My phone vibrated with a message then. I picked it up and saw Stewart’s name on the screen. I was relieved Rory had already left the room.
I’m heading over to Hilltop to look around. Why don’t you meet me there and see what you think of the place?
Instinctively, I felt I should say no but then again, it was an opportunity to understand better what he was planning to do there, and see how much of an impact it potentially would have on us. And if I was going to accept his job offer, I needed to know what I was letting myself in for. I glanced up at the ceiling, hearing the sounds of the shower running, and decided it was better to keep Rory in the dark until we both came back later. I fired a message back to say I’d meet Stewart at Hilltop at ten, and hoped I was doing the right thing.
‘Everything okay?’ my dad asked when I carried a tray of drinks and toast into the living room. The Christmas tree was lit up against the dark morning making the room feel cosy, and Harry was happily watching the TV in his snuggly jumper. I wanted to curl up beside him and forget everything that was happening but this was about his future. I needed to try to secure it for him. ‘I have to run a couple of errands but I won’t be long, will you two be okay for a little while?’
‘Of course. I wish you would take it a bit easier, you look worn out,’ Dad replied, looking at me with his typical insight. I hadn’t realised that I looked as tired as I felt. I wanted to tell him about Stewart but I wanted to wait until I knew more.
‘I’m fine,’ I insisted, although I knew he was right. I hadn’t slept well again. I leaned down to kiss Harry. ‘Be a good boy for Grandpa. When I get back, we’ll do something. Maybe we can bake some cookies?’
‘Cookies!’ he repeated happily. He had definitely spent a lot of time around Emily. He held out his hands for his milk and my heart was full of love for him as I watched him sip it, his attention back on the TV. He looked so much like Rory this morning with his auburn curls and his big blue eyes that it felt like a gut punch. I hated that I was lying to everyone I loved but I was trying to protect them.
That would have to be enough for now.
* * *
Hilltop Farm was a fifteen-minute drive away along twisting, narrow country lanes, and I went slowly through the unrelenting rain. Turning into the gravel road at the sign, I looked ahead and could make out the empty farmhouse. Stewart’s sleek car was outside already, looking as equally out of place here as it had done on our farm. Hilltop had been empty since I moved to Fraser Farm, a once thriving sheep farm it was now in disrepair, the nephew of the old farmer desperately trying to offload it. Stewart was probably in line to get it for a really good deal but it was a shame to think of all the years of farming there that would now fade to history.
Stewart appeared in the doorway as I parked, and I hurried inside, pulling my hood down once in the dark hall. ‘Raining cats and dogs, isn’t it,’ he said, leaning in to kiss me on the cheek. He was wearing dark jeans and a thick jumper this morning, a line of stubble across his chin, and he smiled warmly at me. ‘I’m glad you came.’ He held out one of the coffee cups in his hand. ‘I thought you’d need this.’
‘Thanks,’ I said, taking it. I sipped it and smiled – he remembered how I took it after all this time. ‘Well, you’ve certainly got your work cut out for you,’ I observed, looking around.
‘You know I like a challenge,’ he replied, leading me into the open-plan living area. It was similar to our farmhouse but older and smaller as well as freezing cold from not having been heated in years. I could see my breath on the air. ‘We’d have to rip all this down and build from scratch obviously.’
I glanced at the open fireplace and stove. I wondered about the age of the farmhouse. All the original fixtures and fittings would be gone if Stewart’s hotel got the go-ahead. It did seem a shame to lose it all. I loved the original fireplace in our living room. ‘What kind of style are you thinking for the hotel?’ We walked over to the kitchen where there was a wide window looking out over the land, rain streaking down the dirty glass.
‘I think it has to be traditional, tourists love all that especially the golf crowd, lots of tartan covered furnishings and dark wood, that sort of thing. We can play on the history of the place… the suites would have four-poster beds. A bit like that place we stayed in for our anniversary, do you remember?’ He turned to me. ‘In Edinburgh.’
