Colour My Ugly

by A. Giannoccaro

  Forgive me Mick I know she was your little girl, but my God she is a hell of a woman and I can no longer hide from the feeling I have inside me. I understand why Cassie jumped in this moment it makes perfect sense because I would rather die than not have her.

  Lauri is no longer stiff under my touch but I can feel her heart beating against my chest as I lay her down on her bed and I know she is still scared. I want so badly to take that fear and replace it with all the good feelings that should be there. The want, the need, the burning desire for another, I want to give it all to her.

  I lay her on her back in the middle of her bed; she still only has on her thong and shoes. I kneel at the edge of the bed and remove her shoes before kicking mine off. I am nervous; no woman has made me nervous before. I climb slowly onto the bed next to her and I just look, I look at this work of art that has transformed her from the woman who begged to die only a few months ago to the woman here with me ready to fight her fear and keep moving forwards. I trace the lines swirling up her thighs where the dainty swallows fly. I can feel the raised skin of her scars beneath it as my touch turns from feather light to my palm grazing possessively over her skin. I look up and see she has closed her eyes and her shallow breath tells me she is on the verge of a panic attack. I move up so that I can hold her to me and I kiss her gently trying to calm her down. I don’t want to lose this moment and if she panics I know it will all be over and I may never get it back. I want this, the rush I feel touching her cannot be found anywhere else. You see this woman found my fucking heart.

  This time she kisses me back, not hard but softly, as if learning to enjoy the feeling of our mouths together. After a few moments I feel her arms slither around my neck pulling me closer to her and my thundering heart skips a beat or two. She wants me closer. She is kissing me; I slow down and let her take control. I am a control freak in my life so handing her control is taking all the restraint I have right now, but I think it may be secret to keeping her fear from spiralling out of control. To be honest I have never before in my life been afraid to touch a woman I am terrified that touching her will break me. I simply take what I want from women, but with Lauri I need her to want me to. She has to let me and that is hard for me.

  When she ends our kiss her hazel eyes are open and staring right into mine, there is still fear in them, but I see her walls falling down too. I pull off my T shirt in an attempt to make her more comfortable with her clothes off. She puts her hand over my heart immediately her hand drawn to the ugliest part of me, to my monster. I am sure she can feel it beating. We haven’t said a word yet just touched and held each other, and that sweet soft kiss that I know will be in dreams tonight. “Tell me about your numbers Rowan, please?” she whispers quietly not moving her hand away. My high is ruined, I plummet right back to my reality, I am torn if I don’t tell her she will think I don’t trust her and I want her to trust me, but if I tell her she will know exactly who I am. I lean down and kiss her again, I will tell her but I need one last kiss before I break this, before losing her breaks me forever. I kiss her so she knows how I feel before she knows who I am.

  “Lauri if I tell you, you will hate me, you will know my darkness and my monster. You will be afraid of me all over again and I don’t want that, but I want to tell you because I want you trust me to always tell you the truth. Every number is a life I have taken. Every time I kill someone they get a number it’s a way to remind myself of who I am. Each one is a life I have cut short, a person who I stole from their lives and a soul that fed my monster. This one, the red one, that’s you. Well not you but Ellia.” I tell her but I cannot look her in the eyes as I do. I wait what seems an eternity before she reacts at all to that I have said. Waiting for her to shove me away, to hate me, to fear me. Her finger traces her number, and then she covers half the heart with her hand and looks into my eyes. Silent tears streak her cheeks. “That’s a lot on numbers Rowan,” her voice cracks, raw with emotion. “I don’t hate you though, I know who you are Rowan, I have since the day you walked in here and told me you were meant to kill me. You are not those numbers. They are a part of you but they do not define you. I might hate that part of you right now. But the other part. The part of you that was touching me and kissing me, the part however small it is that may love me, that part. I want it, that part is mine. Only mine.” Her words rip me to shreds I thought for sure she would push me away and hate me when she knew just how much blood was on my hands. She hasn’t moved away she is staring right into my soul right now and I have no idea what to do. She leans up and kisses me again, a short soft kiss. Before I can do or say anything she moves away and whimpers through new tears “Rowan, I need a bit of time right now to think. Please go. It’s been a long night and my mind and my heart are all over the place I cannot think with you so close to me. Touching me and making feel things I didn’t know existed. I can’t breathe.” I can hear panic in her voice, it back and the magic of the moment has passed. I don’t want to go. I want to hold her and beg her not to hate me. I want to tell her I love her, but I don’t. I grab my shirt, kiss her softly and leave her to think. This heart in my chest is aching and pounding with emotions that I don’t have a clue how to deal with. I need a scotch. Anything to make the feelings stop hurting me, why is it so hard to feel.

  If she hates me tomorrow at least I know I had tonight and I felt her in my arms even if that’s all I get from her ever it was those few moments that changed my life and I know I will never be the man I was a few hours ago.

