A Different Side (University Park #4)

by C. M. Doporto

  “What?” She leaned forward, trying to get me to look at her.

  If I looked her in the eyes, I’d cave. “Lexi, I…I really like you. I do.” My head lowered as the pain struck my chest repeatedly.

  Lexi took a deep breath and then, said, “Let me guess. You don’t want to see me anymore.”

  Hearing those words was pure torture. Worse than a broken bone or ripped muscle.

  I turned slowly in her direction, finally making eye contact. “I’m not good for you, Lexi.”

  “Don’t say that. You’re a great person, Raven.” Her eyes glazed over and she blinked away the tears.

  This was killing me, more than she knew. But I couldn’t back down. I had to do the right thing. I could think of a million reasons why I was bad for her, but I could also think of a million reasons not to give her up.

  “It’s the truth and you know it. You deserve to be with a guy who has his shit together and isn’t a total screw up like me.” I set my helmet on the bleacher, afraid I might crush it with my hands.

  I hated doing this to her.

  To us.

  “But you’re not a screw up Raven. Can’t you see that?” She grabbed my arms, forcing me to face her. “You’re a great guy and an awesome football player, with an awesome future ahead of you.”

  I shook my head. “Lexi, my family isn’t like your family. We’re all effed up.” How could I make her see we weren’t right for each other? We were better off going our separate ways.

  Lexi’s eyes filled with pain and I knew she was hurting as much as I was. “I’m not here to judge you, Raven. I know you’ve had it rough and you deserve to have someone that will be there for you. Encourage you. Support you.” Her hands clasped mine tightly. “I want to be that person.”

  God. She was killing me. I pulled away. I couldn’t get caught up in her words. They were too intoxicating and she was too tempting. My heart was determined to get what it wanted. But I refused to let it. “I wish you could be, but it’s better that you aren’t. You’re too good for me.”

  Her body slumped forward and then she straightened with a renewed purpose. “I’m sorry that you think I’m Miss Goody Two-Shoes, but I’ve got news for you.” She shoved her finger in my chest. “I’m not as innocent as you think.”

  “Oh, come on.” I had to hold back a laugh. “Who are we kidding? You had never drank a beer or took a shot of liquor until you met me.”

  “That was my choice.” She glared at me. “I didn’t have to drink the things you offered me, but I did because I wanted to.”

  Damn, she was so freakin’ hot when she was mad. I hated it and loved it at the same time.

  Lexi had me drugged with her love. It was like nothing I’d ever experience before and I wanted more of it. But this was all I would ever get.

  I cupped her face, unable to resist touching her any longer. The softness of her skin in my palm drove me crazy. Now I was the one strung out on her. It was killing me, knowing all I had to do was kiss her and end all of this nonsense. But I couldn’t. I’d have to find a way to let go. Because I had to. “I’ll destroy you, Lexi. Trust me.”

  “No, you won’t.” Tears streaked her cheeks and my chest pounded as my heart shattered in a thousand pieces. “Because I won’t let that happen to either of us.”

  As much as I wanted to believe her, I couldn’t. She had no idea what I was capable of doing to her. “Lexi, my problems stem deeper than you can imagine. All of the forces of nature couldn’t keep me from doing some of things I know I’m not supposed to do. I’ll just pull you down with me and I can’t do that to you.” I stared deep into her eyes for the last time.

  “Raven, please don’t do this.” Her voice thickened as the tears continued to fall.

  There was no easy way to do this. I needed to stop this conversation and just go.

  “Please, Lexi.” I dropped my hands from her face and rested my forehead to hers. “Don’t make this harder for us. Just go back to your fiancé.”

  “What?” She jerked her head away and the tears stopped.

  “You heard me, Collin is waiting for you.” I hated throwing him in the mix, but it was the only way to stop this heartache.

  “How do you know that?” Her words were curt and sharp. “What exactly did Delaney tell you?”

  I didn’t mean to get Delaney involved and wanted to punch myself for mentioning his name. But I did it as a last resort.

  “Not much... really.” I stumbled through the conversation we’d had, unable to recall exactly what she told me. The reality was I had done some homework on my own. Though, I didn’t find out much — at least, nothing more than Delaney had told me. “But I know who Collin is—”

  “You know Collin Norris? Personally?” she snapped, and her cheeks flashed red. I had definitely pissed her off.

  I eased back and softened my tone. “Well, not personally, but I know of him.” I hated to point out all the reasons why she needed to choose him instead of me, but I had to. “He’s a good guy. His dad’s a preacher and he’s the one you should be with, not me.”

  “Oh my God!” She shot up. “You know nothing about him, yet you’re ready to dump me at his doorstep.” Her hands flailed in the air and she stomped her feet. The metal reverberated, making her message clear. “I guess you really don’t care about me or what makes me happy because it sure isn’t Collin.”

  Shit. This was harder than I thought.

  “Lexi, please.” I took her by the hand, urging her to sit. “Calm down.”

  She wiped the tears from her eyes and I hated I was the one who put them there. Her eyes closed and she took a few deep breaths. I wanted to pull her into my arms and tell her everything would be okay. That I would give her what she needed and more, but that wasn’t realistic. I’d never deliver on my promises. I’d only disappoint her.