‘They said it was haunted, didn’t they? I remember the pipes creaking in the night and we thought it might be a ghost!’ I smiled, thinking back. We had curled up together in that bed, not wanting to move in the morning for breakfast. I wondered what our past selves would say if they could see us now.
‘I really want you to be part of this,’ he said then. ‘I know I took you by surprise with my offer but I think we could design something amazing here.’ He gestured out at the land.
‘Do you really think I’m the right person to help with all this?’ I asked. I knew that I could do simple things like designing logos or menus, I’d done that for Beth and Emily, and for our farm shop, but this was on such a bigger scale, and I wasn’t sure if I had the skills to design things like building layouts, or the interior of a hotel.
‘Of course I do. I’m not sure why you don’t.’ He looked at me. ‘You still have trouble believing in yourself, huh? We’d be working together, there would be nothing to worry about. I could teach you all I know.’ He had a twinkle in his eyes then and I let out a laugh. ‘This is just sitting here doing nothing, we could turn it into something that people fall in love with.’
‘Rory has gone to see our solicitor today,’ I said, looking at the rolling fields, and missing the sight of cows on them. ‘About the land on the hill.’
‘I meant what I said about not wanting to hurt your farm. I’d never want to hurt anything you cared about.’
I met his gaze then. I suddenly felt too hot in my parka. ‘Even if it impacts your vision for this place?’
‘Even if…’ He stepped closer and reached out to tuck a stray hair of mine behind my ear. ‘I can’t stop thinking about us. How we had something special and then we let it slip through our fingers.’
‘Don’t, Stewart,’ I gasped, stepping back in surprise.
‘I’m sorry, I can’t help myself. You were everything to me once, I can’t just forget that. Surely, you can’t either? Don’t you remember what we had?’
‘That was a long time ago. I was so upset when things between us ended, but I had to move on,’ I said, avoiding his gaze. I was still attracted to him, that was hard to switch off, as was thinking back fondly to the good times we had but I had Rory, and Harry. ‘Things are different now,’ I said.
‘They don’t have to be though. I never found anyone I loved as much as I loved you and coming here and finding you right next door… Maybe the universe is trying to tell us something. Don’t you miss how we were back then? Because I do. I was a fool, Heather, to let you go. I know that now.’
‘It’s too late,’ I whispered, wishing I didn’t feel this pull towards him, that he wasn’t saying all the things I’d wished he’d said back then. ‘I’m with Rory now. We have a son,’ I repeated, trying to sound firmer than I felt.
‘And you have to put your son first. If you came to work here, I could help secure his future. I would leave that land alone, I’d push back the hotel so it didn’t affect the farm. You would have my word on that.’ He reached out and touched my cheek as I tried not to think about his unsaid words – that if I didn’t work with him, then our farm very much could be under threat. ‘You deserve to have the life you want, Heather. So, what do you want?’
Chapter Sixteen
When I returned to the farm, the rain had slowed to a light drizzle. Dad and Harry came into the driveway as I pulled up, both wearing wellies and macs and waving cheerfully. I felt a little sick when I saw them knowing where I’d just been and what Stewart had said to me. I had left Stewart promising him that I would think over his proposal and let him know soon. It was clear that he
was happy to help me protect our farm if I came on board with his project, but if I did that I would be leaving this place, and I would be working closely with him for months, and he had made it perfectly clear he wanted a whole lot more from me.
‘This one was getting cabin fever,’ Dad explained when I got out, throwing on a smile that I didn’t feel inside. ‘We thought we’d come and greet you.’
‘Well, I’m glad you did,’ I said, crouching down and holding out my hands. Harry waddled over and hugged me. Don’t cry, I warned myself. ‘It looks like the rain is stopping for now. Maybe we can do something outside and leave the cookies until later. What do you want to do, squirt?’
‘If you need something to do…’ a voice said from the yard. I looked up to see Angus walking towards us. ‘The horses could do with some exercise. I was going to take them out into the field. You could ride Prince,’ he said to me. ‘I bet Harry would love to watch.’
I hesitated. I had only ever been on a horse with Rory looking out for me. If Angus was on our other horse Duke, I felt like I would be riding alone for the first time. And I wasn’t sure I was confident enough.
