by A. D. Ellis
Walking back into the living room, I found Kyle sitting on the couch. His gaze took me in as I walked toward him. I watched his eyes close slowly and his chest heave as he took in a deep breath. “God, Jo, I don’t know if I can do this.”
He walked towards me and took me in his arms. “This would be so much easier if I wanted to just fuck you and walk away. But that’s not what I want to do. My body and mind haven’t responded to a woman in this way since Izzy. Honestly, I don’t recall my body ever responding with this much longing even with her. And now I feel like a total asshole admitting that. In a perfect world, Jo, I’d romance you and love you and make you mine. But, this isn’t a perfect world, this is real life and I’m fucked up missing my dead wife. I’m trying so hard to do the right thing here. I could pretend with you but then I’d feel guilty and you’d know that you wouldn’t ever have my complete love. Do you hate me for what I’m saying?” He touched the side of my face and I leaned my cheek into his hand.
“No, Kyle, I don’t hate you. I understand. I wish so badly that this was that perfect world you’re talking about, but I know, maybe better than most, we don’t live in a perfect world. I want your love, but I understand why you can’t give it to me. I’ve accepted our friendship. I want more, but I’ve accepted what we’ve got because it’s better than nothing. I need you in my life, however I can get you.” His eyes looked sad as I spoke to him; I knew my words hurt him like they hurt me. We’d just have to be ok with what we had.
He leaned down and pressed his forehead against mine; his breathing increasing and his voice whispered in my ear, “Jo, if for one night, I could just forget it all, I’d take you in my arms and love on you until sunrise. My lips want to taste you. I want to feel your touch. I long to feel you wrapped around me. God, I hurt with wanting you.” He stopped speaking, as if he was too overcome to continue.
“Kyle, let’s just go enjoy our dinner and movie. We’ve got to stop putting ourselves in these positions. Friends, right?” I faked a smile and pushed down the tears. My body felt tingly all over; I didn’t know mere words could affect me the way his words had. My heart was beating quickly and between my legs felt damp. God, if only we could have that one night.
**********
We pulled up to the little Italian restaurant about 15 minutes later. I’d requested Italian tonight and authentic Mexican on the next date. The movie we were going to watch was starting in two hours so we had plenty of time for dinner.
I was embarrassed to admit to Kyle that I’d never been to a restaurant like this. The establishments my parents and Wayne took me to were upper-echelon. I’d never even been allowed to order for myself. Kyle smiled and winked at me, “Well then, Jo, how about you order for yourself and for me? That way you can sample mine and I can sample yours.” The man was perfection. Unattainable perfection.
We enjoyed our entrees. I had picked fettuccine alfredo for myself and chicken parmesan for him. Sharing the entrees was a perfect idea, and we still had plenty to take home. Turning down dessert, Kyle ordered us one glass of wine to share. “Sorry, Jo, but I’m afraid to drink around you. I’ve got to keep my wits about me so I can stay in gentleman mode.” He laughed as he spoke, and I knew he was sort of kidding; I didn’t fear him ever being less than gentlemanly with me. But I understood where he was coming from. I knew, if I were to drink too much, I’d lose all inhibitions and throw myself at him; to hell with the consequences.
I’d never laughed as hard as I did during the movie we went to watch. I had really wanted to watch the romantic comedy that was playing, but thought that the straight-up comedy was maybe safer for just friends on a practice first date. Tears streamed down my face as I laughed at a particularly funny scene; I caught Kyle looking at me, his smile very real, but the hurt in his eyes very real too. He pulled my close to him and kissed my head. “You having fun, Jo-Jo?” When I nodded into his side, he released me, “Good.”
As we left the theater I asked him, “Why did you look so sad when I was laughing at that movie?” Regret flashed in his eyes as he turned to me.
“I was just reminded of all you’ve missed out on. I’m glad I get to be here for you as you experience all of these firsts, but I wish I could really and truly be with you. I am just feeling sad that Izzy was taken from me and you’re sort of being taken from me as well.”
