Once you have got over the shock, you must explore your own feelings. Can you be friends with him and support him through this or do you need to protect yourself and your own emotional wellbeing by walking away? Time will answer these questions. There is an American film called Normal, which was made in 2003 and stars Jessica Lange and Tom Wilkinson. You can probably buy it on the internet.
In it the husband reveals to his wife after 25 years together that he is going to have a sex-change operation.
The wife turns to him and says, ‘You could never be a woman. Only a man could be this selfish!’
Dear Graham,
My husband was killed in a car crash just over a year ago leaving me a widow, with three small boys, at 33. Miraculously, money is not the main worry – my husband’s parents have been very generous to us and the insurers have also stumped up. My worry is that my boys will grow up without a male role model of any kind. My husband was an only child – as am I – so the boys don’t have any uncles and aunts and we live in a very remote part of the countryside. Other than school, my boys don’t get a lot of opportunities for male bonding.
Please don’t read this as a depressed letter. Of course, there’s a chance I will one day meet a lovely man (who my boys love), but until such a miracle happens I wonder what I should be doing to make their childhood happier and more balanced.
Any advice would be so valued.
Tess L, Warwickshire
Dear Tess,
I like your attitude. A horrible thing has happened in your life and, rather than let it defeat you, you are looking for ways to move on. Well done. Childcare is not an area where I feel I’m an expert but my gut tells me that for the moment what these three little boys need is their mum.
Daddy has been ripped away, so 12 months down the line I imagine they just want to know that Mummy isn’t going anywhere. Introducing random males into their lives may only serve to unsettle them. As they get older, male role models will surely come along, whether you meet someone or not. Teachers, sports coaches and (does this make me appear very old school and naive?) the cubs or the boy scouts.
I get the feeling that children are far more resilient than we give them credit for and, in much the same way as you are coping and getting on with your life without your husband, they will be managing without a dad. There is no denying that your children will grow up differently in a single-parent household but that doesn’t have to mean worse.
I know that none of this is what you wanted for your kids but don’t beat yourself up. These are three very lucky little boys.
Dear Graham,
I’m in a dilemma. One of my closest girlfriends met a male friend of my husband at a party at my house the other day and is convinced there was ‘a spark’ between them, conveniently forgetting that she is married with twins.
Her husband is going away on business for two weeks and she’s been badgering me for this man’s number for days. What should I do? I don’t want to do anything that makes me complicit – I’m very fond of my husband’s friend. Nor can I tell her that a married mother of two who spends her days changing nappies and making carrot purée is much of a proposition for a handsome single guy.
Do I hand over the number and let her sad fantasy play itself out? Do I warn my husband’s friend and turn it into a joke? Or am I standing in the way of true love (she claims to be unhappy in her marriage)?
Sarah L, Woking
Dear Sarah,
You are already too involved. If this woman really is one of your best friends, then you need to step away from this situation. I’m all for pursuing romance but if this woman goes after this guy it doesn’t take Mystic Meg to tell you that it will end up messier than a Christmas Day episode of EastEnders and it will mysteriously have become your fault.
What your friend should be focusing on is her unhappy marriage. She needs to understand that relationships aren’t like jobs – you don’t line the next one up before you quit the one you’ve got.
I don’t know what this woman looks like, but so long as she makes sure there is no visible baby sick on her shoulder then this guy might well welcome her advances. He is, after all, a man and they are rarely too proud or picky to pass on a sure thing.
To consider leaving her husband for this unsuspecting bachelor, however, would be like jumping out of the frying pan into the compost heap. As a friend, make sure you are there to help with the failing marriage, whether it’s supporting her through a tough patch or helping her to walk away.
I don’t think it is too harsh to explain all this to her when you refuse to hand over the phone number, but remember, if she ignores you and continues on this pointless quest, then she is an idiot and on her own head be it. Your hands are clean.
Dear Graham,
After trying unsuccessfully to have children, my partner and I, who are in our early forties, adopted a baby girl from India a few years ago. We love her as if she were our own flesh and blood, but find our respective sets of parents a little detached. It pains me to watch my daughter, who started life in an orphanage, being overlooked by her grandparents. When I see her running around, all dark skin and skinny limbs against her plump blonde cousins, I worry that she’s going to have to work harder to be accepted into the family.
I just want the very best for her. It’s not about money – it’s about love. And it just doesn’t seem to flow with the sort of abundance that our parents show to their own kith and kin. I don’t think it’s consciously racist. It’s more that they don’t seem able to quite connect with a child who’ll never look like them.
Laura P, Glos (names have been changed)
Dear Laura,
What you’ve done was never going to be easy. I completely understand your deep primitive yearning to have a child. I worry slightly that you never thought beyond the moment when someone would hand over the warm wriggling blanket that would be all yours. You’ve brought an Indian child to live with a white family in Britain – that will be complicated and it won’t always go smoothly.
