by A. D. Ellis
“Tell you what, Jo-Jo, let’s talk. Then we can experiment with some of the great ‘not sex’ things available for us to do.” At her questioning look I chuckled, “Oh, Jose, there’s so much we can do without actually having sex; I think this is going to be a lot of fun.”
She sadly shook her head, “Ky, that sounds great, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up; I’m just no good…” I put a finger to her lips and tipped her chin up to kiss away her words.
“What did I say, Jo? No more of that. I guarantee you’ll be good at anything we do together. Your nipples are so hard I can feel them through my shirt. I’d place money that you’ll have to change your panties because they are so wet. It’s not even remotely a possibility that you won’t be good at sex or the acts leading up to it.” I kissed her again, biting at her lip, wishing like hell that we’d already had our talk so we could move on to some of the more fun stuff. But, I let her go. “Ok, let’s meet in your room in five minutes. We’ll talk. Talk first, play second.” I smiled at her blush and felt myself grow harder at the sight.
As she walked out of my studio, I ran my hands through my messy, unstyled hair. I wasn’t worried about things with Josie; I was just feeling terribly guilty about my responses to her. My body had never felt this much sexual tension around Izzy; I’d never been this hard and anxious to touch her. Making love to Izzy had been beautiful and real and perfect; but, in all honesty, it had never been breathtaking and my body was already feeling like my breath was being stolen away by Josie, and I’d barely touched her. I needed to focus on the now, the present, the girl I was moving on with. I wasn’t hurting Izzy, she wanted this for me, she wanted us to be happy. I sighed into my hands and willed my body to calm down. I needed to be able to talk to Josie, not jump her as soon as we laid on her bed. These primal urges I was feeling were beyond what I’d felt in the past. I wanted her with a hunger I’d never known. I had a feeling that what was already sizzling between Josie and me was going to be explosive once we reached that point.
I pulled a chair from the corner of my room, dragged it through the bathroom, and set it up next to Josie’s bed so I could sit near her but keep some distance between us.
Josie came walking in from the kitchen carrying two cups of hot tea. Libby Morgan had gotten Jo hooked on hot tea, and she always made some when she felt the situation called for it. Libby had taught her that hot tea was good for most every situation. I took a steaming mug from her hand and sat it on her nightstand. She spied the chair I’d brought in and smiled at me, “Don’t trust the bed, huh? Well, me neither, so good call.” She climbed into her bed and pulled the blankets up around her as she leaned against the headboard. “Okay, so let’s talk, KJ.”
I took a deep breath; where should I start? I decided to get the thing that was bothering most off my chest first; like the band-aid Nicky had suggested, just rip it off. “Um, listen, I overheard you making a date on the phone when I came in. I won’t try to stop you from dating if that’s what you want to do, but I was sort of hoping that we could give this thing with us a chance first. I’d never ask you to cancel a date for me. Um, but, I was just thinking maybe you and I could have a real first date earlier in the week; before you go out with whatever-his-name-is on Saturday.” I felt like a complete douche, but I needed her to know I wasn’t thrilled with this other guy.
Josie hung her head for a moment, and I feared I’d made her mad with my request. I wasn’t going to apologize for asking her out on a real date; I didn’t demand she cancel her other date, so I didn’t know why she seemed miffed.
“Ky, I’ve got to be honest with you; that’s what we need between us from here on out, right? Honesty?” Her gorgeous blue eyes looked at me with such sincerity that my heart almost stopped out of fear of what she was going to tell me.
“Yeah, Jo, we’ve got to be honest with each other. Always.” I reached out and took her hand. “What is it?” Whatever it was, we’d deal with it. Izzy had convinced me to take this step, and I wasn’t going to give up on her. Maybe she was more excited about this guy taking her on a date than I thought she was; was she going to tell me she was falling for someone, and I was too late? I thought back to the way her lips tasted, the way her breathing increased, her moans as my hard length pressed against her, her nipples pebbling under my touch; no, she wasn’t falling for anyone other than me. I felt it.
“Well, Izzy convinced me to do a little role-playing on the phone when you walked in. I don’t really have a date on Saturday; Eric works at Nate’s school and called to ask me out, but I turned him down, telling him I wasn’t ready and if I decided wanted to go out, I’d ask Nate for his number. But Izzy made me pretend to still be on the phone when you walked in. She said you needed a kick in the balls to get your ass in gear and that thinking I was going on a date with another guy would be just the thing. She didn’t give me much time to think it over, so I sort of panicked and just went with it. I’m so sorry, KJ, I shouldn’t have lied to you. Izzy said if this all went south she’d take the blame for it.” She winced slightly as she lifted her head to look at me, as if afraid I was going to be mad.
I threw my head back and laughed; it felt good to just let loose with a big hearty laugh. I loved the feeling of the laugh rumbling from my stomach to my chest and reverberating off the walls. “A kick to balls, huh? Yeah, that sounds like Izzy.” As I wiped some happy tears from my eyes, I spoke, “Well played again, Izzy-bel. Well played.”
