Colour My Ugly

by A. Giannoccaro

  I wish Rowan was home right now; I dial his number but get voice mail. I know he is working so I try to sleep. Nightmares of the devil doctor, burning flesh and the safe fill my night and I get very little actual sleep in at all. I wake up with a determination not to let him take my life again and I decide the right thing to do is tell someone; I get ready to go see Robin. He may be on the straight and narrow now but he knows our world and I need someone to know to look for me if I am suddenly missing. I make sure the letter is in my bag so I can show him and I get ready to leave. I try calling Rowan again but when he doesn’t answer so I text him that I am going to Rob’s to visit with Amya.

  This is the right thing to do.

  The drive into the city takes so long and I need to pee so badly that I all but run past Amya as she opens the door. I know she understands, with my bladder empty I greet my friend who rubs my belly like I am a Buddha I already feel fat but I don’t say anything because I know it’s going to get much worse yet. “Is Robin here? I want to have a quick chat with him.” I ask her in the kitchen as she makes us coffee. Baby or no baby I cannot give up caffeine, giving up wine was hard enough coffee would kill me. “He is in his studio cleaning, go on up while I make this for us, do you want a muffin?” She asks me filling the coffee maker with water. “Mm mm yes of course I do. I will be down in few.” I answer her walking out of the kitchen towards the stairs.

  Rob has music blaring in the studio, I think it’s Fall out Boy that he is playing when I interrupt his little world he is singing “Sugar we going down” at the top of his lungs. “Hey Rob.” I greet and close the door behind me. The fear on my face obviously gives me away before I can say anything because his reply is short and honest. “Spill it Lauri. I can read you like a book.” Shit, shit, shit he really can damn my honest face. I simply pull the letter out and hand it to him to read, I see his face contort from happy singing Robin into absolute rage as her realizes what he is reading. “Did you show Rowan?” His tone is flat and hard not like normal. “No, he isn’t here, he is working and I don’t want him to know.” I tell him how I worry that Renzo will have planned for Rowan to kill him and expose him. Robin agrees that I should keep it from Rowan for now. He is not impressed by the situation and he makes some phone calls that I don’t understand. “I am putting one of my friends on the security team at the estate if Rowan notices we say it’s because of Callum’s situation.” I realize I must be the only one who didn’t know exactly what was going on with Callum and I am immediately angry at the way they treat me with kid gloves all the time. I drop it for now because I did just land a bomb on him and I am asking him to keep my secret so I will allow them theirs for now.

  We don’t say anything more Robin puts the letter in a drawer in his studio and I head down for coffee with Amya. I lie and tell her I wanted to ask him about Callum. Not sure who knows what I don’t say I know anything I just say I am upset he missed the wedding. My phone buzzes with text from Rowan that he is on his way home. I feel a relief wash through me and I realize how much I miss him when he is away. After I finish my coffee and Amya’s very store bought muffin I say my goodbyes and go home to wait for my husband.

  On the way home I hatch a devious little plan of exactly how I want to wait for him. I am intent on enjoying these months of freedom before the baby arrives and I plan to use every moment I can to seduce my husband. This baby has all my hormones raging and I am worse than a horny teenager I just look at Rowan and I want to do ungodly things with that damn sexy fucking body of his.

  I shower and dry my hair down just the way I know he likes it and I slip into a red corset and matching lace thong. The please fuck me heels complete the look. I clear his desk of all the papers and crap he seems to keep on it and when I know he is at the main gates I lay myself out on his desk so when he opens the door to the office I am all he can see in the soft glow of his desk lamp.

  My heart is thumping against my chest and the bright ink on my skin is a sharp contrast on the white high gloss desk. I see the door handle turn and I unconsciously hold my breath. Rowan’s silhouette fills the whole doorway as he steps inside. I can’t see his face as he pauses to take in my invasion of his office space. He pulls the door closed behind him and steps forward. I see his eyes are dark with all kinds of wicked things and his half smile plays at his mouth making him even hotter than normal. I notice the blood smear on his shirt but chose to ignore it. I know here he was and what he was doing, it doesn’t bother me anymore. In fact in his moment the thought of him being a ruthless killer has me hot in all the right places. Rowan’s bag thuds to the floor and he moves towards me with a deep growl. Mission accomplished I should say. Before I can get a word to pass my lips Rowan is on the desk and on top of me his bloody shirt is discarded and sent to the floor along with his belt before his mouth is on mine. No words just actions. His big hands wrap around my neck and the heat in me builds even more. I am bad right now, I am bad and I am so hot for my murderer.

