by Haley Jenner
Inching my head slightly in the opposition direction, I bring her into view. She’s positioned herself much like I have. "We' re not even 30, hung over as fuck and not because we had an epic night out. Noooooo," she drags out, emphasizing her point. “Instead we sat on my couch like old spinsters, drank ourselves into oblivion and cried about how awful our lives are," she spits, her head beginning to shake in disgust before her eyes close over in pain the small movement caused.
"Mmmm…pathetic," I agree not using any of the limited energy in my arsenal to care. I can’t remember much of the evening before. Lots of drinking. Lots of crying. That's it. “Wait, why were you crying? Why is your life awful?" I question, pulling myself slowly upright, narrowing my eyes on her.
Aubrey bolts up too fast, her face turning a whiter shade of pale. "I didn't say that," she tumbles out, too quickly.
"Yes you did. Just then. You said 'crying about how awful our lives are'. What does that mean?" I ask.
Staring at me with wide blood shut eyes, Aubrey remains silent before the front door opens, saving her from any further questioning. We both watch as David walks into the house, stopping only when he sees our bodies strewn across his kitchen.
"You're up?" he says, surprised. "Annabelle, I turned your phone off at some point last night. Wouldn't stop ringing," he speaks to no one in particular, his tone bored and irritated.
"What?" I question. "Why would you do that?"
He sighs loudly, rubbing his forehead. "Because some of us have to work, Annabelle. We all can't dwell on the problems in our lives," he says focusing on Aubrey. "I was working, it was disrupting me, so I turned it off," he snaps before disappearing from the room.
I stand quickly in search of my phone and have to grab hold of the table to steady myself - the quick movement making my head spin and stomach twist. Archer will think I've turned it off, on purpose, to ignore him. Fuck. I find it easily enough, discarded on the coffee table. Powering it on, it starts sounding almost immediately with missed calls and text messages.
"Why would he do that? Why couldn't he just turn it on silent?" I ask, turning towards Aubrey. I don't have her attention though, her eyes are glued to the position David had been standing, her shoulders slumped. I can't say she looks sad, her posture definitely portrays this but her eyes are like steel. She looks conflicted, angry even.
"Aubs, babe, you okay?" I question softly.
"What?" she asks back, slowly coming out of her trance. "Yeah, I'm fine," she says, shaking her head and trying to rid herself of her thoughts. "They all from Archer?" she asks gesturing towards my phone.
"Most," I answer. "I'll just text him and tell him I'm spending a night or two with you, that you need me. Which…I actually don't think is too off the mark." I raise my eyebrows in her direction, hoping she'll give me hint as to how she is feeling or what's going on.
"What? I'm fine," she deflects.
"Babe, you look broken. I'm sorry I've been so absorbed with my own problems I haven’t noticed, but," I start.
"Please, Annabelle, don't," she whispers, the steel in her eyes subsiding, being replaced by desperation.
"Aubs," I start towards her but halt my advance when she stands quickly, holding her hands up defensively. "I let you avoid for years, Annabelle. Years. Do not push me. That is not fair," she throws at me, hands still up, her defensive walls building higher and higher.
I nod understandingly and watch as she visibly relaxes before walking from the room. "Aubrey," I call.
"When I'm ready, Annabelle," she cuts me off continuing her retreat.
I spend the next two days watching Aubrey. Selfishly, this helps me avoid thinking about what going home will mean. But more importantly, I focus on Aubrey because she needs it. The avoidance is just an added bonus.
David works the entire time, not allowing me to see any further interaction between the two of them. Aubrey keeps up appearances and when we’re together her front doesn't waver. Not once. But when she doesn't know I'm there, she's not present. Staring at nothing, her mind occupied elsewhere. She seems lost, her behavior confusing me. She checks her phone constantly, disappointment and sadness radiating from her eyes at whatever she sees, or doesn't. A secret smile sometimes graces her lips at the chords of a certain song or a memory kept in her head. But all in all, she seems unsure of herself and that in itself is so out of character. Aubrey knows what she wants in and out of life. So her being unsure, uncertain, lost and confused is scary. But even with this revelation, I don't push her to talk, to share. She's right. She let me live in her house and wallow for years, never once pushing me. I owe it to her to give her time.
