So Feral!

by J A Mawter

  ‘Geoffrey, dear …’ began his father.

  The alarm bells went into overdrive.

  ‘We knew it would come to this one day and now that day is here. We’ve decided that Caterina will have this room for her own room …’

  ‘And you can sleep on the verandah,’ finished Mr Polo.

  Geoff jumped to his feet, as quickly as you can leap up from a beanbag. ‘But this is our room! You can’t kick me out. That’s not fair!’

  Mrs Polo filled the doorframe, her arms rigid by her sides. ‘I wish we had the space so you could each have your own room, but we don’t. Your father and I have talked about this, Geoffrey. Caterina needs her own room. You will sleep on the verandah.’

  ‘But that’s not a room. It’s outside! People can see in.’

  ‘We’ll put blinds up,’ said Mrs Polo. ‘Or curtains,’ said Mr Polo.

  ‘When it rains I’ll get wet!’ Geoff spotted Princess Pruneface hovering outside his — their — er, her bedroom door. Smiling and blowing kisses, she came inside, reminding Geoff of Cruella de Vil.

  ‘Outta my room, buster,’ spat Caterina as she pranced over to the mirror. Picking up the world’s smallest brush she began combing her eyebrows. ‘Like golden angel wings!’ she said, her words as soft as a sigh.

  Geoff rolled his eyes and looked at his father.

  ‘But, Dad!’

  Mrs Polo butted in. ‘Nothing you say can change things, young man. Caterina needs her privacy. This weekend you will pack and move to the verandah.’

  Mr Polo looked sympathetically at his son. He said, ‘When we’ve got the money we’ll get it glassed in.’

  Geoff looked at the row of determined faces.

  ‘But …’

  ‘Any more arguments and you’ll be on washing-up duty for the rest of the year,’ growled Mrs Polo.

  ‘Put him on it now, Mum!’ said a gloating Caterina.

  Geoff gritted his teeth. Caterina was getting her privacy, but what about him? Anyone passing could see into the verandah. He may as well live in a zoo.

  ‘It’s not fair,’ Geoff said later that afternoon when Rob, his friend, called in. He looked at the kite strung above his bed and the mounted tarantula on his side of the wall. Geoff thumped hard on his pillow.

  ‘Life sucks!’ agreed Rob, also thumping the pillow to show his sympathy.

  ‘Wish I never had a sister,’ growled Geoff, flinging his pillow in frustration. It skimmed along Caterina’s bed and skidded to a halt beside a book. ‘Stupid Book of Spells,’ said Geoff, rubbing the graze it had left on his back and taking a swipe at it, too.

  The book fell off the bed and landed with a clack on the floor, open at page 57. At the top of the page an eye stared out.

  ‘What’s that?’ asked Rob, peering closer.

  ‘It’s Princess Pruneface’s Book of Spells,’ explained Geoff, thinking that the eye looked a lot like his sister’s — demented. ‘She’s been trying to find a spell to make herself beautiful. Someone should tell her she’s the Queen of the Uglies.’

  Rob laughed, picked up the book and peered at the heading on the top of the page. ‘The Art of Ev-an-esc-ence,’ he read.

  ‘The art of what?’ asked Geoff.

  ‘Ev-an-esc-ence,’ repeated Rob.

  ‘Wonder what that means,’ said Geoff, grabbing a dictionary off the bookshelf.

  Rob shrugged. ‘You tell me.’

  Geoff began flicking through pages, then looked at Rob, who was still holding the Book of Spells. ‘Evanescence. How do you spell it?’

  Chapter Three

  ‘Evanescence. The art of making things disappear,’ said Geoff a few moments later. He looked up, his frown flipping into a smile. ‘Maybe I can make Pruneface disappear!’

  ‘Spells!’ exclaimed Rob. ‘Mumbo jumbo.’

  Before Geoff could answer, they were interrupted by a, ‘When this room is mine I’m going to paint it, and you won’t have a say in the colour. I’m going to paint it fuchsia!’

  ‘See what I have to put up with?’ said Geoff, rolling his eyes. He took the Book of Spells from Rob and hid it under his shirt. ‘C’mon.’ He gestured at the door. ‘Let’s go.’

  Caterina flounced into the room, slamming the door as they departed.

  ‘This might be my only hope of dumping my sister and getting my room back,’ muttered Geoff, bending over the book in the back yard.

