Blind Devotion (Steel Jackals MC Book 1)

by Nancy Haviland

  Nina shrugged. “Because I spent a lot of time in that clubhouse before my dad retired in good standing—I can’t believe I feel obligated to add that stupid distinction every time I mention his retirement. Hell, I still can’t believe he gave up all the free pu— I mean, I can’t believe he retired after my—” She cleared her throat. “Anyway, I know what goes on in that place.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder and avoided mentioning her mom’s death as she always did. “A whole lotta fucking, and, occasionally, some other stuff. And what’s not casual about sex? It’s a body part entering another body part until both owners of said body parts feel real good. No one else has any respect for the act, why should I? It’s really no big deal.”

  “If that’s true, why haven’t you done it more?”

  “Haven’t found a guy whose body part I can stomach. Patrick’s was okay,” she commented, sounding too casual about her ex. “But would have been nicer if he hadn’t been shoving it into two other girls while he was shoving it into me. Fucking stupid ass cheating bastard. I swear, if I had a Daddy like Josh, I’d have sent him in to tear off that overused dick. And I’d have stood there and watched while he slapped the shit out of the asshole with it.”

  A buzz of shock flew down Tish’s spine. “Josh isn’t my Daddy!”

  Nina rolled her eyes. “I know that. I meant it in the sexy way, like, come here, Daddy, and show this fucker what you’re made of.”

  “You think calling a guy Daddy is sexy?” Would Nina be so blasé about calling one master? Maybe Tish had made it an issue for nothing.

  Nina shrugged and looked over her shoulder before changing lanes. “Depends on the guy. Josh? Hell, yeah. Look at him. His stupid VP? Fuck, no. He’s a jerk. I’m sorry that he’s your uncle, but Nick is a crude, sex-crazed, leering asshole.”

  “Excuse me. He is my much-loved uncle, so shut it. And how ironic is it that you talk like this, yet you think he’s the crude one.” She ignored the rest of the insults because she wasn’t comfortable giving someone hell even when they deserved it.

  “I talk like this around you because you’re my Tish. He’s crude no matter who’s there to overhear.” She reached out and turned the stereo down as she shifted in her seat. “He came into the shop the other day, again, and my dad was out. Of course, he didn’t leave. He hung around and got in my way for more than an hour. Kept asking if I needed a hand identifying the proper tools to use to rotate a set of tires. Jackass. You know what he said to me when he finally got on that lame-ass, gorgeous bike of his?”

  Tish groaned inside. She knew Nick enjoyed baiting Nina and never passed on the opportunity. “What?”

  Nina lowered her voice and added some gravel to mimic Nick’s. “‘When are you gonna stop hiding the fact that you’re a fuckin’ girl, Darkness? Your old man has a daughter, give the guy a break and start acting like one.’ Can you believe that? Darkness,” she scoffed. “Stupidest nickname ever. They’re like little kids with those things. What does Josh call you?”

  “Uh, honey? Babe? Oh, and he’s called me Tish-Tosh since I was, like, ten.”

  “Yeah, well, that’s cute. Darkness is a noun for Christ sake’s.”

  Tish laughed. “So? It fits. Look at you.”

  “Thing is, I don’t think he’s referring to my hair. I think he’s referring to something inside me.”

  Tish sobered, thinking the same.

  “Anyway,” Nina said with a funny motion in front of her chest that looked as if she were trying to shoo away the lingering black fog that had been present since her mom’s death, “What about the sexist comment? What, because I can fix a car, I’m not a girl?” She shook her head. “Plain and simple? He’s a dick. I swear, guys are such disrespectful jackoffs. Disloyal and weak, too.”

  “Not all of them are, Nina. And why do you care so much what Nick thinks?” She was beginning to wonder if her best friend had a tiny love/hate crush on her uncle, like so many other women did.

  Her now-blushing friend glanced over and straightened her back. “I don’t,” she said, utterly calm now. “Was just sayin’. You’re the one who brought him up. So, tell me about this almost sex you had with Daddy Josh. Did he kiss you?”