  He is going to hate what I have to ask him later. But I have too, it’s in me and I know I need to get it out somehow.

  ROWAN

  “I have never been more sure of anything: I exist inside you and you, in I. I must say there is nothing more hauntingly beautiful than the way your scars let the light in”.

  ~Christopher Poindexter

  The feeling I get when I see the life drain from another person’s eyes is one I cannot even try to put into words. We all have the power to take a life but very few of us ever do. It changes you, feeds the darkness you. Every life I take feeds my soul a little more; I am unbalanced when I don’t kill for a long time off kilter and out of control. I am coming to accept the truth that Lauri is drawn to my darkness and that she loves me, no in fact she loves my darkness. She has completed me somehow balanced me, I am still a horrible man make no mistake there, but I know now what love is and I feel it so strongly that it balances the dark out.

  My trepidation about being a father hasn’t abated at all over the last two weeks in fact it has intensified. As I lie here naked with my back on my desk my legs hanging off the edge with Lauri’s small body resting on mine my mind wonders to what the future holds for us. For my family, something I haven’t had since my Ma died, I have a family. The thought of it makes me think of Callum. I push the dread building up inside me over what may or may not be going on at home and focus on my wife who made sure I had a better than ever welcome home today. Good fucking God she may just kill me if she keeps up like this. I smile up at the ceiling that I am now staring at, right now in this moment life is perfect and that scares the shit out of me because nothing stays perfect forever.

  I normally clean myself up here in the office before she sees me, tonight she saw I know she saw the blood spatter all over my shirt and jeans, she tried not to let me know she saw, but she did. It didn’t change her plans or affect her mood at all she came in here to seduce me tonight and holy shit did she ever. I nearly tripped over my own feet when I walked in and saw her blood red tattoos against my white desk. I will not even try to do justice to whatever scrap of lace was covering her, but I will say that it had me all but bursting the zip of my jeans. My wife is a little minx when she wants to play naughty with me.

  Wife, I like the word more every day. Lauri’s breathing has evened out and I can feel that she has fallen asleep on me. With some difficulty I lift us both off the desk and carry her to bed, I cover and leave her there so I can shower and finish some work. I also want to try and Skype with Callum later on. I know it will have to be much later so I will keep busy until I can get him.

  The shower washes the filth of today’s murder off my skin. I will replace it when go to Robin tomorrow and have him put two more numbers in my heart. It’s a ritual I will never be able to stop as long as I kill. I inhale the heavy steamy air in the shower and allow myself to wonder about Callum. He called me last Monday and said his Pop was missing and he had been summoned home for his own prot
ection. I was to make sure Amya’s identity remained a secret and that she was safe. That was it, all he had said before he was just gone. He left on a private flight from here to the DRC where he changed planes and headed home. I am afraid my friend may never come back. He always said he would die in Africa but my gut feeling says he isn’t coming back and his Pop has had an accident. Callum has four half-brothers and four sisters including Amya. The eldest of the “real” sons Neil will be in charge now. He is not Callum’s biggest fan. The worst thing is I know I cannot go to Ireland now. I need to be here with my family now, Ireland is just a graveyard of a family I used to have and I life I never got to live. I never want to go back. Not even for Callum.

