by A. D. Ellis
“Oh, hi Mr. Martin. Um, I haven’t seen Mrs. Martin arrive yet. Let me check and see if they’ve already called her back and I just missed it.” Lisa stepped to the back for a moment. When she returned I took in the fact that she was already shaking her head to confirm that Izzy hadn’t gotten there yet. My stomach started to churn; how could she not be there? She left in plenty of time, she should have been there by that time.
As I stepped out of the office to get better reception and call Izzy, my phone rang. Seeing her name on the screen, I breathed a sigh of relief. “Hey, Izzy-bel, where are you? I beat you to the office already.” I laughed at her, knowing how she hated to be late.
“Mr. Martin? This is Officer Johnson. Your wife has been in an accident; we need you to meet us at Benton Memorial Hospital. Go through the emergency department. Mr. Martin, are you still with me, sir?” The officer sounded hesitant.
“What? Yes, yes, I’m here. How is she? Is it bad?” I was already heading toward my bike to race to the hospital. It was only a mile away.
“Sir, we’d like to speak with you when you arrive rather than over the phone. I will meet you in the emergency department as soon as you get there. The ambulance has already taken your wife there; we were searching for a number to call and found your name in her phone.” His voice trailed off and I reached my bike.
“I’m heading that way.” I clipped out. My mind was swirling with what-ifs. What if she was injured severely? What if she was already dead? What if she hurt someone else? As I drove toward my destination, I noticed the other side of the road was littered with debris; my heart sank as I realized this was the location of Izzy’s accident. I saw her little black car; no one could have survived that. I went into auto-pilot mode; I arrived at the hospital but I don’t remember getting there. The officer met me at the door and I could tell from the look on his and his partner’s face that my prediction after having seen the accident site was correct. I don’t remember dropping to my knees and sobbing in the entry way of the emergency room, but at some point both officers assisted me to my feet and walked me to the room where my Izzy-bel was.
She was black and blue, from head to toe. I hadn’t spoken to a doctor yet but I would have guessed there were very few bones in her body that weren’t broken. She was hooked up to multiple machines; I saw the ventilator breathing for her. The officers stood outside the door, not leaving me but giving me privacy.
“Oh, my God, my sweet Izzy-bel. What happened, baby?” I gently took her hand and my heart broke even more when I felt how cold it was. This was my wife, the woman I had been making love to just an hour before; she had been warm and sexy and alive. Now she was cold and hurt and still. So very still.
“Hello, I’m Dr. Dannick. You’re Mr. Martin, the husband?” An older gentleman with white hair and a white coat walked to stand opposite me beside Izzy’s bed.
“Yes,” my voice croaked, “I’m Kyle Martin, her husband.”
“Mr. Martin, I will let you talk to the officers in more detail about your wife’s accident, but it appears she may have been distracted; she veered left, over corrected and hit a tree.” The doctor paused to let me take in his words. Izzy was distracted? By what? My stomach revolted against me as I recalled the text I had sent her; did that simple message cause this hell we were living? I had to sit down; pulling a chair alongside the bed, I sat while still holding Izzy’s hand.
“Can she hear us? Does she have a chance at recovery?” I spoke to the doctor with a raspy voice; I felt it in my soul that she was already gone, taken from me much too soon.
The doctor’s eyes were kind, but his words and expression were grave, “Son, she has no brain activity. Her body has stopped functioning, the only thing keeping her with us is the ventilator. She’s not really breathing, she’s not alive.”
The man’s words confirmed what I had known from the moment I took her hand in mine. My sweet Izzy-bel was gone. I would never see those huge violet eyes again; I’d never kiss those bright pink lips. My best friend, the love of my life, gone.
“Mr. Martin, I have some other news that I need to share with you. Were you aware that your wife was pregnant?” And just like that, my world was wrecked even more. What a cruel twist of fate; we had tried so hard and failed for so long. Now we succeeded and Izzy was taken away from me?
