by A. D. Ellis
“You made me a cake?” I didn’t know why but this rattled me almost as much if not more than the surprise party last night. My eyes filled with tears and I snuggled into his chest. He handed me an envelope that had the exact picture from the cake inside. “I thought maybe you’d like a picture to save. I’ve got a copy too.” My tears came full force now.
“Hey, Angel, I didn’t mean to make you cry. I just wanted to do something nice for you.” He spoke into my head as he kissed me there and rubbed his hands up and down my back.
“I’m not sad, I’m very, very happy. And I’m very much in love with you, JJ. Come on, let’s go get our movie and supper so we can get back here for snuggling, cake, and whatever else we want to do.” My teasing wink made him smile and he growled in his chest as he pulled me closer and his hands roamed down to cup my bottom and press me against him. “I know exactly what I want to be doing later. Or, should I say I know exactly who I want to be doing later?” One last long, leisurely kiss and we headed out the door.
An hour later we were back; we had enjoyed a leisurely walk to get a movie and J carried our Chinese takeout in a brown paper bag that was already showing signs of grease spots. I was so hungry; hungry for the man right in front of me, but also hungry for some noodles and crab rangoon. Movie and sustenance first!
An hour and a half later, our tummies full and our eyes watering with tears from the comedy we just thoroughly enjoyed, Jeremiah unloaded the DVD while I gathered up our takeout trash. When I walked back into the living room with a large piece of cake for us to share, I found him sitting on the couch. He was playing with his phone and his knee was bouncing up and down as if he was nervous. My first thought was that he was going to tell me we were through, but I forced myself to calm down and remember how much he loved me and all that he’d done for me. “What’s up, J? You look nervous. Wait, let’s eat this delicious cake first, then you can tell me what’s going on.” I offered him a bite from the fork, but he took the plate and fork from me.
“It’s your birthday, Angel, let me feed you.” The cake was absolutely decadent; his mom’s recipe was one I wanted for my own personal recipe book. After a few teasing bites offered to me and stolen by him, we finished our cake. He placed the plate on the coffee table and pulled his phone out again.
“Audrey, I’m not used to dating and I’m not used to romancing. I’m a single dad with a regular job and I rely greatly on my parents to help with my little boy. Everything I’ve done in the last four years has been because of Beckett; it’s not been because I know what I’m doing, it’s been a gut feeling. The same goes with everything I’ve done for you. I heard this song the other day and it hit me straight in the heart; it’s your song, Angel. I’m not a singer, but I want you to listen to it with me and hear the lyrics. It’s called ‘Let Me Love You’ and NeYo did it first, but I personally like the cover by Gavin Mikhail.” He found what he’s looking for on his phone and hit play. The piano at the beginning of the song had me hooked right away. And then the lyrics started and I was lost.
Much as you blame yourself, you can’t be blamed for the way that you feel
Had no example of a love that was even remotely real
How can you understand something that you never had?
If you let me, I can help you out with all of that
Let me love you
And I will love you
Until you learn to love yourself
Let me love you
I know your trouble
Don't be afraid, oh I can help
Let me love you
And I will love you
Until you learn to love yourself
Let me love you
A heart of numbness gets brought to life
I'll take you there
I can see the pain behind your eyes
It's been there for quite a while
I just wanna be the one to remind you what it is to smile
I would like to show you what true love can really do
His voice was a deep, soothing timbre in my ear as he sang the song to me and I followed along with the lyrics on the phone screen. It’s a hauntingly beautiful song both musically and lyrically; it made me wonder if the writer somehow knew me, this song was so about me. Tears fell with the first line and continued throughout the song; tears of pain, sadness, healing, and hope. This man, my light, my hope, he was baring his heart to me and offering to love me until I could learn to love myself; I knew he meant every word of this song. We listened to it once more but this time, instead of reading the lyrics, I turned in his arms and got lost in his kiss. Before the song even ended, we were heading toward the bedroom, our lips never breaking contact.
