by A. D. Ellis
Josie, just listen to me. Go get the blanket, buy it, and take it home. It’s big enough to use as a lap blanket if you want. Or put it away in a closet and forget about it. I can’t explain why I want you to buy that baby blanket, but I really need you to get it.
Shaking my head, wondering how I’d explain the purchase if the girls saw it or Kyle noticed me come home with it. I grabbed the multicolored baby blanket and headed to check out. Once I had my purchases safely in a big bag, I whispered, “There, Izzy, happy now?” and headed to find my friends.
Yes. Thank you Josie. That blanket will mean a lot one day. Hey, be super patient with Kyle tonight; he’s having a rough day with Dr. Xander.
I immediately felt my heart begin to pound at the mention of Kyle. Finding my friends and seeing they were almost ready to checkout as well, I felt relief. I’d head home soon and Kyle and I could spend some time together. I wondered what talking with Dr. Xander had stirred up.
Kyle
“If you bury the pain deep down it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, experience it, and deal with it head-on, you’ll find it begins to move on after a while.” ~Greg Behrendt
It’s not that I didn’t like Dr. Xander; he seemed like a very knowledgeable and caring man. I simply didn’t like the emotions he was messing with. I had carefully guarded my heart since Izzy died; I knew how to keep the feelings away. I let little bits of happy mix in with the sad, but overall I kept them all locked away. The guilt was too much, the sad was overwhelming, the happy memories led to sadness; it was easier to just keep it locked away.
But, Dr. Xander said I needed to feel; he said the numb heart I was trying to function with would eventually be the death of me, both literally and figuratively.
On the way to see the doctor, Izzy had bombarded me as I drove my motorcycle through the streets of Torey Hope.
Kyle, I’m not going to stop bothering you about this. I can’t explain it, this is just something I have to do; I need to see you happy. I want you to know that I love Josie and I love you with her; it’s a little strange I’m sure to have your dead wife supporting you in moving on with a new woman, but I’ve watched the hurt in your eyes for too long, Kyle. I need to see you smiling and happy; you have so much to offer to Josie and your friends. Please, stop fighting this you stubborn ass and just admit that you love her.
“Damn it, Izzy-bel, it’s not that easy!” I revved the engine of my Harley and took a turn a bit too sharply in my frustration with her, with this voice in my head.
Yes, it IS that easy, Kyle! I’m dead; there’s nothing we can do about that. Believe me, if there were a way to change that, I would do it in a heartbeat. I’d come back to you and we’d love Addyson Rose for the rest of our lives. But, we can’t, I can’t. So, instead of sulking about it, I’m here to be sure you’re happy. You were my best friend from the day we met, I can’t leave knowing my best friend isn’t happy.
“So, what, once I’m with her, you’ll leave for good?” I wasn’t sure if that was something I wanted or feared.
Ah-ha! See, you’re not denying you want to be with her! I knew it! Gotcha! I can give you a little more time, but I don’t know how long I have. I don’t know if I’ll be able to come back. That’s why I need to know you’re happy before I’m gone. I want to think I could talk to you whenever I want, but I don’t have an answer to that. Now, would you PLEASE just admit that you love Josie and stop being stupid about it?
“I’ve got to go now, Iz. I have an appointment.” I felt a little bad ignoring her and walking away, but she was really getting to me. I didn’t want to admit my feelings; I wanted to hide and keep the pain at bay. If I admitted things, the pain and the tough situations were going to arise.
**********
“Kyle, when was the last time you laughed?” His piercing eyes watched me carefully, gauging my reaction.
“Josie and I watched a movie just recently. It was her first time watching a movie in a theater. I hadn’t seen a comedy in quite a while. I laughed a lot.” I recalled watching Josie laugh during that movie and my gut clenched.
“Close your eyes, please.” When I rolled my eyes and hesitated, Dr. X just waited patiently. “Ok, picture the last time you were happy. Tell me about it.” He gave me a direction and then just waited.
