by A. D. Ellis
Don’t you dare make this girl feel bad for what she’s made for you. It’s beautiful and you need to say thank you.
My heart skipped a beat and I whipped my head around, half expecting to see Izzy in the doorway; that’s how close her voice sounded.
Josie pulled an 8x10 canvas out from under a cloth and turned it toward me. My breath caught, my eyes stung, and my heart completely stopped. She had painted my wife, my Izzy and she had captured her perfectly. I tried to speak, “Jo, it’s…I’m…” but I couldn’t get the words out. I took a deep breath and gathered myself. “Thank you, Jo, it’s perfect and beautiful.”
I thought we were done, but she pulled me over to the desk and had me sit down. “This one may be a little harder, but I hope one day it’s something you can cherish without feeling too sad.” She handed me a little, pink, bound book; a scrapbook. I opened the pages and saw she had made me a scrapbook of Izzy and our baby. Pink. She had made it pink; for the daughter I pictured we would have had. Each page had a picture of Izzy-bel with decorations like booties, rattles, bottles. There were no faces on the pictures of the babies but she had added baby feet, baby butts, baby hands in photographs. Tears streamed down my face as I gazed at each page.
“I’m sorry if this made you even more sad, Ky. I hate that you lost them; I’d give you up in a heartbeat if it meant you could have Izzy and your baby back. But, since it doesn’t work that way, I had to do something to show you how sorry I am. I hope both of these can be pieces you hold on to and cherish as the years go on. I only wish I could have put a name on the scrapbook.”
Addyson Rose
I sniffed my nose and looked around.
Addyson Rose. That’s our daughter’s name, Kyle.
Drying my eyes and clearing my throat I strangled out, “Her name is Addyson Rose. Can you add that to the book?”
Tears streamed down Josie’s face and she smiled through them. “Yeah, I can add that. It’s a beautiful name for your daughter.”
I stood up to hug her. I pulled her close to me and stroked her hair and her back. “Thank you, Josie. You’ve given me a beautiful gift and I will cherish it always.”
Taking the scrapbook and the painting, I padded downstairs to my room. I felt drained. Today had been a lot to take in. I needed to sleep and regain my balance. I felt shaken to the core.
Josie
“Don’t rush into any kind of relationship. Work on yourself. Feel yourself, experience yourself and love yourself. Do this first and you will soon attract that special loving other.” ~Russ Von Hoelsche
I climbed into bed feeling overwhelmed, sad, happy, and exhausted. The feelings were swirling around me. I pictured those wild horses again, but instead of running in a herd, I watched them break off and run in wild circles, each one going a different direction. I felt like those horses that night. I felt pulled in so many different directions. I wanted to love Kyle. I knew I couldn’t love Kyle. I wanted him to love me. I knew he couldn’t or wouldn’t love me. I wanted to help him remember his wife and baby, but making him remember also brought more sadness and that hurt me. My feelings were an absolute mess. I needed to sleep so I could regain some balance and perspective. I yawned as I fell into my pillows. Within seconds I was out.
Josie? Josie? Can you hear me?
I sat up with a jolt. Someone had spoken my name. I flicked the switch on my bedside table and looked around frantically. My breathing was erratic and I felt as if I should be screaming. It must have just been a bad dream.
Josie, this isn’t a dream. I’m Isabella, Kyle’s wife. You’ve probably heard him call me Izzy. I don’t want to scare you. You’re not going crazy. I just wanted to talk to you a bit. Please be patient with Kyle. He loves you, but he’s fighting against it so hard; he’s so damn stubborn. Give him time. You’re so perfect for him. Even more perfect than I was for him. We were friends forever and our relationship was wonderful, but your spirit challenges his. He needs you as much as you need him. Just love him and support him. I’ll work on him from my side; just please give him time, he’ll come around.
The voice stopped after that. If she’d kept talking I wouldn’t have been able to hear her because my heart and breathing were so loud in my own ears. His dead wife had just spoken to me? His dead wife was cheering us on? Hell, I was more exhausted than I even realized.
