“That’s great. The only possible upside to a premature birth is that the delivery is usually a little easier on the moms because the babies are smaller.” Tami settled a hip against the bed. “You’ll probably get to leave tomorrow.”
“I hope you’re right. I’m ready to go home.”
“Just an FYI, in case you didn’t know it yet, you have five days to come up with a name for the baby,” Tami said. “Hopefully, it won’t take you that long. We like to have names to call the babies we work with in the NICU. Do you have any ideas?”
Grace stared at Tami for a moment before shaking her head. She knew her friend wasn’t going to cut her any slack when it came to the baby. “I hadn’t settled on anything. I thought I’d have a few more months.”
Tami nodded, an understanding expression on her face. “Unfortunately, you don’t have that time now, so you need to come up with a name soon.”
Though Grace wanted to protest the urgency of Tami’s words, she knew that in this particular case, Tami, no doubt, had the law on her side. “I’ll come up with something soon.”
“Maybe seeing the baby will help,” Tami said.
Grace had known that her friend would bring it up. For some reason, the nurse had cut her some slack on going to see the baby, but it didn’t appear that Tami was going to. “Maybe tomorrow. I’m tired right now.”
Tami took her hand. “I know this is hard for you, sweetie, but the baby is doing well. She’s breathing on her own and is a good weight. I know you’re worried that you’re going to lose her too, but the majority of babies born at this week in the pregnancy and at this weight, survive. Most with minimal issues. The odds are on your little girl’s side.”
“There are no guarantees,” Grace said, trying to ignore the tightness in her chest as she heard Tami talk about the—her—baby.
“You’re right, there aren’t, but you can’t live in fear. Your baby deserves more. She deserves to have her mother there with her.” Tami pushed away from the bed and retrieved something from the doorway. “For now, you need to pump. The baby needs it.”
Grace eyed the rolling cart as Tami pushed it closer. “Wouldn’t it be better to give her formula?”
“Nope. I mean, if you aren’t able to produce milk, or the baby’s not gaining weight, then formula is an excellent option. But if you’re able to pump, it would be good for her.”
“I don’t know about this,” she said.
“Lucky for you, I do know about this.” Tami approached the bed with a contraption that Grace wasn’t entirely sure about.
The next several minutes were a cross between a comedy of errors and emotional trauma. Finally, Tami had everything hooked up correctly and then told her to relax. That it would help with something called letdown.
Relax? Is she kidding?
Grace tried to take a deep breath but didn’t want to dislodge the stuff that they’d finally gotten into place. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. Tami continued to chat about random stuff. Christmas. Keenan. Her grandmother. Keenan. Christmas shopping. Keenan.
Thankfully, it seemed as if she didn’t expect any responses, and Grace found that she was, in fact, able to relax. Though it was all a rather awkward situation, she was kind of glad it was Tami who had helped her rather than a stranger.
“You might not get a lot right now, but it’s the good stuff, and your milk will come in soon,” Tami informed her as she began to disconnect her from the contraption. “You’ll need to get one of these for home too. You can pump in the nursery, and we’ll help you to breastfeed once the baby’s ready for that.”
Grace felt a weird sensation go through her at the thought. That seemed to demand a closeness Grace wasn’t sure she could handle, but she would cross that bridge when she got to it.
“You’ll need to pump again in a few hours,” Tami said as she finished putting everything away. “If you have trouble, the nurse can help you.”
“Thank you,” Grace said because even though she still wasn’t sure about the situation with the baby, she was grateful for Tami’s help.
Tami approached the bed and bent to take Grace’s face in her hands. “You’re welcome. But you need to see your little girl. She deserves to have her wonderful mama by her side.” She pressed a kiss to Grace’s forehead then straightened. “See you tomorrow.”
Left alone once again, Grace stared at the breast pump. How was she going to do this? The emotional tumult hadn’t calmed at all within her. It was quite possible that after talking to Tami, it was even worse. She knew that wasn’t Tami’s intention, but regardless, it was the result.