“Listen, Jose, I’m not mad at you. In fact, hearing that you don’t have a date on Saturday is some of the best news I’ve heard all day. Means you and I can get a couple dates in this week rather than just one.” I rubbed my thumb across the back of her hand and noticed how she shivered at my touch. My mind flitted to how my touch would affect her later. Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I came back to the present.
“Okay then, next topic. I met with Dr. Xander today. I’m not sure what I was expecting going in. I had Izzy badgering me the whole way there; I think I really wanted him to say it was a good idea to protect myself and my heart by holding the memories of Izzy close and not opening myself up to moving along. But, from the moment I sat down, he told me the exact opposite. Told me that the way I was trying to keep my heart numb would eventually be the figurative and literal death of me. He did some exercises with me which pointed out the ability humans have to love more than one thing at a time. Nothing he said was earth-shattering; he said mostly the same type of things all of my friends and family have been saying all along. But, hearing it from a medical professional seemed to break through something in my head and heart. He made me see that YOU are what makes me happy. He made me see that I can love Izzy forever and never lose memories with her, but I can also move on and build new love and new memories. He gave me an assignment between now and my next appointment; I’m supposed to let go of the guilt, be happy, spend time with you, and just live life. I think if Izzy could have smacked me upside the head, she would have. She all but did as she told me, ‘See, Punk Boy, it’s the same thing I’ve been telling you this whole time!’” I smiled at the thought of Izzy being so irritated with me. I let out a deep breath as I finished my recap of my session with Dr. X.
“So, what does all of that mean, Ky?” Josie seemed anxious and hesitant as she looked at her tiny hand in my larger one.
“What it means, Jo, is that I’ve been wrong all this time. I kept telling you I could never give you my whole heart, but that’s not true. I can give my heart to more than one at a time. I was so scared of the hurt that might come from loving again, it was just easier to convince myself and you that I couldn’t love you the way you deserve than take the chance and risk the pain. It means that I want to give us a chance; I can’t stand the thought of losing you but what’s that saying? ‘It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all’? Well, it’s true. Pain and hurt are an ugly part of life; but without those emotions, we wouldn’t know the emotions on the opposite spectrum. I’d rather have
loved Izzy and lost her than to have never loved her at all. I’d rather take a chance on us and find love between us than to keep hiding from something that could be amazing.” As I spoke, I realized for the umpteenth time that day that I meant every word I was saying, and I really did have room in my heart for Josie. I grasped her hand tighter and looked at her. “Are you on board with this, Josie? Can we give us a chance?”
“Kyle, I want that more than anything. But…” She shut her eyes tight, and I saw her jaw tighten.
“But, nothing, baby. I told you, no more thinking you’re not good enough. You are perfect, just the way you are. You’re my best friend, you brought me out of darkness, you are what makes me happy; nothing about you is wrong. You are beautiful, smart, caring, and sexy as hell. Over time I’ll show you just how sexy you are. Just because Limp Dick couldn’t get it up to pleasure you doesn’t mean you’re not good at sexual things, Jose. I want more than anything to show you just how good you are at those things, but not tonight. Whatdya say we draw up your tattoo before bed? I don’t want to ink it on you just yet because I have plans that involve you laying on your back, but let’s get it drawn up so it’s ready.” My body warred with me; it wanted to climb in bed with Josie and love on her until the sun came up. But my head and heart knew that we needed to move slowly. So we climbed to her studio and laid out plans for her tattoo.
Once we had the plan laid, I told her I’d work on the design for the next week or so to get it perfect. Then I’d show it to her for approval and we’d set a date to get it started. I planned on doing it in three separate sessions to save her the pain and sitting for 6+ hours. We had a great plan for three wild horses running; a black, a brown, a white. It was going to be stunning. The script would read “Reckless Abandon”. I couldn’t wait to get my design on her body.
“Jo, I think it’s time to head to bed. Let’s go out tomorrow night. Mexican sounds good. We’ll come back here and see where the night leads. Sound ok?” I drew her to me and wrapped my arms around her. Leaning down, I kissed her head and groaned a bit as she turned her face to look up at me. The desire in her eyes almost did me in. “God, Jose, I want to come to bed with you, but it would make me seem like today was just about getting in your pants and that’s not what it’s about at all. So I’m going to kiss you and send you to bed. We’ll see where we’re comfortable letting this go tomorrow.” I kissed her mouth; she surprised me by sliding her tongue against my lips, seeking entry. I pulled her tighter against me and let our tongues dance together. When our breathing was coming in heavy pants, I pulled away. “Good night, Jo. Check your phone in a bit. I’m going to send you a song I want you to listen to before you go to sleep.”
As she went to her room and I headed to mine, I grabbed my phone and pulled up the song I was looking for.
