Wish Upon a Star

by Jim Cangany

  Gloria joined me on the walk back to my car.

  "That was a nice thing you did there. What did Aidan call it?"

  "A ghost bike. If anybody deserved one, Evan did. I went and visited Mom and Dad yesterday. Since I couldn't exactly visit Evan on account of the whole cremation thing, this idea popped in my head."

  "How long do you think that bike will stay there?"

  I shrugged. "Not long probably. But the main thing's we honored Evan."

  Gloria gave me a hug. "I'm proud of you. Let me know when you head out of town. You're ready, aren't you?"

  "Almost." We arrived at Gloria's truck. "I'll call you when I get the flight booked. And thanks...for, well... You know."

  With a smile and a little salute, Gloria climbed into her truck and drove away. I used my phone to post a few pictures of us with Evan's bike and headed home to get ready for Paul and Dave.

  * * * *

  The doorbell rang while I was catching up on pre-Tour de France scuttlebutt. I opened the door and directed my friends to the dining room table where the bottle of Jameson's stood.

  Dave stopped halfway there and scratched his ear. "Dude, you don't drink Jameson's. What gives?"

  "Normally I don't, but Evan did. And so tonight, in his honor and memory, we will too." I handed the note to him. Paul drifted over and read it with him.

  After a minute, Dave tapped the note with his knuckle and nodded. He swallowed and took a deep breath before raising his head. "Guess we better get to it."

  Paul opened the bottle while I filled four glasses with ice. I gave one glass to Paul, another to Dave, kept one for myself and placed the fourth at the open seat for Evan.

  "You get the first pour, dude." I filled Evan's glass to the top. "Jameson's on the rocks. Just like you always liked it."

  The guys and I mixed our whiskey with cola and raised our glasses to Evan.

  Paul started us off. "To a good, loyal, if a bit colorful, customer. In all the years you ran Velo Messenger, you always sent your guys to me when they needed things. Thanks for that. Peace." We took a drink. I grimaced as the whiskey burned my throat. It was a good burn.

  "To the Blonde Bomber, the scariest and best alley cat racer I ever saw. As you race up there, may your streets be pothole free and may cats never stray into your path. Ride on." Another drink followed Dave's salute.

  I stood there, motionless, as the guys eyed me. Even though I'd had a few days to think about what I'd say when the moment came, my mind drew a blank.

  "To Evan Gilbert. Bike racer, businessman, ladies' man, and above all, one helluva great friend. Keep the rubber side down, man." After a third drink, we clinked our glasses and sat.

  For one final time, we did what Evan told us, and spent the evening swapping stories about him and ourselves. To be honest, we didn't make much of a dent in the bottle, but we did manage to polish off a pizza and breadsticks while we regaled each other with tales that always ended with a laugh. There were no tears. That's the way Evan wanted it. It was simply a few guys reminiscing about good times with a friend who couldn't be there.

  We didn't question when Evan had written the note. We didn't waste time wondering why he'd written it, either. We didn't talk about those things, because on that night, it didn't matter. We'd lost Evan and couldn't get him back. But we could have one last night sharing a drink and a few laughs with him.

  Eighteen

  I shuffled out of the bedroom the next morning a little groggy, but otherwise no worse for the wear. I'd learned the value of discretion over the years, so I wasn't ashamed the bottle was still half full when I put it away.

  "Damn, Evan, I'm gonna miss you, man. Aidan's doing a great job with the company, though. He's up to six full-time couriers. He's even taking some business classes. You did good hiring him. If you see Mom and Dad, tell them I said hi. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to make things right with Annie."

  It cost an arm and a leg, but I managed to book a flight into Oakland for later that day. I packed light, thinking positive thoughts. Assuming Annie would talk to me, I had plenty of clothes at her place. If not, well...I'd figure something out.

  I called G to let her know I was heading out of town. God love her, she didn't press me for any information. She just told me she loved me like the son she never had and looked forward to giving Annie a hug when we returned.