Right then, she wanted to sleep and claim the bliss of oblivion for just a little while.
Bennett sat beside Tristan the next morning in church, but his thoughts were on the little girl and her mom in a hospital a few miles away. He planned to head over there as soon as he was done at church. His folks had asked about visiting, but Bennett knew that they wouldn’t let them into the nursery, and if Grace was going to be coming home that day anyway, they might as well just wait.
He had no idea what he was going to say to Grace, but he knew that he somehow needed to convince her to see the baby. It no longer mattered how he felt about her. It didn’t matter how she felt about him. All that mattered was that she come to understand how important it was that she step up and be what her daughter needed her to be. She could grieve for Franklin and still be the mother her daughter needed. He knew she could do it. She just needed to believe that too.
Though he’d gone home the night before, he hadn’t slept particularly well, so he was still tired. As he listened to the sermon, he tried to follow along, but it was difficult. For the most part, he felt that he was calm in the face of most stressful situations. He and Ryan both tended to be that way. However, he felt anything but calm when he thought of the situation with Grace and her baby.
“Did you need someone to go with you?” Tristan asked as they stood outside the sanctuary once the service was over.
Bennett shouldn’t have been surprised that Tristan had picked up on his anxiety. “I think I’ll be okay, but thank you.” He slipped an arm around Tristan’s shoulders and gave him a quick squeeze.
“I’ll be praying for you.”
Bennett appreciated his words more than ever because of the tension and unease he felt. As he drove away from the church a short time later, he felt the urge to turn around and go home. He had no idea what kind of reception he’d receive from Grace, but if she wasn’t able to be there for her baby, then he was going to be.
He’d prayed through the night that Grace would have gone to see the baby, maybe even given her a name. The nurse had assured him that they would take her to the NICU if she expressed an interest, so he hoped that had happened. That would definitely be the best-case scenario.
When he arrived at the nursery, he found Tami was working. Unfortunately, she gave him a rueful shake of her head when he asked if Grace had been there.
“I stopped to see her last night before going home, but she was still not willing to accept that her little girl was a strong fighter. On the positive side, though, she hasn’t resisted pumping milk for the baby and continued to do it through the night. I would count that as a step in the right direction.”
After he had washed up, Tami brought him over to the isolette where the baby was. As he gazed down at her, clad only in a diaper and a cap on her head with wires attached to various parts of her body, Bennett hoped that Grace at least named her soon. She might just end up with a daughter whose nickname was Baby since that’s what they were having to think of her as.
“So, she’s still doing okay?” Bennett asked.
“Better than okay. She’s tolerated the milk that Grace pumped, and her weight is stable. She’s still breathing on her own, and we should be able to step her down from the CPAP to oxygen in the isolette soon.”
Bennett knew that Tami would give it to him straight, so he was happy to hear positive things from her. �
��How long until she’s able to come home?”
“I can’t give you a definite date. For babies born really premature, it can take until their due date or later for them to be able to go home. Other babies who aren’t quite so premature can be strong enough to go home a bit before then. I would say that she’ll be here—depending on her weight and ability to continue to breathe on her own, among other things—a minimum of seven to eight weeks.”
Bennett let out a quick breath. That seemed like an eternity, but perhaps it was an eternity they needed in order for Grace to come around. Distancing herself from the baby while she was in the nursery was one thing, but it wasn’t something that could continue once she got home. The baby would need Grace more than ever then.
26
After spending a bit more time with the baby, Bennett made his way to Grace’s room. When he got there, he found the nurse from the day before was on shift again and was talking to Grace.
“Are they releasing you?” he asked as he came to a stop next to the bed.
Grace was dressed and seated on the edge of the bed. She looked up at him and nodded. “Yes. I’ve passed all the tests necessary for me to leave the hospital.”
