Burn It Down (The Burn Series Book 2)

by Dee Ellis

  Then I cried. A lot.

  3

  Fourteen days. Twelve hours. Forty-five minutes. And twelve seconds. Give or take a few. That’s how long it’s been since my after. My ‘after’ Gigi. A little more than two weeks ago, she showed up at my door. I thought, "Fuck, yes. My woman is coming back to me.”

  Except she didn’t tell me she wanted me back. She barely told me anything. Except that I broke her heart. Then she let me fuck her because we both needed it. Then she told me to kick rocks. So, for fourteen days I did.

  Meaning, for the past two weeks, I’ve had my face down in a glass of rocks. Whiskey. Gin. Tequila. Bourbon. Byrne asked me if I’d been hitting Bud a little heavy, since I barely function unless we have a call. I told him the truth. Nope, not a single beer for two weeks.

  Every fucking thing else, though. As long as it’s strong and for a few hours I can forget about her. Except, even that doesn’t work. I started with vodka; but that’s how Gigi tasted the first night I took her. All the rest numbed me for a while, but I can’t shake her.

  Cage keeps looking at me like he’s worried. Which, I guess, he should be. There’s no way anyone realized how serious I was about her. Not even me. Not until she showed up at my door to tell me to get lost. I knew what she wanted to say. I could see in her pretty eyes that she was done.

  Done with me and whatever we were. Too bad losing her granted me clarity. Like how I was absolutely fucking in love with her. Pretty sure I knew it before then, if I'm being honest. I thought so once or twice, over the years. Then I just looked at her one night and though " I love this fucking girl"

  After a good day, or even a bad one, Gigi was there waiting for me. Nothing felt like going home to her, and I got used to it fast. One night I came home and seeing her there hit me different than any night before that. My chest felt like a fist was closing around it.

  Fuck, she was beautiful. Those dual colored eyes lit with emotion and it woke me up everywhere. She was mine. Wanted to be mine. For as long as I wanted her. I wanted her for keeps. Wanted a thousand more nights like that.

  I never told her she was my woman. I don’t know how she doubted it. For months before I started things with her, I never fucked another girl. I mean, I wasn’t a Saint. I let them suck my cock and sometimes I let them ride my face. It wasn't her though, so it was never enough, never would be enough.

  Then one night, before she changed my life, I saw pain in her beautiful eyes. I knew I couldn’t have her but I knew what we both wanted. After that I never wanted to hurt her again. I brought chicks home for a while just to keep up appearances. Gigi realized exactly what I was doing and put an end to it.

  Hours after I drug her into my place, I told her it was a mistake. That Cage would kill us both. Then I sucked her pussy into my mouth and knew I didn’t give a shit. I was crazy about her before I ever got a taste of her. After Gigi…life continues but I hardly feel like it’s going on.

  “Hey, bro,” Cage kicked me from my painful memories, “get your stank, funky, pathetic ass up. You’re helping me move my shit today. Get up. Take a fucking shower, Byrne gave us both the day off.” I blinked up at him from my perch on the common room couch.

  “Right. The move. Sorry, bro-seph. Let me get dressed and shit.” I stood and wiped a hand over my face, trying to wash away the misery I knew he saw there.

  “Hey, Finn,” Cage called as he followed me to the showers, “I’m fucking sorry bro.” I stopped as pain hit me at my chest then everywhere else too. I was the fuck up, not him; he never had to apologize for shit.

  “Not your fault. I’m the piece of shit, bro.” Then I made myself shower and pulled on some almost clean clothes. Hadn’t left the station in two weeks, except to hit the bar. Until they cut me off.

  An hour later, we were filling Charli’s massive F150 with the rest of Cage’s stuff. During the two weeks Charli had been back, he had gotten some of his things. Today, we got the rest he wanted to take. The furniture he was leaving for Gigi, if she decided to move in.

  Last I heard, via eavesdropping, Gigi would be moving soon. My life would turn into a new kind of hell then. Having the woman who tore my heart out ten feet from me. Every. Day.

  “Finn...I got something I need to say to you.” I was for sure Cage and I were going to come to blows at some point. Today was not the day; he'd be no match for my pain.

