by A. D. Ellis
I battled the internal struggle within me and finally just overpowered and delivered my question. “Okay, here’s the deal; I’ve been thinking about what we talked about. I can’t or won’t talk about the bad shit that brought me here, at least not right now. I’m still fighting pain and demons, but I feel better here than I’ve felt in a long time. I want to stay; I can’t keep living with Audrey and Jeremiah. I want a place of my own, and I want to set up a tattoo shop in town. I know you want your own place as well. Maybe I’m prying but I get the feeling that you’ve got some stuff going on in your past as well; no need to talk about it until a time when you feel up to it. But, I was wondering, since we’re friends looking for the same thing, if you’d like to look for a place with me? We could be roommates. Whatdya think?” From my seat on the bike, I turned my eyes up at her with my question.
“Kyle, I think that’s a wonderful idea! I trust you completely since you’re friends with Jeremiah; I know Audrey would have said something already if she didn’t trust you as well. But, can we look at houses first? I’d really like to get something where we both have a bedroom and then maybe we could use a third bedroom as a studio.” At my questioning look she shrugged, “I like to paint. Or, I used to like to paint, and I’d like to try it again. I also do scrapbooking so a studio/office space would be perfect. If we can’t find a house in our price-range, we can switch to apartments. I have quite a bit of money saved even though I’ve not been working. We should sit down right after the holidays and work out a budget. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe how exciting this is!” She blushed now, realizing just how worked-up the bike ride and my suggestion had her.
I had to laugh at her enthusiasm, and I brushed aside the stirring I felt in my core as I watched her face flush pink. “Well, Josie-girl, I think you’re still a little jazzed from your first motorcycle ride; but I’m glad that my suggestion is so exciting. I consider you a friend and it’s good to see you letting loose a little bit. Day after tomorrow, let’s sit down and run some numbers and start our search.” I leaned in to hug her and Josie hugged me back; I refused to acknowledge the tingly feeling that hugging her left on my body.
Josie
“When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.” ~Jean Shinoda Bolen
Kyle Martin had recently moved in with Audrey and Jeremiah. I know I said I had no plans of ever pairing up with a man again, but Kyle is different. Aside from the fact that I didn’t plan on dating, Kyle had made it very clear that he had no intentions of dating. He didn’t actually say those words but I could sense a wall around him guarding his heart. I didn’t know what happened to hurt him so badly, but I could tell dating was not even on his radar.
If I WAS looking to date, I wasn’t even sure if Kyle would be my type. He’s a very attractive man; about six-feet, tattoos all over his body, piercings, hair that he colors and styles a different way almost daily. His chocolate brown eyes were filled with pain, but I would sometimes see a tiny spark; it was like a damp match that starts to light but just can’t burn. His eyes were like that; he would laugh or joke with me and start to look moderately happy. But then, just as quickly as the spark began, a look of guilt would cross his face, and he would shut down.
Kyle is the exact opposite of me. No, that’s not accurate. Kyle is the me that I want to be, he’s the opposite of the me my parents and Wayne created. I watched Kyle dress the way he wanted, speak the way he wanted, and be whatever he wanted; I desired that. I wanted to let loose and really live, really be me. I had started with baby-steps; riding a motorcycle for the first time was definitely for the new me and was such a rush. I couldn’t wait to do it again; one thing off of my bucket list and the rest just waiting for me to get to them. On my own time, because I wanted to do them; not because someone was telling me to do them.
I was contemplating a tattoo; actually, I was thinking about two. The first would be like a practice or trial run; the second would be a much larger piece. Once Kyle and I got settled in our new place, I planned to talk to him about the tattoos I wanted.
I didn’t even think twice about being roommates with Kyle. Other than Libby, Audrey, and Carly, Kyle was the only friend I’d really ever had. My parents and Wayne really put a kink in friendships for me. I loved my cousins and Carly; we spent a lot of time together and I was really beginning to glow from the girl-talk and their love and support. But, Kyle was almost like my soul-mate; if a person could be your soul-mate without being a romantic love interest, then that’s what Kyle was. He and I contrasted and complemented each other perfectly.