Already feeling stripped bare by the song, I allowed JJ to take over and strip me of my clothes. His hands caressed every inch of my skin, from face to feet and back again as if he was worshiping me. “You are so damn gorgeous. Lay back.” He gently pushed me down and came to stand between my legs. His fingers and his mouth spent several minutes on my breasts while I writhed in anticipation of what was to come. Rolling to the side of me, his hand roamed down my torso and eventually found its way to where I needed his touch the most. “Ahhh, Angel, you’re so ready for me. That’s so damn sexy. I’ll give you what you need soon.” His thumb flicked over my most sensitive spot and I almost came apart right then and there. As his fingers wetted themselves in my center and moved in and out, his mouth came back to my breasts. I bucked my hips and moaned his name, “Please, J, now.”
His chuckle in my ear wasn’t what I wanted to hear. “Patience, Sweets, we’ll get there. In fact, I plan on getting you there multiple times, just give in to it all and enjoy the ride.”
Ride, yes, that’s a great plan. I rolled quickly over on top of him and ground my hips against his. His large hands rested on my hips, slowing my movements. His hips thrust up into mine, “Is this what you want, Angel? You want a quick fuck? You want to control it all? Answer me, Audrey.” His voice was desperate; his eyes begging for the answer we both knew needed to come.
“Noooo,” I groaned out and rolled to my back, taking him with me. “I don’t want tonight to be a quick fuck.” He kissed my mouth like a starving man; I had given him the hope that he needed and I knew he wanted to show me how this time could be different. When his tongue had finished devouring my mouth he moved down my body, licking and nipping and kissing every spot as he went. When his mouth found my center, I sobbed out and bucked my hips. His tongue found the spot that craved him and I shattered under him.
Within seconds his clothes were off, the condom was on, and he was crawling back onto the bed and settling between my legs. “Look at me, Angel. I need to see your eyes when you hear me.” My eyes were heavy but I forced them to open and looked at him. My breath caught at the emotion I saw in his eyes. “Audrey, I love you more than I ever thought I could love a woman. Let me love you, give me this, give me you.”
As I swallowed a sob and nodded my agreement, he tips my chin with one finger, “No, Sweets, I need to hear the words. Tell me what you want from me.”
Tears fell as I shuddered out, “Make love to me, JJ.” His thumbs brushed the tears from my cheeks, his mouth hungrily took mine, and he thrust into me. My body stretched to take him all in and rejoiced at having him back where I wanted him most. My heart overflowed with emotions; this time was most definitely different.
He broke the kiss to look into my eyes, “Audrey, I love you with my whole heart. This is forever, no matter what happens I’m never letting you go.” He began to move, slowly but with force, punctuating his declaration with each thrust. With each movement, my heart belonged to him a little more. The beginning of my release started to build; I knew I wouldn’t last much longer.
“I’m close, J, come with me.” He didn’t speed up, in fact he slowed slightly, but his thrusts were harder and deeper. He dropped to his elbows and took my head in his hands, “Forever, Audrey, you and me.” His mouth captured my cries as my body broke a
part with his words. Two more thrusts and he stilled, deep inside and growled out my name as he filled me.
After he discarded the condom, we curled up together under the blanket and slept. We woke a few times during the night and were successful in wearing ourselves out each time. Waking in his arms was the most perfect place to wake up and I never wanted to leave this bed. However, after four rounds, some hard and fast, some soft and slow, my body was feeling every bit of it and I thought maybe leaving the bed was for the best.
We put together a picnic and headed to his parents’ house to get Beckett. While there are very few things I love as much as being in his arms, letting him love me, spending the day with both him and Beckett is right at the top of my list of favorites.
We were all three exhausted from our day at the park. I helped get Beck ready for bed and kissed him goodnight. He sleepily hugged me and whispered, “I hope my dad marries you so you can tuck me in every night. Love you, Audrey.” My heart caught and soared at the same time. I kissed his precious little head and walked out of this room, leaving his dad to finish with prayers and kisses. Within a few moments he had joined me in the hallway.