‘I won’t let anything happen,’ Angus added, seeing my face. ‘We’ll stay in the paddock. I’ll saddle ’em up,’ he said, striding towards the stables without waiting for me to agree.
‘Why is Angus so blooming scary?’ I said to my dad once he was out of earshot.
He chuckled. ‘I reckon his bark is worse than his bite. Right, Harry, let’s watch Mummy ride, shall we?’ He took his hand.
‘Swing!’ Harry cried so I took his other hand and we swung him between us as we walked over to the paddock. I remembered doing the exact same thing with my mum and dad, and smiled to see how happy it made Harry to do it too. The rain had eased completely now but the grey clouds kept colder weather at bay so it wasn’t too unpleasant to be outside. Harry and my dad stood at the fence as I went into the paddock and Angus led the two horses in.
Reaching for Prince, I patted his flank as Angus held him steady by the reins. I eased my foot into the stirrup and pulled myself up. Prince shifted a little as I lifted myself up and over, and steadied myself in the saddle, sliding my other foot into left stirrup. ‘Please don’t let me fall,’ I whispered to him as I took the reins from Angus who gave me a nod before moving to Duke, and climbing up into the saddle of the brown horse. I glanced at my dad who waved and Harry who joined in when he prompted him. I took a calming breath.
‘Let’s go,’ Angus said, urging his horse on. He started walking around the perimeter of the paddock, and after a little encouragement Prince duly followed. I breathed as we set off. As usual, it was an alien feeling for me to feel the movement of Prince beneath me, and to feel so high from the ground. I looked out to the hill where the cows were grazing. It was the picture of peace.
‘Let’s try a trot,’ Angus called out, rising and up and down in the saddle ahead.
‘Oh, Christ,’ I muttered. ‘Come on, Prince, we can’t have Angus making us look bad.’ I urged him on and he sped up.
‘Keep your heels down!’ Angus called as he rounded the corner and looked back at me. I pushed them down, and felt my balance improve. Seated better, I felt less like I might slip out of the saddle. I took another breath.
‘Looking good,’ Dad called out as I passed him and Harry. I found myself smiling for the first time on a horse. The breeze whipped my hair and I understood in that moment why people enjoyed this.
‘Daddy!’
Turning at Harry’s cry, I saw Rory step up to the fence, picking Harry up and sitting him on it, holding him tightly. When he smiled at me, it felt just like it always did.
Like I was home.
* * *
Rory and I didn’t get a moment alone until late into the evening. Harry was in bed, and my dad went up to his room to read, leaving Rory and I on the sofa together in the living room. The fire was crackling, the fairy lights twinkling, and we both had a glass of wine, and Serendipity, one of my favourite festive films, was playing softly on the TV. I pulled the soft throw from the back of the sofa and draped it over our legs. ‘What happened today?’ I asked him.
He groaned, pushing his hair back. ‘Andrew has the same plans as us and can’t find any that give us that lower field. I just don’t get it. My dad was certain that it belonged to us, I know it. Andrew said he’ll talk to the council but he said if Stewart has submitted a planning application and it hasn’t been rejected, they must have the same plans as we do.’
I knew I had to come clean. ‘Listen, I talked to Stewart again,’ I said. ‘And he really doesn’t want to affect the farm, he said he’d change his plans to avoid that field to help us. I really think he will.’ I leaned against the sofa to look at him. ‘He asked me again to come on board and work for him.’ Obviously, I left out what else he had said to me. That would just hurt Rory, and I was still trying to get my head around it. After all this time, had Stewart really not stopped thinking about me?
Rory looked at me. ‘Are you thinking that you might want to work with him then?’ he asked.
‘I don’t know. It is appealing,’ I admitted. ‘I never expected to work on a farm, you know that.’
‘I know that you don’t feel the same about this place as I do—’
‘It’s not that,’ I interrupted. ‘I just always feel like I don’t do quite the right thing. It’s not that it’s hard work, that doesn’t scare me, but it’s that I feel a lot of pressure not to let you down.’
