Wish Upon a Star

by Jim Cangany

  "She and her parents are struggling enough as it is. I just wish there was something I could do for them." Her voice cracked.

  "You can't do anything for them if you're not well yourself. Let me make you some stir fry, and we can brainstorm over dinner about how you can help."

  She wiped away a tear with the heel of her hand and got to her feet. "You're right." She strode to the fridge and marked an X over the box for treatment four. "Let's do this."

  Over the course of the evening, we came up with a handful of ideas Annie wanted to explore further. The options ranged from practical, like restaurant gift cards, to way off the charts, like paying for an in-home nurse to look after Staci.

  "Staci's my friend, and her mother's a sweetheart. The cost isn't a concern," Annie said when I asked if a private nurse wouldn't be awfully expensive.

  By the time we settled into bed, Annie had decided on two things—a variety of restaurant gift cards so Staci's mom wouldn't have to cook so much and a private tutor to keep Staci current on her studies.

  "She needs to know she has a future. A tutor will help with that."

  We'd spent the whole evening so focused on Staci that I hadn't even asked Annie how her treatment had gone. "And what about you? Now that round four's done, is there anything you need?"

  "Yes, I need to know she has a future, too."

  Nine

  With four chemo treatments behind her, Annie was halfway through. When Julia called the next day, she suggested it was a good time for Annie to meet with a plastic surgeon if she wanted to have reconstruction done at the same time as her mastectomy.

  I looked up from my notes of the conversation. Annie's eyes were closed and she was rubbing her temple.

  "Good Lord, Julia, it's hard enough thinking about one surgery, but two? And at the same time? Do I really have to do this?"

  "No, absolutely not. Reconstructive surgery is a choice that is completely up to you." Julia's confident, yet comforting tone took the edge off the conversation. "Some women choose to have reconstruction performed at the time of mastectomy. Others choose to have reconstruction a year or two down the road, after they've had a chance to recover a little. Some women choose not to have reconstruction done at all. The choice is yours."

  "Then why should I see someone now?"

  "To be fully aware of all of your options. I can understand if you're tired of making decisions right now. I am simply suggesting that now would be a good time to know what all of your options are. That way if... I repeat if you decide you want to have reconstruction done at the same time as mastectomy, it can be arranged."

  Annie looked my way and raised her chin slightly. It was a gesture I'd learned that meant she wanted my opinion.

  "It's like you've told me. Information is power. Better to have it now than down the road."

  "You're right," Annie said with a decision-is-made nod. "Julia, can you help me arrange to meet someone within the next week? I'd like to get this taken care of before my next infusion."

  With Julia's help, two days later we were in the office of Doctor Marie Henderson, certified in plastic and reconstructive surgery. With the patience of Job, Doctor Henderson led Annie and me through an overview of reconstructive options. My head spun at the names of the procedures and the incredible methods by which doctors were able to rebuild women's breasts after they'd been removed.

  After she completed the overview, Doctor Henderson got down to business.

  "The choice of procedure, or of not doing reconstruction at all, is yours, of course. I know Doctor Furman well. We've performed surgery together a number of times, so if you do choose reconstruction, then I'd recommend you have tissue expanders inserted at the time of your mastectomy."

  When Annie asked her why, the doctor continued. "First, if the cancer hasn't spread to the lymph nodes, it's likely you won't require a course of radiation. If that's the case, then once the mastectomy and implant surgery is complete, the only procedures you will have to undergo will be weekly visits here to expand the implants until they reach the proper size. Then we can replace the expanders with permanent implants."

  Annie chuckled. "I like the sound of that."

  "Now, you have to be prepared for the possibility that the cancer has progressed to the lymph nodes. You won't know that until you receive the results from the tests of the nodes that are removed during mastectomy. If they come back positive, then radiation will be recommended. If you need to undergo radiation, then you will also need to wait until you're recovered from the radiation to expand the implants."

  "I don't like the sound of that."