  “Don’t call him that.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it sounds inappropriate.” Tish waved at Brian as they pulled into the parking lot behind the bar. He was hanging near his car smoking. The guy drove like a maniac.

  “Oh, so that means he either touched your boobs or your cooch. Which was it? Or was it both? Because calling him Daddy, otherwise, would be no big.”

  “Both.”

  “Oooh, tell me everything. Like how in Sam hell this came about. We both know you’re in love with him, but I had no idea he was lusting after you, too. Does this mean we can stop pretending with each other? I don’t know why you’ve never admitted your feelings to me. It isn’t like I didn’t know you had them.”

  Tish shrugged, embarrassed to be called out on her avoidance. “If I admitted to being in love with him, I would have had to suffer through a public humiliation when nothing came of it.”

  “Public humiliation. In front of me. Get real. We’ve been friends forever, Tish. I’d have helped you nurse your broken heart, not enjoyed the fact that a guy gave you one.” Nina patted her hand as she pulled into an empty spot at the side of the building. The shady patio only had one table of crazies willing to brave the heat. “Now, spill. How hot for you is he?”

  Swallowing the emotion that was riding up her throat, Tish shrugged. “I’m not so sure he is anymore. I mean, I thought he was, but everything was so overwhelming and chaotic on Friday. I didn’t know if I was coming or going. I ended up doing neither when he stormed out after saying he wouldn’t fuck me like a wild animal for my first time. He didn’t come back. He didn’t even call. That was almost three days ago.”

  Nina sighed. “I think I love him a little for being such a sweetheart underneath that me-Tarzan thing he has going on. Wouldn’t have expected that. I’d have thought he’d be more selfish and gone ahead and mauled your smokin’ bod without thought. Guys are pigs. I’m so glad Josh is an exception. Or, at least I hope he is.”

  The layer of disgust that accompanied the half-hearted compliment was depressing. Nina had changed so much since her mom had died from breast cancer last year. Which was completely understandable since the two had had the type of mother/daughter relationship Tish hadn’t been aware existed until she’d started hanging out at Nina’s house. But it was the disparaging attitude her friend now had toward men that Tish found confusing. It would have been understandable if it had developed after Patrick cheated on her, but it hadn’t surfaced until months and months later. Now, Nina had a full-blown hate-on for the entire gender.

  After having fixated all weekend about where Josh might have spent the weekend, Tish suddenly didn’t blame her in the least. “I think Josh may have pulled a Patrick by going to someone else to take the edge off, and will now expect me to welcome him back and be grateful he didn’t cause my pussy to hurt from entering me too fast.” She held her backpack tight against her chest. “I’m such a fucking idiot, Nina. Really. One minute I’m freaking out, hating him, wondering who he’s with, and the next I’m praying he’s okay and just trying to breathe without him. Does that sound fucked up to you?”

  Nina screwed her mouth up and nodded. “Yeah. But I already knew you were a little weirdo.” She pulled Tish into an affectionate hug. “See? This is why it’s safer not to bother. No offense against Josh, but I honestly believe you’re setting yourself up for disappointment when you get involved with one of those guys.”

  That opinion was surprising, considering Nina’s dad had been “one of those guys” for almost thirty years. Before his wife died, not a bad thing could be said about Teddy Samson. Now? Nina was lumping him in with the rest of the men out there, and he wasn’t good for anything.

  Nina drew back first and gave Tish a sympathetic look. Then she shrugged. “Okay, listen
, maybe not Josh. He is slightly different than the others. When it comes to you, anyway. I mean, how many of the boys would walk out on a ready and willing woman because he was afraid of hurting her? Try none. He placed your welfare over a man’s greatest driving force; his dick. It’s always been obvious that he cares about you, so it fits. Hey, maybe he’s madly in love with you, and he’s been wasting away in prison all this time, freaking out at the thought of you finding someone else before he could come back and claim you.” She sighed and looked almost happy. “Wouldn’t that be cool?”

  Tish fell in love with the scenario but was slightly shocked it had come from Nina. “It didn’t feel so cool the other night. Did you know being turned on could hurt?” she asked curiously.

  Nina arched a brow. “Hurt? Like, it caused you pain?”