  Rob shrugged. ‘It’s crap. Spells don’t work. Face it. You’re doomed to a life with Pruneface, even if it’s not in the same room.’

  Ignoring him, Geoff started to read out loud. ‘How to make your homework disappear.’ He looked up. ‘Tempting.’

  ‘Very,’ agreed Rob.

  Geoff grinned. ‘How to make your whole school disappear. That would be better.’

  ‘Yeah!’ Despite himself, Rob laughed.

  Using his finger as a guide Geoff read down the list. Pimples, cellulite, warts. There was a spell to get rid of everything. Geoff frowned as he was nearing the bottom of the index. Suddenly, he jabbed at a line of print. ‘There!’ he said. ‘How to make annoying people disappear.’ He beamed at Rob, turning to page 72 as fast as his fingers could take him. ‘This is it. I wonder what you need?’

  Rob leant over and began to read out loud. ‘Eye of beaut —’

  Geoff laughed and interrupted. ‘Newt, you mean. I’ve rehearsed that scene for a school play. Macbeth.’

  ‘Newt?’ asked Rob, peering at the book to check the word.

  Geoff put on a high-pitched crackly witch’s voice. ‘Eye of newt —’ he began.

  ‘Beaut!’ exclaimed Rob, pointing at the word. ‘It says beaut. Besides, newt sounds like a suss word.’ He grinned. ‘A bit like girt.’

  Geoff laughed. They’d been arguing about the words in the National Anthem only last week. ‘A newt is a lizard, der-brain.’

  ‘Lizard, shmizard!’ said Rob, jamming his finger on the page. ‘It says, “Eye of beaut”!’

  Geoff peered at the spell. ‘You’re right,’ he said simply and sat back.

  Rob continued. ‘Eye of beaut, and toe of mog.’

  ‘Frog,’ corrected Geoff.

  ‘No, mog!’ yelled Rob, giving Geoff a stern look. He went back to the book. ‘Eye of beaut and toe of mog. Wool of rat —’

  ‘Can’t be,’ said Geoff, shaking his head. ‘Rats don’t have wool. You sure it’s not bat? Wool of bat?’

  By now Rob was losing his patience. He pushed the book at Geoff. ‘Here. You read it.’

  But Geoff didn’t take the book. He was lost in thought, mumbling things like, ‘Wool of … numbat? Meerkat? Maybe wombat?’

  ‘What about ding-bat!’ said Rob. ‘Suits you.’

  Geoff smiled. ‘Sorry. But this spell doesn’t sound right.’ He shook his head as if to clear his doubts. ‘Let’s read it together, shall we?’

  ‘Eye of beaut and toe of mog,

  Wool of rat and tongue of hog.’

  ‘Tongue of hog? Toe of mog?’ said Rob, pushing the book away and standing up. ‘Where are you going to get a pig and a cat from?’

  Geoff shrugged. ‘I don’t know … yet.’

  ‘What about the rat?’ Rob persisted.

  ‘I’ll find one. Catch one. Buy one, if I have to.’

  Rob waved his hand dismissively at the book. ‘Why would you need all those things anyway?’

  ‘It’s a spell, stupid!’

  ‘Stupid spell, if you ask me.’

  Geoff sat quietly, mulling over the items he’d need for the spell.

  ‘The easiest one is the moggie,’ Rob blurted. ‘There’s one next door to us you can borrow.’ His brow creased. ‘But how you’re going to cut off its toe is beyond me …’

  Taking Rob by surprise, Geoff leapt to his feet. ‘I’ve got it! I know how to do this spell!’

  Chapter Four

  That night Geoff lay in his room, biding his time, waiting for the moment he could start collecting the things he needed for his spell.

  Cat
erina was taking hours to get ready for bed. First she brushed her eyebrows, shaping them into graceful arches. Then she brushed her hair — ten thousand times. Then she had to choose her clothes for the following day. It was a mufti day and she wanted to look stunning.

  ‘The peach or the watermelon?’ she asked, holding up two tops to Geoff.

  ‘I prefer banana,’ said Geoff, keeping his face straight.

  Frowning, Caterina said, ‘Yellow? I don’t think I’ve got any yellow. The closest I might have is lemon.’

  A muscle jerked in and out in Geoff’s cheeks. He would have liked to tell his sister what she could do with her lemon but knew better than to inflame the situation. The quicker he could help Caterina decide, the quicker she would get to bed. Taking a long, deep breath Geoff said, ‘Wear the lemon, then.’

