by A. D. Ellis
“I went to church with that lady. Her name was Marty, short for Martha. Turned out she had lost a daughter to suicide, and she was hell-bent to prevent me from taking my life; she hadn’t realized the pain her own daughter was in before she took her own life, or she hadn’t wanted to admit it. But, meeting me and saving me and hearing my story, she knew she had a second chance to do the right thing. Damn woman was persuasive.” Julie laughed. “She kept at me, kept begging me to let her have her second chance. Every Sunday she made me promise that I’d give her just one more Sunday. I was drawn to this woman; I didn’t want to let her down. I don’t know how she reached me when my own parents and the doctors and therapists couldn’t reach me, but for some reason I wanted to keep fighting the darkness for Marty.”
“The songs and messages at church each Sunday really spoke to me. I got involved in a group for people struggling with different health problems like cancer, depression, and other chronic diseases, at Marty’s insistence of course. I started seeing that I wasn’t the only one dealing with this. I started seeing that I was deserving of more from life. I started seeing the light creep into my life and the darkness had a harder time overtaking the light now.”
“My recovery wasn’t overnight. It was a year of Sundays, with Marty making me promise at least one more Sunday, until I finally started seeing another therapist and really started seeing the light start fighting back with the darkness. That was three years ago. I’m still in therapy about once a month. I still go to church every Sunday, usually with Marty. My parents joined me in attending as well. It’s not easy and the darkness still tries to overtake my light sometimes, but I revel in the warmth and glow of the light, so I keep fighting back.” Julie stopped and glanced up at the overhead mirror to see that I had added her blues and purples and I was working on the fiery warmth of the oranges and reds on the sun. “The light is just too beautiful to let the darkness overtake it ever again. It’s exhausting sometimes, fighting back that seeping darkness, but with the right medicines, therapy, church, family and friends, and a love of that light, I keep fighting every day.” Julie closed her eyes, as if the story had drained her. She hadn’t told me as much of the story when she explained what she wanted on her tattoo, so I had been just as enthralled with her story as Josie had been. I felt her depression to my very core; those feelings of blackness had threatened to claim me so many times after I lost Izzy.
“Julie, that’s a beautiful story and I’m so very blessed that you shared it with us. Your tattoo is perfect for that story. I hope you can use your journey to reach others who are fighting that darkness as well.” Josie spoke sincerely to the girl.
“Thanks Josie. Yeah, Kyle pretty much captured my story perfectly with this design. Marty and I have been talking to groups at different locations about depression and how to help. Sometimes just letting someone know that you’ve been there and you understand is helpful. I just hope that I can save someone from the blackness that threatened to overtake me. If I can save one person from it, it’s worth telling my story. Marty has assisted so many people suffering through depression; but she still fights the demons of not reaching her own daughter soon enough.” Julie stopped to listen to my instructions for care and winced as she pulled up her yoga pants. “Wow, you weren’t kidding when you said to wear something with a soft waistband. Ouch.” She smiled though and I knew she was very happy with her new ink.
After Julie paid and I cleaned up my work station, Josie and I headed out the back door of the shop. “Did you drive, Jo?”
She smirked and shook her head. “Nope, you know I’d walk all the way here if it means I get to ride on your motorcycle.” I smiled at her, knowing it was true. I, too, had taken to liking her riding on my bike. I liked having her behind me, her arms wrapped around my waist, her legs firmly encasing mine.
“Well, then, let’s go. We can get cleaned up and decide what we’re doing for our ‘date’ tonight.” We climbed on my black, silver, and green Harley and roared toward home.
**********
I decided to play up this practice date scenario. I dressed in gray jeans, a blue long-sleeve button up, and black boots. I put all of my piercings in, rolled up the sleeves so that the tattoos could be seen, and added some leather bracelets to my wrists. I had colored my hair again before my shower; actually, I guess I had removed the color. I was now sporting dark brown hair with a chunk/stripe of white. I styled it into a messy, punky Mohawk and headed out of the back door. I texted Josie to let her know I’d be back by the time of our date.
I drove over to Jeremiah’s house to kill a little time. When I arrived at his front door, Audrey answered and let out a whistle. “Damn, who is this very fine man standing on my front porch? You look a little like Kyle Martin, but you seem more alive than I’ve seen him look in a while.” When I laughed good-naturedly, she got serious for a bit. “Really, Kyle, you look great. Both physically and emotionally. What’s the occasion?” She stepped aside while she spoke so I could enter the house. Jeremiah had walked into the living room. He stopped when he saw me and looked me up and down. I saw a wicked gleam in his eyes; he walked over toward me and caressed my arm. “Hey man, I knew you’d come around some day. And I’m touched, really, I am. But, I just can’t leave my wife and family for you. Once upon a time, you were all I craved, but now, I’ve got all I need. I hope you can understand.” He almost made it through his words without cracking a smile. Almost.
Putting him in a headlock as I’d done about a million times before, I laughed and told him to “shut the fuck up, Jordan.” He and Audrey whooped with laughter, and it felt good to just goof off and laugh with friends.