We got along great and neither of us was expecting more from ‘us’ than friends and roommates. I think that’s one of the reasons we clicked so well, there were no expectations from either of us; we were truly just friends.
**********
We spent a very long, very disappointing week looking at house after house. We had chosen a realtor and she was very kind, but she just wasn’t finding us what we were wanting. We needed at least two bedrooms and we wanted a space for a studio. We also wanted enough room that the rest of the family could come over often; Kyle and I laughed that we had gotten pretty used to the Morgan’s, Jordan’s, and Decker’s family get-togethers and we wanted to have space for them to come to our place sometimes too.
The Monday of our second week of house hunting Kyle picked me up at Uncle Robert’s and we went to get coffee before meeting the realtor. I had started making excuses for him to drive so we could ride his motorcycle.
Kyle had taken to shortening my name; I loved it and secretly smiled each time he said my name as something other than Josie. Usually it was Jo or Jose or Jo-Jo. It made me feel comfortable and wanted and safe to have this man, my friend, call me personal little nicknames.
“So, Jose, I’m wondering if we need to give up on the idea of a house. I know you’ve got your heart set on a house for a studio area, but it’s starting to seem like it’s just not going to work out. I was thinking that maybe you could set up a studio area in my shop once I get it. It wouldn’t be as convenient as having it right in our house, but it would give you a place to work; plus, you could spend your days with me. That’s got to be a bonus.” He smiled a crooked little smile at me as his warm chocolate brown eyes laughed.
I had to laugh at him; he was such a good guy, so fun and funny and caring. He was so smart but he was also a smartass and sarcasm was a second language for him. I truly hated that he was so hurt inside; I felt like he had so much to give, something was just holding him back. “Wow! Bonus for sure!” I smiled at him and he shrugged his shoulders as if to say, “Yeah, I know.”
“You’re right though, we should let her know today that she can start looking at apartments for us. I guess I’ll just have to let go of my dreams and watch my hopes be dashed and slashed.” I sighed dramatically and tried to pull off my saddest face. In all actuality, I really was sad, but it didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. I was just happy I’d still be rooming with my friend. Kyle smiled at me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders as we left the quaint little coffee house. I caught myself inhaling his scent; it was clean, fresh, and male. There was a slight tingling in my belly as I leaned into his solid warmth; he may have been just my friend but I wasn’t totally immune to this man.
As we pulled up in front of the realtor’s office, the woman who had been showing us houses came running out on her chubby little legs. “Whoa, she looks excited.” Kyle whispered in my ear as Sally ran toward us. She was breathing hard when she reached us; either from excitement or exertion or both.
“Oh. My. Goodness! I’m so glad you both are here! You won’t believe the deal that just came across my computer screen! I think it’s the absolute perfect fit for you! I was ready to give up and convince you to find a nice apartment, but this showed up and it’s seriously perfect! Let’s go, follow me!” She made an abrupt about-face and headed to her sporty little car. Kyl
e and I looked at each other, eyebrows raised in excited anticipation.
We followed Sally as she sped along Torey Hope’s streets; I loved the fact that the house wasn’t right in town but was just on the outside of it. When we pulled up in front of the house, my eyes filled with tears as I stood in the front yard gazing up at its beauty. Kyle must have sensed my overwhelmed emotions because he walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me from behind. “Like what you see, Jo-Jo? Is this what you were dreaming of?” His voice was quiet and smooth in my ear and it added to the overall impact of the moment.
“This is exactly what I’ve been dreaming of,” I told him as I dried the tears. “Look at it, Kyle, it’s the most gorgeous house I’ve ever seen!” I stood there, barely breathing as I took in the sturdy columns on the front porch, the small portico on the right, the impressive turret on the left. I could already picture my studio in one of the turret rooms and a reading nook in one of the bay windows. I turned worried eyes toward Sally, “I know this type of Victorian usually goes for a pretty penny, are you sure we can afford this?” I had already fallen in love with it, I wasn’t sure I could deal with not getting this house.
