Forevermore

by Cristiane Serruya

  Aleksander chortled. “Yes, he’s a fixture here. The cottage wouldn’t run properly without him. I hired Matthias and Kira as soon as Rachel inherited this place.”

  “Does he live here?”

  “Yeah, in the other house on the property,” he said. “His wife passed away ten years ago and his only daughter moved back to England. I think working here gives him a purpose, takes his mind off things.”

  “Then he works around the clock.”

  “Not really. Only when I am in need.” He made a mental note to give Matthias and Kira larger Christmas bonuses than he already did. “Besides, he has his own quarters and car.”

  “I can tell they love being here. You’re a low-maintenance employer.”

  “I don’t know about that…”

  Sydney entered the room with a game box in one hand. “Sorry I’m late for the tea party. I dropped the Chinese Checkers and it took a while to gather up all the marbles.” She looked at Olivia and asked, “Do you still want to finish our tournament?”

  “If you’re still ready to get your butt kicked,” Olivia said, and everyone laughed.

  As Olivia made true on her promise to Sydney, Ava and Aleksander resumed their conversation.

  Her proximity to him made her want to rest her hand on his. It felt like it would’ve been the most natural thing in the world—and it was the restraint, the not doing it that was unnatural. They sat near each other with the sound of the fire crackling and Sydney and Olivia laughing and mock threatening as they battled each other’s marbles.

  “Matthias is a sweet man,” Ava said, smiling at Aleksander with her eyes and her mouth.

  “He likes you.”

  “He does?” she asked, her smile growing larger.

  Aleksander picked up the small teacup between his index finger and thumb. “I can tell.” I know I do.

  Until this moment, Ava would never have thought that a man could sip tea from a child-sized teacup and retain his masculinity. But he was doing a fine job of it.

  He wasn’t sure how she had managed it, but he was perfectly relaxed by the time the conversation morphed to discussion of comfort foods.

  Olivia wanted meatloaf and mashed potatoes cooked to order at a local diner.

  Ava found herself laughing at some silly something Aleksander said about gravy needing its own food group and she was struck by how much she thoroughly enjoyed talking with him about a lot of nothing.

  “Ava,” Olivia said, smiled at Ava adoringly. “Are your kids coming for Christmas, too?”

  The question took Ava aback and for a moment she went still.

  Aleksander caught Ava’s gaze, an apology in his eyes. She gave a little shake of her head to let him know it it was okay.

  “Sweetheart, that question’s kind of personal,” he chastised Olivia gently trying to stop her from unconsciously hurting Ava.

  “Well, she’s here with us,” Olivia shrugged, undaunted. “She’ll want to be spending Christmas with them, right?”

  Her experience from working with kids every day had taught Ava that they had a knack for pointing out the truth, usually in a blunt, no-nonsense manner, just as Olivia had done. They meant no harm. It was just that they hadn’t yet learned about boundaries.

  “It’s okay, I don’t mind answering her question,” Ava assured Aleksander but her voice sounded flat to her own ears.

  Her sudden inability to meet his eyes told him it was not. He balled his hands into fists because all he wanted now was to take Ava in his arms and shoo the painful memory away.

  She paused long enough to gather her wits and control around her and focus all her attention on Olivia. “I’m…I was…kind of married at one time. And I had a little girl, too.”

  Confusion in her eyes, Olivia looked at Sydney for help. But the nurse was staring dumbfound at Ava. So, the little girl asked, “But…where is she now?”

  Ava stayed quiet for a moment deciding how much to reveal. “Emma—that was her name—is in heaven.”

  Olivia’s dark eyes grew rounder with each word Ava spoke. “She died?”

  “The doctors found a tumor in her brain when she was four months old.” She still could taste her relief when the cause for Emma’s constant crying was revealed; her despair when days later the fatal diagnosis came and the months that follow; and her blind pain as Emma’s oh-so-little coffin was lowered to the ground. And it still made her want to curl on herself and bale her eyes out.

  But that wouldn’t be fair to Olivia.