My mind filled with images of being happy. I tried to sort them all out, but they were floating around; too jumbled, too intertwined. “My wedding day. Grabbing coffee with Josie. The day we found ‘the’ house we’d been searching for. The day Josie and I set up her studio. When Josie and I decorated my shop. Dancing with Josie at the house the other night. Walking up the steps to take Josie on our first date. I don’t know Doc, there are a lot of happy times running through my mind.” I sighed and leaned back into the couch cushion.
“Kyle, which parent do you love more? Your mom or your dad?” His question caught me completely off-guard.
“I don’t love one more than the other. They are both very special to me. They are different, but I could never pick one over another.” I spoke in a way that I hoped showed him how ridiculous his question was. I couldn’t tell what he thought because he just wrote on his little notepad.
Nodding his head as he finished writing he spoke again, “Name your favorite teacher in school, stick to grades Kindergarten to third.” Confused by his line of questioning, I switched gears and named Mrs. Price, my first grade teacher. I had loved that woman. She was strict but fair and always let us have fun while learning.
“Ok, same question, but this time fourth grade through eighth grade.” He just kept writing as he made his inquiry.
“Easy, fourth grade, Mr. Ramey. That man was wonderful. He was funny, but we learned a lot too.” I still didn’t see where these questions were going, but thinking about some of my favorite people was nice so I just let him do his thing.
“Ok, what about in high school?” He tapped his pen on his notepad momentarily while he waited again for me to answer.
“Well, I guess I’d have to say Mrs. Ready. She made English and Literature fun, even while reading those terribly long poems which made no sense until she explained them.” I hadn’t been the greatest student in high school, but Mrs. Ready had gotten me through four years of Language Arts, and I was grateful for that.
“Okay, Kyle, I just have a few more questions. Did you have pets growing up?”
Man, the guy switched topics like someone with ADHD. Did he do this to all of his patients? I was starting to get a little annoyed with it to tell the truth.
“Um, pets? Yeah, sure. We had this great dog. His name was Duke. I loved that dog. He got sick and had to be put down. We got another dog, Molly. She was my best friend through high school. Doc, I don’t mean to be rude, but where are all of these questions going?” I was anxious to get out of the office but I knew we still had about 30 minutes in the appointment.
“Kyle, I need you to think about your answers to the questions I asked you. You’ve already told me you don’t love one parent more than the other. What about those teachers; could you pick one over another?” He cocked his head to the side and gave me time to think.
“I don’t think I could. I loved them all for different reasons, they were all very different people, and I learned something from each of them. I don’t think I could pick.” I wasn’t sure if he was looking for a right or wrong answer, so I just answered as honestly as I could.
“Good, good. What about Duke and Molly? Which dog was better?” His eyes held an intensity that I didn’t understand, almost as if he was making a point, but I hadn’t picked up on it yet.
“Doc, I couldn’t pick one dog over the other. They were both perfect dogs. Completely different, but completely perfect. Duke was a small black dog and liked to take walks and play ball. Molly was bigger, completely white, and loved to run with me. I’d love to have them both back, they were truly my best friends during the time we had them.” Maybe I should look into getting a dog again; I really
did miss having one.
“So, Kyle, what I’m hearing you say is that you’re able to love more than just one thing at a time, is that correct?” He didn’t wait for me to answer, he just went on speaking, leaving me to think about what he’d said. “Something I need you to hear and understand and accept is that the human heart is capable of loving in many different ways. It can love various people, pets, places, cars, foods, etc. I bet you could easily list at least one hundred people or foods or places you love. That’s because the heart can handle loving more than just one thing at a time.”
I rolled my eyes and sighed deeply. “Okay, Doc, you got me. I sure didn’t see where you were going with all of those questions. I get it now. You’re saying I could love Josie even though I loved Izzy more than life itself. Right? Okay, let’s say I agree with you on that one. How do I let go of the guilt and the feeling like I’m leaving Izzy behind if I move on with Josie?”