  "That's understandable. The issue you face is that the other procedures typically involving moving tissue from another part of your body to re-create the breasts. Common sources are the shoulder blade area and the abdomen. Given your body mass, you don't really have any tissue to spare."

  "Wow," I said as I finished with a note. "I wouldn't have imagined a downside to Annie's fitness level."

  The doctor leaned forward. "The fact that you're a fit woman is to your benefit. Studies have shown the long term benefits weight management and a healthy diet provide in preventing a recurrence of cancer. While your size may limit your options with reconstruction somewhat, that's the only downside."

  Annie tapped a fingertip to her lips. She let out a long sigh and rubbed her hands down her thighs. "Thank you, Doctor. You've been a great help. Let me do a little more research and I'll touch base with you in a few days, yes?"

  We were almost back to the car when Annie gave me a shoulder bump. "What do you think?"

  "Your shoulder is way too bony for my own safety." I rubbed my arm. "That hurt."

  She snorted. "Lord, you are such a dork. No, I mean about Doctor Henderson."

  I opened the driver's side door for her and made my way to the passenger side. The fact that Annie had asked for my thoughts meant the world to me. Betraying her trust with a poorly thought out response would be unforgiveable. Her hands were on the steering wheel and she had an expectant look as I buckled in.

  "First off, I love you no matter what. I'll support you one hundred and ten percent in whatever you decide to do. Having said that, Doctor Henderson's recommendation makes a lot of sense to me."

  Annie started the car. The engine purred like a happy kitten. "I'm inclined to agree with you. I've also read that the implants can be replaced if I have problems with them."

  "The part the doctor mentioned about how you might have to have radiation has me a little worried, though."

  "I might have to have it, or I might not." She patted me on the thigh. "And it won't matter when the lymph node tests come back negative." She put the car in gear and drove us out of the parking lot. On the drive home, we rehashed the notes I took and I jotted down a few more items Annie wanted to discuss with Miranda. By the time we got home, I was pretty sure Annie had made her decision.

  I was certain she wouldn't tell me until she slept on it, though.

  While I grilled some fish for dinner, Annie worked on a chart of the pros and cons of her reconstruction options. At the dinner table I mentioned I'd never seen her work on one before.

  "I don't do it often. It's reserved for extremely important decisions. And since feel like I've mostly been agreeing to whatever's been suggested recently, I want to be thorough with this one."

  I glanced at her notepad. She'd written a handful of pros and cons for each procedure. She'd circled a few items and used arrows with some others. "Wow. When's the last time you did one."

  Her smile grew wide and her cheeks bloomed light pink. It warmed my heart to see color in her skin. "Almost two years ago. It was when I was debating whether it was a good idea or not to drive from Malibu to Vegas to find you."

  The hair on the back of my neck rose to attention. "Really? Man, wish I could've gotten a look at that list."

  "Oh, I remember it quite well. It was a rather lopsided list actually. As I recall, I stopped adding to the list of cons when I reac
hed twenty-seven."

  "Yet you still made that drive. Must have been a pretty impressive list of pros."

  "No, only one."

  Only one? Whatever that one pro was, it must have been a whopper. I leaned toward her. "So what was it? The realization you couldn't live without me?"

  "That's close." She gave me her heart-melting smile and leaned in. We were almost nose to nose. "More like I couldn't live without my glorious purple and gold shoelaces you had in your backpack." She gave me a peck on the nose and took a drink of her ice water.

  I let out a laugh. When Annie and I had parted ways in Arizona almost two years before, I'd forgotten about a pair of shoelaces she'd left in my backpack. "Your Lakers shoelaces. You're never going to let me live those things down, are you?"

  "Nope. Besides, if it weren't for them, you wouldn't be engaged to a rock star today."

  "So that's your story?"

  "Yep. And I'm sticking to it." She put her feet in my lap. I looked down. She was wearing running shoes. With purple and gold shoelaces. When I looked back up, she winked at me.