  While I was on layover in Chicago, I debated calling Annie. She didn't like surprises and showing up on her door step without warning would be quite the surprise. A phone call would be a good way to test the waters. I dithered with my finger over the send button for so long, I almost missed my connecting flight and had to forget about the call. Once in the air, it was impossible to concentrate on the book I'd brought. I was too worked up to nap, so I closed my eyes and thought long and hard about what exactly I'd say to my North Star when I saw her again.

  Paying the extra cash for the GPS when I got my rental car turned out to be a good move. As I keyed in Annie's address, it occurred to me that as much as I'd been out here since we'd met, I'd never driven outside the immediate Santa Rosa area. I only made one wrong turn during the drive and the Garmin immediately corrected me. I almost said thank you to its proper English-accented voice.

  When Annie's house came into view, I dropped way below the speed limit. My palms got sweaty, but I fought against the unease. I'd come this far. There was no turning back now.

  My heart was pounding in my chest so hard I could hear it when I pushed the button on the gate intercom. I waited, my fingers tapping on the steering wheel. A minute passed with no answer. I was about to push the button again when there was a click.

  "Hello?"

  My voice caught in my throat. I swallowed and ran my fingers through my hair.

  "Who's there?"

  "Uh, hi Annie. It's E.J. How are you?"

  "E.J.? Is that really you?"

  "Yeah. Is it okay if I come in?"

  "Why wouldn't it be?"

  "Because... I'm an insensitive jerk who doesn't deserve you... And I'm really, really sorry for hurting you the way I did. And if you'll see me, there's something I'd like to ask you."

  Bird calls echoed in the air while I waited for Annie's response.

  I was about to ask if she was still there when the gate began sliding back on its rollers. "I'm in my studio office. Give me a moment to open the garage for you."

  A minute later, I pulled into the garage and shut the engine off. With a deep breath, I grabbed the bouquet of flowers and got out of the car. Annie was at the front door of her studio, wearing a pink T-shirt emblazoned with a pair of boxing gloves and the slogan, "Fight Like a Girl."

  She had more color than the last time I'd seen her. Evidently, she'd been spending a fair amount of her time out of doors. A neutral expression was on her face as I approached. With her hands behind her back, I couldn't tell whether or not she was wearing the Claddagh and engagement rings.

  I stopped a couple of feet from her and offered her the flowers.

  She took them without comment and brought them to her nose. A smile formed as she breathed in the floral aroma.

  "Thank you. Somewhat clichéd, but thank you nonetheless."

  I scratched my arm. "Yeah, well you know me. Not the most original guy on earth."

  "But a kindhearted one." With another sniff of the flowers, Annie opened the studio door. "Would you like to come in?"

  I followed her upstairs to the lounge above the recording studio. She went to the bar in the corner of the room and poured two glasses of a local Riesling. She offered one to me.

  "To what do I owe this visit? And please don't tell me it's because you were in the neighborhood."

  "My attempts at stalking Levi Leipheimer failed, so I thought I'd see if I had any success with you."

  Annie snorted. "Lord, you would so do that."

  The tension in the room dropped easily by half. Not as far as I wanted, but we were getting there.

  "I came here for two reaso
ns. First, I need to apologize. It never occurred to me how important it would be to you to keep the wedding date. Being a typical guy, I wasn't thinking about you when I brought up delaying the wedding. I am so very, very sorry for doing that to you."

  Annie took a sip, her gorgeous brown eyes burrowing into my soul. She swished her wine around in her glass while she blinked a couple of times.

  "You came all this way to tell me that?"

  I ran my hand down my sleeve and gave her a quick nod.

  "You could have called."

  I shook my head. "No Annie, I couldn't have. I owe it to you to do this in person."

  She put her glass down and took the flowers in her hands again. Closing her eyes, she breathed in deeply again. The smile returned. It wasn't ear-to-ear, but it still made my heart sing.

  The fact that she was wearing the Claddagh and the engagement rings helped, too.