“Well, that guilt isn’t coming from Izzy or anyone else in your life. I know your friends here in Torey Hope. None of them are judging or laying on the guilt. I’m sure your parents and Izzy’s parents just want you to be happy. You didn’t leave Izzy, you didn’t cause her death. A bad thing happened and you dealt with it; you’ll deal with it the rest of your life. But those words ‘the rest of your life’ are key. You still have a long life ahead of you; you need to live it the way Izzy would have wanted you to live it. From what you’ve told me about the dear girl, I’m guessing she would want you happy, right? She’s gone, Kyle. She’s not coming back. She can’t make you feel guilty. It’s ok to move on. You two shared a love that won’t soon be forgotten. Just like the heart, the human mind can handle a lot. You can keep your memories and love in your heart and in your mind while still building new memories and letting in new loves. Do it slowly; work at your own pace. But let the guilt go. You have no reason to feel guilty.” His eyes and words were sincere. How many people had told me these same things over the past few months? Why did hearing the words from a man with the word Doctor in front of his name make it easier to accept?
“Our time is up for today. I’ll see you next week. Be kind to yourself. My last thought for today? When I asked about laughter and happiness, did you notice a theme?” He waited for a moment, but when I didn’t offer an answer he continued. “I can tell by your face that you know what theme I’m talking about. Since you don’t seem to want to admit it, I’ll share it with you. Josie. Josie was the theme in your answers about being happy and laughing. Sure, you mentioned your wedding day, but other than that you focused on Josie. I’ve not met her, but this girl seems to be good for you. You face lit up when you spoke about her. Spend time with Josie this week. Let yourself be happy; be happy together.” He stood and waited for me by the door. “That’s your assignment for this week, Kyle. Don’t overthink things, just be happy.” He shook my hand, and I walked out of his office.
My head was swimming.
Having a medical professional tell me that it was okay to move along was more freeing than I had anticipated. I think I had sort of hoped he would tell me that hanging onto the numbness and not moving on was exactly what I needed. It would have been easier and less painful. But, I guess I knew in my heart that he was going to say what everyone had been telling me for months; it was ok to move along. I didn’t have to forget Izzy; I would never forget her. But, loving Josie didn’t mean I had never loved Izzy; it didn’t mean I’d ever stop loving Izzy. It just meant that I was capable of loving more than one person. My heart fluttered with the thought of loving Josie; of admitting to myself and her that I could love her. But, I’d been telling her for a long time that I could never give her my whole heart; how would I convince her otherwise?
I checked my watch, I had about 10 minutes before I was meeting up with the guys. I laughed at the term ‘the guys’ because it would be the grandpas, the dads, and the little boys; we were quite the group. Luckily today was fairly warm for the season, and the guys had decided to meet at the park so the kids could play.
I parked my motorcycle and stowed my helmet. Walking towards my friends I watched them play football with their sons. From the oldest man down to the youngest boy, the joy on their faces was contagious and I couldn’t help but smile. I wanted that, I wanted to play with my child. A fleeting image of a little girl all dolled up in a dress and Converse flitted through my mind, but then it was replaced with an image of a little boy; rough and tough and tumble, my little boy would fit in perfectly with the guys. I stopped short; in a heartbreaking moment I remembered that Josie couldn’t have children. Would I be able to live life with her without filling our home with our children? Would she be open to adoption? I pictured her in my mind; no matter what, I could love her. We would figure out our family situation later.
“Hey, Martin! Glad you made it. Come on over, let’s show these guys how we used to play.” Jeremiah spoke to me, and I smiled at the memories of the two of us playing high school football. We had four great years together on the team; neither of us had planned on taking it further than high school, but we’d been pretty good.
After a good half hour of play, the littlest boys were wearing down. Nate suggested they go rest on the playground swings. Beckett went with them to keep an eye on them and push their swings if needed.
The rest of us ambled toward the picnic area. Breaking out bottles of water, we sat and caught our breath for a moment. “Did you go see Dr. Xander today, Kyle?” Nicky never held back what he was thinking; I appreciated that in the man.
“Yeah, I did. Jeremiah, you and Audrey were right; he’s good.” I smirked at Jeremiah’s look; it was as if his face was saying ‘you doubted me?’