  I throw on some running shorts and walk quietly back to my office through the darkness. I retrieve my bloody clothes and Lauri’s discarded red lace and put it in the washer to remove all the evidence of my day and my night. I settle behind my desk, the desk where I just fucked my wife, the whole office smells of her and it makes me want to sit in here and just breathe her in. I open my laptop and start going through my inbox and sorting the jobs from the junk. I notice an email from Robin which is weird he normally just phones me. It’s a referral for car service. With a simple note saying Lauri shouldn’t be driving her pregnant ass around alone. He has such tact my friend it’s a wonder Amya hasn’t killed him yet. I consider it but Lauri may kick up a huge stink if I tried to make her have a baby sitter. I am about to delete it when something in my gut has my hair standing on end and my skin prickles with the possibilities of what could go wrong she is a terrible driver and I send them a mail requesting someone be sent here in the morning, that I need a permanent driver to be assigned to my wife from here on out.

  I go to the empty kitchen and make myself a coffee; I am trying very hard to ditch the whiskey just a little. I grab her car keys off the hook at the same so I can lock them in my office safe. I know she is going to be pissed and would drive away herself just to be defiant. Robin is right I need her to be safe if she is pissed so be it, at least she is safe. By the time I am done accepting and declining jobs for the next few weeks I see that Callum is online and I initiate a Skype call to him. He answers quite quickly, sounding tired and he looks ragged and dirty, definitely worse for wear. My friend looks broken, lost and far from home. I miss him, even before he left I missed him something changed in Callum after the container went down in the harbour he just wasn’t the same.

  “Hey Rowan. How are you doing?” He asks feigning enthusiasm. “I am better than you look Cal, what’s going on over there? I am worried about you.” He lets out an audible sigh before he even tries to answer me leaning back in his chair revealing a scraggy beard and hair worse than normal. “My Pop is dead. Rowan. Dead not just gone. He crossed the wrong people this time. Neil is in charge over here and is trying to fix the mess up. Let’s just say that container we disposed of contained someone’s very precious cargo. Pop was a fucking idiot.”

  I swallow hard running my hands through my still wet hair I sent that container to the bottom of ocean. “How precious Callum? How much danger am I in?” I try to remain as calm as possible I know this is not his fault. I feel my foot start to tap and the muscles in my shoulders tense. “Let’s just say that the daughter of a very wealthy Arab was kidnapped by Pops men and loaded in that container and when he didn’t give my Pop what he wanted she paid the price.” There it was again, someone paid the price. Fuck this shit. “Callum this shit better not land on my door step I will fucking kill you.” My anger is just simmering out I am ready to fucking explode through the computer. “Rowan, no one knows you did the job I pinned it on your very dead helper. No one here even believes you are still alive and it’s better that way. Neil is handling this but I cannot come home. This guy knows I made the call that sunk the container I am as good as dead until him, and his brothers are dead.” Callum, you stupid fucking asshole. What have you got into with these people?” He changes the subject, pulling his hair back in his fist clearly frustrated. “How is Lauri? I got a very pissy text from her saying she needed me earlier today?” I know she is still pissed that he missed the wedding so I am not surprised at all she lashed out at him her moods are a bit on the bipolar scale right now. “She is good, we are good. I think she is still pissed you weren’t here.” He leans back in his chair and lets out a breath. “This seemed like more Rowan. I am not ready to even try explaining this shit to her or anyone else yet I’m sorry, but if you want to you can tell her what’s going down. I do care about her. And I am sorry.” I know he was gutted that he missed our wedding it hurt him badly that she was so angry at him. I was so angry. The best fucking day of my life and the closest person I had to a brother skipped the country. We say our goodbyes and I log off of Skype. I want to go and hold my wife close; I want more of her every day. I don’t crave the sting of Rob’s needles nearly as much as I crave her touch, her body, all of her.

  I drop my shorts on the floor and slide in next to my naked wife and pull her close to me. Her smell fills my lungs as I breathe her in and sleep sucks me away quickly.

  ___________

  “Stoooooooooooooop please stop. Please don’t take it from me. Stoooooooooooooop.” I’m woken by Lauri screaming in her sleep. Her whole body is wet with sweat and her muscles tense and she convulses and continues to yell. I have never seen her this bad. Her dreams can be bad and do wake her sometimes but this is crazy. I wrap my arms around her flailing ones and try still her by whispering in her ear to try wake her slowly and softly. My heart is still pounding from the fright of her screams jolting me from my sleep. She slowly stills and the screams become whimpers I brush her hair off her face only to meet with her hollow eyes and tear stained cheeks. She buries her head my chest and whispers “Sorry” before she drifts off again. I am wide awake now. This pregnancy has her remembering a lot of horrendous truths about her marriage to Renzo and I am worried about her sanity she seems a little fragile. This may all be too much too fast. I need you Lauri; no way can I do this alone, I need all of you please don’t lose your mind now.