  Ten outfits later the lemon top and a matching pair of pants were draped over Caterina’s schoolbag and Geoff breathed a small sigh of relief. The room looked like a clearance sale clothing bin.

  Next, Caterina tackled her face. This wasn’t easy as she wore contact lenses. To get off the mascara on one eye she had to remove the lens, then put it back in to see properly while she did the other side. This way, litres of make-up were painstakingly stripped away.

  ‘Your eyes are all squiggled with red,’ said Geoff when she had finished. ‘They look like those floating eyeballs in key rings.’

  Caterina ignored him, murmuring, ‘Moisturiser,’ and humming to herself. When she had finished, she carefully removed her contact lenses and placed them in some special solution on her bedside table.

  ‘Haven’t you forgotten something?’ asked Geoff, pointing to her forehead when she’d finished.

  ‘What?’ Caterina peered at her image in the mirror. ‘My eyebrows are perfect.’

  ‘Spack filler!’

  Caterina closed her eyes. She started taking deep breaths — very deep breaths. ‘Three days and counting,’ was her reply.

  Three days till Geoff couldn’t scratch himself without the neighbours knowing! Under the covers his fingers curled into fists.

  Caterina started to read. Geoff lay still, the light boring through his closed eyelids. He glanced at the alarm clock. Ten thirty-nine!

  ‘It’s late!’ he snarled. ‘What about your beauty sleep? Don’t want our angel-wing eyebrows to droop, do we?’

  Caterina kept reading.

  He must have drifted off, because when Geoff next woke the clock said twelve-o-five.

  A distinctive, ‘Hhhaaaagh, whoooh! Hhhhhaggh, whooogh!’ filled the air.

  Caterina lay on her back, her mouth agape. With each whooogh, flecks of spit pooled at the corners, glistening in the moonlight. Every now and then, one would fill with air, expanding like a bubble. Geoff lay for a while, watching one bubble expand and contract. With each breath, it was getting bigger.

  ‘One, two, three …’ Geoff started to count, guessing that at eight the bubble would pop, ‘… six, seven …’

  Ping!

  A crown of droplets cascaded down, leaving a ring of spit on Caterina’s face.

  Geoff held his breath, praying she would not wake.

  ‘Hha — hha — hhhaaaagh, whoooh.’

  Amazing I ever get any sleep, thought Geoff. He toyed with the idea of stuffing a sock in her mouth but thought better of it. For what he was about to do, Caterina needed to be asleep.

  For what he was about to do! What he was about to do could get him into serious trouble. Geoff thought of the spell. He thought of losing his room to Pruneface. Trouble or not, his mind was made up.

  Satisfied that Caterina was asleep, Geoff got out of bed and waded through the pile of clothes on the floor till he stood over her bedside table. He looked at Caterina, still blowing bubbles. It was time to get the first thing for the spell — the eye of beaut.

  ‘I spy with my little eye,’ whispered Geoff. Leaning over her bed, he steadied his hand, took aim and used his finger as a scoop.

  The wetness came as a shock but it was the fact that he met so little resistance to his tugging that took Geoff most by surprise.

  Caterina lay there, dead to the world, liquid pooling on her face.

  As silently as he’d come, Geoff crept back to bed.

  ‘Item one,’ he whispered, clutching the wet, squishy object. ‘Success.’

  Chapter Five

  The next morning when Geoff walked back into the bedroom after his shower, he stopped before he had even walked through the door. There were red and pink and orange splotches all over the bedroom mirror. Some were scattered around the glass while others were in patterns. If he looked real close, they were flowers and stars.

  Is this some sort of psychedelic dream like hippies sing about? Geoff wondered. He blinked. No, the shapes were still there.

  And multiplying.

  Thanks to Caterina, who did not realise he had come in.

  Geoff stood still, trying to stifle a giggle. He watched, fascinated, as Caterina reached for a lipstick (mulberry), applied it to her lips, then started to kiss the mirror.

  What is it with Pruneface and that mirror? he wondered.

  Petal followed petal, calling for the most amazing contortionist act to reach the top. Yet another flower bloomed next to the others.

  ‘What are you doing?’ asked Geoff.

  ‘Oh!’ Caterina dropped the lipstick, leaving a dark red gash on the chest of drawers. ‘Get out, you creep,’ she yelled, snatching a handful of tissues and lunging at the kisses. ‘You didn’t knock!’

