Ask Graham

by Graham Norton

  The trouble with living in Dorset is that, beautiful though it is, it’s full of married couples and bored husbands, who long for a bit of extramarital excitement. Every time I get invited to dinner parties at least one of the married men hits on me. (There are rarely any single men at such evenings.)

  Perhaps because I’m unattached they think I’m fair game. Maybe they view me as ‘desperate’ and expect me to be grateful. The men in question are usually pompous, arrogant and considerably overweight (I’m a self-confessed ‘fattist’). Their wives are often smug, insecure and hostile – terrified that I might make off with their prize catches. As if! How should I rebuff their inept advances without causing offence? And where oh where might I find a like-minded guy? (Don’t tell me to move to London – I hate the place.)

  Melissa B, Dorset

  Dear Melissa,

  Fat pompous husbands are trying to cheat on their smug wives and you are worried about offending them by saying no? There is a time and a place for etiquette, and trust me this isn’t one of them.

  My main piece of advice would be to stop accepting invitations to these hideous dinner parties. As for meeting a like-minded man, well, that may not be so easy. Your letter seems strangely negative to me. The only things that come in for any praise are the Dorset scenery and yourself – nothing else seems to come up to the high standards of Melissa. It is all very well to have opinions and strong ones but don’t expect other people to agree or like them. I imagine that the world according to Melissa is quite a hard one to live in.

  You have two failed marriages in quite a short period of time and you are living alone in Dorset mixing with people you don’t like. Something is wrong with this picture. I know I’m making assumptions based on a short letter but maybe you should try to judge less and open yourself up to new experiences.

  Make your world bigger not smaller and maybe other people will want to share it.

  Dear Graham,

  Could my husband be a secret alcoholic? He’s been out of work for four months and has taken to being rather liberal with the drinks cabinet in the evenings and at weekends.

  We’ve always been big social drinkers but this is different.

  He now drinks heavily when we’re on our own and finds any excuse – good news, bad news, sunshine, rain – to pour himself yet another nightcap.

  When I get upset and ask him to stop, he usually does, but I’m convinced he goes on drinking after I’ve gone to bed.

  I’ve started being rather sneaky and putting pencil marks on the whisky and gin bottles to see if the levels have gone down – nine times out of 10 they have. When I confront him about it, he denies it – in fact, he gets angry and defensive. I want to help, but I’m intimidated by his furious denials.

  We are both in our early fifties.

  Angela P, Merseyside

  Dear Angela,

  I completely understand your worries but you must tread very carefully. A man in his early fifties who has lost his job has quite a bit to be depressed about so in one way it is no surprise that he is turning to drink as a crutch.

  The difficulty is that, although it affects you deeply, this is his problem to solve, not yours.

  Obviously, you could nag him to talk to someone, but if he doesn’t want to go it will probably do no good at all.

  Above all else, you don’t want to turn him into a secret drinker.

  It sounds very simplistic but perhaps you could arrange activities in the evening that require him to drive. Even if it’s a trip to the cinema that’s two hours sitting in the dark without a glass in his hand. And he might enjoy the feeling of being able to do without a sizeable tipple.

  I clearly can’t judge how serious your husband’s drinking is or even if he has a problem but I guarantee that you will feel better if you speak to one of the many organisations that help the friends and families of people dealing with various forms of addiction and abuse. They will talk you through it step by step and help you to sort out what is really going on.

  It is so easy to dive into a bottle and you’ve just got to help your husband get back out again as best you can.

  Good luck!

  Dear Graham,

  My husband, who rarely does things by halves, has become a devotee of Hatha yoga.

  There’s nothing wrong with that – I’m sure it’s great for fitness and lowering stress – it’s just that Hatha yoga appears to be practised entirely by women.

  And not just any old women. The other day I decided to surprise him by waiting at the doors of his school and found myself staring open-mouthed as one beautiful girl after another trooped out. It was like some ghastly nightmare. Nobody was short, fat, plain or ugly.

  When he came out he was chatting to this gorgeous blonde American with perfect teeth and a pneumatic physique. Turns out this Amazonian acrobat (from Texas) is his yoga teacher.

  I feel so depressed – and jealous! How can he help but fancy all these limber goddesses in their tight-fitting leggings and tops? Does he compare them to his wife (three children, bingo wings and a major muffin top)? The whole thing is making me neurotic, not least because he’s just announced he’s planning to do a three-hour ‘Hatha workshop’ this Saturday in Chiswick.

  Hatty M, west London

  “Remember there comes a time when bingo wings actually look better on a woman than going down the Madonna route and ending up with arms that look like a gibbon crossed with an uncooked frog leg.”

  Dear Hatty,

  Forget the stress-reducing benefits of Hatha yoga and take a few Hatty deep breaths.

  Imagine if you took up cooking classes with Gordon Ramsay. Do you really think he would be desperate to taste your food? I go to a gym full of gorgeous gay men but, trust me, just being there doesn’t make me the object of their affection.