This will all have come as a shock to your parents, but give them time. Let them take their lead from your example. You need to anticipate the problems and try to protect your daughter as much as you can. I’m sure you could talk to other British couples who have adopted children of different races and learn from their experiences.
I know you mean well, but you shouldn’t suggest that people ought to love your little girl because she was born into poverty and ended up in an orphanage. They should love her because she’s your daughter and a part of the family. In the end, life in Britain will be harder for your daughter than her cousins, but your job is to love that girl and carry her proudly into the world assuming acceptance. You have chosen to make your daughter a minority – don’t shy away from all the work that entails.
Dear Graham,
I am being courted in an old-fashioned way by a widower in his late sixties. Having thought I would never find anyone (I am 57 and long divorced), I am amazed and grateful to have met him. And what a lovely man he is. He sends me flowers, writes me beautiful letters and is hugely considerate and kind.
There is only one major problem – after three months of full-on courtship we still haven’t gone to bed with each other. Nor have we kissed – or not properly anyway.
He frequently compliments me on my appearance and takes an interest in what I wear. And he’s very openly affectionate to me when we’re out with friends. Despite all his declarations, there is no actual follow-through.
Is it up to me to initiate? I wonder how I should go about it? He’s quite a cautious person and I would not wish to alarm him, or put him off in any way.
Edie M, Cumbria
Dear Edie,
Congratulations! So many women reading this will be wildly jealous of your good fortune and frankly mystified at your desire to take your relationship upstairs.
I’m afraid you may have to raise the subject yourself, since he is unwilling to do it. Perhaps it’s not just the su
bject your widower has trouble raising. At his age, there may be all sorts of anxieties that you can help to quell.
You are both beyond grown up, so surely there is nothing that you can’t talk about? Whatever the result of the conversation, I promise you that it will be a huge weight lifted from both your shoulders.
If he would like to have a full sex life but feels prevented from doing so in some way, then I’m sure there is a lot of help and advice available and you can find a way of making it work. If, however, he simply wants friendship and nothing more, then you must decide what you want to do. You are only 57 and, presumably, you have friends.
No relationship is perfect. We simply have to decide what compromises we are willing to make. Good luck.
Dear Graham,
My younger sister is very flirtatious and competitive with men. In any social situation where there’s a man under 50 in the room – married or single – she does this ridiculous hair swishing, Bambi-eyed routine which almost always has a hypnotic effect on them. She doesn’t follow it up – in fact, she’s quite shy, really.
I’ve got a newish boyfriend, who I really like. He often makes jokes about my sister and how much flesh she’s showing. And I laugh with him. But the problem is I can’t help noticing that he often ogles her too. I know he isn’t intending to do anything – and nor would she – but I mind that he stares. And I mind that my younger sister plays up to it.
She wears these ridiculous Lolita outfits and pretends to be a ditzy blonde whenever he’s around even though she’s starting university in the autumn.
I don’t want to make a massive fuss, but my sister’s and boyfriend’s behaviour really bothers me. I’ve tried to bring the matter up with my sister, but without success.
My mother’s advice is just to ignore it but I can’t. What would you do in my shoes?
Laura O, Gerrards Cross
Dear Laura,
If I were in your shoes, I would be really irritated, but so long as you are dating a normal guy and your sister is a tramp in training this situation will continue.
Nobody is trying to hurt you here but men truly cannot help themselves. If a woman under 70 wears a low-cut top, a man will stare at her bosom.
You can almost hear the David Attenborough voiceover describing what is going on between your boyfriend and your sister. The good news is that you seem to think it won’t ever go beyond stolen glances and a bit of hair flicking. Lucky you.
I’m not sure what sort of men you have dated before or if you were the only woman in a 100-mile radius (did you previously work on a space station or an Alaskan fishing village?), but I’m surprised you haven’t encountered this behaviour.
Essentially, your mother is older and wiser than you. Take her advice. So long as it’s only your boyfriend’s eyes that are wandering, just grin and bear it.
The person I do worry for is your sister. If she really is at heart a shy little creature, then she is playing a very dangerous game. Sending out the sorts of messages she is could land her in all sorts of hot water. She is clearly just trying out her sexual wings but the sooner she gets a boyfriend of her own the better!
Dear Graham,
My husband died many years ago and, although I miss him enormously, I have got on with my life and enjoyed the attentions of a number of younger men à la Mrs Robinson. Up until now it has never been a problem, but my 21-year-old daughter has recently got a new boyfriend to whom I find myself enormously attracted. It appears he feels the same way, as he makes eyes at me over the breakfast table and suggestive comments when we are alone together. Half of me feels I should have an affair with him in order to expose his philandering nature. Please advise.
Mary G, Surrey
“A mother should be sympathetic, not pathetic.”
Dear Mary,
Your letter almost moved me to tears. What a beautiful selfless mother you are! To save your daughter from heartache, you would be willing to have sex with her gorgeous boyfriend?