  Pressing her lips together, Ava swallowed her tears before giving the little girl a sad, almost apologetic smile. “They tried everything, but they couldn’t stop that tumor from growing. We got to spend one year together before she…had to go.”

  The marble clashed on the board when Olivia released her hold on it. She looked at her father, her voice soft as a snowflake falling. “Did you hear that, Daddy? Emma died.”

  “I heard it, Pumpkin.” He heard much more than that; he heard the ache rippling through Ava, echoing inside him, and somewhat reverberating inside his daughter.

  Olivia turned her blue wide eyes toward Ava. “And your husband? Did he die too? Like my mommy did?”

  “No,” she told Olivia. “He didn’t die. He just wasn’t…able to stay with us. Sometimes people can’t.”

  “Oh.”

  Again, confusion etched the child’s forehead as she tried to figure out exactly what Ava meant. More questions were coming, Ava could see it. So could Aleksander.

  “Listen!” Sydney’s boisterous tone cut through the heavy air, calling everyone’s attention to her. “I hear Santa is in town. Why don’t we go visit him to make sure he gets all of our wishes correctly?”

  “Excellent idea!” exclaimed Aleksander, glad Sydney had the wits to think of something Olivia wanted enough to stop her from continuing.

  “Oh, yes!” Olivia clapped her hands. “Daddy, can we go? Can we?”

  “Sure we can, Liv.”

  “The sky does look awfully gray out there,” Ava said, relieved for the reprieve. “So you’d better bundle up real good.”

  Olivia gasped with wonder the way only a little girl could.

  “She’ll be right back,” Sydney said. “Come on, Liv.”

  Aleksander let out a harsh breath and pulled Ava into his arms as Olivia hurried up the stairs toward her bedroom with the nurse behind her. “I’m so sorry for that.”

  “It’s all right.” Then she paused. “It actually is. It hurts but…it kind of felt good to talk about it. Almost freeing.”

  He tilted his head back surprised. “Oh, yeah?”

  She nodded.

  “I’m ready!” Olivia shouted from the top of the stairs as she made her way back into the living room.

  They sprang apart like teens who had been caught doing something naughty.

  Ava turned and focused on Olivia. She was wearing her white coat, buttoned up tight, hood up and tied.

  “Are you going somewhere?” her father asked.

  “We are.” Then her smile faded a bit as she looked at the adults. “We’re going to see Santa. Aren’t we? You said it was an excellent idea.”

  “Oh,” was all Aleksander could say. “Of course.”

  Olivia brightened. “Can we take Toddy?”

  “Sure.” Thinking father and daughter might enjoy some time alone, Ava said, “I’ll have some of my special bread baked when you come—”

  “I want you to come, Ava. Pleeeeeease?”

  The child’s pleading tone pulled at Ava’s most tender emotions. Without hesitating, she waved her arms, herding them both toward the front door. “Let’s do this!”

  Chapter 30

  The adults exited the car and as Aleksander closed the door, he looked across the roof at Ava, attaching the leash to Toddy’s collar.

  There had been something about her that morning when she told Olivia about Emma that made him want her even more.

  Olivia rapping on the window broke his wool-gathering. H
er voice was muffled as she urged, “Come on, Daddy.”

  “Sure, Pumpkin. Sure.” Taking his daughter in his arms, he followed after Ava.

  “Oh, wow, how pretty!”

  Aleksander had to smile when his daughter shouted out the very words that were racing through his head. Of course, Olivia was describing something totally different: colorful decorations hung from the trees, and the bushes were covered with nets of lighting, although they weren’t all that visible in the daytime. Santa waited in a small shed-like house where children could visit, tell him about their Christmas wish lists, and have their pictures taken.

  “The line is too big, Daddy,” said Olivia when Aleksander and Ava queued at the end of a serpentine long line.

  He looked at Ava for guidance, something that had become a habit and she winked at them before making her way to the beginning of the line.

  “Excuse me,” said Ava to the attendant helping Santa Claus. “Do you see that little girl at the end of the line in her father’s arms?”