**********
The next day I had a lunch date with the girls and Kyle had an appointment with Dr. Xander, the therapist who had helped Audrey through so many of her issues. Many members of the family had seen Dr. Xander at some point or another. Kyle was pretty irritated about going, but Jeremiah kept at him until he finally just gave in and made a few appointments.
The girls and I were meeting for lunch in town then going shopping. Carly wanted to get a few new baby things; they had sold some of the bigger pieces after Zach was a little older so she was wanting to look for a few things they needed. She and Nicky were so darn cute with this new pregnancy. I didn’t begrudge them their happiness because I knew it had taken a long time for them to get pregnant. That didn’t mean that the hurt and envy in my heart didn’t eat at me just a little.
“So, you seem a little off-kilter and preoccupied, Josie. We’ve got all day, let’s hear it.” Audrey spoke in her no-nonsense way, and I was overwhelmed with all that was going on. The tears started flowing as we perused our menus.
“Shit, Josie, I didn’t mean to make you cry. Let’s figure out what we want to eat then you can tell us all about what’s going on. If I had to bet, I’d put money on a certain tattooed, pierced, heart-of-gold bad boy being somewhere among those tears.” She patted my hand and gave me a moment to regain my composure. “Let’s get the sampler platter with four choices. I’m definitely getting that dessert on page 8 too. Do you know how nice it is to look at a menu without having to help little ones decide on their food and drink? Half the time I feel like I just point to the first thing I see when the waitress comes because I’ve been too caught up in the kids deciding what they want.”
We all laughed although mine was a half-hearted one. Libby giggled and sighed, “Yeah, or what about getting the item you really want and then having the kids eat over half of it? Last time we went out to eat, Nate ended up giving over half his fries to Abby and the boys ate most of my salmon. I had a couple bites of their cheese quesadilla, but it didn’t take the place of my salmon.”
Carly smiled and added in, “Zach is notorious for ordering something then deciding he doesn’t like it even though he ate it just fine last time.”
The girls obviously loved their children, but I’d learned that moms liked to swap stories about the everyday stress of having children. My heart felt heavy as I thought about the fact that I’d never have those stresses; I’d never get to be a mommy. My tears threatened to fall as I ordered my unsweetened tea. I let Audrey order the sampler platter; I didn’t think I’d be able to speak. Once the waitress left, three pairs of eyes turned to me and I lost it.
“Sweetie, you don’t have to tell us anything, but it seems you’ve got a lot on your mind. Why don’t you talk to us; sometimes just talking about it helps.” Libby’s sympathetic eyes met mine and she gave me a slight nod of her head to encourage me.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful; I’m so thrilled with the life I’m building here. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance, and I don’t ever want to take it for granted.” I took a shuddering breath and then it all just poured out of me.
“I can’t ever have babies, my ex-husband was a complete douche-canoe asshole, he made sex unbearable, I don’t know if I’ll ever get to have good sex. I live in fear that he’s going to find me and mess up what I’m building here; I don’t know if I’ll ever love myself completely thanks to him and my parents. Kyle and I have been kissing, and I’m pretty sure I love him.” I didn’t breathe until the last word left my mouth and then I felt like I would possibly pass out. I hung my head, feeling especially sheepish about the last thing I had said. I knew
“I told you so” was coming.
But, when I looked up at my cousins and friends, I saw tears shimmering in their eyes and my heart swelled larger than I thought possible. This, this was what having family and friends was all about.
Audrey flagged down our waitress, “Ma’am, we need to add to our order and get it all to go. I’m going to order the chocolate toffee almond brownie.” Libby, Carly, and I all added our dessert order as well.
“Okay, this conversation is going to take longer than a lunch, and I don’t like people being around to overhear. We are going back to my house, Jeremiah and the kids are over at Nate’s I think so we’ll have the whole house and as long as we need. Then we can head to shop for Carly.”