When I looked at him questioningly he replied in explanation, “Someday a guy will come along and provide you with all of these experiences for real. And I’ll lose you then, even though I never really had you.”
I smiled at him sadly and whispered, “You do have me. You just have to be willing to keep me.” Disheartened, we left it at that and headed home.
**********
Later, sitting on the couch with our little chocolate cake, Kyle brought up the tattoo I’d watched that day. “So, two things I noticed today. One, Julie’s story really got to you. It made you think. In fact, I bet you’re still thinking about it, aren’t you?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I am. It was a hauntingly beautiful story. So real, so many different ways it could have turned out. The exhaustion from fighting the depression was so evident in her voice. Julie’s experience made me think that there are a lot of people who could benefit from just telling their story and hearing others tell their stories. Everyone has a story. But, when you hear the stories of others, sometimes your own doesn’t seem so deep or terrible or scary. I’ve been thinking that I may ask Libby about how to set up a group at The Center so that people who just need to talk can come talk.” I hadn’t even planned the idea out in my mind, but it spilled out when he asked me about it. I looked at him to gauge his reaction.
“You’re right, Jose. Talking about things is pretty darn good therapy. I think you’ve got a good idea. I bet Libby would be thrilled to let you use a room at The Center once a week or something like that. You might ask Audrey to put you in touch with her therapist, Dr. Xander. I know Audrey, Nate, Jeremiah, and Carly have all benefitted from his practice. Hell, if Jeremiah has his way, I’ll be seeing Dr. Xander sooner rather than later. You need to be prepared for those people who come to tell their stories and need more help than just talking can offer.” I felt my heart soar, Kyle got it; he got me. He already believed in my idea.
“So, what was your other observation today?” I really wasn’t sure where this conversation was heading.
“Well, you looked at me with that pretty little smirk when I had Julie pull her pants down. What was going on in that mind of yours?” Kyle was teasing, but I knew he also wanted to know what I’d been thinking. I bought some time by taking a big bite of chocolate cake. I watched as he hungrily stared at my mouth as I finished the bite and licked the chocolate off my lips. How did I end up in a situation with a man who turned me on like never before, who looked at me like he wanted to eat me alive, but nothing could happen?
Shaking my head to bring myself back to his question, I carefully considered my words. He watched me as I pieced my thoughts together; he looked slightly amused, as if he knew part of what I had been thinking was going to be embarrassing. Settling into the couch, he raised his eyebrows and continued to wait.
“Wellllll, the first thing that went through my mind was, ‘I wonder how many private parts he’s seen while tattooing’.” I stopped there and hoped that he’d snag onto that thought and forget the rest.
Throwing his head back, he laughed; a deep, real, actual laugh. “Ahh, Jo, you kill me. Well, yes, I’ve seen A LOT of ‘private parts’ in my career. Some just because they are near the tattoo location, but I get them covered as quickly as possible. Some I’ve seen because the client wanted the tattoo ON the private part.” He kept chuckling, “You’ll have to set aside some time one day for me to tell you some of my best stories about those private parts.”
“Does seeing those things ever turn you on?” I had wondered today, as Julie took her pants down, if he had felt an attraction to her.
He cocked his head to the side for a moment. “Th
e human body can be a beautiful thing and I think it’s natural to be attracted to it. I can appreciate the swell of a breast, the curve of a hip, the hint of a scrap of lace covering the most secret of places. Hell, I can even see the beauty in the strong lines on a man’s body. But attracted to the point of thinking about acting on it? Never. Not with a client. Not yet anyway.” The way his eyes caught fire I knew he was thinking about me having my shirt off so that he could do the piece on my back. To diffuse the sexual tension, I began to gather up our plate and forks but his hand stopped me.
“Nope, hold up. You had something else going on in that mind of yours today. What was it?” Dang it. I had been so close to avoiding this portion of the conversation. I couldn’t lie to him. One, I wasn’t good at lying and two, he would know I wasn’t telling him the truth. He always knew.