  Her eyes opened and she stared deep into mine, showing me everything she was feeling.

  Hurt.

  Anger.

  Disappointment.

  It was all there. And it confirmed why she needed to move on without me.

  She placed her hand on my face, keeping her our gazes connected. “It’s you who makes me happy. It’s you who makes my heart beat wildly. It’s you who has showed me more affection than Collin ever had in the four years we were together. You’ve given me more attention than anyone ever has. Attention that I need and want. Raven, I want to be with you. Is that such a bad thing?”

  Oh. God. No. She was deeper in my trap than I realized.

  “It is when you’re a guy like me.” I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. Hearing those words brought me to my knees. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. “I’m sorry, Lexi, but I can’t see you anymore.” I picked up my helmet, needing to leave before I gave in to her every word. “You’re better off without me.” I stood, stepped off the bleachers, and headed to the field, not turning back. Walking away from the very thing I wanted the most was the hardest thing I’d ever done and I didn’t feel good about my decision. But I did what had to be done. I saved her from me.

  ∑

  Chapter 20

  Bad things do happen, how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have — life itself.

  ~Walter Anderson

  Everything sucked.

  Life.

  School.

  Love.

  The only thing I had going for me was football. Sunday was the press conference and I couldn’t wait. All the analysts had pegged our opponent as Tri-Gold State University Eagles and I was counting on their predictions. They had a twelve and two record, making them a perfect match for PHU. Playing at the Lone Star Bowl would be a dream come true.

  The door to the apartment opened and Josh stomped in. “Woo!” He dumped his backpack on the floor. “I’m done! Yeah!” He made a fist and jerked his arm back. />
  I turned and shot him a sloppy smile. “Congrats, man. Once semester left.” I held up a half-empty bottle of whiskey. “Cheers.”

  “What the fu—?” He slammed the door. “Are you done with finals, too?”

  “Nope.” I shook my head. “I have one on Monday and one on Wednesday.” I retracted my hand when he didn’t take the bottle.

  “Dude, what the hell are you doing?” Josh grabbed the bottle before I could take another sip.

  I shrugged. “Celebrating for you and the bowl game.”

  He eyed me suspiciously as he sat on the coffee table in front of me. “Bullshit.” He took a whiff of the bottle. “Whew. If you’re going to get drunk at least drink something better than this shit.”

  “It’s all I could find.” I nodded toward the kitchen.

  Josh set the bottle next to him. Resting his arms against his legs, he leaned forward. “So, you gonna tell me what’s going on?”

  “What?” I shrugged. “I’m good.”

  He shook his head, not buying my lies. “What did you do now?”

  I crossed my arms behind my head and leaned back. “Nothing, man. I’m telling you.”

  “You just felt like downing half a bottle of cheap whiskey for the hell of it?”

  Closing my eyes, I tried not to think of the real reason. I hated being weak. Letting go of Lexi should have been easy. Nothing to it. But it wasn’t and I hated that I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I had to do something, anything, to stop thinking about her. Drinking was the first thing that came to mind.

  “Yeah, why not,” I slurred, feeling the room spin around me. The liquor had hit and I was drunk. But I didn’t care. I liked how it numbed my head, making me forget all the incessant pain in my chest. A pain I never felt before and I was sure had something to do with love. Love sucked. I would never fall for it again.

  “Okay, if everything’s good, let’s go get something to eat. Shelby’s on her way so call Lexi and let’s go.”

  My eyes shot open. “Not happening.” I tried to stand and then fell back against the cushions. If everything would stay still then I could get up and leave.

  “Why not?” He pressed me for an answer. “Huh?”

  I dragged my hands over my face, wiping away the sweat. “Because we’re done.”

  Josh grunted. “Since when?”

  I brought my arm up to my face and stared carefully at my watch. “Since twenty-three hours and seventeen minutes ago.”

  Josh laughed.

  “What’s so funny about that?” I allowed my arm to fall to the couch, resisting the urge to punch him in the face for laughing.

  “You’re drunk off your ass and you can still count. It’s crazy.”

  I chuckled. “That’s because I rock when it comes to numbers.”

  “Yeah, man, you do.” Josh patted my leg. “So, what happened between you and Lexi?”

  I cringed. I wasn’t prepared to explain, even though the answer was easy. But nothing in life was easy. There were no happy endings. No precious moments. Life gave you everything you deserved. Shit. And then more shit. And when you thought you couldn’t handle any more, it laughed and threw even more shit.

  I rolled my shoulders, trying to work out the ache in my chest. I hated it and wanted it to go away. Liquor. I needed more. I leaned forward to grab the bottle.

  “No.” Josh snatched the bottle from the table before I could get it. “You’ve had enough already.”

  “Come on, man. Just one more drink.” I shuddered at my own words. Every time I slipped, I would always say, Just one more hit. C’mon, what’s one more?

  And then I felt that hunger. It filled my body, salivating every gland in my mouth. I longed for the taste of it. The rush. The thrill. Nothing felt as good as the smoke filling my lungs and funneling through my blood as every muscle relaxed. The calmness it brought, erasing every hurt and bad memory with each puff.