  * * * *

  The following evening, I'd just finished cleaning up from an afternoon working at the Co-op, when Annie came through the door. She handed me a grocery bag full of natural foods from Good Earth. Among her treasures was a box of quinoa—whatever that was—a couple of bags of granola, and some bottles of supplements.

  "Randi and I discussed my options while we shopped for healthy food for me."

  "And?"

  She eased herself onto one of the barstools and steepled her fingers in front of her. "Randi agrees with you, so I'm going to have the expanders put in at the time of mastectomy. Tomorrow, I'll let Julia and Doctor Henderson know. I have an appointment with Doctor Furman next week, so I'll talk to her about it then. What do you think?"

  I went to her and wrapped my arms around her. "That you're one step closer to beating this thing."

  Ten

  Ever since that mind-blowing moment back in California when Annie had dropped the bomb that she had cancer, I'd felt like my life had been one constant bike race. I'd been clinging to the back of the peloton, fighting with every fiber inside me just to hold on.

  After a good couple of days, I'd go to bed thinking that I'd settled comfortably back in the pack. Then Annie would spend half the day retching in the bathroom, or a minor Cassandra-related emergency would come up, and it was as if the group had hit a climb and spit me out again. I'd be left gasping for breath, dripping with sweat, cranking the pedals as hard as I could, just to keep within eye contact.

  That's how I felt at the moment. Two days ago, treatment number five had gone off without a hitch. Now its effects had surfaced. This treatment had been Annie's first with the drug Taxol. We'd been warned that one of the side effects, major body pain, would kick in a day or two after treatment. For Annie, the pain hadn't kicked in. It had karate chopped and mortar blasted its way in and landed right on top of her with guns blazing.

  I pushed the bedroom open a crack and peered in. Some mid-day light filtered in through the sheers to reveal her curled up in a fetal position in the middle of the bed. She'd been in this condition for the past twenty-four hours, more or less.

  I placed a cup of hot chamomile tea on the night stand and sat on the edge of the bed. "Any better?"

  She took a deep breath. Though she kept her eyes closed, she nodded. "A little. Now it only hurts when I breathe."

  "Melissa Etheridge wouldn't be happy with you stealing her lyrics."

  Annie's lips curved up slightly. The first hint of a smile I'd seen in almost two days. "It's all right. We've exchanged text messages. Given the circumstances, she's given me permission."

  I slipped an extra pillow behind her as she struggled to sit upright. Once settled, she took the cup and breathed in the calming aroma. "This is nice, thanks." She sipped the tea. When her stomach growled, we both laughed. "How about a whole wheat English muffin, plain?"

  I returned a few minutes later with her order. She wolfed down the first half in four big bites. When she swallowed the last bit, her cheeks bloomed pink. "Guess I was a little hungry, huh?"

  "Since it's the first thing you've eaten in a couple of days, it's understandable."

  While Annie worked her way a little more slowly through the other half of the muffin, I brought her a bowl of mixed fruit. She'd been battling mouth sores on the insides of her cheeks for about a week, so I'd kept the choices bland—banana, blueberry and white grape.

  "You know what'd be cool? If after all this is over, you were able to get together with Melissa Etheridge, Sheryl Crow and Jenny Conlee, and record something. Kind of a Sisters Who Have Beaten Cancer thing."

  She finished her breakfast and handed the cup and bowl to me. "Maybe. You never know. I think it's time for a shower."

  I'd never been so pleased to hear someone announce they were going to take a shower. Then again, I'd never dealt with having the woman I loved more than anything in so much pain she couldn't get out of bed for the better part of two days. The meal and shower must have done her wonders, because when she came out of the bedroom, she looked like herself. A pink sweatshirt and blue jeans complemented the grin she was wearing.

  "I'm feeling much better. How's a late lunch sound?"

  "You know me, I can always eat. Are you up to walking to the village?"

  Annie's eyes lit up. "Yes, if we take it slow. The muscle pain's almost gone, but the joints still hate me."

