These situations never get easier. As you read this, someone in a retirement home is trying to figure out if the man across the dining room might be interested. Love may be a many splendoured thing, it may be blind, but mostly it’s not very bright.
Dear Graham,
I’ve fallen madly in love with my flatmate. I’ve been cheering her up after she was dumped by her boyfriend a few weeks ago and now realise I have very strong feelings for her myself. I don’t want to break the trust she has in me by telling her how I feel. But I’m not sure how long I can keep a lid on things.
Ever since her break-up she’s been moping about the flat with her hair in a sort of Arab turban. When she gets back from work she goes straight into her pyjamas. Should I suggest taking her out to dinner one evening, or somehow get the message across when we’re sitting down to our usual fish fingers in front of the TV?
Sean N, London
Dear Sean,
First things first. How long is your lease? If it is anything longer than three months, then keep your feelings to yourself. If you might be moving soon anyway, then what have you got to lose?
I’m not sure the fish finger route is the way to go so try your idea of going out together in order to cheer her up. To be honest, I’ll be very surprised if you get anywhere because this woman is clearly not ready to move on. Wandering around the flat in a turban and pyjamas sounds like someone who is more in love with her heartbreak than she ever was with the man.
The other problem is you have now been placed in an area of her brain marked ‘friends’ and it will take more than a dinner and a back rub to refile you under ‘l’ for ‘lover’. I’m sure it would be possible to choreograph some sort of drunken fumble but do you really want to feel like you have taken advantage of someone?
The fact is you have spent quite a bit of time with this girl and feel as if you’ve fallen for her. That tells me that you are probably a bit lonely – certainly for female company – and if your social life improved your crush might dwindle away. I fear the search for the love of your life may take you further afield than your own kitchen.
Dear Graham,
Our children are all over 18 and still living at home. It’s making my wife and I frantic. In my day we couldn’t wait to get away from our parents and have sex, smoke, conquer the world etc. Now all of these activities seem to take place under the parental roof. None of our children appears to want to leave home.
I fear we’ve been a bit over-indulgent so it’s probably our fault not theirs, but we’re getting fed up with the constant stream of teenagers and 20-somethings pouring in and out of our house at all hours.
Charming as they are, we feel as if we’re running a crazy no-rules youth hostel. Whatever we cook is always gone in seconds. Wine bottles also vanish mysteriously. I now have to hide booze in the cupboard under the stairs.
Of course, we wouldn’t throw our children out but what can we do to encourage them to leave of their own accord?
Michael L, London
“You and your wife have become such doormats you might as well lie face down in the hallway with ‘Welcome’ written on your backs.”
Dear Michael,
I would suggest that the reason you feel as if you are running a crazy no-rules youth hostel is because you are. Why on earth would any teenager want to leave this wonderful land of free food and laundry with the occasional drink thrown in for fun?
Of course, loving your children is unconditional but living with your kids should be full of conditions. You and your wife have become such doormats you might as well lie face down in the hallway with ‘Welcome’ written on your backs. Point out to your children that they aren’t children any more. They are adults and must start paying their way. This could be in the form of rent or contributing to a household kitty.
Either way it will send them running to the pages of Loot faster than an investment banker clearing his desk. Add to this a list of chores and responsibilities and your nest will quickly empty. There will be tears and tantrums but be firm. You are doing your children no favours with the cotton-wool lifestyle you have given them. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly and kids gotta get a job. Enjoy the peace.
Dear Graham,
I’m a bachelor of 34 and, like most men, my requirements when it comes to women are pretty simple: food, kindness, warmth, television, alcohol and sex pretty much do it for me.
You’d think with such basic needs life would be a breeze, but I’m constantly amazed (and depressed) by the way women complicate everything. I’m always being drawn into arguments of their making, often when I’m feeling at my happiest and most relaxed.
Why are women so needlessly confrontational? Why must they unpick everything and go over stuff again and again? And why do they have to talk all the time about the smallest, most unimportant things? Yatter, yatter.
I’d like to know why women with degrees, good looks, good jobs (and breasts) do everything in their power to alienate their menfolk?
Can you shed any light on this?
Nick L, St Albans
Dear Nick,
Are you a time traveller? Have you journeyed from the Fifties? The idyllic lifestyle you describe where your every need is met by a little woman with no squeak nor demand disappeared in the Sixties, and here’s a newsflash, Nick, it won’t be coming back.
The problem here lies with you, not women. The list of your requirements may be very clear and concise but in any relationship the other party will have their own needs and desires.
Ignoring these is what leads to what you describe as ‘yatter yatter’. If this all sounds like more trouble than it’s worth, then, as Hamlet might have said, ‘Get thee to a gay bar!’
Dear Graham,
My husband was diagnosed with colon cancer last year and is refusing to go ahead with the chemotherapy, or explore any other options that might improve his prospects.