  Furiously, Caterina started to rub. She rubbed and scrubbed. Streaks of red blended with orange then pink as Caterina scrambled to hide the evidence.

  ‘You were kissing the mirror!’ exclaimed Geoff, shaking his head. ‘Now I’ve seen everything.’

  ‘You prying, interfering loser!’ yelled Caterina. ‘I’ll tell Mum.’

  ‘Go ahead,’ said Geoff with a smile. ‘This’ll be good. My love affair with a mirror.’

  ‘Two days and one night,’ said Caterina, flouncing out of the room with as much dignity as she could muster. ‘Then you’re outta here. I can’t wait!’

  Geoff sat on his bed, studying the smears and swirls she’d left behind in her haste. Lip outlines could still be seen. One in particular caught his eye.

  Lip prints, thought Geoff. I wonder if they’re used by the police for evidence?

  He reached for a tissue and lay it over the top of the print, gently applying pressure.

  The most amazing, fantastic idea began to form …

  When Geoff got home from school he raced into the kitchen and raided the cupboard. Honey, jam and peanut butter made their way onto the bench. A handful of teaspoons followed. With a furtive glance over his shoulder to make sure he was alone, he slipped out of the kitchen and headed for his and Caterina’s room.

  Someone had cleaned the mirror. There was not a smudge in sight.

  We’ll soon fix that, thought Geoff. Reaching for a jar and spoon, he started to carry out his plan.

  Jam-flavoured roses stood beside honey-twinkling stars — both outlined with peanut butter. Geoff worked quickly, aware that all too soon Caterina would be arriving. His parents he did not have to worry about. They worked late on Fridays.

  Geoff heard the front door open. He looked at his handiwork. ‘This better work,’ he said to the mirror. Scooping up the jars and spoons, he thrust them in his schoolbag and hurled it under the bed so that Caterina would not know he was home. Then he hid behind the door.

  Right on cue, Caterina walked into their room. ‘Oh, my God!’ she said, eyeing the mirror and throwing her schoolbag on the bed at the same time.

  From his vantage point behind the door, Geoff watched as she peered at the mirror. The sweet aroma of strawberry jam and honey filled the air, combined with the pungent smell of peanut butter. Geoff’s mouth started to water. There hadn’t been time for his afternoon snack!

  Hunger got to Caterina, too. A deep growl rumbled from her tummy and echoed aroun
d the room. She stood at the mirror, licking her lips.

  C’mon, willed Geoff. Do it!

  Caterina looked from the door to the mirror to the door, a questioning look on her face. She hesitated, calling, ‘Geoffrey?’ Then louder, ‘Geoff!’

  Geoff froze. But then he saw Caterina relax when there was no answer.

  ‘Stupid Geoff’s been copying me,’ she said to her reflection as she dipped her finger in the honey and started to lick it off.

  Yes! thought Geoff, watching with bated breath.

  Unable to resist, Caterina leant up to the mirror. Geoff watched as a rose disappeared under the pink tip of her tongue. From the rose the tongue slid to a star. In, out, in, out, went her tongue, working its way through the smorgasbord. It reminded Geoff of a dog licking a bowl.

  Sometimes Caterina just flicked the surface and other times she sucked so hard her tongue was flattened and spread out.

  Like a sea snail on the glass of an aquarium, thought Geoff.

  The red jam mingled with the peanut butter and honey till it was one big multi-coloured blur. The mirror could barely be seen.

  Waiting for this exact moment Geoff stepped out from behind the door.

  Caterina did not notice him, so intent was she on her licking.

  ‘Uh, hmmm,’ said Geoff, clearing his throat. ‘Hungry, are we?’

  ‘Ohhhh!’ wailed Caterina, whirling around. There was jam on her nose, honey on her chin and blobs of peanut butter everywhere. Using her hand to conceal her face, Caterina fled.

  ‘Gotcha,’ said Geoff to her retreating back and reaching for a tissue. He turned and examined the mirror. In no time at all he found what he was looking for. With care he lay the tissue on the surface of the mirror, blotting up the contents. Next, he held it up to the light.

  Perfect. Item two for the spell!

  Chapter Six

  ‘Whatcha looking for?’ asked Rob, ten minutes later when he found Geoff outside in the carport.

  ‘Clippers,’ said Geoff.

  ‘What for?’ asked Rob.

  ‘The spell,’ said Geoff, willing Rob to go away and let him get on with the job.