Once we had our food, we made the short trip to Audrey’s house and set up a feast in her living room. Breadsticks, chips and dip, boneless wings, wontons, and desserts filled her coffee table and we settled in among cushions and pillows. I was anxious as I knew the conversation was going to revolve around me. We ate our fill and began on our desserts; I was grateful for the moments I had to gather myself before the conversation I knew was coming.
“Alright, lady, some of what you just told us is old news, some is new. Let’s start with Wayne. We all knew you had an asshole ex-husband; we didn’t know that sex was so terrible or that you’re afraid of him causing trouble. Tell us about that first.” Audrey never beat around the bush, but I liked that about her.
“Well, Wayne wasn’t into sex with me. It hurt every time. He was my first, and I always thought it would get better, but it never did. He never got very hard, which I guess was a blessing. He said that sex with me was revolting; he blamed me for him not being into it. He convinced me that the bad sex was my fault. He would only come to me for sex about once a month, but then he stopped and started bringing other women into his bedroom. It always sounded like they were having a lot of fun so that reiterated to me that the bad sex was my issue, not his. But, lately, around Kyle, I’ve felt things I’ve never felt before. My body feels alive around him. I think maybe the bad sex was Wayne’s fault; but then I remember that Kyle and I are just friends and it can’t be any more than that.” I stopped for a moment and saw that the girls were all just waiting on me to continue.
“As for being fearful of Wayne. He hit me twice; before that he was just detached, aloof, unloving, and controlling. I left him in secret. There are two restraining orders against him; one in my old town and one here in Torey Hope. I’m not sure what he’d gain from stirring up trouble here, but I’m just afraid he’s going to come mess things up for me. I knew he was an asshole but, after he hit me, I worry now that he may do worse to me and think that he can buy his way past the restraining order.”
All the women had furrowed brows and sincere looks of concern. “I know what it’s like to be fearful of someone coming after you, Josie. Do you have a picture of Wayne so that we all can be on the lookout? The guys and the grandparents need to see his picture too. I know the Sheriff; I’ll make sure he gets the picture out to all of his officers so that Wayne won’t be able to come to town unnoticed. This is just a precaution.” Carly spoke softly and I recalled the nightmare of a story she’d been through in her past. I nodded slightly to let her know that I’d get them a picture.
“Let’s take a little break and then we can finish up. I think there’s still quite a bit Josie needs to talk about.” Libby smiled gently at me as we gathered up our mess. After a restroom break, we piled back onto the couches. Three pairs of kind eyes watched me expectantly.
“When I was married to Wayne I wanted to have a child; I wanted someone to love who would love me back. He agreed I could stop taking birth control, but I never got pregnant. He rubbed it in my face that it was just one more thing I couldn’t do right and took me to the doctor to figure out what was wrong with me. They ran some tests and found out I can’t get pregnant, unless you count 1% good odds. I was devastated of course. I love being part of this family, I adore your children, it’s sometimes just hard to watch something I’ll never have.” Tears streamed down my cheeks, and the girls joined in crying with me.
“Thank you for sharing this with us, Josie. I know how hard it is; wanting a baby so badly and month after month not getting what you want. Please know that none of us ever want to come across like we’re rubbing our children or pregnancies in your face. Now that we know your situation, we can be a little more sensitive to your feelings. And, I’d like to add, someone has to be that 1%. I’ll pray that you get your baby someday.” Carly wiped her tears as she hugged me.
I was feeling a ton lighter after sharing these things with the girls. I would have happily left the rest of the conversation for another time and headed out to do our shopping. However, I could tell from the looks on their faces they weren’t going to let me forget about the rest of the words I had spoken.
“I promise we won’t say ‘I told you so,’ Josie. But you can’t tell us about kisses and falling in love and not elaborate. Would you please tell us more about what’s going on with you and Kyle?” Audrey’s voice softened, and I knew there would be no judgment from these women.