  There is no way I will be able to sleep now all I can see is her body, I can still smell her on my shirt and God her taste is still on my lips. I am going to get hurt I just know it. That woman has the power to destroy me right now. She will break me. I go sit outside on the patio and pour myself another scotch in the hope of calming the storm brewing in me. I sit there with my head in my hands and believe it or not I pray. Not that God would listen to a murderer’s plea, but just maybe he will let me have her. I slump back on the lounger and drown out the noise in my head and try to stop my fucking heart from beating so fast. Her lips are burned into my brain and no amount of whiskey will wash it away now.

  LAURI

  “Strength isn’t about how much you can handle before you break. It’s about how much you can handle after you break.”

  ~ Unknown

  For a fleeting moment I thought just maybe I could have it all, maybe I could feel the things my heart wants to feel for Rowan. I know now the jealousy that coursed through me every time he had a woman in his bed was real. It was real because I want Rowan to be mine, I want to keep him. I know he is not a pet and that sounds stupid, but I don’t know how to put into words what I want most because I don’t want to want it.

  I don’t know why I feel like this, I knew what Rowan did from the day he walked into my room; I knew he was a murderer all along. So why is it that the truth of his numbers has me feeling so conflicted? There are so many, I should hate him, I should be afraid of him and I shouldn’t want his hands on me again. Those hands have killed over two hundred people, yes that’s right the numbers in Rowan’s heart go well over the two hundred mark. I know how I should feel, but I don’t. Yes I hate what Rowan does but after living eight years in hell I can honestly say that I would kill Renzo if I saw him now without blinking or feeling. Maybe I am the same as Rowan on the inside and I just need to let it out. I wish I could actually talk to someone, talking to myself in my head is making this so much worse my head is going to explode any second now. That could be the wine too. I need some sleep so badly, but every time I close my eyes Rowan’s lips are on mine, his hands are ghosting over the pictures that adorn my skin and I know in my heart that’s what I want. I just need to decide if I can love a murderer and can a murderer love me, can he love at all. Can Rowan love me and be a cold hearted feelingless killer too?

  I doze off but my sleep is restless and broken with dreams of Rowan, dreams of my past and dreams of the shattered live
s of my children. I toss and turn and try to sleep but it’s useless I can already see the sun starting to rise over the hills around us; I never even closed my curtains last night. My head is pounding from the wine and too much thinking as I sit up in my bed. I groan out loud as I stand and shuffle towards the shower. I still have nothing on and I stop in front of the mirror and admire the human canvas that I have become. I feel like I am myself, the real me now that the tattoo is completed. The fresh new work is going to hurt like hell now in the shower but it’s a pain I have learned to love over the last six months the way the sting rips through my skin as the water runs over it. I step into the steaming stream of water in the glass shower and let the water wash away my head ache I let the pain of the tattoo take away everything else and for just a few moments my mind is completely free of the weight that was there before. I wash my thick unruly hair and wash my skin carefully, I can still feel every raised bump of my scars but they can’t be seen anymore only I know they are there. I bend my head forward and I pray. Yes I pray to the God that forgot me for eight years. Maybe he can see me now. If he does see me or hear me maybe he will let Rowan love me.

  The water starts to run cold before I get out of the shower and dry myself and my hair. I pin it up with a red head band and slip on a strappy red sun dress. I forgo heals today and instead put on my red chucks with the dress. I need food to fix the pounding that the wine has left in my head and I go to my kitchen. I find it spotless. Rowan obviously cleaned after I asked him to leave last night. The patio door is open and when I step out into the morning air I see him sleeping on the patio lounger, still in his jeans from last night. His stubble is a little longer and his hair is all over the place but my God he is still so hard not to look at. Rowan is all man, no boy there the only time you see Rowan the boy is when he gets that naughty grin on his face. I pull my gaze away and go back into the kitchen to cook some breakfast; the empty scotch bottle on the floor next to him says he is going to need it more than I do.

  I am almost done cooking breakfast when Rowan stalks through the door from the patio, I’m sure it was the smell of bacon I just put in the pan that woke him. I hand him a cup of strong black coffee over the island and carry on cooking. He takes a sip and then comes around to my side of the kitchen. He puts his mug on the counter and takes the spatula out of my hand before he pulls me into his chest and says “morning beautiful” with that naughty boy grin plastered on his face. He lets me go still unsure of where we stand after last night I turn back to my cooking before I answer him. His touch still scares me, wanting it fucking paralyses me with fear. “Morning, you look like shit this morning.” I can’t help giggle at his very obvious hangover, but also from my nerves bouncing around making me unstable and giddy. “It’s not funny. My head is throbbing and I feel like I am licking sandpaper right now.” He croaks pulling a face and sticking his tongue out at me.

  “Go shower Rowan then you can come and eat a greasy breakfast, which should help a little.” I hand him a bottle of Aspirin. He mouths thank you at me and retreats down the hall to shower. I go back to cooking but all I can think of is the feel of his hard chest against my body and his arms around me. Even all hung-over and disgusting he has me all hot and bothered a feeling I am not sure what to do with. I know I will have to talk to him but I am not ready yet my brain is still working on this. My heart knows what it wants. In fact I am pretty sure my heart has wanted Rowan since I was fifteen.