“We had been trying for five years. No, I didn’t know; we were supposed to go to an appointment today to find out.” My voice croaked as I said the words; the gravity of this fucked up situation sinking in a bit more.
“The trauma of the accident caused a spontaneous miscarriage upon arrival. I’m sorry for the loss of your child, Mr. Martin. As delicate as this situation is, I must ask you to make a decision about life support. If you have questions, please don’t hesitate to ask; I’ll leave you to yourself. Take all the time you need, but I need to know if you want to continue life support or let her go. You can let a nurse know when you’ve made your decision. The nurse will also speak to you about organ donation if you know of your wife’s wishes on that topic.” The doctor patted my shoulder in a grandfatherly way and left the room.
Kyle
“Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality.” ~Emily Dickinson
My wife, my best friend, the love of my life was pregnant.
Was pregnant.
Was.
Not anymore.
Why? Because I made her late, because she was distracted by something, wrecked her car, suffered severe trauma, miscarried our baby, and lost her life. Sitting in the hospital room, holding her hand, I had to make a decision. It wasn’t a hard decision; I knew what I would do because I knew what Izzy would have wanted. She would never have wanted to be kept ‘alive’ in this manner; she was a huge proponent of organ donation as well so I knew she’d want her organs to help as many people as possible. I knew what I had to do. But, I didn’t want to make the decision; not so soon, not right then.
I sat for over an hour, crying at her side. I told her about the baby and made her hand give me a fist bump to celebrate our final success.
“I’m so sorry this happened, Izzy-bel. I’m sorry I made you run a little late, but I’m also grateful for the last moments we had together. If my text to you was the cause of your accident, I swear I’ll live the rest of my life hating myself. I’m going to have to let you go soon, Iz. You’ve got a baby to meet in Heaven. I’m jealous that you get to know if it was a boy or a girl. I hope it’s a girl with your beautiful eyes. I don’t want to say goodbye, baby, but I think you’ve got places to be; if you get a chance, come to me sometimes, even if it’s just in my dreams. I love you so very much, baby. I will miss you every second of every day. I don’t understand why you were taken from me, but I will love you for the rest of my life.” I had let the nurse know of my decision and I held tightly to Izzy’s hand as the nurse took away all of the life support. Leaning in to nuzzle her cheek, I whispered, “It’s ok, Izzy-bel. Go ahead and let go. I’ll hold you in my heart always, baby.” My tears fell on her cheeks as the monitors became silent. My Izzy-bel was gone.
**********
Hours later, after speaking to the hospital and making the necessary arrangements and meeting with the officers who arrived upon the scene of the accident first, I was done at the hospital.
I was done.
I could leave.
But I didn’t want to leave; my sweet Izzy was still there, I didn’t want to leave her alone. Rationally I told myself that it was just her body, her heart and soul had left her just moments after the accident; but my grieving, irrational side felt like leaving the hospital was giving up on her. I hesitated in front of the doors which would lead me to my bike; if I didn’t leave here, I wouldn’t have to start the next part of my journey without my best friend by my side. I turned around quickly and began roaming the hospital. I knew I’d have to leave soon; I needed to make calls and arrangements. But leaving here and going to our empty home was not something I was ready for just yet.
I found myself on the labor and delivery floor; I stood, mesmerized, in front of the glass partition which allowed me to see the new babies. My heart, already shattered beyond recognition, wept inside my chest. I played out how this day should have gone; we should have been laughing and celebrating our pregnancy. Izzy had plans for a nursery; we should have been looking at paint samples. I knew we would have ordered in and spent our evening in awe that we had finally succeeded.
Instead, I was lost; wandering by myself, crying, staring at babies. I had imagined Izzy and me as parents many times; I wanted so badly to be a daddy to our child, in my mind it was always a baby girl. I pictured Izzy holding our baby to her breast, hearing her first word, watching her take her first steps. The tears in my eyes blurred the babies in front of me; like the image of our own baby, they faded away. I turned and walked to the main floor.