“I’ll be right back with a few last-minute instructions for you,” the nurse said then slipped out of the room.
“Do you want to go by the nursery before we go?” Bennett didn’t want to pressure her right then, but he wanted to give her the chance.
Her gaze dropped to the floor, and she shook her head. “I want to go home.”
Having already prepared himself for that answer, Bennett didn’t argue. There would come a time for that in the near future, but the hospital wasn’t the best place for that discussion. “Do you have everything you need?”
“The nurse is bringing me some information then we can go,” Grace said as she slid to her feet. “Thank you for giving me a ride home.”
“You’re welcome. I was already here, so it worked out.”
She glanced at him as the meaning of his words seemed to dawn on her. Before she said anything, the nurse returned with a packet that she gave to Grace. “Just remember that you have four days left to name your little girl.”
Grace nodded and added the envelope to her bag which Tami must have brought in for her since Bennett knew she’d come into hospital with nothing. He waited while they finished talking and then the nurse pushed a wheelchair close to where Grace stood.
Though Grace gave it a bit of a look, she got into it without question. Bennett took her bag from her and walked beside the wheelchair to the elevator and then to the entrance.
“Do you want to just wait here while I get the truck?” he asked.
Grace shook her head. “I don’t mind walking. Just have to go a little slow right now.”
They walked in silence as they left the hospital and headed down the sidewalk and across the street to the parking structure. Once there, Bennett paid for his parking then they took the elevator to the floor where he’d parked. He helped her up into the truck, realizing then that it might not have been the most comfortable vehicle to bring.
Bennett started up the truck but didn’t pull out of the parking spot. “Everything okay?”
“Yep.”
He let the worship music he’d been listening to on the way to the hospital fill the cab of the truck. This version of Grace was even more subdued than usual. It hurt his heart to see her like that, especially when he knew that there was something in her life that could bring her so much joy, but she didn’t want to embrace it. Thankfully, the baby was too young to understand that of all the gentle hands touching her, none were her mother’s.
That needed to change. And unfortunately, he was the one who was going to have to try to make her change.
Bennett had a sick feeling in his stomach, knowing that of all the people in Grace’s life, he was the most expendable. He was going to have to be the one to risk—and likely lose—his friendship with her in hopes of getting her to accept her daughter. That thought hurt, but accepting that ahead of time would hopefully make it bearable.
Once they got to the apartment building, Bennett carried her bag up to her apartment. After Grace had opened the door, Bennett followed her in and set her bag down.
“Tami gave me information on where to go to rent a breast pump for you. I’m going to take care of that now.”
“You don’t need to do that,” Grace protested as she lifted a hand to brush a strand of hair off her face. “I can take care of it later.”
“I think it would be better if I just picked it up for you now. It will save you from having to go out.” Bennett moved toward the doorway. “I’ll be back in a bit.”
Grace frowned but nodded. “Thank you.”
“Did you need anything else?”
“No. I think I have what I need.”
Bennett left the apartment and jogged back down the stairs to his truck. He reviewed the instructions that Tami had given him. She’d phoned around and found a place that had a pump available to rent. She said she’d talked with Grace about how to use it and how to handle what she pumped, so all Bennett had to do was go and pick up the pump.
He was happy to do this for Grace. Bennett had a feeling that it might be the last thing he was going to be able to do for her. When he got back to the apartment, he was going to have a talk with her. He knew it wasn’t the greatest timing, but she needed to face this situation. She needed to step up and embrace her role as mommy. And if she was going to be mad at anyone for being blunt about things, better it be him rather than Makayla or Tami. She needed their support right then.
The process to rent the machine was fairly smooth, and it wasn’t long before he was on his way back to the apartment and Grace.
Grace wandered around the apartment. Things still looked the same as they had twenty-four hours ago and yet, once again, everything had changed. She lifted a hand to her heart, clutching at the fabric of the T-shirt she wore.