  I shake my head and send Callum a text asking if we can go for cupcakes for lunch maybe some sugar and a chat with him could clear my sensory overload a little. He knows the real Rowan and maybe just maybe I can talk to him about last night and sort out what to do with all these feelings. Cal replies almost instantly, I never have to ask twice with him if there is sugar involved. I asked him about the sweet addiction once; he explained that in his world of designer drugs the temptation was always there so he replaced his need for the bad candy as he calls it with sweets and gym, hence he never gets fat. I thought it was rather clever but still worry he may end up with diabetes the way he consumes anything sweet. We arrange to meet at Charley’s bakery in the city at eleven.

  As I am putting the food onto the plates Rowan returns in nothing more than his gym shorts. His colourful skin is still damp from the shower and it glistens as he moves around. Every muscle in his body is trained for perfection I know he keeps his body in such good shape for his work and I know he will go upstairs and workout after breakfast and then need another shower. I catch myself staring again, as I look up his smile tells me he caught me too. I hand him a plate and we both go and sit in the sunny dining room to eat our breakfast. The morning sun rolls in through the cottage pains and warms the room making it feel cosy and safe, even as a child mornings in here were filled with comfort. I need to talk to him but I don’t know what to say yet, I want to talk to Callum first. How do I say that my heart loves you, but my head won’t let me?

  “I’m going to Charley’s for lunch with Cal today; do you need anything while I’m out?” I eventually ask breaking the silence with something trivial so I don’t have to face the awkwardness.

  “Nope, I have a few things to do down at the estate office this afternoon and I may need a while to recover from last night.” Rowan replies softly. I know we cannot just go back to the way it was before last night too much was shared between us and I am scared of what that means. I can sense he is just as uneasy this morning he doesn’t quite know how to act. His eyes won’t find mine and his hands are shaking, also his tell the way I know Rowan is on edge, he taps his foot without even noticing. It’s just awkward and uncomfortable and I really wish he had put a shirt on. God what is he trying to kill me for real this time? My eyes have a mind of their own scouring every inch of his skin with new need to know exactly what is written there, the words and pictures conceal the man and the monster below.

  We are both done eating but neither of gets up to move, we just sit and stare at each other, at nothing, out the window anything at all. I can’t do this much longer my head is already exploding with a hangover from red wine which is lethal and the feelings I don’t know how to feel. I lean forward and touch Rowan’s hand that is gripping the edge of the table so tightly. His gaze snaps up to mine and I see a million questions in his eyes in that second. “I know we can’t rewind Rowan and I know we need to talk about it, I just need a little time. I need to sort out how I feel, please, but for what it’s worth last night was unforgettable. Just give me today, tonight we can talk about it if you still want too? I don’t know how you feel today and I need to sort out how I feel first.”

  “Lauri, I have waited this long I can wait as long as you need. I just don’t quite know how to go back to not touching you when that’s all I want to do right now.” He says averting his eyes to where I am still touching his hand, the death grip on the table has increased to stop himself from touching me I know it, he is restraining his desire to touch me because he knows I am afraid.

  “You can touch me Rowan. I am not scared of your touch.” I lie and squeeze his hand before I stand to clear our plates. I am terrified of his touch and how much I think I want it. As I expected he fled upstairs to the gym at the speed of light. I can hear his heavy footfalls on the treadmill from down here, he seems to run for a very long time today I hear him getting faster and faster pushing himself, I know he is punishing himself.

  I cleaned the kitchen and snuck upstairs to tell him I was leaving but when I stand in the door I see Rowan sitting on the bench by his weights his head is down and I see tears on his cheeks. I don’t say a word I just go before he sees me. The giant lump in my throat burst lose as soon as I start my car and I cry spreading mascara all down my cheeks. Seeing that sort of feeling from Rowan has only confused me more. He is just as broken as I am and maybe we are just going to shatter whatever is left. I am a train wreck by the time I get into Cape Town to meet Callum. I try clean my face in the rear view mirror and fix myself as b
est I can I know Callum will see right through it. He has seen enough of my ups and downs since I have been here to know when I am not myself.

  I get out of my very red car and my red dress blows in the typical Cape Town wind as I grab my bag and walk towards the bakery that is painted like a giant pink cake box. I am sure you could spot Charley’s from outer space it’s so bright. My red clothes clash with the pink walls. Callum’s car is already outside so I know he is in there ordering himself a sugar coma.

  He takes one look at me as I walk through the doors and raises his brows in question. The smell of sweetness and sugar makes the air in the bakery thick and enticing, I kiss his cheek hello “Don’t ask we will talk once we have some cupcakes in us.” Callum ordered a box of mixed cupcakes and we walk outside again, twelve brightly coloured, giant mouth wateringly good fresh cupcakes. “Let’s go eat these at the Company’s garden in town, I will bring you back to fetch your car,” he suggests his voice tells me that he is concerned about me. The Company Garden is a historical park in city centre near the parliament building where you can escape reality for few moments if you need to. I love it there and often go for a walk through when I am in the city. There are old trees making cool shade and protecting you from the wind a little, there are benches scattered around with plaques dedicating them to others who loved the gardens and you can also feed the squirrels in the gardens and I know they will be poaching our cupcakes as soon as we sit.