“Fine. I was letting my imagination run away. I thought about picking a tattoo for my hip bone so that I’d have to take my pants down for you the same way she did. I wanted you hovering over my body to put ink on me the way you hovered over hers.” Stopping to look at him, I bit my lip, knowing that my imagined thoughts were turning him on. “I’m sorry, Kyle, I don’t mean to make this harder on you. I’ve never had someone be attracted to me. I’ve never flirted. I don’t know what I’m doing; I don’t want to make it awkward for you. But the things your eyes and your casual touches do to my body are brand-new to me.”
He shut his eyes, swallowed deeply, and took a cleansing breath. I could almost see him counting in his head to calm his heartbeat down. I watched his jaw clench. After about 30 seconds he let out a deep breath and opened his eyes. “I’ll put a tattoo on any part of your beautiful body at any time, Jo. Just name the time and place. I know I can’t give you what you need and deserve, but I’d never turn down the chance to touch you, hover over you, and mark you as mine. Knowing that my design, my ink, is on you, in you, that’s one of the sexiest things I think I’ve ever thought about. Now, before this conversation gets more dangerous than it already is, let’s clean this up.” He bolted off the couch, and I watched him wince and adjust himself before he picked up the cake plates and forks.
I walked behind him into the kitchen. My arms had a mind of their own as they snaked around his waist. “Ky, I don’t ever plan on taking Izzy’s place. I know I can’t compete with her. She was gorgeous and so perfect for you. But there are times when I really wish you’d just give me that one night you spoke of earlier, just so I could experience it one time. My body feels so alive when I’m around you. When you’re near or you touch me or you even speak words like you just spoke, my body feels things it never felt with Wayne. Sex with him was painful and never fulfilling; I know it would never be that way with you and sometimes I wish we could just push pause on real-life and indulge in our fantasy for one night. I want that. I want you.” I shuddered against the tears which threatened to fall as I leaned into his back.
In the blink of an eye, he spun me around and lifted me to the counter. “God, Jo, you can’t say things like that to me. It makes me want things I can’t want, can’t have. The problem with that one night scenario is that I wouldn’t want to stop at one night. I’d want you in my bed night after night after night. But with every night, you’d wonder who I was thinking of, who was better, who I pictured under me. You’re my best friend, I live with you, I love you, I need you. Do I want more? Yes. But I can’t risk losing you.” His eyes sparkled with tears and I wiped them away with my thumbs. “I can’t lose you, Jo.”
“You aren’t losing me. I’m not going anywhere. I know we can’t have our one night. But you CAN kiss me. Even friends can kiss, right?” I watched as he shut his eyes tight, fighting against what he thought was right and what he wanted. I felt guilty, I didn’t mean to put him in this situation.
“I’m sorry, Ky. I didn’t mean to put you in a bad spot. I shouldn’t have said all of that to you. You’re worried about not being fair to me, but I’m not being fair to you either. We should call it a night….” Before I could finish my sentence, his hand wrapped around the back of my neck and pulled my mouth towards his. His lips crushed mine, his tongue immediately hot and urgent against my mouth. I moaned as his tongue found mine and slowed to a sensual assault. I slowly moved my hands up his arms and pulled him closer to me. Of their own accord, my legs parted and made room for him to step between them. In an instant I felt my ass being pulled and my center came into contact with him; hot and hard against me, I didn’t know what to do with the electric heat coursing through me.
“Jo, baby…..” his voice was anguished as he spoke against my mouth. I pressed myself against him in response and we both groaned. “I can’t. Jo, we can’t. Please know how much this kills me.” With one last kiss, he moved slightly away from me and helped me off the counter.
As we both stood and caught our breath, crazy thoughts were floating through my mind. Thoughts I had no business thinking. Thoughts I knew would cause my friends to flip-the-fuck-out. But the thoughts were there. Before I acted on these thoughts which may be the death of me, I changed the subject completely.
“Kyle, I made something for you. I hadn’t planned on giving it to you yet. But, in order to get our minds off of whatever that just was, I think now is the perfect time to give it to you. Can you come up to my studio?” I turned and walked away from the man who had just set my body on fire with a kiss. A kiss that shouldn’t have happened. A man I couldn’t have. Not in that way. Right?