  “Ah?” The attendant glanced to where Ava discretely pointed. Dressed in orange corduroy flare pants and a turtleneck pink sweater, the frail Olivia looked almost like any other not-so-healthy child, but for the wool cap covering her bald skull and the still shadowy circles beneath her eyes.

  When the attendant’s attention was back to Ava, she said, “Her immune system is jeopardized by chemotherapy and she’s susceptible to the smallest germs. Standing in line with the other children is not recommended. If you could let her go through?”

  “Oh, yes, of course.”

  Ava waved at them.

  As Olivia and Toddy went to talk to Santa, Aleksander’s gaze swept the large space and the line with his gaze and cringed at the tragic expressions of the adults as they looked at his daughter had her picture taken, sweetly accepted a candy cane—which she gave to Toddy, thinking he wasn’t looking—and then waved goodbye before joining her father and Ava.

  Their knee-jerk reactions were something he was familiar with, of course. Most people responded to her bald head and delicate appearance with the same startled and sympathetic look. Too bad practice didn’t make it any easier for him to witness.

  “You looked awfully serious in there while you talked to Santa,” Aleksander observed as they made their way to the pancake house.

  “I tried to make him understand what I wanted.” She issued a long-suffering sigh. “He doesn’t get things right very often.”

  “He’s got a lot of children to keep track of,” Ava pointed out.

  Ava smiled as father and daughter shared a look and rolled their eyes.

  “That’s not supposed to matter. He’s magical.” Olivia grinned dreamily. “I think maybe he needs to write things down. He should have a pencil and a notebook next to his chair.”

  Olivia was right at the age when children began questioning their belief in Santa, and it was no wonder; they were old enough to remember what they told Santa they wanted. When you asked for one thing yet found something entirely different under the tree, that would be enough to start anyone’s doubts churning.

  “Yes, you’re right. He probably should take notes.”

  After Ava and Olivia were seated and Toddy obediently lying down beneath the table, Aleksander excused himself and headed to the men’s bathroom, leaving the two of them alone.

  “Is everything alright?” Ava asked worried since Olivia’s mood had definitely changed from her customary smiles and giggles to gloomy.

  “I’m just thinkin’ about something, is all.” Olivia said.

  “You want to talk about it?”

  For several seconds, Olivia remained silent, but Ava noticed her rubbing her foot on Toddy’s fur.

  Just when Ava decided Olivia wasn’t going to confide in her about her thoughts, she asked an unexpected question. “Do you have any secrets?”

  She lifted a shoulder. “Everyone has a secret or two.”

  “I have a secret.”

  “Want to tell me?”

  “You tell me your secret first.”

  Laughter bubbled up from Ava’s throat. “Now that’s a challenge if ever I heard one. Okay, let’s see. Hmmm.” She lowered her tone. “Apart from my fear of spiders, I have an irrational fear of spaghetti.”

  That drew a smile from Olivia. “Spaghetti? Why is that?”

  “It reminds me of worms,” Ava said miserably.

  Olivia giggled. The utter glee on her face made Ava laugh too.

  “Okay, your turn,” Ava said. “Spill.”

  Olivia looked back over her shoulder, as if to make sure her father was nowhere near. “Promise not to tell?”

  “I won’t tell if you don’t want me to.” She probably shouldn’t have made such a promise, but it seemed important.

  “I’m worried about my daddy.” Olivia reached for one of Ava’s hands and held it firmly. “When I…go away, he’ll be all alone.”

  “Skatten min, your daddy is a very strong man.” Ava steeled herself with a deep breath.

  This wasn’t the first time she’d had this kind of talk with a child she took care of. More times than not, terminally ill children were more worried about their parents than they were for themselves.

  “He’ll be sad,” Ava said. “Very much so. That’s only natural. He loves you very much. But he’ll be okay. Honestly, he will.”

  Although Olivia remained dry-eyed, the magnitude of her agitation showed in Toddy’s now tightly coiled leash she held in her little hands.

  “Even if you go to Heaven,” Ava continued, “you’ll still be here, too.”

  Olivia pouted. “I can’t be in two places at once, silly.”

  Yeah, silly me. A sad smile pinched Ava’s features. “Your spirit will live on in your daddy’s heart. Do you understand?”