  She grabbed her favorite head covering—an orange and purple scarf with a paisley design—wrapped it into a classy looking do-rag, and slipped into the jacket I held out for her. It was a sunny mid-April day with the spring flowers in full bloom. The familiar low-pitched buzz of lawn mowers filled the air. I was in short sleeves and a t-shirt, but Annie had been struggling to stay warm recently and didn't seem to mind the jacket.

  After stopping to rest two times, we made it to a Mexican place adjacent to the trail. It had outdoor seating, which was perfect for a pleasant spring day. It also had an endless supply of tortilla chips, which was perfect for Annie's empty stomach. In addition to her taco plate, I think she ate three bowls of chips all by herself. Either the mouth sores weren't bothering her or she'd chosen to ignore them.

  "So much for trying to eat healthy, huh?"

  Annie ignored my teasing and munched on another chip. "I'm getting in some calories. Randi and Julia have both told me an indulgence like today's good for the soul every now and then."

  I clinked my iced tea to her water. "Then here's to feeling good enough to indulge."

  On the way home, we took a detour through the grounds of the Art Center. We were enjoying a quiet moment on the deck overlooking the river when Annie pulled her phone out of a pocket of her jacket.

  "I got a text from Staci this morning and didn't have the guts to read it. Now seems like a good time." Annie said before I could ask.

  "How is she?"

  After taking a moment to read the text, she broke into a grin. "She's pissed at me for arranging the tutor. She says she was ready to enjoy the next two months homework-free until I ruined it for her. And to expect retribution on my birthday." Annie's voice caught in her throat. She slipped her phone back in her pocket. "I love that kid."

  By the tone of her voice, I could tell Annie wasn't just using a cliché. She'd truly come to care deeply for the young lady with whom she'd been sharing chemo treatments.

  "You know, I think that's the first time I've heard you talk about someone other than your dad that way."

  Annie turned away and leaned on the railing. "Yes, well cancer changes you. In more ways than one."

  "Staci's thinking ahead, looking forward to something. That's good, even if it's just to get you back. You did good, Annie. She's going to be okay."

  "I hope so, E.J. I really hope so."

  Annie held her hand out to me. Instead of taking it, I wrapped my arms around her. Minutes passed as I held her. We gazed at the river in sile
nce. I wondered how far the water passing before my eyes would travel. Would it make it all the way to the Mississippi River and then down to the Gulf of Mexico? Or would its journey be cut short for some reason? As we turned away from the river to head for home, I hoped the water had a long adventure ahead of it.

  Just like I hoped Annie and Staci had long, adventure-filled lives ahead of them.

  As the Taxol-induced pain subsided, Annie's energy level returned. She'd made a promise to exercise at least an hour a day during her treatment, and while she hadn't been able to keep that promise to the letter, she'd done pretty well. Now that the April temperatures were inching up, Miranda had started coming by two or three times a week and they'd ride the Monon together. Other days, I'd walk with her or she'd go out on her own.

  My days fell into a regular routine. Every morning, I'd spend a few hours in Cassandra-assistant mode. While most of those duties were limited to handling contact with fans, I would check in with Samantha as needed and even with Ira from time to time. While the press had given Annie her space, requests for interviews and public appearances had continued to trickle in.

  "What about something in conjunction with your birthday? It's only a few weeks away, so that way you could keep it kind of small, but still tie a cancer benefit kind of thing to it." Samantha had been nagging me to get Annie to commit to some sort of public appearance. This was my latest attempt.

  Annie chuckled and shook her head. "Samantha, God love her. She's not going to give up, is she?"

  "She thinks it'd be good for people to see you out. Assure the public you're getting better."

  "Maybe she's right. And it would get her off my back about it." She snapped her fingers. "I could do something with Staci. Yes."

  Like an arrow from a bow, Annie shot from the chair and went straight to the spare bedroom. I didn't see her for the rest of the afternoon. When she finally emerged, she plopped down on the couch and put her feet on the coffee table.