I’m deeply frustrated by his defeatist attitude and his stubborn refusal of all medical help. He’s always been fearful of doctors and hospitals, and simply won’t discuss it with me. Is he in denial? Depressed? Too scared?
I’ve suggested we go away to Italy for a few days in the hope that some sunshine and gentle culture might draw us closer and help him open up. But he has no interest in going anywhere. It’s terribly distressing, given his condition is treatable. Our two children (in their t hirties and working in London) are also finding the situation difficult.
We are in our mid-sixties and I feel that the double whammy of retirement and the cancer diagnosis have delivered such a blow that my husband is simply giving up on life. I would welcome your advice.
Elizabeth B, Surrey
Dear Elizabeth,
We all like to believe that, if we were given the news your husband received, we would fight the illness tooth and nail but the fact is no one can predict how they will react to a negative diagnosis. Perhaps your husband feels defeated already or maybe he’s just sticking his head in the sand, but whatever he is doing it’s unfair to the people who love him.
The good news is that he can’t be the only cancer patient to have reacted in this way so there must be people out there who have faced this problem and overcome it. Once you have found them and discovered ways to move forward, everything will start to seem much brighter.
There are many cancer charities that could help. The Cancer Care Society and Cancer BACUP are just two I found on a very brief Google search. For now the only advice I can give you is to stay strong for your husband who is having to deal with something I don’t think any of us can fully appreciate until we face it ourselves. Seek expert help and hopefully your husband and the people who love him will all turn a corner very soon.
Whatever your husband is doing, it’s unfair to the people who love him.
Dear Graham,
Do you think that if there’s something that makes you fundamentally unattractive to the opposite sex your friends would tell you? I only ask this because I haven’t had a relation
ship for 10 years (I am 34). Whenever I seek enlightenment, girlfriends say things like ‘don’t be silly, you’re lovely’ or ‘men are idiots’, or (the very annoying, usually from my mother) ‘it’ll happen when you least expect it’.
I don’t think I have any obvious defects – I don’t have BO, or a moustache. Nor do I sweat profusely. I’m not fat, although in an ideal world I’d like to be a bit thinner. On a good day I’m told I look a bit like Emma Thompson. Yet somehow I don’t attract men. Nobody ever asks me out. There are days when I feel completely invisible. Where could I be going wrong? Do I suffer from some awful defect that no one is prepared to point out to me?
Jane T, Suffolk
“At least that hairy woman with thick ankles on Britain’s Got Talent can carry a show tune, but it seems you don’t bring very much to the party at all.”
Dear Jane,
I haven’t met you, so, of course I can’t be sure, but I imagine there is nothing wrong with you. Could your problem be that there isn’t anything particularly right about you either?
At least that hairy woman with thick ankles on Britain’s Got Talent can carry a show tune, but it seems you don’t bring very much to the party at all. It sounds like you just sit passively, waiting for someone to notice you or find you attractive.
Trust me, even Angelina Jolie would be single if she didn’t smile a bit and engage with people.
You need to start enjoying spending time with yourself before anyone else will want to. Sitting around with your girlfriends talking about being single must have got a bit tired, even for you, after 10 years. Start living your life for you, and don’t wait for other people. Is there a play or a movie you want to see? Just book a ticket and see what happens. Even if it’s the worst night of your life, at least you’ll have something to talk about. And that will help give you the appearance of someone who is interested in life and thus worth spending time with.
If the most positive self-image you can drum up is of a woman who isn’t too fat or smelly or hairy, then surely you can see that a stranger isn’t going to hang around digging for hidden assets.
Put your good side forward and over time you may grow to like yourself. Then, if some man likes you as well, it will simply be a bonus ball, not the jackpot.
Dear Graham,
My brother, who has always been popular with girls, was recently dumped by a girlfriend he’d been with for four years and was madly in love with. Since then, he has turned from a wonderful, sensitive guy into a serial philanderer.
He seems to be venting his rage on the female sex for the heartbreak he’s suffered. His attitude to women has completely changed. He now talks about girls in entirely disparaging terms. To him they’re just shag material. Every time I see him, there’s a new girl dangling from his arm and they’re always the same type: leggy blonde bombshells spookily similar to his ex.
I suspect that privately he’s very miserable and may even be going through a breakdown. I want to help, but I don’t want to make things worse. My boyfriend says blokes deal with things differently and my brother is just going through a ‘phase’. What do you think I should do?
Naomi G, Merseyside
Dear Naomi,
Your interest in your brother’s sex life strikes me as slightly creepy. He’s hurting inside and if casual relationships are cheering him up so be it. The important thing to remember is that whatever his attitude to women, you will never – repeat, never – be the one he is going out with. Listen to your boyfriend because he’s right. I know that’s annoying, but in this very rare case it happens to be true.
