“I’m worried he won’t show up,” she admitted. “It wouldn’t be so bad if Rob wasn’t also avoiding Luke. This may be Luke’s only chance to talk to his dad about the adoption before the birth. Rob called Luke before to try to get him to talk me out of the divorce, but Luke refused to help him, and now, Rob won’t answer his calls. Actually, he went so far as to block Luke’s number. Then when Luke tried calling from a different number, Rob disconnected that line.”
I already knew Luke was worried about his dad not showing up or taking off when he saw Luke and Misty in the room. Since we lived in California, which was a no fault divorce state, Rob having slept with Misty didn’t matter as far as the courts were concerned. In California, if you wanted a divorce, you could get one without some big argument about who was at fault for the end of your marriage.
The only time adultery came into play was when there was a prenuptial agreement, and adultery could impact how much a person got in the divorce. Brook and Rob didn’t have any agreements, probably because Rob had never been smart enough to think he should protect his assets when he got married. From what I’d heard, he hadn’t earned any of those assets, so he probably didn’t value them as much as many would. Rob had been born into money and inherited his parents’ estate at a young age. He was a spoiled brat who thought the world should give him everything he wanted.
“I’d like to say he wouldn’t dare skip this meeting after your attorney’s threats,” Delaney began.
“But he’s a moron who probably doesn’t believe you could take any of his money in the divorce,” I finished. “Either that or he’s too stupid to realize his money will run out eventually if he’s not careful.”
“Can’t we agree he’s a moron no matter what he does?” Delaney asked.
Brook laughed. “He’s definitely a moron, and that’s why I’m so worried about him not showing up. He asked for half my business without considering that he has a lot more to lose in the divorce. I feel that if I can just get him to meet with us on Monday, he’ll give up on fighting the divorce. Misty is the reason he’s being so resistant, and Luke is offering to take away that problem.” Brook cringed at her own words. “Not that I think the baby is a problem. I know Luke is thrilled with the idea of having her, and I’m definitely looking forward to babysitting.”
“I know what you meant,” I assured her. “We’ve probably all been thinking Rob will give up if he knows Luke is taking custody of Misty’s baby.”
“Does he have a name picked out yet?” Delaney asked.
“Haley,” I replied, experiencing the strange mix of nerves and excitement I always had when thinking about the little girl who would soon change everything in my relationship with Luke.
“How are you handling all of this?” Brook asked, looking concerned, probably having sensed my unease.
I shrugged. “I’m just trying to be supportive of Luke.” That was mostly true. Of course, what I wasn’t mentioning was that by focusing on being supportive of Luke, I was able to avoid thinking about how this was going to change my life. We hadn’t talked about my involvement again. I knew Luke was trying to avoid pushing me to make any decisions. As for me, I was also trying to avoid pushing myself to make any decisions.
“Which is great,” Brook told me. “I’m glad you’re being there for him since I know this will be a huge change in Luke’s life.”
“I agree,” Delaney added hesitantly. “It’s nice that you’re being such a good friend to Luke.”
“I’m sensing a but,” I muttered, beginning to suspect my friends wanted to talk more about what I was going through than what Brook was going through. It was becoming obvious I’d been set up.
“But this affects you, too,” Delaney added. “You’re in a new relationship with Luke, and this will definitely interfere with a lot of your kinky sex time. You’ve also never been excited about the prospect of being a mother.”
“Between work and parenting, Luke will have less time to date,” Brook added. “Have you two discussed this again since the day he found out about Haley?”
“Have you discussed what your relationship with Haley will be?” Delaney asked.
Just like that, my friends had called me on all my worries regarding the baby who would be living with Luke. These were some of the many concerns I’d avoided talking about, the concerns I knew I couldn’t put off dealing with much longer. I wasn’t being fair to Luke by leaving him in limbo regarding our future.
“I don’t know the answers to any of those questions,” I admitted. “When Luke first found out, he talked about this like we were going to do it together, and I handled it badly, but we worked through that. The problem is, we haven’t talked about it since then. It’s like we’re both trying to avoid dealing with it. I already know we can’t continue on the way we are if I’m not fully committed to Haley. We won’t have time to date, which means things might just end between us. This may sound crazy, but until Luke settled on a name, she didn’t seem quite as real.”
“Now that she’s a real person to you, how do you feel about her?” Brook asked.
“That’s hard to explain,” I admitted. “I get this warm fuzzy feeling when I think about Luke holding her or teaching her to ride a bike. I know Luke is afraid to mess up because his parents were so bad, but I think he’ll be a great dad. He’s such a wonderful man.”
Brook grinned. “It sounds like you already know what you want to do.”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t know what I want to do. That’s the problem.”
“Bullshit,” Delaney replied, lifting a leather paddle and giving her own ass a smack, which drew the attention of two guys who were checking out the videos. “Mind your business, perverts,” she told them before turning her attention to me. “You want to be part of Luke and Haley’s lives.”