Walking to the kitchen, Audrey put on some coffee and we all sat down at the table. Beckett came in at one point and looked at my hair. “You sort of look like a skunk, Kyle. But if you are happy with how you look then it’s okay.” That kid sounded like a miniature public speaker or therapist every time I talked to him. Megan came in later and asked her mom if she could have a white stripe in her hair too. Audrey told her she could do anything she wanted to her hair when she was eighteen. Kendrick came in to check out who was visiting but he didn’t stay long. Coffee and grown-up talk didn’t interest him.
Once the kids had satisfied their curiosity, Jeremiah turned to me. “So, you look like you’re dressed to impress. What’s up?”
“Well, Josie has asked me to take her out on practice dates. She missed out on all of that growing up and in her marriage. She’s never been to a movie theater or bowling or skating or a regular mall. She wants to get the average dating experience and I guess she feels like I’m safe. I agreed to be her ‘date’ so she can get used to it all.” I spoke as if this was a logical thing. Jeremiah and Audrey, however, looked at me as if I’d grown two heads.
“And you don’t see how this practice dating could maybe skew perceptions, mess with hearts and feelings?” Audrey cocked her head and stared at me as she waited for my answer.
Shaking my head, “No, it’s just practice. I find Josie extremely attractive, and I wish I could make something more with her. But I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to her; I’d never be able to give her all of my heart, it belongs to Izzy and always will. But, as her friend, I can help her with things like this. It’s just some casual dates. I mean, heck, I live with the girl; I don’t think some dinners or movies are going to be a problem.”
Jeremiah, rolled his eyes and shook his head. “So, you’re going to get her all ready for some real dates? Then what? Stand by and watch as some other guy comes in and sweeps her off her feet?”
“Fuck off, man. You sound just like Izzy.” Two heads snapped to attention and looked at me expectantly. I sighed deeply, not wanting to tell this part, but having no choice now. “Shit, I didn’t mean to say that. I’ve been hearing Izzy a lot lately and she pretty much said the exact same thing you just said.” I hung my head, feeling psycho admitting I was hearing the voice of my dead wife.
Audrey excused herself to check on
the kids. Jeremiah just shook his head as we finished our coffee. “Well, Izzy and I were always the smartest of our little trio, that’s for sure. I think you’re setting yourself up for trouble here, man, but I’m not going to tell you how to live your life.”
I bristled. “What should I have done? Told her, ‘No, I don’t want to spend time with you, not even on practice dates?’ She already thinks so low of herself because of that ass-wipe, Wayne, I couldn’t refuse her.”
Jeremiah smirked, “No, I don’t think you should have refused her. I think you should admit your feelings to yourself, accept that your wife is gone and would be FINE with you dating Josie, and take that girl on some REAL dates. But, again, I won’t tell you how to live your life. Although, when this backfires in your face, you’re definitely going to hear a big ‘I fucking told you so’ from me.” He clapped me on the back and laughed as I flipped him off.
Climbing on my bike, I felt irritated. Damn it. I’d come over here to chill out but now I was pissed. I could take my best friend on dates without it being romantic. She knew where I stood about things between us. Didn’t she? I probably needed to cut out the kissing if I was going to keep the lines between us strictly friendship. But, a few dates weren’t going to hurt anything. I couldn’t give her all she deserved, but I could at least give her this.
I found myself outside a little market. Dismounting my bike I walked into the place. Absentmindedly, I purchased a bouquet of flowers, a card, and a small chocolate cake. Putting the items in the small pouch on my bike, I headed back to the house. But, I saw I still had an hour before I needed to “pick up” my date, so I drove to the park. I sat on the bridge and watched a couple ducks brave the cold water and let my mind wander.
Josie
“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” ~Alexander Graham Bell
I heard the knock on the door as I emerged from the bathtub. I knew it couldn’t be Kyle because he said he wouldn’t be back until date time. Was I stupid for being excited about this date? Yes, yes I was.
I wanted more with Kyle. I knew he couldn’t or wouldn’t give me more at this point. So, my plan was two-fold. The first part was to get some real-life dating experience with a safe, attractive, friend. The second part was getting to spend time with him without it being awkward. If he thought he was just playing a part in helping me, maybe he wouldn’t over-analyze things between us and would just let us enjoy our time together. This was a great plan in theory. However, my heart knew that it could backfire terribly.
All of this ran through my head as I headed to the door. Why were my three best girlfriends standing on my front porch? I opened the door with a questioning look? “Hey ladies. Can I help you?” Audrey rolled her eyes and pushed past me.
Libby and Carly looked sort of apologetic, but they walked past me as well. I got the distinct feeling they were here to witness an ass chewing. We sat down in the living room, and I waited, not knowing what was going to happen.