Archer and I text, keeping contact through short messages. Mostly its Archer confirming I'm still in Bellingham, making certain I haven't come home under radar, continuing to hide. Two days pass and I feel restless, on edge and ready to return home. I pack all my belongings, confident in my decision to leave Bellingham behind. I'm still not convinced that I can be with Archer again, but I know Carnation is my home, where I belong.
"It's going to be lonely without you here," Aubrey confides moving to hug me.
"Aubs," I test, hugging her back tightly.
"When I'm ready, babes," she pulls away regretfully.
I finish packing my car, moving to the driver's side. Leaning inside, I turn the car on as Aubrey speaks. “Annabelle,” she whispers, avoiding eye contact, eyes fixated on her feet. “I’m sorry I’ve haven’t been the greatest friend over the past few years. It was selfish of me to want to keep you here, with me. I know you were hurting and I let you avoid and wallow for all this time. Reflecting, that was wrong. I see now how much damage its done.” Her eyes finally rise to meet my own, wet with unshed tears, wide with uncertainty. “Regardless of what was happening with Archer, I know Carnation is your home, where you want and need to be," she swallows deeply, moving past the lump in her throat to continue. "I should’ve worked harder at making you open up, to work through your sadness. I feel partly responsible for how miserable you’ve been all these years. Maybe if you had gone home sooner, you would have…. I don’t know,” she whispers, wiping tears that have escaped her eyes off her cheeks.
“Aubrey, only I’m responsible for my happiness. I think if you had pushed too hard I would have reverted further into myself. You gave me what I needed, I promise you that,” I assure her.
“But, god Annabelle, only a fool would miss that you belong with Archer,” she smiles sadly. “I envy what you guys had, have even. Love like that doesn’t exist for a lot of people, babe. Maybe if you had gone home sooner, you guys would have reconnected and you would be living your lives. You wouldn’t be running from him so fearful of making the right decision.”
“Aubrey, Archer has only just gotten his life back together. I've spent so long trying to hate him that I've only just realized that he couldn’t do that with me there. It was too much pressure. Archer needed to fix himself for him, not for me, not for Jake or Janie. For him. It was too much to expect him to look after me as well. He couldn't," I shake my head, trying to make her see reason. "He needed the time for him. If I had gone back earlier or if I had stayed, who knows what damage would have been done, to both of us. Being here was what I needed. I promise you that. I can never thank you enough for letting me live here. Especially being so down all the time. Looking at you now, I know how hard that would've been. I’m struggling not to push you to open up. You were strong for me, kicking my ass when I needed it and just being there the rest of the time. I love you, babes,” I whisper, moving forward to hug her.
Aubrey holds me tighter and I feel her thin frame shudder as she cries. “Come back with me,” I offer. “Not permanently, just for a few days. Get away. David’s working ridiculous hours. Stay with your Mom and Steve. Take some time away from whatever is making you sad.”
She laughs almost sarcastically. “Babe, if only I could tell you. Coming back to Carnation will only scramble my head further, seeing…oh god. Let’s just say I
don’t think everyone will be as happy to have me home as you will be. But you’re right, I don’t want to be here. Probably at my complete detriment, I think I will come back. I’ll drive down a bit later though. Pack some things, might drop past and see my Dad on my way through,” she responds.
Her confession confuses me but I don’t push it. “Let’s do coffee tomorrow morning. You, me and Darc. I’ll meet you girls at The Coffee House around 9ish?” Aubrey tests.
I nod in agreement. “Shame you’re not back tonight, Jakey is playing there tonight. I know he’d love to see you,” I offer and a pained smile is forced onto Aubrey’s face.
“Make the right choice, Annabelle. You know where and who you belong with, don’t fight it because your scared. I’ve never seen you happier than when Archer was in your life. Yeah he hurt you, but he’ll make it right. Archer loves you, you love him. Go with it,” she smiles at my face. “Be happy, babe.”