  I try to sleep but just lie there awake waiting for the sun to rise. When it does, I go upstairs to the gym and let all the anger and frustration over Callum leaving us and Lauri’s nightmares work out of my system the old fashioned way. I force my body to work harder than it can pushing the sweat out of every pore until I have none left. My muscles are stiff, tight and aching, my heart races and my skin is drenched in sweat.

  When I venture downstairs two hours later Lauri is cooking waffles in the kitchen and it smells like heaven. The sight of her in the kitchen wearing just my shirt makes me happy and I sit on a stool at the counter while she cooks. I better tell her about the driver, she is going to be pissed. I suck in breath and just spit the words out. “I hired you a driver, I don’t want you driving around alone while you are pregnant.” I shove a piece of the waffle she has just put in front of me in my mouth burning my tongue so I won’t taste the rest of it. “Okay.” I get a one word reply but not the snippy one I expected. I raise my eye brows, okay. No fight just okay. “Okay? You are not pissed?” I just have to ask because I know full well I may pay for this later. “No. You are right, but he can drive me in my car I am not being chauffeured in some black monster all over the place.” That was easier than I anticipated it being. I have a feeling I may get an explosion or delayed reaction of sorts later on, this seemed too easy.

  CALLUM

  “Our memories are trapped in our heads the good ones like infants in their cribs the bad ones like wild animals in their tightly locked cages - forever they will roar”.

  ~ Christopher Poindexter

  I am slumped over the counter in the dirty little kitchen in the hole of a flat my half-brother Neil has me hidden away in I just spoke to Rowan on Skype and he is pissed that he is even near this mess and I cannot blame him.

  We found my Pop this week, well he was sent to us. In pieces, boxed and couriered to his
office building over a few days. I don’t have a stomach for things like that. I am not like Rowan, death, dead things, blood gore and taking lives is not me. My drugs kill enough people to keep my conscience heavy as it is I could never be the end of the line. I should be angry over my Pop’s death, murder whatever it is, but I am indifferent right now. Pop was always disappointed in me, raised the bar every time I reached it and he never trusted me because my Ma was who she was. I was whipped out of South Africa faster than I could blink as soon as it came to light that Pop was missing and my involvement came out. I loathe this place I mean I fucking hate it. I miss the sunshine and clean air and sea. I even miss those dirty gang banging coloureds I had to work with. Mostly I miss Rowan and Lauri. The thing is, this was always the plan, and I won’t be here forever not even for long.

  The thing is I run a tight ship, I know the business and the contacts in Africa that Neil will need to keep things going so they do not want me in boxes too. If only everyone knew the truth… I will not be going home in boxes. So now I pretend to hide with a gunman outside my door, the rain pouring outside and nothing but memories of this shitty place filling my brain.

  I missed Rowan’s wedding, I know he is pissed. He always thought that men like us should go it alone, no one to love, no family. He believed it was safer that way, but if I look at all the great crime families all the bosses had wives and children. They all had someone to call home and to love them even though they might just be the devil. They all had someone to leave it all to when they left this earth. Even if he never knew it, Rowan needed Lauri to fix him as much as she needed him to save her. They are just meant to be. Two crime families joined together with a baby on the way, holy fucking shit would break lose over here if anyone knew that firstly she was alive and secondly she was married to and breeding with Rowan. I need to cut contact with them. No one here knows that Rowan is still around or in the business; he dropped off the face of their earth when Mick died. I need to keep them safe. I know that I am not going back to Africa for a while; Neil has made it clear that I am needed here now that Pop is gone. Neil recognizes my worth to the family business he may not like me but he needs me. I don’t need him though; I have my own plan to execute.