Driving Home for Christmas

by A. L. Michael

  They lay on Lucas’ bed kissing, as they had a hundred times before, with that desire welling up, until she just wanted to be as close as she could, wrapping her legs around him as he rocked against her. But as soon as they’d taken all their clothes off, and lay naked under his blankets, she suddenly felt very foolish. It didn’t help that he kept asking if it was okay every five minutes.

  She stared at the ceiling, Alice Cooper staring back at her, along with every other rock star that her boyfriend had blue-tacked to the ceiling. That probably wasn’t helping.

  ‘I just…I want it to be special for you,’ Lucas kept saying, softly stroking her arm as she rested her head on his chest.

  ‘I don’t mind,’ Megan said, yet again, wondering if everything was always so awkward, and why they had to talk about things all the time. ‘You know what you’re doing, why don’t you just take the lead, and I’ll tell you if I’m uncomfortable?’

  Lucas exhaled. ‘I don’t know what I’m doing!’

  ‘You’ve had sex before!’

  ‘Yeah, but never with you!’ he said, like it was obvious.

  She rested on her side so she could look at him. ‘What the hell does that mean? I’m so grotesque you’ve got to try harder?’

  Lucas closed his eyes, visibly asking for patience, growling a little. ‘No, I love you, you idiot! That makes it different! I’ve never done this with someone I’ve loved before!’

  Megan blinked. ‘Oh. I didn’t think that made a difference.’

  ‘Yeah, well it does,’ he mumbled, grumpy.

  She didn’t know why that made her feel better, but she stroked a finger along his chest, slowly moving down beneath the covers. ‘Well, I guess we’ll have to just make it up as we go along then,’ she winked. After that everything seemed a lot easier.

  ***

  ‘So…that was a blast from the past,’ Lucas said as they sat at the counter on bar stools, eating their dinner, barely looking at each other.

  ‘Why do you always have to do that? You can never just not mention something,’ Megan sighed.

  ‘Well, I thought it was pretty obvious it happened, as we’re both here. You wanna sit here, pretend that didn’t happen, and then go home and be awkward?’

  No, I want you to throw the plates on the floor and do me here and now, her mind betrayed her, and she twitched her mouth in irritation.

  She stabbed at her salad. ‘I don’t know what happened. And I don’t know what you want me to say. One minute we’re all “I miss you” and the next we’re sticking our tongues down each other’s throats like a couple of –’

  ‘Teenagers,’ Lucas said pointedly, ‘that’s all we’ve ever known, Angel.’

  Megan took a deep breath, and exhaled. ‘I haven’t slept with anyone else. I mean, I haven’t had a relationship, or anything, since having Skye.’

  ‘You haven’t had sex in eleven years?’ Lucas’ jaw dropped. ‘How? Why?’

  ‘Because I’m a mother! You think I’m just going to let someone into my life like that? Have my kid see me keep trying to find someone, because our family isn’t enough for me? I won’t do that.’

  Lucas paused. ‘Never stopped my mum.’

  ‘And I knew how much that upset you. And Clare. And I didn’t want that for Skye. I don’t…I don’t do this.’

  Lucas reached for her hand, gently stroking the back of it as she put down her fork. ‘It’s just me. ’

  ‘So we’re meant to just pick up where we left off, is that it?’ She shook her head, exasperated.

  ‘No, but maybe we could admit that there’s something still here. That whatever issues we had, love wasn’t really the problem.’

  She nodded. ‘That’s true.’

  ‘The problem was your inability to trust anyone else with your shit, lean on anyone and let them help you.’

  She pulled back her hand. ‘Now wait a minute –’

  Lucas raised his eyebrows. ‘Was anything about that statement essentially untrue?’

  ‘We were going on different paths, there was no point dragging you down, I had to be responsible for my own mistakes…’ She ticked off the reasons on her fingers.

  ‘I’m not talking about when you got pregnant, although that’s a factor. I’m talking about wanting to break up in the first place. You couldn’t have one tie to this place. You had to have all or nothing, and it’s the same now. Denying yourself any interaction, any love or affection in ten years? You’re young, Megan.’