Sally practically jumped up and down as she exclaimed, “You can totally afford this house! That’s why I’m so excited! You wouldn’t believe the deal you’re going to get! Let’s go in and check it out! If you love the outside, you’re going to die over the interior!” Sally was seriously about to explode with giddiness. Kyle and I hid our smiles as we followed her into the house.
As we walked up the front sidewalk, Kyle exclaimed, “It’s a good thing I’m a sucker for color. You like this color, Jo?” The house was a gorgeous lavender with dark purple trim. I loved it and told Kyle so. “But if you want to change the color, that’s ok. Let’s just not change it as often as you change your hair color.” I teased him but got the feeling that he would let me keep the color if I wanted.
After an hour of touring every nook and cranny of the house, we were both completely sold. I had already envisioned decorations in certain rooms. I had claimed the upstairs “round room” in the turret as my studio and we’d decided to keep the downstairs turret room as the library/office like the last owners had designed it. Kyle laid claim to the upstairs room as his own studio; I knew he was an artist, but I was also learning how much he loved music. He planned to put in a little work space and audio features. Downstairs there were two bedrooms; they shared a bathroom as a lot of older homes did. This wasn’t the most convenient setup, but it definitely wasn’t enough to deterr us from buying. This house was on the very small end for a Victorian style home, but it had plenty of room for the two of us and met the wishes we were looking for; we’d even have room for the entire family to come over.
Walking out on the porch, I pictured sitting here on nice evenings, sipping tea, reading or talking to Kyle. I wanted this house. This place already felt more like home than either of the homes I’d lived in with my parents or Wayne. I visibly shivered when I thought of Wayne; Kyle noticed, “You ok, Jose? You having second thoughts? We can take a bit and think about it if you want.”
I shook my head and smiled at him, “No way. I was just thinking of something unpleasant. I am definitely sure about this house. Can we go ahead and make our offer?”
We followed Sally back to the office and immediately put in our offer. Waiting for the response was torture, but we heard back fairly quickly and within a week we were moving into our new home.
**********
“So, tell me about this ‘I used to paint’ statement you made. What made you stop painting?” Kyle inquired during a lunch break one day as we were moving in and unpacking our belongings. Kyle had a few more belongings than I did; he’d kept some things in storage when he moved to Torey Hope. Neither of us had a lot so we had been doing a lot of shopping for furniture. Kyle said he’d let the girls and I handle shopping for the decorations. We’d been working all week and had made quite a dent in getting the place ready to live in. We were planning on moving in the following week.
“Well, it’s a pretty long and drawn out story; not a very happy one either. So, I’ll save you that part and just suffice it to say that I used to paint and was forced to stop. But I very much want to get back to it. I used to have a website where I sold my work, but it was taken away from me. I want to set up another site and this time I want to make it totally mine. Would you help me design a logo?” I was chomping at the bit to get the area set up so I could begin painting and selling my work again.
Kyle watched me for a while, deep in thought, then he nodded his head, “Definitely. We’ll work on it as soon as we are moved in completely. What’s the name of your website store going to be?”
I didn’t want to use “Art by J” again; too many bad memories and I didn’t want Wayne to be able to track me down through the website if that were even possible. I had been playing around with a name in my head for a while. I wanted to take my image of wild horses running free and make it into my logo and business name. I had recently found a song called Wild Horses by Natasha Bedingfield and I cried as I listened to it; it was like she wrote the song just for me. Coming out of my ponderings, I smiled at Kyle. “I think I’m going to call it ‘Wild Horses—Reckless Abandon Art by J. Marie’.”
He smiled and nodded, “That’s perfect. Have you heard that song called Wild Horses? I think it sort of fits you.” He looked at me to see if I knew the song he was talking about.