Mary, are you really this self-deluded? Fine to have toy boys – I’m jealous – but at least leave the house to do your shopping.
Don’t even try to tell her that her young man was making eyes at you. A mother should be sympathetic, not pathetic. Wait for her to tell you her fears and listen patiently. You are in your forties: time to grow up. Sleeping with 20-year-olds can seem like fun – and on a level it is – but do you really want to wake up with the same feelings of panic and fear that greet Demi Moore every morning?
Dear Graham,
I proposed to my girlfriend six weeks ago and have started feeling like a condemned man. What really tortures me is the thought that she is the last woman I will ever sleep with. All the sunny weather only seems to make it worse. Wherever I look – parks, buses, trains – there are stunning girls wearing very little.
My wife-to-be is 35 and I’m only 29. I wonder if I’m about to make the biggest mistake of my life. All my male friends are still single and having a fantastic time, whereas I’m stuck with my future in-laws discussing flowers for the church and who we should put next to the vicar. Since we got engaged, we hardly even have sex any more. It’s really weird.
Should I call it off?
Ben N, Richmond
“Will your wild playboy mates give you a second thought as they walk down the aisle and you are left with nothing but a secondhand Porsche with a couple of mismatched earrings on the back seat?”
Dear Ben,
Decisions are never easy.
I panic when placing my order at Starbucks, so I can’t imagine what it must be like deciding you have met the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Try thinking back to what was going through your mind six weeks ago when the question popped out of your mouth. Were you drunk, or had you just had a particularly intense romantic encounter of the bedroom variety? If so, then maybe you should reconsider.
If, however, the proposal came out of a genuine and profound love for this woman, then try to look past the dreary in-laws and understandable nerves. No matter who you decide to marry, there will always be girls in summer dresses walking by.
You aren’t a child, Ben. You must understand that no marriage can be based solely on sex and, if that really is still your number-one priority, then perhaps it is too soon to be thinking about marriage.
On the other hand, will your wild playboy mates give you a second thought as they walk down the aisle and you are left with nothing but a second-hand Porsche with a couple of mismatched earrings on the back seat?
Finally, and most importantly, you must voice all your fears and worries to one other person – your fiancée. Whether you are able to have that conversation or not will tell you more about this proposed marriage than I or anyone else ever could. Speak soon or forever hold your peace.
Dear Graham,
Have you any tips for surviving the misery of New Year? As usual, I’m going to a party where I won’t know a soul, when what I’d like to be doing is hunkering down with a loved one, some expensive bubbly and a box of Ferrero Rocher. The worst part is being among strangers when Big Ben strikes the hour. Somehow this happens to me every year. Even though I have loads of friends, I always end up spending New Year with a bunch of people I don’t know. Would it be disgraceful and pathetic to cry off and stay at home solo, allowing a bright new me to rise from the ashes on New Year’s Day?
Ella F, Bath
Dear Ella,
New Year’s Eve is a very overrated celebration. Hordes of sweaty faces looking at each other with slightly desperate eyes wondering: ‘Is this fun? Is this the best fun I could be having right now?’ Pressure to have fun to me equals no fun.
With or without a partner, Champagne and a box of chocolates sounds much better than standing around with some people you don’t know and then having to re-mortgage your flat to pay for the mini-cab home. You don’t need anyone’s permission to enjoy yourself. You know what you want to do on New Year’s Eve, so do it.
Dear G
raham,
I rent out the spare room of my two-bedroom flat to a girl I met at a party. Since she moved in two months ago, I haven’t had the place to myself once. Apart from going to work, she never goes out.
She doesn’t seem to have any friends and when I have friends over she’s all over them. It’s embarrassing and really invasive.
When I put the keys in the door, I always pray that she might be asleep. The slightest noise – my mobile going off, the plumbing rumbling, the kettle boiling – and she leaps out of bed and ambushes me.
It’s all a bit much and I don’t really know what to do.
I’m not in a relationship, so I don’t have the escape route of a boyfriend’s place. Although I’m trying to save money, I’ve now started going out nonstop as I can’t face running into her. I feel as though I can’t be in my own flat.
I’m actually slightly scared of her as she’s rather intense – is that pathetic? We are both in our early thirties.
Louisa S, St Albans
Dear Louisa.
…or should I say, single white female? First things first – you want this woman gone! The only point of renting out a room is to enhance your life in some way – primarily financially.
The fact that this creepy creature is forcing you to go out all the time surely negates any monetary gain, so move on. Give a firm departure date and stick to it.
Lock your room securely and send any pets you may have to stay with your parents.
Don’t let her try any sob stories about friends letting her down or strange wasting diseases. When you finally get her out, change the locks and have a good spring clean.
Hopefully, you will have learned a valuable lesson about vetting the people you rent out your room to. In an ideal world, there would be no lodgers, so never expect to enjoy having a stranger sleeping in your spare room.
Ask Graham Page 23