  ‘I don’t feel like it,’ she huffed, arms crossed until she realised she looked like a moody teenager, and sipped her wine snootily.

  Lucas started a new offensive. ‘And what do you think Skye’s relationships are going to be like, when she’s seen her mother close herself off, never let anyone get close? You don’t think she’s going to pick up the same idea; that no one can be trusted to take you as you are?’

  Megan slammed her hand down on the table. ‘That’s enough! Stop bringing my daughter into this like she’s your trump card. I don’t want her to get attached to someone who might not stick around. It’s been us against the world since forever, and she’s been fine with that.’

  Lucas leaned in. ‘Then why is she asking about her dad?’

  ‘Because we never should have come here!’ Megan stood up. ‘And I should never have done this, it’s ridiculous. Acting like we’re kids again – we’re not! I am a grown-up with bigger responsibilities than having sex and feeling butterflies. My kid has to come first. Always. She is always going to come first, Lucas.’

  Megan looked around for her coat, and pushed in her chair. ‘I’m sorry, this was a bad idea. Thank you for dinner.’

  Lucas stood up and followed her across the room. ‘It wasn’t, it wasn’t a bad idea.’ He put his arms around her waist, leaning his forehead against hers, and she let him, because she was weak, and he was warm, and comforting, and still smelled just like him, that unchangeable essence that was Lucas. She closed her eyes.

  ‘I’m not asking to come first. I’m not asking for anything, except for you to let me in. Take a holiday from your life for a few more days. I promise when you go I won’t beg you to stay.’ His voice was a gravelly whisper, and she felt his breath against her cheek.

  What did she have to lose, really? A few days with Lucas, feeling wanted and warm and alive, before she went back to that life that she’d been sleepwalking through?

  ‘I’ll beg you to stay now though, if necessary.’ She heard the smile in his voice and opened her eyes. His eyes had always got to her, she could stare at them for ages, that sapphire blue that seemed too bright to be real.

  ‘Okay,’ her voice was croaky, ‘okay.’

  He pulled her close until they were completely aligned, kissing her delicately, exploring, opening her up until she was desperate for him, tugging at the thin knit jumper he had on until he pulled it over his head and chucked it across the room. She took a moment to look at him, tracing the lines of his body. He’d been slim before, a wiry frame, but this body had been toned and tuned with purpose. She traced a finger along the ‘v’ of his hipbone, unsure of why it turned her on so much.

  ‘A little different,’ Lucas smirked, reaching for her, holding her against his hard chest.

  ‘Very,’ she breathed against him, feeling him turn her around so he could unzip her dress. She paused, then pulled down the leggings and the dress, standing there in her black bra and knickers. She waited for the assessment, nervous of how he would see her adult body, no longer lithe and athletic, but curved and soft.

  ‘Woah.’ His eyes were focused on her chest. ‘Those are different too.’ He kissed down her neck to her breasts, licking and sucking through the thin lace fabric, until she felt she was about to pass out. The blood seemed to rush from her head, and all she was left with was a dizzying need. She growled a little as he bit her nipple gently, and pulled him closer by the belt buckle. She needed to be pushed up against him, needed his weight on her.

  ‘Bedroom?’ he gasp
ed against her neck as her hand dropped lower, caressing him through his jeans. He grabbed her hand and dragged her through one of the doors next to the kitchen.

  She blinked as he turned the lamp on, so the white room was illuminated in a soft golden glow. He backed her up against the bed until her knees hit, and she lay back, just looking at him. He watched her for a moment, bare-chested, a look of wonder on his face. She scanned him again, noticed the tattoos that weren’t there before, the muscles, the scars. She wanted to map out his body and know the story behind every mark. Later. For now, she just wanted him against her, inside her, desperately, in a way she’d never felt before. She had to have him.

  Megan pulled his hand, dragging him down so he was on top of her, kissing him again. She could feel him against her, and reached down to undo his belt, the heavy silver buckle deliciously cool against her skin.