As my heart and mind struggled with the emotions I felt upon leaving this place, I powered through the door and into the evening air. I took a shuddering breath, “Izzy, I don’t want to go on; I want to be with you and our baby. But I know you’d tell me to buck up and live my life. I will keep trying to breathe; I will survive for you, but I’m not sure I can actually ‘live’.” Letting out the breath I had been holding, I climbed on my bike and headed to my empty home.
**********
Izzy’s funeral was beautiful.
Fuck that. It wasn’t beautiful, it was a fucking funeral.
People kept telling me what a beautiful service it was and that she looked so peaceful.
Fuck that shit! What was beautiful about burying my wife? And peaceful? I’ve never seen a dead body look peaceful. Izzy looked…well, she looked dead. She wasn’t my Izzy. The mortician, while he had done a great job covering her bruises, just couldn’t capture her hair and makeup; she didn’t look like she was supposed to.
I opted to have the casket closed after close family and friends had paid their respects. Alone with her for one last time, I brushed a lock of hair out of her face, kissed my fingers and placed them on her lips. “No kissing a dead body, baby. I know you’d be in agreement with me on that one.” I chuckled as I slid my wedding ring off and placed it carefully on her finger. I pulled a pair of pink baby booties out of my pocket. “Give these to our baby girl, Izzy; tell her that her daddy loves her more than she’ll ever know.” Again, rationally, I knew that she couldn’t hear me, she wasn’t taking these things with her, she was already where she was meant to be, but it gave me some closure to go through these actions.
Hours later, as the line of people began to dwindle, I looked up to see the face of my best friend from high school. Jeremiah Jordan had been best buddies with both Izzy and me. The tears in his eyes and the emotions I felt over seeing him after all of these years finally did me in, and I let the tears flow. I was grateful that he had waited until all of the others had gone through the line before he approached.
“Jordan, man, thanks so much for coming. I didn’t expect you to make such a long trip.” I clapped him on the back, but he grabbed me into a full-blown hug.
“Man, there’s nowhere else I’d be right now. It fuckin’ sucks that this is how we meet up after such a long time, but I knew I needed to be here with you; Izzy would kick my ass if she knew I left you to deal with this on your own.” I smiled at his words, knowing he was right. He had loved Izzy like a sister and they had teased and bickered just like siblings all those years ago.
“I think I’m done here until tomorrow morning. Do you have some time? We can grab some coffee or something.” I understood if he needed to head out right away; he had driven a long distance. But I was hoping he’d have an hour or so to catch up.
“Man, I’m yours for the next few days if you’ll have me. I thought maybe I could sleep on your couch, see your shop, help out with anything that needs done to get through this part.” The tears started again, my teeth were going to be ground to little nubs if I kept this up. Even with the tears, my heart felt slightly lighter than it had since the accident; having my friend there to help out and distract me was just what I needed. I had my own parents and Izzy’s parents, but it wasn’t the same as having a buddy there.
After all of the funeral necessities were completed the next day, Jeremiah and I spent the next three days reliving grade school and high school memories, drinking a little more than we should have, playing basketball, and just catching up. For three days my heart wasn’t as broken as it had been. For three days the pain wasn’t as severe as it had been. But, life had to go on and Jeremiah had to get back to his family. We promised to keep in touch. I watched him drive off in his old Bronco and felt the dark clouds roll in. I could feel the heavy blanket of sadness and hopelessness settle over me. I kept trying to breathe through the heaviness; I would survive, but I couldn’t live.
Kyle
“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.” ~Author Unknown
A year or so later
I couldn’t stay there any longer. I had already moved out of the house Izzy and I shared, and I was living in the back room at my shop. But it had started to feel like the town was closing in on me more and more. I kept trying to breathe, but it was getting harder and harder each and every day.
Everyone in town had moved on. People had expectations of me; some thought I was too sad, some thought I was too happy, everyone had an opinion on how I should be acting now that my wife had been gone a year.