Driving into Carnation I’m tempted to drive home, to unpack my things in their rightful place and find Archer. But I can’t. I can't bring myself to be there just yet. I'm scared he might be there and I’m not ready for that confrontation. I just need one more night. That’s it, one more night to settle my decision in my head. Instead I drive to Darci’s and she isn’t surprised to see me, smiling softly when I choose to leave most of my belongings in the car.
I make the decision not to see Jake play that night, knowing Archer will most likely be there. When I see him next I need it to be only the two of us. I don’t need the population of Carnation to witness our confrontation. Again. It was humiliating enough the first time 'round. Darci goes though, her cheeks shading to an adorable rose color when I ask if Bennett will be there.
I don't reply to Archer's text that night, his routine check in. Probably not wise, it most likely giving away the fact that I'm home but strangely, I'm okay with that.
I sleep well that night, content with being home in Carnation for good. Knowing I’m where I need to be, where I belong. I try not to think of Archer, and what will come of us. Whenever I let myself get excited that we’ll be an 'us' again, my nerves kick in and doubts cloud my brain.
What happens if it doesn’t work?
What if I’ve taken too long and he’s done? Realized after all this time that what we had wasn’t worth the trouble?
For this reason, I refuse to think on it, at least for tonight. Instead allowing my body the contentment of finally being home to filter through.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Annabelle
Aubrey walks through The Coffee House looking more relaxed than I've seen her in months. Being with her Mom is always good for her, that’s why her obvious avoidance with coming home is so out of the ordinary. Aubrey loves her family. Adores them.
Her Mom and Dad separated when she was young and she’s remained incredibly close with both of them. Clarah remarried her high school sweetheart, Steve, almost immediately after her marriage breakdown and hasn’t looked back since. While I can sense that Aubrey wants to resent the two of them for her father’s benefit, she loves Steve. Unconditionally. Her Dad doesn’t begrudge her for it; he seems to find comfort in their relationship. Thankful that Aubrey has more love afforded to her than most.
Aubrey tends to be cagey with her parent’s history, so even as one of her closest friends, most of what I know is unfortunately town gossip.
Aubrey’s Dad Joseph, is kind. A serious, work-focused man who adores his daughter. A feeling that is completely reciprocated on Aubrey’s behalf. She thinks the world of him and often shares that she's sad he never remarried.
I arrived at The Coffee House early this morning, wanting time alone with Darci. I needed to debrief about my concerns for Aubrey. Concerns that Darci seems to whole-heartedly agree with. Like me, she isn't entirely sure how to approach the situation, so has chosen to remain quiet for months, afraid trying to talk to Aubrey will push her away.
I understand Aubrey’s need to keep what’s got her so down so close to her chest but I don’t like seeing this version of her. I love my exuberant, no-filtered, crass best friend. Seeing her down-trodden and…. sad is heart-breaking. I’ve been so selfish these last few years, so absorbed with my own pity I forgot to how to be a friend. I feel fucking awful I’m only just noticing how miserable she is. How can I, in all honestly, call myself one of her best friends? While I know she's not ready to share, my lack of support is shameful.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Aubrey questions looking between Darci and I. “Like I’ve been given a cancer diagnosis I don’t know about it.”
“No I wasn’t,” I retort defensively, turning towards Darci, whose attention has moved to shuffling papers on her counter. Shaking her head, Aubrey dismisses us both, heading towards the barrister, ordering our coffees.
“Good to have you home, Aubrey,” Darci offers quietly when we’ve settled into a quiet corner of the store.
Aubrey smiles softly. “So good to see Mom again. God, I miss her," she sighs before turning her eyes to me. “Seen Archer yet?” she questions, taking a small sip of coffee before relaxing into her chair.
I shake my head quickly.
“He know you’re back in town yet?” she asks.
“I don’t think so,” I start, but I’m cut off almost immediately by Darci.
“He probably would now,” she offers apologetically. My eyes widen at her confession and she stumbles to explain. “I mean I didn’t tell him. Of course, I would never do that. But I may have, kind of, accidentally, let it slip to Bennett that you were at my place last night,” she blurts out, refusing to meet my eyes, cheeks automatically shading.