She wanted to retreat to her room and crawl into bed, pretend that nothing had happened. That the life she had carried within her didn’t hang in the balance. Her hand slid to her stomach. She still had a bit of a bulge, but the firmness was gone, and her heart clenched at the loss.
With a shaky sigh, she walked toward the bedroom, pausing as she passed the room that was going to be the baby’s nursery. It was still empty. She had never put anything into the room. When she’d moved in, she could have put some of the boxes there to store them, but she’d somehow just not felt right doing that. She hadn’t been ready to set it up as a nursery, but she couldn’t deny what the room was intended for. Grief and fear filled her heart.
What if she never had the chance to use it for its intended purpose?
She turned away from the empty nursery and headed for her bedroom. Moving slowly, she stripped the sheets off the bed and replaced them with clean ones. After she had shoved the dirty sheets into the washer, she replaced the towels in the bathroom. Even though she was moving slowly, at least she felt like she was getting something done.
All the while, she had an uneasy feeling about being alone. She’d been alone since Franklin’s death, but after she’d found out she was pregnant, she’d once again had someone with her. Whether she’d been happy about it or not.
A knock on the door jerked her from her thoughts. Bracing herself for another interaction with Bennett, Grace opened the door. He stepped into the apartment carrying a couple of bags. She closed the door as he walked over to the table and put the bags down.
“Here are the instructions that came with the machine, and you need to have your own collection kit.” He pulled something out of the plastic bag and put it on the table. “Tami said she’ll pick up what you pump and take it in on her shift.”
“Okay. Thank you.” She watched him place his hand on the back of one of the dining room chairs. He had on a pair of black slacks and a dark blue turtleneck under his leather jacket which he’d likely worn to church. He looked tired, and hi
s lips were pulled tight.
“The thing is, you need to be the one taking the milk to the baby, Grace.” His voice didn’t waver even though he sounded tired.
She didn’t want to hear what he was saying. “Maybe in a few days.”
Bennett leaned toward her a bit. “No, you need to do it today. You need to go back there this afternoon. You need to see her. Touch her. She’s your daughter, Grace. She needs you.”
Grace automatically shook her head. “I can’t do that, Bennett. I can’t get attached to someone else who could die on me.”
“She could live,” Bennett said with determination. “She’s going to live.”
“You can’t guarantee that,” Grace said, anger beginning to course through her. “You can’t guarantee that everything is going to be okay.”
“No, I can’t, but that little girl needs you. It doesn’t matter if she lives past your own death or if she dies in three days. You are her mother. You need to be there.”
Grace’s hands tightened into fists. “This doesn’t concern you, Bennett. It’s not like you’re her father. You have no right to tell me what to do.”
Bennett’s expression tightened. Something that looked an awful lot like hurt flashed across his features, but it was gone so quickly, she wasn’t sure.
“It does concern me, Grace. More than you know.” Bennett paused, his brow furrowing. “I love you. And I love that little girl.”
Grace felt her heart stop for a beat then begin to pound again at an alarming rate. He loved her? Like really loved her? She’d suspected that he had feelings for her a long time ago, but she hadn’t thought that was still the case after she’d married Franklin, and Bennett had gone on to date other women.
“I can’t…I won’t love you, Bennett. That’s never going to happen.” Grace watched his face for any reaction, but he remained stoic. Her heart hurt from the words she’d said to him. “It can’t.”
Bennett straightened. “You’re living your life in fear, Grace. You need to let that go.”
Grace needed the conversation to end. She needed for him to leave her alone. Her heart was hurting, and she just wanted to be alone with her pain. “Isn’t it rather selfish of you to tell me that? I mean, it’s not like you don’t have an ulterior motive. But my husband hasn’t even been gone a year. Why do you think I’d be even remotely interested in another relationship so soon?”
For the Love of Grace: A Christian Romance (The Callaghans & McFaddens Book 2) Page 23