“And I will be. The question is whether I’ll be there as more than a friend. We’ve only been dating a short time,” I argued.
“You’ve only been dating a short time, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re in love with him,” Delaney replied as if I were an idiot.
“I never said I’m in love with Luke,” I argued.
“You don’t have to tell us you’re in love with Luke,” Brook insisted. “You love Luke and he loves you. It’s obvious to everyone. Even Luke knows it.”
Just a few months ago, I’d sworn I would never fall in love again—I’d never wanted to fall in love again. Then Luke had convinced me to meet him for a drink, and I’d opened up to him, let him into my life and my heart. Delaney and Brook were right about my feelings for Luke, and he’d made no secret of how he felt about me. Luke told me several times he loved me. At first, I’d pretended it was just bedroom talk, but somehow, I’d always known that wasn’t the case.
“I do love him,” I admitted, “but it scares me.”
“You’ll get used to it,” Brook assured me. “Just try to enjoy being in love. Luke would never hurt you.”
“He’s nothing like Jason,” Delaney added.
I nodded. They were right, but there was also one other major problem. “I’m not ready to be a parent,” I said quietly. “I think Luke is doing the right thing, and I love him more for doing it, but I’m not sure I want to be any kind of mother figure in Haley’s life. While I want to be part of both of their lives, I’m not sure I can commit to this the way Luke needs me to. Does that make me a horrible person?”
Brook and Delaney both hugged me.
“It doesn’t make you a horrible person at all,” Brook insisted.
“You do need to decide if you’re in or out soon,” Delaney continued. “It’s not fair to wait too long to let Luke know.”
“I agree,” Brook added. “At first, I thought there was no reason for you to make any decisions before Haley’s birth, but now, I see how much of an adjustment this already is for him. He needs to be completely focused on Haley when he brings her home, not dealing with a breakup, if you decide to leave him, that is.”
“As Haley gets older, Luke will have time to date again. Maybe you should just take a break if you aren’t ready to be a mommy figure to Haley. Not break up, but see each other less,” Delaney suggested.
That would have been a great suggestion with any other man, but I knew it wouldn’t work with Luke. Being abandoned by both parents for most of his childhood had definitely left its mark on Luke. If I pulled away because of Haley, he’d be hurt. I didn’t think he’d consciously try to punish me, but his subconscious mind would put up barriers to avoid being hurt in case I decided to leave. This was my one shot with Luke.
“I really need to think about this,” I admitted. “You’re right about Luke deserving an answer soon.”
“Just follow your heart,” Delaney suggested.
That was good advice, but I needed some time to decide if following my heart was fair to everyone involved. My heart told me to tell Luke I was fully committed to helping him raise Haley, but my mind was telling me it was too soon, and reminding me I could not only hurt Luke if I made a mistake, but I could also hurt an innocent baby.
“You’ll make the right decision,” Brook assured me.
“I certainly hope so,” I muttered, not nearly as confident in my ability to make the right choice as Brook was.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Luke
When Chelsea texted me to say she was too tired to come over after spending the evening with Brook and Delaney, I knew there was no reason for it to bother me. There had been other nights she hadn’t come to my place or let me go to hers. It’s not like she had to spend every night with me, no matter how much I wanted her in my arms.
Ty hadn’t helped matters by suggesting something was probably bothering Chelsea. What I should have done was grade some papers and head to bed early. That was the right thing to do, but that was not what I’d done. I was ready to admit to being an asshole stalker as I sat in my car outside Chelsea’s house, staring at the text string.
ME: I miss you. Can’t wait to see you tonight. Wanna know what I’m going to do to you when you get here? I even got a special treat for Tasha so she’ll let us play while she has her first sleepover here.
CHELS: I think I’m going to just head home tonight. I’m not feeling up to packing.
ME: I don’t mind going over to your place. Just let me know when you’re heading home.
CHELS: I’m really tired tonight. I’ll call you tomorrow so we can talk about things.
There was no reason for me to believe she was lying and didn’t simply want a quiet evening at home alone because she was tired. There was no reason for my immediate reaction, which was to assume something was bothering her and head straight to her house.
Now, I was the creepy stalker sitting in front of her house, trying to decide if I should head in or respect her wishes and take my creepy ass home. My phone buzzed with an incoming message, which ended up being from Chelsea.
CHELS: Just come up to the front door. It’s weird having you sit out there staring at my house.
I was totally busted, so I decided to follow orders and head up to her house, hoping to discover I was worrying over nothing.
When Chelsea opened the door, she greeted me with a warm smile, just like she always did, and that should have set my mind at ease. Still, I could see the stress on her face, proving I’d been right to worry about her reaction.
“Come on in,” she offered, eying my overnight bag. “I guess you didn’t like my answer about not coming over tonight.”
I let out a sigh before responding. “When I got your message, I was with Ty, and he was worried something might be bothering you, so I decided to come check on you. I figured I’d bring my overnight bag in case you asked me to stay.” I bumped my forehead against the nearest wall and groaned. “Why is this so hard? Why can’t I just answer your question honestly?”