Kyle
“The loss of love is not nearly as painful as our resistance to accepting it is.” ~Tigress Luv
Fuck my life. What the hell was I doing? I loved Izzy. I never would have left her. I never would have stopped loving her. But she was taken away from me. I vowed to never stop loving her. I couldn’t love anyone the way I loved Izzy. Right?
I watched Josie walk away from me and I knew I should be struck down with lightning for the thoughts I was having about her. Sex with Izzy had been beautiful but my body had never been on fire for Izzy the way it was for Josie. It was probably just because I’d been without sex for such a long time and my body craved what it hadn’t had. At least I tried to convince myself of that.
“Izzy-bel, please forgive me for the thoughts I’m having. I’m attracted to her, and I love her like a friend but that doesn’t mean I will ever stop loving you. You’re my only true love.” My whispered words sounded strangled out of my mouth as I started to follow Josie to her studio.
My heart almost stopped beating when I heard her words. Punk Boy, you were never this stupid when I knew you. I’m not a fucking priest and this isn’t a fucking confessional, stop asking for forgiveness. I know you loved me, and you’ll always love me; that doesn’t mean you can’t love her too. I want you to be happy, Kyle. Just be happy. Stop being so fucking stubborn and just love her.
I dropped to the nearest stair and just sat there, tears running down my face. “I can’t love her. I just can’t. I can’t let you go. I’m afraid to let you go.”
I’m already gone, baby. I can’t come back. You can’t bring me back. Love her, and let her love you.
“I’m not ready, Iz, I’m just not ready. Give me time.” My stomach revolted at what I had just said. Was I telling Izzy that I would eventually let myself love Josie? I pushed the thought to the back of my mind.
Get up there and see what she has for you. It’s gorgeous. I love it, and I know you will too.
I stood and walked the rest of the way up the stairs. These conversations with Izzy were getting to be too much. Maybe I should make an appointment with Dr. Xander soon. Whether I was hearing voices, hallucinating, or imagining it all, I needed someone to help me.
**********
Walking first to my own studio, I popped in to turn on some music. I needed the noise to drown out the words Izzy and I had just spoken. I crossed the hall and entered Josie’s studio. Right as I walked in, Poison’s “Talk Dirty to Me” started blaring from the speakers in my studio. Not thinking, just wanting
to escape, I grabbed Josie and began twirling her around and singing to her. I startled her at first, and she screamed. But, realizing what I was doing, she relaxed and joined in my playfulness.
We each picked up our pretend microphones and sang the song to each other. Josie played a mean air guitar on the guitar solo. I about lost it when she grabbed her desk chair and pushed me down into it. She backed away from me as if she was attempting to look sexy, but her grin gave her away and she busted out laughing. I assumed a frown and pretended to be demanding a proper lap dance. This girl had more than likely never seen anything close to a real lap dance, not even in a movie, but what she lacked in experience, she made up for in creativity. Twirling around she bent down so that her perfect little ass was in view and began to wiggle it to the beat of the music. She spun around to face me and dropped to her knees; she crawled toward me, again trying to be serious, but fighting laughter the whole way. Once she reached me, the song was almost over and she whispered, “Talk dirty to me” in my ear. Then she fell over on the floor laughing. I cracked up and joined her on the floor.
“Thanks, Jo-Jo, I totally needed that.” We lay on the floor for quite some time. Just replaying our day, our conversations, and the crazy dancing/singing performance we’d just put on. Finally, Jo grabbed my hand and pulled me up.
“Come on, I really want to show you what I made for you. I hope you’re not mad. I had Jeremiah get me copies of some things, and I used a couple things from your phone. The rest I sort of had to use my imagination with. This isn’t meant to make you sad, it’s just my way of showing you how sorry I am for what you lost.” My heart started pounding as she spoke, afraid of what she was going to show me. I wanted to keep my guard up, I didn’t want her to show me something that was going to make me break down. I started to feel defensive and angry.