  "Thank you for the beautiful flowers and for the apology." She rummaged around behind the bar until she found a vase. While she hummed a tune, she ran some water and put the flowers in their new home. "Of course, it's not like I could turn you down after coming all this way, or ever, for that matter." She winked at me.

  I sensed I was almost there. Maybe I'd never actually lost Annie and all of this hadn't been necessary. I'd never know. But it didn't matter. Annie was my North Star, the most important thing in my universe. Even if it had been unintentional, I'd wronged her in the most hurtful way imaginable and needed to make it up to her in the most thoughtful way possible.

  She took another drink and motioned me to the bar stool beside her.

  "You said you wanted to apologize and to ask me something. Now that your apology's been accepted, what did you want to ask?"

  "I need your help with something." I told her about coming to understand that when she left, I needed to let her go. Despite my feelings for her, I needed to accept the fact she was her own person and there would be times when I couldn't keep her close to me. That wasn't fair to her.

  "And in doing so, I came to understand that there were a few people I'd never let go of despite my need to. Dad, Mom and Evan."

  Annie took in a little breath.

  I told her about finally going through the boxes I'd stored away while I'd carried around that needlessly placed guilt like a badge of honor. Her eyes grew watery when I filled her in on my conversation with Mom and Dad. A single tear ran down her cheek when I told her about the ghost bike ceremony for Evan. We both laughed when I told her the stories from my night with Paul and Dave.

  "And so Annie, I'd like to ask for your help with something. I now understand that for too many years I've been living with one foot pointed toward the future while the other's been stuck in the past. I was a rubber band that was going to snap if I didn't take a serious look at myself. I think, finally, I'm ready to move forward in my life and say goodbye to the past. But having been unable to let go of that past for so long, moving forward without looking back is damn scary."

  I stood and took her hand in mine and looked into her bewitching eyes. "So I'd like to ask you to help keep me on that path moving forward. And to keep my focus ahead of me when I'm tempted to look back. Annie you're the person who makes my life worth living. I can't do this without you. Will you help me?"

  Annie wiped away a tear with her thumb and gave me her heart-melting smile. "Oh E.J., I've missed you so much. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. I don't want to go forward without you, either."

  She put her glass down and threw her arms around me, burying her face in my chest. I pulled her in as close as possible and kissed her beautiful bald head again and again. She smelled like wildflowers. The heat of her arms around my neck warmed my soul.

  "I was so scared. I know what I look like when I look in the mirror and when you said you wanted to delay the wedding... My mind immediately jumped to the conclusion you didn't want me anymore. And I couldn't bear that thought. So I ran away. And then I didn't have the guts to call you so I called Randi. She told me what you were doing. I'm so sorry I put you through that. But I'm really, really happy it helped."

  "Thank you, Annie. I love you."

  She cupped my face in her hands and brought our lips together. At that moment, the bruises from all the hits my spirit had taken in facing down those demons from my past were once and for all healed. Annie, my Annie, had fixed me in a way no other being possibly could.

  As she ran her tongue over my teeth and nipped at my lower lip, the demons faded away, like smoke on the breeze. In return for the gift she'd given me, I vowed to do anything for this priceless jewel, including lay down my life.

  She pulled back and patted my arm, breathing a little heavily. "Getting a little hot in here." In one gulp, she downed her glass.

  "Well now, let's see. If I'm going to lead you into the future, I must set a good example, yes?"

  I knew where this was likely headed—trouble—but I didn't care. "Absolutely."

  "I cannot let your injudiciousness go unpunished, can I?"

  I bowed my head. "I am at your mercy."

  She gave me a light slap on the arm. "We knew that already. No. Right now I must lead and dispense justice. I am a benevolent queen, though. Thus, for starters, I will lead you to the kitchen, where you will prepare us a dinner commensurate with your apology. Get the bottle."

  Annie picked up her flowers and led me into the kitchen. She placed them in the center of the dining room table while I refilled our wine glasses. I raised mine to hers.

  "To our undiscovered country?" I said.