  “Yeah?” I regarded him wearily as we sat at the open bed of the truck. Beers in our hands, though mine was untouched.

  “I’m fucking sorry, Finn. You’re my best friend. You’re the person I trust the most with my life when we’re in the shit. I should have seen what was going on. I should never have told you to keep away from her. If I had known it was more...Finn, I had no idea it was like this for you.” Cage seemed as weary of the talk as I was.

  I jumped when I felt his hand on my back. The Coopers were affectionate people; I had learned that long ago. I still got startled when it was aimed at me.

  “I... man, I should have told you. I should have just come to you and said it was something more when it became something more. Or before it became something more. I don’t know. I fucked up, man. I don’t know...I don’t know how to deal with this shit. I never even dated someone before her. I would never have started up with Gigi if it was anything less, Cage.” The ground went blurry; I was so fucking ashamed that I was falling apart.

  “Gigi is stubborn as shit. Charli is talking to her today. Not for you,” He put his hands up when I whirled to glare at him, “For Gigi. Both of you are a fucking wreck. I don’t know if you can work it out. I don’t know if either of you want to...”

  “I wanted to. I want Gigi. She won’t even talk to me. Known her most my fucking life and she won’t even talk to me. How am I going to live across the hall from her? I don’t know if I can do it, Cage. I’m fucking losing my God damn mind now. I haven’t seen her in two weeks. How can I keep my shit together if she’s ten feet away?” Cage gave my shoulder a squeeze and touched his bottle to mine.

  “First, you need to crawl your stupid ass out of the pubs. Take your dirty ass home. Deal with it. You don’t run from shit, Finn. When did that start?” I shook my head in frustration.

  Cage was right; when my brothers went to jail, I told them what fuck ups they were and that I wanted nothing to do with them. After my sisters turned our place into party central, I told them to close their legs or piss off.

  “Cage,” My voice came out strained and I took a long pull of the beer, “I... I don’t know if I can deal, bro. I... shit’s just not the same for me anymore.” Cage slid off the bed of the truck and peered up at me.

  “Finn...so...it’s like that? Like really like that? You’re serious?”

  I almost laughed; when he got serious with Charli, which was about a minute after he met her, I asked him the same thing. Even gave him shit for it. How the tables have turned.

  “Y-yeah man. It’s like that, Cage. I can’t just sit there and watch her live her life like we never happened. It’s fucking killing me that she’s just carrying on like she’s fine. I can barely fucking function, Cage.” I hurled my beer down the street and it exploded against a tree and stained the ground.

  “Jesus, fuck Finn. First, bro code states that I clarify for you, Gigi is not fine. She is merely carrying on like she’s fine. I told you; Charli is handling her today because she's a fucking mess. Hasn’t left her dorm in days. Not for classes or even her lunches with Charli.”

  My brows perked up; I knew she was struggling with classes but the girls had lunch every few days and she blew everything off for it. Even me.

  “I don’t want her to be a mess. Doesn’t mean that shit don’t give me some hope.” I sighed and raked my hands through my hair, knowing it was in need of a cut.

  “Look...you hurt her. Red hurt you. Doesn’t mean you give up. If you give up, then you are the douche canoe I told her you were. I fucked up with Charli. Then I followed her home and let her G.I. Joe brothers take me into the woo
ds with guns. You do what you got to do if you want someone. If you think you want Gigi, if you feel like you won’t be the same without her, don’t you be a dick and give up. Because it’s hard? We do hard every day, Finn.” I looked at him long and hard, shocked he was giving me a pep talk in winning his baby sister back.

  “I want her, Cage. To be honest, since we’re having it out,” I sighed and tugged my hair into a tiny ponytail, holding it with one hand, “It’s entirely possible I’ve been crazy about your sister since we were seniors.” I lunged back when he took a huge step forward.

  “What! Since high school! You waited this long?” I was both terrified and confused by his reaction.

  “Well, I mean, I wasn’t exactly sure at first. Then I was, but Gigi didn’t want anything to do with me. I knew she had a crush on me, though. Then I just kept my distance because I knew you hated the idea of me coming anywhere near her.” It was true, and when I said it out loud, I realized something: I was a fucking coward.