I’d gotten much better at opening up about my feelings; at least, I had with Chelsea, but I seemed to be having a lot of trouble with it at the moment. The part about Ty was only a small piece of what was going on, but it had seemed easier to avoid talking about how my own feelings played into me coming by her house. My fists clenched at my sides, and I let my head drop back as I muttered about what an idiot I was.
Chelsea laughed at my frustration. “Are you telling me you just lied to me?”
“No, but yes,” I replied before clarifying. “What I said about Ty is true, but I came over here because I got a strange vibe from you in your message, and I was worried something was wrong. With us. I don’t want to lose you.”
I’d say that hadn’t been as hard as I’d thought it would be, but that would be a lie. Admitting to my fear of losing Chelsea made it seem much more real. Still, I was glad I’d been honest and not played some stupid game or pretended nothing was wrong like I would have two months ago.
With a sigh, she slipped her arms around my waist. “I’m sorry about blowing you off like that. It was a very childish reaction on my part. I can’t believe you’re the one with the better communication skills. That makes it even more obvious how badly I handled this.”
A shuddering breath slipped past my lips when my arms wrapped around her. Chelsea was finally where she belonged, and some of my tension from her text message eased. There was still something bothering her, but at least, she wasn’t pushing me away. “Do you want to tell me what’s really going on?”
“No, but I should,” she replied, remaining in my arms a little longer before pulling away. I already missed the contact, which was always the case when I didn’t have Chelsea in my arms, but this was different because it was like she was leaving me for good. I had no reason to think that. Things were going great—no arguments recently, and she’d been actively involved in helping me get things ready for Haley. Even though we hadn’t revisited her concerns about dating me after Haley came to live with me, she’d been talking about being involved. Chelsea was working on a schedule which would allow her to watch Haley on Tuesdays and Thursdays to try to keep her out of day care as much as possible. She’d helped me pick out a name and even gone to a car seat safety class with me. Chelsea wasn’t planning to stop talking to me, and there were times when it seemed like we were building a family together.
Still, I couldn’t shake the sense of impending doom. I’d had the same feeling the day my mom left. There’d been no reason to think she was leaving for good that day. She’d taken me for breakfast, and then she’d made me wait in the salon while she got her nails done. It had been like any other day, except, after putting me in front of the television and telling me to be quiet so my dad could play his new video game, she’d left and never come back. I’d gotten cards and the occasional phone call, but she was gone. At that moment, my instincts were screaming that Chelsea was planning to leave unexpectedly.
I took Chelsea’s hand and led her into the living room before taking a seat beside her on the sofa. “Talk to me,” I coaxed.
“I’ve been trying to figure out where things are going between us,” she admitted. “In most cases, that would be a ridiculous thing to worry about so early in a relationship, but you won’t have time to date once you bring Haley home. You need me to decide if I’m in or out as far as our relationship goes. It’s not fair to string you along.”
I was annoyed—not so much with Chelsea as I was with the stress this situation was causing her. “I’m not trying to push you to make a decision, Chels.”
“I know you aren’t,” she assured me. “You’ve been so good about letting me have time to think about this that I’ve managed to forget there is any sort of deadline, but we both know there is one. You work, and you’re going to be spending your time outside of work being a new dad. If I’m not completely committed to this, then it won’t work.”
“Are you telling me you can’t do this?” I asked because I needed to know. I desperately wanted her to tell me I had a chance to make this work, but if it wasn’t going to, I needed to deal with it now. Very soon, I would need my mind fully focused
on Haley. Chelsea bringing this up now made me realize what a fool I’d been for believing if I just ignored the issues, Chelsea would come around and everything would work out fine.
“I don’t know,” she admitted honestly. “When I first found out about Haley, I didn’t want to be involved. That sounds horrible, but it’s the truth. Now, I want to be part of both of your lives, but I’m scared. You are so incredible, and I will be here for you as a friend no matter what happens in our relationship, but I need some time to think.”
“You want me to leave.” It wasn’t a question. My mind rebelled against the idea of her wanting to be away from me. I wanted to kiss her until she realized we could work everything out, but I understood why she needed to make this decision on her own.
“I really don’t want you to leave,” she told me, sounding sad and defeated. “More than anything, I want you to take me to bed and make me forget about this decision I need to make, the one that could hurt us both.”
“But you need to decide,” I finished for her, refusing to say I understood. Even though I did, I wasn’t ready to be gracious about walking away from the woman I loved. I wanted to say more, to argue with her and tell her none of her concerns mattered because we would make this work, but this was about so much more than me and Chelsea. If Chelsea didn’t want to be a mom to Haley at some point, then we could have no future as more than friends. I held on to that small comfort, knowing if nothing else, I’d still have this incredible woman as my friend, but I wanted more, and there was part of me that felt like she was abandoning me.
Naughty at 30 (Love Without Batteries #2) Page 16