  “What did you do?” Olivia asked wide eyed. “When Emma went away. How were you? Did you cry? Were you lonely?”

  “I cried. I cried a lot.” She tilted her head to one side, thinking about the questions, wanting to give Olivia careful answers that would alleviate her fears. “I kept myself busy. I went back to medical school and decided to focus on all the good I could bring other kids. And I have friends: the nurses and doctors at the hospital. You, your father. I have a good life, Olivia. And your father will too.”

  “I’ve only seen Daddy cry once. And that was after Mommy’s funeral. I think he didn’t know I was awake…I hugged him hard as I could and told him I loved him madly and he stopped crying.” Olivia’s eyes lowered, two fat tears rolled down her cheeks, and in a whisper, she said, “I’m so tired, Ava. Sometimes, when I go to sleep I wish not to wake up anymore but I have never prayed for it because I don’t want to leave Daddy alone.”

  Kristus! Ava wrapped her arms around Olivia and hugged her tightly, swallowing the sobs that threatened to break away and blinking away the tears in her eyes. “Oh, Liv.”

  “Will you watch over my daddy?” she asked against Ava’s breasts. “Will you be his friend and not let him cry?”

  Without hesitation, Ava promised, “Of course, I will.”

  Aleksander hadn’t realized it, but he was once again enjoying the love for Christmas he’d once had and then lost along with losing Rachel. He loved the songs, the buzz in the shops, carols by candlelight, houses decorated with lights, Christmas trees and decorations, the sense of community in the air. For him, it truly was a magical time of year.

  Everywhere the three of them went—and in the last several days they had gone all around Lake Tahoe proper—people treated them as a family, and his friends who were already at Lake Tahoe treated him and Ava as a couple, even inviting them to dinner with them—invitations that were turned down summarily since he wouldn’t exchange a single minute with Olivia, who was in a happy mood and seemed to be in a healthier condition.

  He should be in heaven. He wasn’t.

  For this Christmas was also going to be bittersweet. Among all the magic, there was a lot of heartache. Yet, Olivia was happy and he w
ould enjoy each moment as best he could.

  “I wish we could have a Christmas wedding,” Olivia suddenly said from the back seat as Aleksander passed The Cottage gates.

  Aleksander looked like a deer caught in headlights as he watched his daughter on the rear mirror. “And why were you thinking about weddings?”

  “Cause brides are so beautiful. I’ve only been to aunt Hannah’s wedding.” Then she lifted both shoulders. “It was so beautiful.”

  Relief lightened Aleksander’s chuckle. “Yes, and you were the most beautiful flower-girl I have ever seen.”

  “I’m sure we could find something that could serve as your wedding gown,” Ava said. “One of your princess costumes, maybe?”

  “I…yeah, I could be the groom,” Aleksander suggested.

  “Ew! Daddy!” Olivia’s face squished at the idea. “That would be too weird.”

  “Oh.”

  Ava chuckled again when Aleksander actually looked disappointed.

  “So all of this thinking that you’re doing…does this mean you’re adding more things to your wish list?”

  “That depends,” she said.

  “On?”

  “Whether you’ll give them to me?” she said with an impish little grin, and his heart melted.

  “If it’s possible, you know I would give it to you, Liv.” Yes, he would gladly give her anything she asked for. If Olivia had wanted wings and embark on a voyage to distant planets on holidays, he would have found a way.

  But at that moment, he knew the only thing they both really needed was time.

  “Do you want to know what I asked Santa, Daddy?”

  “Yes, sure,” he said absentmindedly as he maneuvered the car in the garage.

  “I told him that before I go to heaven I want to see you marry again.”

  His heart fell into his stomach with a loud thud, making him sick. A sharp pain coursed through his chest. He laughed to disguise the ache in his heart. “And who would marry me, Liv?”

  Ava, who was looking backwards at the girl, suddenly felt a twinge of premonition, and knew exactly what was on her impish little mind.

  “Duh. Ava, of course.” Olivia smiled brightly. “Would you marry him, Ava?”