  For so long, I had wanted Gigi. I got excited when she came to visit and lit the fuck up when she flirted with me. I loved the way she looked at me. How she came just close enough to almost let me feel her. Instead of doing something about it, being honest with my best friend, I fucked around.

  Nailed every chick I could to prove to Gigi I was no good. To prove Cage right; that I was not to be taken seriously. Not to be trusted. I took Cage’s beer from him and emptied it then hurled it where the other lay smashed on the ground.

  “You’re a fucking idiot.” Cage’s voice was clipped, and I knew he was on the same track as I was.

  “Tell me something new. Jesus, fuck! I wasted so much fucking time. Did everything I could to drive her away. Because you didn’t trust me with her. Instead of proving you wrong. Instead of doing right by her. Fuck!” I screamed, anguish making my knees weak. I wasted so much God damn time.

  “Pretty much. Jesus, Finn. If I had any idea it was like this,” Cage sighed and his hand clamped down on my shoulder, “I didn’t know you were chasing chicks to try to make up for something you thought you couldn’t have. Dude, why didn’t you just talk to me? I know I said stay away, but that’s because you started banging everything with a fucking pulse.” Cage wasn’t wrong and he sighed again, shoving me back against the truck.

  “Basically. Right after Gigi kind of bailed on us,” I smirked despite myself, remembering the speech she had given me then, “I knew I shouldn’t feel the way I did. Didn’t mean I could make the shit stop. I don’t know exactly when it happened, not really. I just looked at her one day and thought she was amazing. One day she was just Red; funny and smart, our little tag along,” My smirk widened because it changed so fast.

  "Then, I couldn’t wait to be around her, and I hated myself for it. So, I tried to get it out of my system. Gigi knew what I was doing before I did. Then she was just gone. When she came back, I didn’t stand a chance.” Gigi didn’t tell me I was wrecking her; I didn’t really believe she wanted me like I wanted her. Fucking around when I wanted her was wrecking me, though.

  We just kind of avoided how bad I wanted her by not talking, not acknowledging it. Gigi was there, but not really; like she couldn’t stand it either. I wanted her to want someone else; I had a dozen reasons why she should. I was older and knew nothing about a good relationship. I had really little going for me and even less than was good enough for someone like Gigi.

  Gigi was less certain of her future than the other Coopers, myself excluded of course. That didn’t mean she didn’t have a bright one waiting for to be figured out. Gigi was smart, so God damn smart it blew me away. There was nothing she wasn’t good at, and if she wasn’t so sweet it might be irritating.

  What Gigi seemed certain of was that my future was bound to be more than I could see. That girl always saw me differently than anyone else. I wanted to understand why she looked at me and saw nothing but good. I didn’t see good in my mirror. I wished I could ask her how to figure out how to be the man she saw.

  But suddenly, she was gone. For weeks. Then months. Drove me fucking crazy. After she graduated, Gigi wanted to see the world so she and her best friend set out to do just that.

  I stalked her social media and watched her live her life. Far away from me and how my wanting her could ruin her. Could ruin me. I partially hoped she found something out there. At the same time, of course I didn't mean it. I was fucking miserable.

  I spent months banging chicks that looked nothing like her. Blondes, redheads, a few girls with pink and blue hair. No one that could remind me of Gigi. I felt nothing but emptiness.

  When she came back, I felt alive again. After giving me the business about Ariel, I was done. Gigi was it for me, and I should have told the entire world I was crazy about her.

  “I want her back, Cage. I do. I just think...maybe it's best that it’s over. I hurt her. I let her think she was just a temporary thing because it was exciting or forbidden. Gigi could never be temporary for me. I think maybe I should stay away. I fucked up and I hurt her, and that kills me. Gigi doesn’t trust me anymore and she shouldn’t," Emotion poured out of me as I owned up to my shit.