My parents were travelling the world. Izzy’s parents had retired to a warm beach. I had a few people I considered friends in town, but no one and nothing was truly holding me here any longer. It had been a year since I lost my wife. Part of me felt like it had happened yesterday; part of me, the piece that was so very tired of trying to keep breathing and surviving, felt like it had been a million years. Every day was the same; I fought all day, swimming against the tide of blackness that threatened to overtake me. I visited with a therapist for a trial run; she suggested that I make a fresh start, get out of town, away from the memories. She promised that the memories I wanted to keep of Izzy and me would remain, but letting go of the extra would free me up to keep moving along. For some reason I liked her phrase “moving along” better than “moving on.” Moving on felt like I was turning my back on what Izzy and I had. Moving along seemed more like I was just living life and taking on what came at me next. I liked that.
Packing up my shop and listing it for sale didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would; I was actually feeling somewhat relieved to be getting away. Jeremiah had invited me to stay with his family for as long as needed. I’d be moving in with them within the week. I didn’t plan on staying indefinitely, just until I could get a new job set up and my own place to stay. Knowing I was going to be closer to a good friend was a strong attraction for moving to Torey Hope, Illinois.
**********
Moving in with Jeremiah and Audrey Jordan and their children went as smoothly as can be expected. Their kids were great and Audrey was perfect for him. The entire extended family welcomed me as one of their own; feeling welcomed softened the blackness to more of a dark grey.
I had feared feeling like a third wheel in this large family. Jeremiah had Audrey and their three children. Audrey’s sister, Libby, was married to Nate Morgan and they also had three kids. Nate’s brother, Nicky, had a wife and child as well. Then there were the older couples; John and Cindy Morgan, Jack and Judy Jordan, and Captain Robert Decker. The Captain was Libby and Audrey’s dad and a widower, but even he seemed to be moving on and beginning to date again.
However, instead of being the third wheel, I met Josie Decker. She was the niece of Robert Decker. I hadn’t heard her entire story, I’m not sure the rest of her family had either, but I knew she had just recently arrived in Torey Hope and was staying with the Captain until she could get her feet under her.
If I hadn’t been so focuse
d on just breathing, I would have found my breath taken away by Josie Decker. She was about 5’6” which made her quite a bit shorter than my six-feet. Her skin was like porcelain; had I wanted to hold her hand it would have contrasted starkly with the olive tone in my own skin. Her hair was a deep auburn color that hung past her shoulders and made her bright blue eyes pop from her wary and gentle face.
I felt a connection to Josie the second I met her; she was going through something like I was. I didn’t know if she had lost someone or what her situation was, but I could tell she was still reeling from something big. We both had a past we weren’t completely ready to share; we both had memories and demons we were battling.
I loved that she was easy to talk to, we struck up a friendship right away. I think with us being the two “extras” in the family, it was likely for us to be paired up a lot of times. I didn’t mind; Josie was kind and gentle and fun to be around. I got the feeling she was like a wild animal that had been caged; her will had been taken from her, but I didn’t think she had been broken. I saw a flicker of something in her eyes now and then which led me to believe that Josie wanted to break free from the prison that was holding her back. But she needed to love herself and believe in herself first; she was too restrained, too uncertain, too wilted. I hoped that our friendship would bring that life back to her and also help me breathe easier.
I knew the whole family hoped that Josie and I would become something more. I didn’t want to go into details, but I wasn’t ready now, or ever, to love again. Friendship though was something I needed, something I could offer, something I wanted.
**********
I had just taken Josie on her first motorcycle ride and she was still riding the high from the thrill of that. I felt guilty popping her with a question like the one I had planned when she was so full of adrenaline, but it was something I needed to ask and I wanted to get a move on my plan. We had already had a conversation earlier about both of us being ready to move out on our own, so maybe this plan wouldn’t take her as much by surprise as I worried it would.