I start sweating almost immediately as my heart suddenly feels heavier in my chest with its loud and prominent beating.
“Why were you and Bennett discussing current sleeping arrangements, Darc?” Aubrey prompts, mischief written all over her face.
“Fuck that right now, Aubrey,” I snap. “Sorry, Darc, promise I really do care about what’s happening between the two of you but shit, fuck, dammit! If he knows I’m staying with you, he’ll come here looking for me. Crap. What do I do? I need to leave,” my mouth continues to flow with expletives as my eyes fix on the shop door, expecting him to burst through at any moment.
“Babe, chill,” Aubrey stretches her words, attempting to coax me down.
“Honestly Annabelle, I don’t know if Bennett really took notice of what I actually said. His focus was elsewhere,” Darci confesses, a deep red tinting her face.
Aubrey laughs, ecstatic at Darci’s revelation. “Brilliant.”
“Aubrey,” I whine.
“I’m sorry, babes, just taking a moment to appreciate Darci telling us Bennett wanting to fuck her senseless last night. Total cock-block, Annabelle. If you had gone to Archer, like you know you should’ve, you would have avoided the panic attack you are currently experiencing. That and Darci here would have been well and truly sated,” she laughs. “From a full night of being fucked by Bennett James,” she adds, just for emphasis, smiling wide, clapping her hands together.
Her loud laugh and not so savory humor has me laughing, her hypothesis of the previous evening refreshingly……. her. I turn to Darci. “Babe, I’m sorry if I put a block to your evening’s……. activities,” I apologize around my smile.
“I think we have greater things to think about right now,” Darci responds, pointing towards the street, where Bennett and Archer are deep in conversation.
Archer doesn't seem focused on The Coffee House, which tells me Bennett hasn't divulged my whereabouts, choosing to keep Darci's confidence - for now.
“Kill me,” I turn back to them both, eyes pleading.
“I don’t know why you feel the need to run. Again. But Archer has his back to the shop. You could, maybe if you’re lucky, make it to my car before he notices,” Aubrey sighs handing me her keys and I breathe a sigh of relief.
Thanking her with my eyes, I don't hesitate in gathering my things a
nd attempting my great escape. I feel like a complete idiot trying to sneak from The Coffee House, failing miserably at looking inconspicuous. I spend more time than necessary opening the front door as slowly as I possibly can, just in case Archer has supersonic hearing. I watch in mock irritation as Aubrey shakes her head at my attempt to close the door just as quietly, glancing over my shoulder to check he hasn’t noticed me. He hasn’t. Thank fuck. Bennett doesn't let on that he's seen me, choosing to keep Archer's attention for the time being.
I let out a breath of relief when I have successfully exited the shop unnoticed. Edging my body around slightly, I begin an awkward side shuffle towards Aubrey’s car. I’ve made it three-quarters of the way when Aubrey breaks all rules of the girl code. When thoughts of a painful and bloody murder storm my brain cells.
“Hey, Annabelle,” she betrays, voice carrying, hip propped against the front wall of The Coffee House, staring directly at Archer.
His entire body jolts at my name, turning instantly, eyes scanning quickly, attempting to locate me. It doesn't take him long, obviously, considering I'm standing across the street from him. Definitely a deer caught in headlights type of moment as his eyes narrow on Aubrey's car, correctly identifying my destination and obvious attempt to avoid him. Again.
Turning back towards Aubrey, my eyes communicate everything that vocally I can't. “Love you,” she sings, ignoring my deathful glare, turning to wink at Archer.
I swallow loudly as my eyes automatically seek out Archer once again. He hasn’t moved, eyes watching me cautiously. Flight sense kicking in, I assess the distance to Aubrey’s car and my ability to reach it before he can me. My feet instinctively move towards the car but my momentary lapse has lost me my advantage, his body already moving into a jog, cars slowing to allow him the ability to cross the street.
“Will you stop fucking running from me?" he booms, pulling the attention of the entire street.