  She nodded. “My muscles wouldn’t relax. Way up high in my—” She blinked, and even though Nina was totally engrossed, Tish blushed like an ass. “Too much information, right? Sorry.”

  “No.” Nina touched her arm. “Tell me. You know I don’t mind information. Maybe someday I’ll feel it instead of just hearing about it. With a woman, though.” She winked. “Because dick isn’t my thing anymore.”

  “You’d make a gorgeous lesbian. And, yeah, really deep inside, it felt like I was in knots. Now I understand why they call it need.” She smoothed her skirt down her thighs, feeling edgy. “I needed to have sex. It would have been so exciting feeling like that had he stayed.”

  “I’ll bet.” Nina settled back in her seat. “I never felt that with Pat. But then, how could I? The only reason I let him fuck me was because I didn’t want him to break up with me. That’s what pisses me off the most.” She looked over. “I think it’s great that Josh will be your first and only lover.”

  Their eyes held for a moment, and then Nina straightened with a jerk. She coughed and was clearly embarrassed she’d shown such softness.

  “Forgive me. Got carried away. See? I can be romantic. But that was insensitive of me. No matter how darling and altruistic and downright gallant he acted, I should be calling him an asshole for ditching you like he did.” She rolled her eyes to show she was being sarcastic. “At least you can take pleasure in the fact that he must have suffered the absolute worst case of blue balls in the history of blue shriveled balls. And that’s on top of the pair he’d have already been sporting after being locked up for three long, sex-free years. Boy, Daddy Josh has some impressive control.”

  Torn between being sad, amused, and frustrated, Tish began gathering her things. “I’m terrified he didn’t exercise that control and didn’t suffer shit all weekend. I’m terrified he banged his way through every horny bitch in town.” Man, insecurities were awful. “And what makes you think he’ll be my only lover?”

  Nina shrugged and swiped her hand over the dash as though checking for dust. “Your love for him is, well, to be honest, it’s like another presence. I can almost feel it. And you’re you. If you guys come together, he’ll be it. I just know it. What I don’t know is why you think he would bang any bitch but the simple one sitting next to me?”

  The question threw Tish, and she couldn’t offer anything but a blank look.

  “Why do you think he, of all people, would do that, Tish? This is Josh we’re talking about, right? I can talk my shit about anything with nuts, but, this is Josh we’re talking about,” she repeated as if that said it all.

  Guilt rolled in like fog.

  “The same Josh who, before he went away,” she went on, “was ragged on by your stupid uncle for not participating in the orgies they have at the clubhouse?”

  Tish’s teeth snapped together. “The what?”

  “Yeah. I heard Nick yanking your man’s chain once. The conversation singed my young ears, I should add. Nick offered up the chance to tag-team some girl. Josh passed, and your much-loved uncle wanted to know why he ‘kept doing that,’ which means it had to have happened more than once.”

  Her love for Josh surged. “A threesome isn’t an orgy,” she pointed out, relieved she hadn’t naïvely missed something so…adventurous…going on right under her nose all these years.

  “Oh. Shit. Look at that.” Nina performed a tiny bow Tish’s way. “You get felt up once, and suddenly you’re an expert on all things sexual.”

  Tish laughed. “Would you shut up.”

  Nina grinned and reached into the backseat. After rummaging through her backpack for a minute, she came out with a flask. It was the shape and color of the eggplant emoji. Tish watched her twist off the top and chug the contents.

  “That better be grape juice.”

  Making a sound like she’d just finished an ice-cold Coke, Nina swiped at her mouth and replaced the top before throwing the phallic container into the back. “Water. So, tell me. If Daddy Josh wasn’t taking advantage of plentiful pussy then, why would he now? I know you didn’t see it because you were too involved, but the way he was around you before he left was pretty awesome.”

  All ears, Tish turned in her seat. “How was he around me? And why have you never said anything before now?”

  “Because you used to get strange whenever I mentioned him before. You’d throw that wall up and cut me off for a couple of days.” She tapped her thumb on the steering wheel and thought for a second. “He…hovered. But not in a spooky way. He was like…like an animal protecting his mate. At the time, I’d have said his young, but now that you guys have diddled each other, mate sounds better.”