“I don’t want to freak you out, and this isn’t all because of Beckett, but I agree with him. I want very much to marry you and make us a family. This is completely unplanned and probably the worst proposal in the history of proposals,” he dropped to his knee and held my hand and looked up at me. “Audrey, I never planned on dating again, let alone getting married. I closed my heart to all women because of Beckett. I realize now that I had to close my heart to all women until the right woman came along. You, my sweet angel, are my forever. From bar hookups to gorilla suits to skating rink love confessions, we’ve never been the run-of-the-mill couple, so I guess a proposal in the hallway in front of my son’s room is par-for-the-course for us. Audrey, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, will you make me the happiest man on the planet and marry me?” My tears overflowed and I pulled him up to kiss me.
“Yes, JJ, I’ll marry you. But, in keeping with unconventional, I’d like to do it soon and keep it small.” His tender kiss was interrupted by a sweet little voice, “Did she say yes, Daddy? Is Audrey going to marry you?”
We both laughed and Jeremiah smiled at me as he hollered, “She said yes, Beck, she’s all ours.”
“Yes! Good night, Daddy Good night, Audrey.” I was sure he was going to want to tell Nicky about this first thing in the morning.
We spent the next hour discussing the marriage. Neither of us wanted to wait and neither of us wanted anything big or fancy. Just our family and friends and we wanted to start our life together.
Chapter 31
Audrey
We were married three days later. Jeremiah wore black pants, a black button up shirt, and black Converse. I wore a gorgeous grey dress, fitted to the waist then flaring out. I accented it with a red belt and red shoes. Beckett was our best man. Beth, Nate, Nicky, the Morgans, my dad, and the Jordans were all there to witness the ceremony. It was absolutely perfect. And, as we all know, perfect doesn’t last.
I had moved into Jeremiah’s house immediately and the three of us were settling into a routine. At least once a week, Beckett went to Nicky’s to play video games and at least once a week Nicky came to our house to play with Beck. Tonight, the video games were taking place at our house, so I took the opportunity to go visit with my dad. I hadn’t seen him since the wedding and I wanted to check in on him. He was fairly healthy and doing great at his age, but I still liked to check on him. I knew he was lonely a lot and he still missed my mom, even after all these years.
When I pulled into his driveway, I noticed two cars in addition to his vehicle. I hated to interrupt if he had company but since I was already here, I figured I’d just pop in and say hello. I’ve never been one for believing in the whole “I got a bad feeling” thing, but today I became a believer. A sense of foreboding came over me as I walked up my dad’s back steps. I heard voices and started shaking violently; I felt as if I was going to vomit. Bile built up in the back of my throat and it took great effort to force it down. I didn’t want to walk into the kitchen because my subconscious mind already knew what was facing me; but the rest of me had to see, had to face it. I took a moment, standing on my dad’s steps, to compose myself. I was a victim, I did not ask for any of what happened, they took advantage of me, I am strong, I AM A SURVIVOR.
I stepped into Dad’s kitchen and it was as if I watched the whole scene play out in an out-of-body experience.
“Audrey, honey, what a surprise. I’m glad you’re here; you may not remember them but these are some buddies of mine from a long time ago. Cal, Duke, she was a lot younger back then, but I’m sure you remember my daughter, Audrey.” My dad seemed so happy to have some old buddies come visit him; I couldn’t hurt him right this second. I knew I had to tell him the truth, should have told him the truth years ago, but in the kitchen wasn’t the place. As much as I’d like to see bodily harm come to these two douchebags, I didn’t want my dad in trouble for physical violence or murder. Instead, I put my Devil Audrey façade into place and smiled sweetly at the men.
“I was very, very young when you two were hanging around, right? It’s a good thing I have a perfect memory so that I can remember every detail, even from such an innocent, impressionable, young age. What brings you gentlemen here? Looking for some young, I mean hot girls to seduce?” My voice didn’t falter; my eyes were steely as I delivered my words. Dad looked at me with confusion. Cal smirked and Duke looked positively ready to puke or piss his pants.
Cal, sleazy as always, leaned back on the chair legs and whistled. “Well, well, well, Audrey, you’ve grown up real nice.” I fought the urge to scratch his eyes out.