Dear Graham,
I am a 44-year-old first-time mother. My daughter, now two, is a miracle child, loved to an almost embarrassing degree by everyone, especially my parents, who became grandparents for the first time when she was born.
I’ve always been exceptionally close to my mother and, although it’s wonderful to see how much she adores Ella, it’s also a little difficult.
So besotted is she that she has completely lost interest in me. My mother and my equally doting father barely acknowledge me or speak to me these days – I’m just a sort of conduit to their precious grandchild.
Of course, I’m very proud of Ella but I’m so sad that I seem to have lost the closeness I once had to my parents. I used to be able to talk about all sorts of things with my mother. Now all she wants to hear about is what her grandchild had for breakfast.
So despite my happy marriage (and motherhood) I sometimes feel as if I’ve been wiped off the radar.
Susie N, West Yorkshire
Dear Susie,
The simple truth is that, over time, the people around you will calm down about the miracle that is Ella and your relationships will return to normal. However, I suspect there is more going on here.
I’ve never had a baby but it seems odd to me that you aren’t as wrapped up in the wonder of your daughter as everyone else seems to be. It’s almost like you’ve got first-child syndrome – where your heart twists into a knot of jealousy as your parents walk through the door with your new little brother or sister.
I wonder if the relationship you describe as close with your parents was, in fact, them not allowing you to grow up. Being jealous of your own baby sounds like quite a serious issue to me and I wonder if you should seek some professional advice.
I may be wrong and it happens to everyone, but I think it would be wise to nip it in the bud before it sours your relationship with Ella forever.
As far as I’m aware, once you have a child, your life is never really about you ever again. You’re still on the radar, Susie, you’ll just never be in the middle of it again.
Dear Graham,
My best friend is going out with a guy who works in my office. They met through me but it wasn’t a set-up – we were all in the pub one night and the two of them got talking. They’ve been going out for a couple of months now and seem to be really in love and happy together.
Things have been a bit quiet lately at work and the other day I happened to glance at her boyfriend’s computer screen on the way to the printer. Imagine my horror when I saw he had logged on to an internet dating site. And it clearly isn’t a random one-off thing. Whenever I walk past, he seems to be at it – not just cruising but corresponding energetically.
I wouldn’t dream of saying anything to his boss – I’m not that kind of person – but I’m wondering if I should say something to my friend. She’s convinced she’s met her dream man but wouldn’t it be better if she knew the real truth now, rather than found out later?
Amy P, Cheshire
Dear Amy,
No! No! No! How many times must I explain this to people? You never pass on bad news about someone’s partner because somehow it will invariably become your fault. ‘Shoot the messenger’ is an expression because that is what happens.
It’s terrible to walk around with this knowledge but that is what you must do. The only way you can stray from this strict code is to tell another mutual friend. This will share the load and they may break the code of silence and be shot, but then at least your friend knows and your relationship should survive.
If there is talk of this couple living together or, even worse, getting married, then you may have to do something. Avoid your friend but approach the man at work and tell him that you know what has been going on. Hopefully, this will pressurise him into stopping or ending the relationship with your friend.
You may be wondering about how your friend will react when she finds out for herself and works out that you knew all along? Trust me that, upset as she may be, she will find it much easier to forgive your silence than your candour. Love isn’t blind, it’s just highly selective about what it wants to see.
Dear Graham,
Last night, my 35-year-old boyfriend dropped a bomb. He’d been behaving oddly all week – he seemed stressed and very distracted. But I put his moodiness down to long hours getting his new business off the ground.
After three years
with me, he told me he wanted to become a woman. At first I thought he was joking – but he wasn’t. He is deadly earnest and has already researched things extensively on the internet and made contact with several doctors in London.
I am reeling from the shock of it all and feel as if my life has been shot to pieces. He says he still loves me, but I just can’t accept he could do this to me. I almost wish he’d announced he was leaving me for another woman.
Emma-Louise J, Exmoor
My boyfriend of three years has told me he wants to become a woman.
Dear Emma-Louise,
I understand that you are shocked and hurt. You have every right to be, but at least your boyfriend has told you rather than carrying this secret for even longer.
Imagine how you’d feel if he hadn’t had the guts to share this until after you’d got married and had kids? To be perfectly honest, you are getting out of this situation relatively lightly.
You just have to deal with a broken heart while his healing process will be a great deal more complicated.
I’m sure he’s not lying when he says he loves you and he hasn’t done this to hurt you.
Imagine how tortured he must have been for so many years to come to this conclusion. The man you have loved is deeply unhappy and he believes he knows the way to change that.
By all means encourage him to talk to people who can give him professional advice. Don’t worry – these are not the sorts of operations that any doctor would rush into lightly.
Ask Graham Page 22