“What the hell are you thinking, Josie Decker?” This from Audrey. She continued, “I just left my house after calling in my reinforcements here. Did you know Kyle’s over at my house talking to Jeremiah? He’s all dressed up, pierced up, tatted up, bleached up, and styled up. Do you know why? He’s got a date. Oh, but that’s right, you already knew he had a date, didn’t you?!”
When I didn’t respond, because I wasn’t sure if this was a rhetorical question or not, she powered on. “It was bad enough when you bought a house with the man. But now you’re going to ‘pretend date’ him?! This isn’t a good thing, Josie. If he weren’t so fucked up, I would be cheering you on. And, honestly, I think dating you would be truly good for him. But, he’s so damn stubborn, I worry he’ll never let go of the notion that he can’t love you the way you deserve and, in the end, you’re going to end up being hurt.”
She stopped and looked at Libby and Carly for their input. Libby spoke first. “Josie, we love you, and we want you happy. I think you and Kyle are meant to be together, but I don’t know when or if he’ll ever admit that to himself, let alone admit it to you. I just don’t want to see you fall harder for him than you already have and then have a broken heart to deal with along with all the other junk you’re still dealing with.”
“He loves you, I can see it in his eyes.” Carly spoke softly, everything about Carly was soft. “But that love makes him feel so guilty. I think one day he may finally let go of the guilt and start to live again, but until then…..well, I just worry that you’ll be collateral damage as he fights the guilt.” She looked at me sadly.
“Girls, I get what you’re saying. I can’t and won’t try to compete with Izzy. I know he loved her with his whole heart. But, I’m living with a man who is my best friend, and I’m falling in love with him a little bit more each day. I don’t know when I started to love him, but I do. I know this practice dating can’t go anywhere and there’s a very real risk of it backfiring in my face. I’m not trying to trick him; I really do want the real dating experience. I just don’t want to actually date any real guys right now. I’m not ready for that. Kyle can give me the real experience and he’s off-limits and safe. I love spending time with him. This way I get to spend time with him and hopefully start loving myself a little more. Every day I’m with him I start loving Josie a little bit more because he shows me that I’m worth my own love. Please just let me do this. I’m sure I’ll be crying to you at some point and then you can say you told me so, but just let me make my own mistakes here, okay? I’ve never been allowed to make choices for myself or make mistakes. I need to do this, even if it hurts and even if it turns out bad.” I dried my tears and laughed as I realized I was still in my bath towel. “Now, I’ve got a date to get ready for. Unless you think I should meet him at the door in a towel, you all need to help me pick out clothes or head on home.”
“Oh, Lord! No, meeting him at the door in a towel is not a good idea. It’s just the first date, after all.” Libby smiled at me and Audrey laughed. Carly just blushed.
My girls helped me pick out a pair of skinny jeans, a longer tunic top, and some funky ankle boots. They waited while I dried my hair then helped me apply makeup. I knew I didn’t NEED them there to help, but it was really nice having them there to help.
I heard the roar of the Harley coming down the street and shooed them out the door. They smiled and waved at Kyle as he pulled up, and they piled into Audrey’s vehicle.
“Company?” Kyle asked me with a smirk.
“Yeah, I figured if I was going to get the real experience, I would have probably had friends help me get ready, at least for a first date.” I hoped that my explanation sounded plausible; I didn’t know how to explain they had actually been there to talk me out of this whole crazy practice dating idea.
“Well, if you’re ready, head back into the house. A good date should ring the bell.” Kyle smiled at me, that perfect, slightly lopsided grin and his brown eyes sparkled. I turned and headed into the house, trying not to smile from ear-to-ear. But I was sure I failed. Badly.
I grabbed my purse and a jacket. I forced down a giddy giggle when Kyle rang the bell. Opening the door, I imagined what this would be like if it was a true first date between us. I knew it couldn’t ever be real, but my heart begged me to just play along. My brain agreed but only on the condition that I keep my heart in check.
“Hi, Jo. You look great. Here, I brought these for you. First date impressions and all that.” He blushed as he handed me a card, flowers, and a small chocolate cake. “I thought we could have dessert back here after dinner and the movie.”
I beamed at him. “Dinner AND a movie? I get both in one night? Wow, you’re setting the bar pretty high, KJ.” I sashayed into the kitchen to put the flowers in water and the cake on the counter for later. I thought about what it would be like if his eyes followed my swaying behind as I walked away. I knew I wasn’t sexually alluring, b
ut it was fun to imagine his eyes on my ass.
In the kitchen, I put the flowers in water and read the card.
Dear Josie,
I’m not sure this is the best idea, but I can’t refuse you. I wish like hell this could be real.
But if you can be okay with just friends, I can too. I love you, Josie. I just wish it was enough of the right kind of love.
Love,
Kyle
I wasn’t sure whether to smile or cry. I felt so lucky to have this man as my best friend. Was I setting us up to lose that friendship? Was this whole thing going to end in us both hurt and not being able to turn to each other for support? I shook my head sternly at my thoughts. No. This was going to be good for me, for him, for us. As long as we both remembered it couldn’t go past just friends, we’d be fine.