  Similarly, the yoga lovelies aren’t putting all that work into stretching and tightening so that they can pull some sweaty middle-aged man in an ill-fitting leotard. You may find him attractive, which is marvellous, but it’s hard to believe that he’s the one that Miss Texas has been waiting for all her life.

  Your irritation is understandable but never let it show in front of your husband. Instead, tease him about his girlfriends at yoga.

  Turn it into a family joke and an anecdote to share with friends. This way you don’t seem threatened and there is every chance he’ll stop going because he has been made to feel a bit foolish.

  It might also be an idea if you tried to feel a bit more positive about your own appearance. emember there comes a time when bingo wings actually look better on a woman than going down the Madonna route and ending up with arms that look like a gibbon crossed with an uncooked frog leg.

  My husband’s yoga class is like some ghastly nightmare. No one is short, fat, plain or ugly.

  Dear Graham,

  Last Christmas almost killed my marriage and I’m desperately worried that this year will be even worse. I’ve been married for six years (two children under five) and my husband never seems to want to be with his family.

  He works very hard and I do understand that, with two small children and an exhausted, emotional wife, home isn’t necessarily the most relaxing place to be. But he always seems to prefer being out on the razzle with his male friends rather than at home with us.

  Last year, he barely lifted a finger on the day, even though I was breastfeeding and at my wit’s end. He didn’t so much as peel a Brussels sprout. When our respective parents arrived, he put on a good show (we were 18 at lunch), but as soon as everyone had gone he slumped in front of the television, refused to speak to me and left me to clear everything up on my own.

  We were really in love when we first met and I want our marriage to work, but I feel so alone and miserable. It makes me dreadfully sad that he takes so little interest in our children. He has never even read a bedtime story to our four-year-old. Every time I suggest it, he makes an excuse, or fails to come home from work in time. We are both in our early thirties.

/>   Rebecca G, East Sussex

  Dear Rebecca,

  A dog of a husband isn’t just for Christmas, he’s for life! The festive season may heighten matters but it sounds as if you’re fairly unhappy for the rest of the 12 months as well. Your husband is the opposite of the gift that keeps on giving.

  I have no doubt that you both loved each other and he truly believed that he wanted to get married. My concern is that perhaps as a man in his late twenties he wasn’t quite ready for all the sacrifices and responsibilities that marriage entails. Are his male friends married? I doubt it since I find it hard to imagine many men finding wives as patient and understanding as you seem to be.

  Nobody wants to become the naggy ‘her indoors’, but lines need to be drawn since this situation, for the sake of all concerned, cannot continue. It sounds as if he knows how he is letting you down since he bothers to put up a good front for his family and you’ve clearly asked him to become involved with the children. I’d suggest you get some professional mediation because being a great father and husband doesn’t come naturally to everyone.

  If this marriage fails, which it might, remember how unhappy you are now. Would things be that terrible without this man or would it be a huge weight lifted? You are clearly an incredibly strong woman – stay that way!

  Dear Graham,

  My sex life with my husband (of 17 years) has gone a bit quiet. The other day I overheard him telling one of his friends in the pub how much he fancied Jennifer Lopez in Maid in Manhattan. I had no idea he’d even seen it as he claims to hate romcoms.

  His birthday is coming up and I’m wondering if I should book myself in for a St Tropez tan and dress up in a chambermaid’s outfit. Would it inject a bit of va-va-voom into our marriage or would I be setting myself up for ridicule? I am a 48-year-old mother of five.

  Fanny B, Gerrards Cross

  Dear Fanny,

  I’m choosing my words carefully here and really don’t want to cause offence, but the point of a fantasy is that it should be fantastic.

  If the chambermaid looks like J-Lo, that’s sexy. If, however, the woman simply looks like a chambermaid, then a man will probably be more interested in what he can steal off her cart rather than writhing against her pale-blue nylon uniform.

  You’ll notice the producers of the movie didn’t go with the title ‘Maid in Gerrards Cross’. I think after 17 years anyone’s sex life is allowed to calm down a little, especially if five children have been the result.

  It’s great that you want to show your husband a good time but trying to fulfil his fantasies may be a mistake. Far better to whisk him off to a place where you feel sexy – a spa or a posh lunch in a hotel where you could surprise him by announcing you’ve booked a room. It will also give him a chance to see what chambermaids really look like!

  Don’t be downhearted, Fanny. You have so much in your life to be grateful for and your husband is a very lucky man.

  Dear Graham,

  Five months ago, I had a one-night stand with an Irish/American banker I met at a party. What had been a wonderful, spontaneous night turned into something a bit sordid because I never heard from him again. I sent him a couple of light-hearted texts, but he didn’t bother to reply.

  Imagine my surprise when he emailed me out of the blue to ask if I fancied going to New York with him for a few days. His office would be putting us up in a swanky hotel. All I had to worry about was the flight.

  My friends tell me I’d be mad to go, but everyone says New York is amazing, especially around Christmas. I’ve always wanted to go ice skating at the Rockefeller and see Central Park – and of course there’s the shopping. Need I say more? I’m 33. My guess is he’s about the same age. Should I stay or should I go?