  “He’s very possessive of those he cares about,” Tish got out around the pleasure spreading through her.

  “Aren’t they all,” Nina muttered under her breath. “I always thought it was more than that. But what did I know back then? I was seventeen and about to open my legs for a guy who would take my virginity and use the experience as a sex story to work up the girl he cheated on me with.”

  Tish winced. Patrick was the same jerk who’d been in her section the other night, the one who’d invited her to get on the table sans utensils.

  The clock on the dash caught her eye. “I’m so sorry he did that to you. He does deserve a good ass-kicking.”

  “Doesn’t matter now. The past is the past.”

  Tish didn’t believe that for a second. “I have to get in. Thanks for the ride, and for listening to my crazy.”

  Nina got busy looking out the windows. “Did you, uh, call Nick? If you catch him when he’s half asleep, maybe he’ll slip up and tell you where his boy is.”

  Tish paused with her hand on the door handle. “I tried, but he didn’t call me back.” She got a surprised look.

  “He didn’t? That’s weird. Anyone been by your house?”

  “I’ve heard bikes passing by on the hour all weekend, but every time I run to the window, it’s the same two prospects doing a drive by.”

  “Ah, so they’re under orders to watch out for you. If you want, I could ask my dad if something’s going on.”

  Tish recoiled at the suggestion. Mr. Samson was a doll, but she would never ask him or any member about club business. “As if! Gawd. I can already see the you-silly-girl smirk. Forget it. I’ll wait for Nick to get my message. Or for Josh to show.” She forced a smile and jumped from the car.

  As she made for the side door the staff used, she heard the whir of the window. “Ignore my bullshit, Tish, and give The Guardian some credit. You know he’s a good guy. And you’re a prime catch that he’s damn lucky to have.”

  With her eyes stinging, she blew her bestie a kiss and disappeared inside the bar. She did know Josh was a good guy. But that didn’t stop her insecurities from showing her clips of him wearing himself out all weekend on willing bodies that weren’t hers.

  NINE

  At the end of the night, the ache settling into Tish’s muscles made it feel as if she was coming down with the flu. She shoved open the staff door and held it for Brian as he scooted out behind her. He slung his arm over her shoulders. She knew he only had eyes for his Meredith, so she wasn’t bot
hered in the least by the affectionate gesture. She was simply as grateful as always that he was saving her cab fare since buses didn’t run this late.

  “Remember when I rushed home to Meredith the other night?”

  She nodded and leaned on him as they walked the length of the building toward the area where the staff parked. “Yeah.”

  “I asked her to marry me,” he whispered conspiratorially. “I got a yes.”

  Tish stopped as they rounded the corner. “What? Holy crap! Brian!” She pulled him in for a happy hug. “That’s great! How did you do it?”

  He didn’t answer because his gaze had gone beyond her. It flashed wary before becoming hostile, which had alarm crawling down her spine. She turned, expecting to see someone about to rob them with a gun or knife.

  Everything around her faded when she saw Josh leaning his big body against the front fender of the black F-150 that had been parked in her driveway for the past year. She’d assumed it was her uncle’s but had never seen him drive it. Now she knew why. It belonged to Josh. Though, at that moment, he looked as if everything in sight belonged to him. He had his arms crossed in that pose he favored, his head bowed slightly, his hard stare focused on the man next to her. He was wearing his usual uniform of boots, loose-fitting jeans, and his cut with a black T-shirt under it.

  “Get back inside,” Brian murmured as he slid a hand to her hip to pull her behind him. “I can’t read the cut. Hurry, before he—”

  “No,” Tish interrupted as she saw Josh’s eyes narrow on the hold. “He’s okay. He’s mine. Uh, my friend. My, uh, that’s Josh.”

  “Josh?” Brian squinted. “He’s out?” He was still talking quietly, though Josh probably wouldn’t have been able to hear him from thirty feet away even had Brian used his normal voice.

  “Yes.” Isn’t that amazing? she wanted to add.

  Josh raised his arm then. Didn’t call out, or change his unfriendly expression. Just raised his arm and crooked two fingers.