Tears filled my eyes, “Yeah, I’ve heard it. I almost think it was written about me if you want to know the truth. That’s where the name came from. And, while we’re on the subject, I’m pretty sure wild horses will be the theme of the tattoo I have you do for me one day.”
He looked shocked for a moment then grabbed my hand across the table, “I knew you were a tattoo girl at heart the moment I first met you. I’d be honored to work something up for you and ink that beautiful virgin skin of yours. You just let me know when you’re ready.” I was touched that he got me so completely. I forced myself to ignore the electricity that passed from his hand up my arm with his touch.
“Well, go ahead and plan something small to start with. Maybe for my wrist? I want it to say ‘run free’ and have a small wild horse with it. I’ll start with that and work up to the bigger piece. I want the big one across my back; wild horses and the words ‘Reckless Abandon’.” I could already see Kyle’s artist wheels turning as I spoke; I knew he would design something perfect and beautiful.
**********
A week later we were totally moved into the house and had started staying there. I missed seeing Uncle Robert, but I was so thrilled to have a place of my own. Kyle had gotten along great with Jeremiah, Audrey, and the kids but I knew he was glad to be somewhere with more privacy. We agreed that we’d take the week to set up my studio and then have the rest of the family over to see the house properly; of course, Nate, Nicky, and Jeremiah had all helped us move our stuff in, but I wanted everyone to come over and help us celebrate our home.
Audrey, Libby, and Carly had expressed some reservations about Kyle and me jointly taking on this house; they worried if one of us started dating it would be somewhat awkward to have the date come over. They questioned what would happen if one of us wanted to marry one day. I pushed their concerns away; neither Kyle nor I were planning on dating. I was completely satisfied with where my life was right then and I had no plans of marrying again. I knew Kyle felt the same; well, I knew he felt the same about dating, so I assumed he didn’t plan on marrying either.
I knew Kyle and I needed to get everything set up so we could start bringing in an income, but the time we got to spend together setting up our home, my studio, and his shop were some of the best weeks of my life. I learned to laugh; I made decisions based on what I wanted, not worrying about the reactions of others; I got to be myself. I learned to not concern myself with pleasing others. I knew Kyle liked me, I knew my new family liked me, that was all that was important to me; I was
done trying to please others. I was living for me; I was set on learning to love myself.
We started with my studio and took three days. I opted for white walls and black furniture so it was the perfect lighting for my painting. Kyle had shown me a couple drawings of “Wild Horses—Reckless Abandon Art by J. Marie” He was truly so very talented. We enlisted Jeremiah’s computer skills to help us convert Kyle’s drawing into my website logo. I had brought a couple small paintings with me along with some blank premade scrapbooks I’d made. I took the pictures of them and listed them for sale on the site. I had started realizing that staging the photos of my paintings and scrapbooks was almost as much fun as creating them in the first place. I planned to have some other items created and for sale within the next couple weeks.
After setting up my studio, we were both exhausted but I felt happier than I ever had. I was away from Wayne, I had family to love me, I had a friend to share a home with, and I had my art and website back; I pushed aside the niggling fear of Wayne tracking me down. I was much stronger now than I had ever been; I wouldn’t say that I had yet learned to actually love myself and believe in myself, but I was getting better and better at it every day. I caught tears streaming down my cheeks as I stood in the doorway of my studio; my emotions were all over the place. Kyle finished hanging the paper he’d drawn my logo on and walked over to me. “Hey, Jo-Jo, don’t cry. This is a good thing. Whatever that prick did to you, he can’t take this away. This is yours, you did this; this is one of those wild horses breaking free from the corral and running free.” He gathered me into a hug; I heard his intake of breath as I wrapped my arms around his waist. I didn’t know how he knew that my tears stemmed from a man, but I knew Kyle would help take the weight of my past from me if I just asked. We stood like that for several moments; I felt as if I were drawing strength from him. Each day that we spent together I felt more and more strongly that Kyle and I were brought to Torey Hope for a reason; we needed the place, we needed the people, we needed each other.