“So, did he tell you it’s ok to love Josie?” Nicky looked at me expectantly. I saw Nate smile and shake his head at his brother’s question, but I also saw all the men were waiting to see what my answer was.
“Actually, yeah, he did. I know you all have been telling me the same thing, but for some reason hearing it from him made it easier to take.” I shook my head, I still couldn’t believe how much better I felt after talking to the doctor.
“So are you going to marry Josie now?” Nicky always wanted people married and having babies. I hated to disappoint him.
“Well, Nicky, I’m thinking marrying Josie may be jumping the gun a little bit. I think I’d like to date her. Listen, man, I know you always want people to have babies after they get married, but I need you to not mention that to Josie. She can’t have babies and it makes her sad; can you be sure not to mention having babies around her?” I hoped to save Josie the pain of explaining her situation to Nicky.
“That makes me sad; I know how much fun babies can be. But you can still try to make babies after you’re married, right? Because trying to make the baby is just as much fun, actually probably MORE fun, than the baby itself.” We all laughed at Nicky. Beckett arrived about that time.
“What’s so funny? Never mind, your cheeks are red, it must be something I’m not supposed to hear about yet. Dad, one day you’re going to have to tell me about the red cheek talks. I’m not getting any younger, you know?” Beckett spoke to his dad and Jeremiah’s cheeks flushed a little more.
“Yeah, Beck, we probably should have a sit down discussion sometime soon.” Beckett was happy with that answer.
He turned to me, “Kyle, did Dr. Xander tell you it’s ok to love Josie?” Everyone around me snickered; I guess they all knew my feelings for her before I was ready to admit them.
“Yeah, Beck, he did. Seriously though, guys, I’m a little worried. Now that I’ve accepted it’s ok to move along and that I can love her without forgetting about Izzy, I’m afraid that I’ve told her too many times that I’d never be able to give her my whole heart, and she won’t ever believe that I can love her completely.” Why had I pushed her away so much; now I was going to pay for it, would she ever believe that I loved her? Her parents didn’t love her, her husband didn’t love her; hell, I didn’t think she even knew how to love h
erself. I kept telling her I’d never be able to love her but now I wanted her to accept my love? Fuck, I hoped I hadn’t messed this up too much. And, how exactly was I supposed to go about this now? Just walk in the front door and tell her I loved her now?
“Well, you definitely need to show her that you love her. Probably take it pretty slowly at first; don’t make it seem like it’s just about the ssss….um, make her know it’s about her, nothing else.” The men laughed and Beckett looked confused as his dad spoke to me. “Audrey had a really hard time accepting that I could love her, she thought she had ruined things with her past. I had to show her that I loved her for her and nothing else.”
“Take her out on real dates. No more of this practice date crap.” I smiled ruefully at Jack Jordan as he spoke.
By the time we finished shootin’ the shit, the boys were getting restless with the playground and were ready to walk to the Captain’s house. I excused myself from the group, saying I had some things to do at home. I don’t think I fooled anyone, but they were all nice enough to not give me any grief; they all knew as much as I did that I just wanted to get home to spend time with Josie.
Josie
“Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?” ~Leo Buscaglia
As I walked into the house, I heard my cell phone ringing. Grabbing it, secretly hoping it was Kyle, I breathlessly said hello.
“Hi, is this Josie?” A male voice I didn’t recognize inquired of me.
“This is Josie,” I replied hesitantly.
“Hi, I’m Eric, I work at the school with Nate Morgan. I think his wife is your cousin. Anyway, I know this is a little crazy since we’ve never met, but I was wondering if you’d be up to a coffee date sometime. It wouldn’t have to be an actual date, I’ve just seen you around town and I’m fairly new to Torey Hope, so I thought maybe we could get to know each other. If you want to talk to Nate first, get the lowdown on me, that’s okay.” Eric sounded nice and I could tell he was nervous asking me to get coffee with him. Having no experience with this type of thing, I took the out he graciously provided.