  She put her hand on my cheek. "With no looking back, my love."

  We kept our eyes locked on each other while we drank. I could have stayed like that forever, but Annie had more pressing needs.

  "It's time for my meds. Why don't you poke around in the fridge to see what we have while I take care of business, yes?" She gave me a peck on the cheek and practically danced away. "I'm glad you're back," she hollered from the stairs.

  "Not nearly as much as me," I said.

  It was as if we'd never been apart during dinner. Annie reported with clear delight she was feeling a little better every day. She freely admitted she wasn't looking forward to the mastectomy and reconstruction, but had embraced her respite from the "cancer scene."

  She also told me that she'd been busy during our separation. "After a few days of moping in the hot tub and feeling sorry for myself, I got in touch with Josh and got busy with the live album. I've been working on it virtually non-stop. I have to admit it helped that my loyal assistant continued to handle his duties flawlessly after I left."

  My cheeks grew hot. "Seemed like the right thing to do."

  "I'd wager a lot of men would have ditched a job like that if their woman walked out on them like I did."

  I leaned forward and looked into her eyes. The gold flecks were captivating. "I'm not most men, now am I?"

  Annie leaned back and laughed. It was light and airy and full of joy and made me laugh right along with her.

  "So is my restitution complete?"

  Annie snorted. "Ha! You wish." She got to her feet. "Here's what we're going to do. While I change into my bathing suit, you're going to clean up in the kitchen. You may join me in the hot tub when you're finished in here. After that, you're going to give me one of your famous full-body massages. Lastly, I've found I get cold sleeping by myself. When it's time for bed, it's up to you to get me warm enough to last the night." She winked at me.

  I got to my feet and kissed her cheek. "See you at the hot tub then."

  We were lounging in the hot tub, lost in our own thoughts, when Annie swam over to me. She flicked a few water droplets in my face and kissed me on the nose. "I missed you and I must admit, it was hard not hearing from you, despite what Randi told me."

  I flicked some water back at her. "Yeah, it was hard not contacting you. But it was suggested that part of my process needed to include letting you go and giving you your freedom."

  "Really?" She fiddled with th
e engagement ring. "Will you tell me how that figured into the process?"

  I took her hands in mine. "I love you Annie, more than anything. But I also know that you've got your own career. There'll be times, as hard as it may be for me, that I'll have to give you space, personally and professionally. Like I've learned to let go of Mom and Dad and Evan, while still cherishing their memories, I don't need to be a helicopter partner."

  "Thank you. I appreciate it. Please don't doubt for a second that I need you though, all right?"

  When I nodded, she went on. "Do you want to know what I've learned?"

  She wrapped her arms around me. "It's a continual process, overcoming my distrustful nature. But I'm learning you always have my best interests at heart, and if you say or do something I may not like, I need to give you a chance to explain. I owe it to you to keep communication lines open. So I'm incredibly sorry for running away without giving you a chance to explain. I promise not to do it again."

  I gazed into the eyes of such an amazingly strong, yet extremely vulnerable piece of work and couldn't find any words. It hadn't been necessary for Annie to apologize since I'd been the one who had caused her so much heartache. The fact she'd done it anyway meant more to me than a hundred love songs ever could.

  "Unless you do something so utterly boneheaded that I need to run away to keep from strangling you, that is." She splashed me again.

  "Got it. Ready for that massage?"

  "Totally. I've been waiting all night."

  The Northern California weather was perfect, so I gave Annie her massage on a lounger next to the hot tub. After I finished, she asked for a second round on her shoulders and lower neck. Those muscles weren't knotted up as much as when I'd given her that first massage in Kansas City, but it was close. She grunted a couple of times, but gave no indication she wanted me to stop. After ninety minutes of pushing, prodding and kneading every muscle from her neck to her toes, I kissed her cheek and collapsed back into the water.

  She wrapped a pink Hello Kitty towel around herself and sat at the tub's edge, letting her legs dangle in the hundred degree water.