  He was attached to her neck, biting softly, just enough to make her crazy. It had never been like this before. As she struggled with his belt his fingers grazed her hip, settling just under the waistband of her underwear. A deep intake of breath as his fingers slipped lower, teasing her, making her desperate, moving in a pattern, but never quite getting close enough.

  ‘Luke…’ she sighed, throwing her head back.

  ‘Way ahead of you.’ He kissed her cheek before getting up, shrugging out of his jeans and underwear, and going to the dresser for a condom. Megan blushed, because she hadn’t even been thinking about that, she’d been thinking about him hurrying the hell up. She watched with interest as he rolled it down carefully. They’d never really looked at each other before, she realised. Everything was under covers, touches and movements. She felt her heartbeat quicken with the realisation that it was finally happening. She was sitting on the edge of the bed as he came back, grinning the grin of a man who was about to get what he wanted. He leaned down to kiss her, and scooped her up, so she was forced to wrap her legs around his waist for balance. She felt him move against her, rocking back and forth, the thin fabric of her underwear still between them, tantalisingly close but not close enough. She squirmed and Lucas seemed to agree, standing her carefully back on the floor, and kneeling down to kiss her hipbones as he slowly pulled her underwear down. He grinned up at her, those eyes shining, and she pulled him up, pushing him onto the bed and climbing on top of him.

  ‘Way to take control, Angel,’ he gasped against her mouth as she reached for him, guiding him into her, painfully slowly, savouring the contact. She watched his eyes widen as she moved against him, moving her hips, slowly at first and then quicker as his fingers dug into her thighs. He gripped her harder, keeping her steady as she kept moving, that deep rhythmic pull within pushing her faster and harder against him, until her body stilled suddenly, tensing as he did, collapsing against him.

  They lay there in silence for a few moments, breathing heavily, until Megan lifted up her head to look at him.

  ‘Definitely wasn’t like that before!’ Lucas laughed.

  ‘I’m starting to see the advantages of being an adult,’ Megan laughed, rolling off him and lying on the bed.

  ‘When I said I missed you, I don’t think I made it clear how much…’ Lucas grinned, stroking her stomach with a fingertip.

  ‘I really think you did,’ Megan replied, curling up on him and promptly falling asleep.

  Chapter Eight

  August 2003

  ‘My parents will not give me a break!’ Megan ranted, stalking into Lucas’ room, smelling of booze and cigarettes.

  ‘Do they know you’re here?’ he said seriously, looking at the clock. It was eleven pm.

  ‘No, I just…I had to get out.’

  Lucas rolled his eyes and went out to the landing, ‘Linda? Can you call Megan’s parents and tell them she’s here? And I’ll drive her back tomorrow?’

  He walked back into the room and gave her a look that said “look what a position you’ve put me in”.

  ‘Why do you always do that? You’re meant to be on my side!’

  ‘I am. I also like seeing you. And if you keep acting like a kid, they’re not going to let you spend time with me,’ he said sensibly. ‘This way, it looks like I’m very responsible, and Linda knows what’s going on.’

  ‘She doesn’t!’

  ‘No, but it’s better that your parents think she does, isn’t it?’

  ‘Urgh!’ Megan threw herself on the bed. ‘Why are you the sensible one?’

  Lucas lay down on the bed next to her, staring at the ceiling. ‘Because I don’t have parents on my case to make the most of my potential. Bless Linda, but she doesn’t think I have any potential. All I’ve got to do is get a job and stay out of prison.’

  ‘I think you’ve got potential,’ she said, lifting her head up.

  ‘I know,’ he laughed, ‘but the point is, Angel, your parents are the real deal. They have a good life, and that’s what they want for you.’

  She raised an eyebrow, leaning her head on her hand as she lay there looking at him, her bright cherry-dyed hair hanging over her shoulder, and her black eyeliner smudged.

  ‘Heather and Jonathan have everything. They don’t hate their jobs, they’re married, they have a house, a family they love spending time with. They have hobbies and they’re still in love, all these years later. Nothing can ruin that oasis, can it?’

  ‘Except if their only daughter doesn’t get into Cambridge or whatever.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘Matty never gets any of this.’