Me: Goodnight, Jo. Sleep tight. This song makes me think of you. Sweet dreams. I’ll be dreaming of you so my dreams will be beyond sweet. THE MIDDLE by Jimmy Eat World
Josie
“It sounds like a cliché, but I also learnt that you're not going to fall for the right person until you really love yourself and feel good about how you are.” ~Emma Watson
I clicked the link Kyle sent me and listened to the song. “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World sounded like a strange title and group, but I knew that Kyle liked a mix of all kinds of music and I wanted to hear the song he thought of for me.
I laughed and got teary eyed when I listened to the upbeat, fun, encouraging song. I liked that this song was what Kyle thought of for me. I was proud that I wasn’t writing myself off any longer. I would keep trying my best and not worrying about what others thought. I didn’t need to be good enough for others anymore, I just needed to be good enough for me.
Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright
Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright
**********
I woke up the next day with a smile on my face. I wasn’t 100% sure what was going to happen between Kyle and me, but the fact that we were going to give it a chance made me happy. A niggling little thought ate at me; what if we didn’t work out and I lost my best friend? But, what Kyle said the night before came to mind, “I’d rather have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” I knew, deep down, after all the time we’d spent together that I already loved Kyle. I feared losing him in my life if things didn’t work out, but I didn’t want to hide from what we could have just because I was afraid.
I padded into the kitchen and turned on water for tea. I knew that Kyle would be at the shop most of the day and I had plans to get some new paintings finished and get started on some custom scrapbooks. We planned to go out that night; I was glad I had work to keep me busy because I was beyond excited to get to go on a real date with Kyle.
I noticed a bottle of lotion sitting on the counter. Why in the world was my lotion in the kitchen? My first thought was Izzy; was she practicing moving things? But why my lotion? Upon closer inspection, I noticed a rolled up paper sticking out of the bottle. Without even reading a word on the paper, I was smiling like a loon. Kyle had left me a “message in a bottle” like the movie we had watched. I started giggling uncontrollably at the fact that he’d used a lotion bottle.
Grabbing the bottle and removing the paper roll, I settled in at the table and unrolled the note.
My dearest Josie,
So, our house is sorely lacking in beautiful glass bottles, but not to worry, I’m a resourceful man and I will woo you with messages in other types of bottles. Hence, the lotion bottle.
Josie, I am scared to death of what’s ahead of us. But I’m also so excited I can hardly stand it. Allowing myself to move on is painful but also freeing in a way.
I’m looking forward to our date tonight. I challenge you to wear something that makes you feel sexy. You don’t even have to tell me what it is, I may not even see it, but wear something that makes you feel good.
I’ll pick you up at 6:00 p.m.
Kyle
P.S. Your lotion bottle wasn’t completely empty so the lid is still the bathroom. I didn’t want you to think I wasted a whole bottle.
**********
I immediately called the girls; if I was going to wear something sexy, I needed a little guidance. We agreed to meet up for lunch, a little shopping, and girl time. That meant I had about 3 hours to paint and work on scrapbooks. I was glad for the distraction.
Three hours later I was hopping out of the shower and rushing to get my hair and makeup finished. I had gotten a little wrapped up in my painting. More and more I was finding myself lost in music and art, no longer searching for who I was, but just enjoying the person I was becoming.
I rushed into the little deli where the girls and I were meeting. I was greeted with three smiles and raised brows. Breathlessly, I slid into the booth next to Audrey. “What? I’m not that late, am I?” I looked at my watch.
The girls just smirked at me for a bit. Carly spoke first, “Maybe this is the hormones speaking but I get the feeling that things are good for you and Kyle. You’re glowing, Josie.”
“Oh my God! Did you have sex with him!?!” Audrey practically shrieked her question.
“Audrey, good grief, how about you not announce it for the whole place to hear?!” Libby smiled apologetically to me.
“Sorry, so
rry. But, you ARE glowing. Did you have sex with Kyle?” Audrey took her voice down to a whisper.
“No. Not yet. But he’s admitted that he has feelings for me, and he’s ready to see where something between us could go. We’re going out on a real date tonight. He said we’d see where things went after the date. He keeps talking about ‘other stuff’ we can do without moving to sex too soon. I don’t know what he’s talking about; I want to tell him that we don’t have to do other stuff because I was never very good at foreplay, but he’s forbid me to say I’m not good at something. He says that the way I respond to him already shows him that things between us will be perfect.” I sighed with a big goofy grin on my face and the girls waited on me to continue. “We watched that movie, Message in a Bottle, and this morning he started leaving me messages in bottles. But he’s so flippin’ cute because he couldn’t find a pretty glass bottle so he used a half empty lotion bottle. He challenged me to wear something that makes me feel sexy for our date tonight. So, that’s why I called you girls. I knew you’d help calm my nerves and find me something sexy. Now, before we do that, let’s eat, I’m starving!” I smiled a genuinely happy smile at them and they all got a little teary-eyed when they smiled back.