“Well, Kyle and I have found out that we have a little trouble keeping our lips off of each other. His kisses are amazing; they make me weak in the knees and my stomach flutters, and I can barely breathe. I know I affect him too, he sat me on the counter during our last kiss and he stood between my legs; I could feel how hard he was. Wayne never even got a tenth that hard; it thrilled me yet scared me too. I think it scared him too because he stopped abruptly. I know he’s fighting being attracted to me. I don’t want to make things harder on him. We’ve talked somewhat about our feelings and how we wish things were different. But, they aren’t different. He’s still in love with his dead wife and stubbornly refusing to admit he could love me as well. I feel like a complete bitch even thinking about making him choose me or her. And, now you’ll all really think I’m insane; Izzy is talking to me. She told me she’s on my side and that I just need to give him time.” I shook my head as all of it spilled out of me.
Three sets of lungs took in deep breaths as I finished. Then three pretty mouths smiled at me. Smiled? “Why are you all smiling at me?”
Audrey spoke, almost as if she couldn’t believe what she was saying, “You love him, he loves you, even if he can’t admit it yet, AND you’ve got Izzy on your side. She’s right, just give it time. Before I heard your words, I would have lamented that you were just going to get hurt. But, now that I’ve heard it all, I feel good about this. He needs to get his shit together and realize he can love you without forgetting her. I don’t usually do the whole ‘ghost’ thing but if Izzy is speaking to you and cheering you on then you know she’s speaking to him too. If his dead wife wants you together then you just need to sit back and let it happen. And when it DOES happen, it’s going to be beautiful, Josie. You two will be just beautiful together. You already are, but it’s going to be even better once he can work his shit out.”
It was my turn to take a deep breath. Okay, so my friends were probably the best in the whole world. Talking to them had helped so much. It amazed me how much just talking about something could help. Abruptly, I was reminded of Julie’s story and my plan to ask Libby about using The Center.
“Girls, thank you so very much for listening to me today. Talking about things truly helps so much. Libby, I was wondering if I could use The Center one night a week to hold a group? I want to invite people to talk about their problems. It could be open to anyone; we all deal with problems. I want to talk to Dr. Xander about being available if someone’s problems are maybe beyond just talking about them. Having others listen just helps to alleviate some of the weight on your shoulders; also, listening to others’ problems can sometimes help us realize that our own issues aren’t as serious as we thought. It will maybe take a bit to get it set up, but I wanted to know if it was feasible to use The Center before I made other plans to get it set up.” I looked at Libby expectantly and she smiled.
“That sounds like a fabulous idea and I know The Center would be a great place for it. We’ll get a schedule worked out once you have the details. This is a wonderful idea, Josie. Now, let’s going shopping!” We all laughed as we headed out the door to the car.
**********
We headed into the baby store; I felt the girls’ apprehension as we entered the door. “I’m okay, girls. It’s hard, but it’s not new. I’m happy for all of you and want to help Carly today. Just ignore my tears or melancholy.” Three shaky and sad smiles flashed my way.
Baby clothes are about the cutest things I’ve ever seen. So tiny, so perfect. I know from listening to the girls talk that baby clothes get food and poop and spit up on them and that the babies grow out of them almost faster than you can buy them. That doesn’t mean that the outfits aren’t absolutely adorable. I snuck a couple unisex outfits into my basket to buy for Carly and Nicky’s baby; they weren’t finding out the sex so I had to pick gender-neutral things.
I was walking through the section displaying what seemed to be thousands of different blankets. A multi-colored one caught my attention; I loved the different splashes of colors. It stuck out from the rest of the blankets in that section; I liked that it was unique. My hand caressed the silky softness of it and I swallowed a lump in my throat. Someday a baby would be wrapped in the blanket and clasped to a mother or father’s chest as it was rocked to sleep. It wouldn’t be MY baby, but this blanket would bring comfort to a special baby one day. Tears splashed down my cheeks as I thought of that baby. Then I thought of Addyson Rose; the baby girl lost to Kyle and Izzy. I lost it completely. I had to leave the blanket section.
Go back and buy that blanket, Josie.
I whipped my head around, looking for who had spoken to me. I knew who it was but my brain didn’t want to admit that Izzy was speaking to me again. “I can’t just buy a random baby blanket when I won’t ever need it, Izzy.”