  "I lied to you. For fucking years, I looked you in the face and lied. Wanted your little sister every fucking day for years. I love you like my blood. How fucking twisted am I to not only want your sister, who I once considered family, but to lie about it? To not have the balls to tell you? Gigi deserves better than that.” Cage sighed and started to argue, but I couldn’t talk about it anymore.

  “Finn, wait. Don’t go get wasted again. Just stay here. Talk to me.” I looked back and when I saw his eyes flicker to the house I figured it out.

  “Fuck you, man!” Anger tore through me as I realized he had set me up, “I told you I can barely function right now. So, you pull this shit?” Cage started to head towards me, but I threw my hands out.

  Just down the block, I saw Gigi’s little red Prius parking. The girls were laughing and the sound made my chest ache. She was laughing. Not losing it like I was. Out to lunch with her favorite person and not drowning in her pain.

  My best friend tried to keep me here long enough to force me to face the girl who broke my heart. Because facing her last time worked out so well. Not that he knew when she came to tell me to fuck off, I fucked her desperately.

  Cage had no idea I walked out after she told me she was done. Trashed my place after texting her goodbye one last time. Then wallowed in pain and misery because I fucking loved her and lost her.

  “Finn, bro, you know better. Come on just you and me let's go talk. I did not set you up.” Again, his eyes flickered away, giving away his lie, and I laughed.

  “Bullshit. See you later, Bro. Maybe I'll let you rip the knife out of my back then. Might need it to use on me again sometime.” Then with tears in my eyes, because apparently, I didn’t know how to stop them once I let them fall, I left.

  Two hours later, I was sitting in O’Malley’s. Wasted just like Cage predicted. Two blondes were on either side of me, stroking my dick through my jeans as they made out. Before I could make a mistake and take them home, they were suddenly gone.

  I blinked, eyes heavy from sadness and the vodka I had used to numb it. It hasn't worked. I knew better; vodka reminded me of my woman. I blinked up into the darkness, the air stinking of cigarettes and stale beer. Charli. Staring down at me and sobering me right the fuck up.

  “Get up. Let’s go. Spread your legs for someone else, ladies. Stay away from him.” I almost laughed because Charli pissed was kind of sexy. I’d never dare tell Cage that.

  “Charli Doll. Relax gorgeous. Simply enjoying the show; those bunnies know I am closed for business.”

  I didn’t know if that was true the way they were stroking me seconds before. I had no plans to let them get their hands on my dick. Couldn't even consider letting another woman have what Gigi owned.

  “I am certain ladies who frequent O’Malley’s don’t care if you are nursing a broken heart. They don’t wa
nt that appendage, Finn. They want the big one hanging between your legs.” I did laugh then, and she blushed a little when she realized what she had said.

  “Big one, huh? My woman’s been talking about my dick? Cage would not be pleased, Charli Doll. Damn, now I want to know about your girl talk. Sit, stay awhile. Share.” Even wasted I got excited thinking about Gigi discussing our sex with Charli.

  “Finn, the knowledge I could share with you might blow your fucking mind, handsome,” Suddenly I was super alert and I sat forward, watching her, “now get that mountain you call a body up. Let me get you sobered up so we can talk. The Coopers might let you soothe your heartbreak with whores and liquor; I won’t. Come on.”

  I knew right then just why Cage was so crazy about her. The gentleness behind her gray eyes made me want to obey her. I felt tears stinging the corners of my eyes again. Damn, this heartbreak shit didn’t fuck around.

  “Yes, Charli Doll.” I stood on unsteady feet and she draped my thick arm around her slender shoulders.

  We didn’t speak as she navigated the tables and the booths, leading me out into the cold night. The crisp air stung my eyes, and I realized I had come wearing a jacket. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to go back in there. Maybe ever again. I watched her as she led me to her huge truck.

  Charli was hot; I just wasn’t supposed to notice.

  Cage saw her first, and I was crazy over Gigi, but if not...damn, I’d want to learn my way around those curves of hers. Tall and built, though a little shorter than my Gigi, she reminded me of a pin up model.

  Thick thighs and a nice round ass, breasts that made those cardigans and button ups she wore look indecent. Yeah, she was hot. I felt guilty giving her the once over. Because hot or not, Charli was no Gigi.