  Imogen P, west London

  Dear Imogen,

  Remember how sordid you felt after the one-night stand. Now imagine multiplying those feelings tenfold and it will give you some idea of your mental state when you return from New York. I’m in no position to judge you for having a fling but you are clearly not emotionally equipped to cope with such a cut and dried sexual contract. You want more.

  Your description of your dream trip to the Big Apple reads like a montage from a fairly lame romantic comedy starring Reese Witherspoon. I guarantee that the way your date imagines the weekend going is from a very different sort of movie. If this man really likes you, then he needs to do some wooing at home before you pay for your own flight to NYC just to save him the trouble of trawling the bars or the expense of finding professional companionship.

  Imogen – he didn’t even pick up the phone to speak to you! What if he sent that email to several girls to see which one would bite? You deserve better treatment.

  New York is one of the greatest cities on the planet but don’t tarnish it forever with memories of being there with this man. If he is a nice person, he’s not doing a very good job of showing it.

  However, I get a sinking feeling that you have already made up your mind to go. As Julia Roberts once said – Mistake. Big mistake!

  Dear Graham,

  I’m a 30-something mother of two with a husband who takes a very hard line when it comes to television. We don’t have one in the house and he’s adamant that our children should grow up without it. He is particularly incensed by the rise of reality television.

  Ironically, my parents were bitterly opposed to telly so I never had one in my childhood, unlike my husband who had a wonderfully liberal upbringing. I grew up unfamiliar with words like ‘Bagpuss’ and ‘Morph’ and among my peer group I often felt like an outcast. My parents believed that evenings should be spent reading books and playing musical instruments.

  I’ve tried to explain this to my husband but because his parents gave him unbridled access to television he just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t see that for all its iniquities it is often the glue that holds communities together. I don’t want my children to be the odd kids at school. How can I get my husband to accept a television in the house?

  Charlotte R, Berkshire

  Dear Charlotte,

  Your husband doesn’t hate television or reality shows. He hates himself for not being able to stop watching it. Just because he is too weak-minded to pick and choose what to watch doesn’t mean the rest of the family have to suffer. It is slightly ironic that you have ended up marrying your father, but that’s another issue I suppose.

  Presumably your husband doesn’t hate computers and so we come to the modern marvel that is the BBC iPlayer (though, in fact, every channel now has an online on-demand service).

  The other odd thing about your husband’s rage is that times have changed and children watch far less television than they used to. Computer games and online stuff are rapidly sidelining it. Your husband can rail against the machine all he wants, he just happens to have chosen the wrong machine.

  In the end, it’s important to remember that television is a passive organ that simply churns out hours of programming. It doesn’t care if those programmes are good, bad or The Alan Titchmarsh Show. That is the job of the parent. Tell your husband to grow up, face the real world and do his job.

  Dear Graham,

  I’ve started seeing the most wonderful man, who I met in the fifth-floor bar of Harvey Nicks (I spilled my Bellini on his blazer). He’s not particularly handsome, but he’s spontaneous and intelligent and fantastic company. And he’s the first man I’ve ever gone out with who’s solvent and generous – I’m not sure what he does exactly, but think he works in finance.

  The problem is he’s been divorced four times – yes, four! And he’s only 39. I’m seven years younger than him and am a bit anxious about falling in love with someone with such a terrible track record. He’s got three sets of children by four of the wives – he appears to be supporting them all – so his life is very complicated.

  One of the ex-wives was his personal trainer, the other was his son’s housemistress at school. I’m not being a snob, or anything, but I find that a bit odd. I can
’t work out if he’s someone slightly desperate who can’t bear to be on his own, or if he’s an old-fashioned romantic who’s been unlucky in love. I’ve agreed to go to Monte Carlo with him for a long weekend but I’m getting cold feet. What would you do in my place?

  Isy L, Surrey

  Dear Isy,

  Your letter starts off so promisingly. You have met the most amazing man. By the end of the letter, the only thing that amazes me is that you didn’t chuck a second glass of Bellini over him.

  This man is a player of the worst kind and, if you decide to go to Monte Carlo with him, then frankly you deserve everything you get – which, let me clarify in case you aren’t following, is a broken heart. Be clear in what you find attractive about this man – cash. That doesn’t make you a bad person, but please be honest with yourself.

  Are you seriously suggesting that old-fashioned romantics hang around the fifth-floor bar of Harvey Nichols, bumping into attractive women and flashing their platinum cards?

  There is no doubt you could have a lot of fun, but don’t delude yourself that you could have a future. Walking down the aisle to meet a man who is standing at the altar for the fifth time doesn’t really equate with anyone’s special day. Elizabeth Taylor has eaten less wedding cake than this man.

  I’m positive I haven’t told you a single thing you didn’t already know. Now it is time to admit that all you should accept or expect from this man is a fling, not a ring.

  Dear Graham,

  I’ve done a terrible thing. Three days ago, when I was reversing my car out of the drive, I accidentally ran over my girlfriend’s cat. I’m not fond of cats – in fact, I don’t like them at all (she has three of them) – but I didn’t do it deliberately.