Rory frowned. ‘I hope I don’t make you feel like that. You know I think you’re amazing. I know this life isn’t easy but I don’t know, I thought you liked working and living together too?’ He looked hurt but I knew I needed to be honest.
‘I do. But sometimes we hardly spend time together, do we? And I could help protect the farm if I did work with Stewart.’
‘We would sort it out, you know, I won’t let him threaten our home or family, it’s not all on you, Heth.’ He reached out to take my hand. ‘I keep telling you that I’m here to support you. We’re a team. I mean, I hope we are.’
I smiled. ‘Of course,’ I replied but I felt like I was the weak component of the team, I couldn’t help it. I didn’t quite meet his eyes and he noticed.
‘I know you feel like you don’t get things right but that’s not the case at all. I couldn’t function without you, and all the things you do for me, and Harry.’ He ran his fingers across my palm, making goose bumps appear along my arm. ‘I want you to be happy though. I know you love designing, so if you want to do this, then we will work it out.’
‘Thank you,’ I said. That meant a lot to me.
My phone beeped with a message then, from Beth.
OMG have you checked your Instagram?
I hadn’t, but I did. ‘Oh, wow, look at this…’ I showed my screen to Rory so he could see too. My post about saving the cow had gone a bit crazy. There were so many likes and comments, I couldn’t believe it.
‘See?’ Rory said, grinning at me. ‘Look at what you’re doing to publicise the farm, I could never have done something like this. You have really struck a chord.’ He read some of the comments aloud. From farmers and their partners saying how hard this life was, from people who generally felt worried they weren’t living up to expectations, and people saying how I lucky I was to live on the farm. ‘See? You didn’t need me for this.’
I did feel proud of the post. ‘I really didn’t think people would respond like this. But maybe I’m not the only one who feels like they’re struggling.’
‘Of course you’re not. Heth, we all feel like that sometimes. But look at what you’re doing, not only with this but today, riding Prince on your own, you need to give yourself more credit.’
I smiled. ‘It was satisfying being on Prince today, I must admit. I couldn’t believe it that I did that all by myself.’
‘I always told you you could do it. I wish you’d believe in yourself, like I believe in you.’ He passed my phone back t
o me, brushing his fingers against my hand. ‘Do you remember when you first moved in and we had that really bad snowstorm… I’ve never seen you so panicked. But that wouldn’t happen now.’
I still remembered that night vividly.
* * *
‘There’s been another heavy fall,’ Rory said when he came into the living room. ‘Tabby got stuck outside. Can you take her while I check on the horses before I lock up?’ Rory handed me the cat and hurried out again. It was the first time I had seen him look mildly stressed since I moved into the farm. It was December and I only had a month left until the baby was born so couldn’t help him. I carried Tabby over to the log fire and stroked her fur. She looked as happy as I was about the weather.
And then suddenly, everything went black.
My breath came in heavy bursts as I sat in darkness save for the flickering flames in front of me. It was crazy to be scared but I’d never experienced a power cut in the middle of nowhere, snowed in. What if the baby came now? I’d be stuck at the farm, unable to get help. I put the cat down and tried to suck in some air to my lungs.
‘Heather? What is it?’
I wasn’t sure how much time had passed until Rory returned and wrapped his arms around me as I knelt on the floor struggling to stay calm. ‘What if we’re stuck here?’ I gasped. ‘The baby… there’s no power… all the snow…’
‘Shh, it’s okay. Nothing bad will happen, I promise. This has happened a million times before. It will all be okay. I’m here.’ He held me close and my pulse began to slow a little bit. ‘When I was young and scared in a storm, my dad used to sing to me,’ he said then, his voice low and deep and calming. And then he began to sing. I recognised the old folk song. My mum had sung it when I was growing up too. Both of us had lost so much. I was panicked we might lose more but gradually as Rory sung, his voice deep and reassuring, so strong in that silent, dark room, I got my breathing under control.
Hopeful Hearts at Glendale Hall Page 12