Duke hung his head. I felt like I saw true guilt and remorse in his eyes before he looked away. Just like back then, Duke seemed to have slightly more conscience than Cal.
What was going to come of this? What did I want to come of this? I needed to get the hell out of here and talk to Dr. Xander about what my next step should be.
“Well, gentlemen, as fabulous as this little jaunt down memory lane has been, I need to get going. Dad, I just came by to check on you. How long will your friends be staying? I’ll check in again when you’re not busy.” I was back toward the door, ready to make my escape when Cal scraped his chair back and offered to walk me out. Despite my protests, he accompanied me down the steps. Once around the side of the house, he quickly turned and slammed me up against the side of my dad’s house.
“Listen, Audrey, you were a little slut eager to learn all I had to teach you way back then. It’s too late for you to do anything legal against me now and it would just hurt your dad. So, be a good girl and keep our history to yourself, got it?” His mouth was hot against my ear and my body shuddered with the memory of his body on top of mine. “Hmmm, little wild cat is married now. Does he know what a dirty girl he’s gotten himself messed up with? Once a slut, always a slut, Audrey. Maybe he wouldn’t mind, maybe we could show him how it used to be with us. What do you say? Want me to teach you a few more tricks? Or, as many times as I bet you’ve been ridden, I bet you could teach me a thing or two these days.” As his mouth came close to mine, I slammed my knee into his crotch and watched in satisfaction as he crumpled to the ground. I felt zero guilt when he cried out, tears streaming from his eyes, and rolled to his side to puke. Taking a deep breath, I turned around and came face-to-face with Duke.
“Audrey, I’m so, so sorry. What I did to you all those years ago was so wrong. I’ve been in therapy for quite a while now, dealing with the guilt and repercussions of my choices and actions. I let Cal convince me that it was ok; I was not in my right mind during that time. I realize that nothing I can do or say will ever change or take away what I did. I molested and raped you and I live each and every day disgusted with myself. I don’t expect forgiveness, I’m not even sure I want it, but I do want you to know just how sorry I am and how much my life has
suffered because of my depravity.” I felt the sincerity in him; it didn’t make my nausea lessen, but I did believe he was sorry.
“Why did you come here, Duke? Why is Cal here?” I used the toe of my shoe to push Cal’s unconscious face a little farther into his puke.
“Cal was coming to visit your dad, or so he says. I think he wanted to see you. I came because I saw it as a chance to apologize to you. I also plan on talking to your dad.”
“Listen, Duke, I need to go. Can I have your number? Would you be willing to sit with my therapist to discuss all of this with my dad and me? I think it would help all of us to get it out in the open and get some closure.” I felt on the brink of losing any and all composure I had left. He handed me a card with his number on it. He was an addiction specialist? He must have seen my expression because he went on to explain.
“Yeah, divorced and a recovering alcoholic. My weakness and illegal actions with you lost me everything. Once I finally hit the bottom of rock bottom, I started working with others who have the same addictive urges as I did. I’m pretty good at it; hell, I’ve had enough real-life experience. Yeah, give me a call; I’m here a couple more days. I’d like to clear this up as much as possible before I leave.” He sighed and hung his head again. Glancing down at Cal he shook his head and walked away.
I ran to my car and sped away, having no clue where I was going. I wanted Jeremiah, I wanted my husband. Cal’s words rang in my ears, “Once a slut, always a slut.” “Does he know what a dirty girl he’s gotten himself messed up with?” No, JJ had no clue what a slut I am; he has no clue about my dirty past. I can’t go home to him; it’s not even my home, I don’t deserve him or Beck. Through my tears, I drove to Beth’s.
I was curled on her couch when she walked in from work. I had ignored about 20 calls and 50 texts from Jeremiah. Beth took one look at me and wrapped me in her arms; it was like she knew something big was coming. Without a word from me, she took my phone and called him; I heard her speaking softly from the kitchen. “Yeah, she’s with me. Something is wrong but I’m not sure what it is. No, let me talk to her first. I get the feeling this is something big. I promise she’s safe. Just give us some time. No, no, she loves you more than anything, just give her some time.”