  ‘Matty isn’t as smart as you are,’ Lucas said sensibly. ‘One day you’ll see, when you’re missing one of the pieces of the puzzle, that they had it all.’

  ‘You were the one who told me to rebel, remember? You said all those years ago that it wasn’t really living!’ she argued.

  ‘That’s because I was trying to get into your knickers,’ he shrugged.

  ‘You were not!’

  Lucas just raised an eyebrow and grinned at her as he started rolling a cigarette.

  ‘It wasn’t a life,’ Megan said simply, staring at the ceiling. ‘All I did was try to be what they wanted me to be. I’m still doing it now. Still studying and killing myself to go to a university I’m not even bothered about, just because it’s their dream. My rebellion is just playing in a band and seeing you.’

  ‘And apparently getting drunk by yourself on a Tuesday night.’

  ‘It’s the summer!’

  ‘I know, baby, but…’

  Megan’s eyes widened. ‘What weird alternate reality is this? You’re Lucas Bright, remember? Rebel, bad boy, bringer of rock n roll?’

  ‘I’m the guy who wants my girlfriend to spend time with me. Which can’t happen if her parents lock her up for acting like a kid.’

  ‘I hate when you’re all sensible,’ Megan pouted.

  ‘Me too. I prefer it when you’re the stick in the mud and I’m the super fun one,’ he grinned, ‘so let’s return to our regularly scheduled programming, shall we?’

  ***

  A little while later, Megan jumped up in shock, finding herself asleep in Lucas’ bed.

  ‘Shit!’ She started looked for her clothes. ‘My parents are going to kill me for being out this late!’

  Lucas burst out laughing, watching her trying to untangle her underwear.

  ‘What?’ she asked, pulling them on and doing up her bra.

  ‘Just…nostalgia. Some things don’t change however old you are.’

  ‘Hey, their house, their rules,’ she grinned, moving back to kiss him. ‘This was really…something.’

  He held her chin and kissed her again. ‘It really was. Up for a few more walks down memory lane before you go back to London?’

  ‘We never did that on memory lane!’ Megan pulled her dress over her head, turning around for Lucas to zip her up. ‘But yes, I would love to spend some more time with you.’

  ‘Good. I’d love to hang out with Skye too, sometime. If that’s okay…’

  He watched as Megan pursed her lips, thoughtful, pullin
g up her leggings.

  ‘Don’t have to though, we can keep this just about us. I know trusting other people with your daughter is a big deal.’

  ‘I trust you,’ she shrugged, tailing off.

  ‘Either way, it sounds good to me,’ Lucas said softly, kissing her palm. ‘You going now?’

  ‘Well, as soon as you’re ready to drive me,’ she said primly, ‘I can’t be seen leaving Lucas Bright’s house at…two am! The scandal!’

  He stood up wearily, reaching for his underwear. ‘Anything to keep your reputation intact, kid.’

  ***

  September 2002

  They were sitting in her room. She was lying on the bed, feet up against the wall, and he was across the room in her armchair, rolling a cigarette.

  ‘You can’t smoke that in here,’ she said for the hundredth time.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘So why bother?’

  ‘Something to do?’ Luke shrugged, examining his black painted fingernails.

  They sat around, unsure of what to do any more. School was about to start again, and something had shifted over the summer. Megan had started dating Greg, the boy from the baker’s, and Luke was sort-of-almost-nearly seeing this girl who worked at Blockbusters. They’d pretty much spent their summer buying cakes and watching movies, each nudging the other forward in the quest to find someone to stick their tongue down your throat. Fliss was about eighteen, had tattoos and piercings, and looked permanently unimpressed with the world. But she did lend them certificate 18 movies with no questions asked, so Lucas thought it must be love. Greg was in their year at school, one of those rugby boys with the winning smile. They’d known him before his growth spurt, back when he’d been this normal shy sort of boy. Then suddenly he was six foot, the braces came off and he had abs. He was the dream scenario for all those Year nine boys just desperately hoping that they were the lucky duckling who was destined to be a swan. Even if it meant getting bashed in the head by a bunch of posh gits every Sunday.