  No!

  I refused. My demons wouldn’t drag me back down that path. I’d come too far. Not now. I had a bowl game ahead of me. Weed was not the answer for my pain. Not this time.

  Josh took a swig and then wiped his mouth. “Not until you tell me what happened.”

  My head fell forward and I stared him, trying to focus while the room tilted from side to side. “She’s too good for me and you know it.”

  “Aw, man.” Josh moved from the coffee table to the couch. “Who told you that lie?”

  I tried to grab the bottle from his hand, but he refused to let go. “It’s no lie. It’s the truth.”

  “I disagree. She’s perfect for you and she’s exactly what you need.”

  “Whatever, dude.” I reclined against the couch. “She’s like this perfect angel, the epitome of what every guy dreams about and wants.” Images of Lexi danced around in my head and I wanted to call her so bad. “She deserves so much better, so much more. Not a fuck up like me, Josh.”

  “Raven, you need a good girl. Not one of these hoes who are just in it for the money.”

  Josh was right about one thing. Lexi wasn’t part of the fantasy wife’s football club. She wasn’t after me because she hoped I landed with a pro team. Her goal wasn’t to be my trophy wife. She liked me for who I was — with or without titles. She had her own goals and aspirations. That made her different from most of the girls caught in my trap and that’s what I liked about her. She was definitely an upgrade.

  “You’re right about that, but come on, look at who she was engaged to. Collin Norris. The poster child for PHU athletics. How the hell can I compete with that?”

  “You don’t have to.” Josh took another drink from my bottle. “That battle is over. You already won, dude.” He handed me the whiskey. “You should drink to that.”

  And I did. Maybe he was right, but then again, I wasn’t what she deserved. “Yeah, but she’s so innocent. So perfect. And I’m like the thug from the opposite side of the tracks. I know her parents want the best for her and it’s not me.”

  I took another swig and then Josh took the bottle and swallowed a gulp of the amber liquid. “How do you know that? Have you met her parents?”

  “No, not yet.” Though I didn’t want to admit it, I was scared to meet them. I reclaimed the bottle once again and took several swallows.

  “Then you shouldn’t worry about that right now. Just get to know her, like I told you. Spend time together, like you’ve been doing. Let the relationship grow.”

  “It will never work.” I pinched the bridge of my nose, feeling the numbness take over. “I’ll just bring her down with me and you know it. It’s only a matter of time before I fall again.”

  “What?” Josh snatched the bottle from my hand. “I don’t think so. I’m not going to let that happen.” He shot off the couch and headed to the kitchen.

  “What are you doing?” I stumbled my way to the bar.

  Josh was emptying the bottle in the sink.

  “Why are you doing that?” I tried to stop him, but it was too late. The liquor was gone.

  He turned on the water. “You’re done getting drunk. Time to sober up and face your demons. We’ve got a championship to win.”

  “Whatever, dude.” I collapsed on the barstool. “I’ve been battling them forever. They’re not going anywhere.”

  He opened the fridge and took out two tall bottles of water. “Drink up.”

  I rolled my eyes as I broke the seal to the cap. I chugged half the bottle and burped. “Happy?”

  With both hands on the counter, he leaned forward. “Look, man, I don’t want to see you slip back to the wrong side. You’ve come too far.” He pointed at me and then himself. “We’ve worked too hard for you to return to the pits. I won’t let you get pulled back under, not again.”

  I continued drinking the water. “Thanks, man, I appreciate that. But the truth is…I can only be strong for so long. It’s not easy.”

  “Damn it!” He pounded the counter with his fist. “That’s not the right answer,” he pointed his fing
er at me, “and you know it.”

  “Sorry, man, but it’s the truth.”

  He shook his head and ran a hand down his face. His temples pulsed and his nostrils flared with each breath he took. “You’re better than that and you know it. You’re The Raven, best damn quarterback in the South Central Conference. Hell, the entire college football conference.” He raised his hands in the air.

  I threw my head back and laughed. “If that’s the true, why aren’t the scouts coming after me? Huh?” He glared at me, at a loss for words. “Because no one wants a guy like me with off- field issues. And you know it.” I pointed to him.

  “Then change, damn it!” He pounded the counter again. “You’ve got too much at stake not to. Can’t you see that?”

  I crunched the plastic bottle in my palm. He had a point. I was The Raven. Fast and light-footed. Taking flight across the field like a bird — a raven. That innate instinct made me nearly untouchable. The saying was they had to touch me first before they could tackle me. And not many could. That’s what made me a damn good quarterback.

  “I do…and I will,” I whispered under my breath. “I refuse to fail.”

  “Damn right!” Josh lilted. “You’re a Dragon. You play with passion and pride. You fight to the end.”

  The words circled around in my head, igniting a fire in the pit of my stomach.

  I am a Dragon.

  I play with passion and pride.

  I fight to the end!

  And I would fight to the end. I would win this battle against my demons. No girl, not even Lexi, would pull me back into the depths of despair. I was better than that.

  “Yeah, man!” I pounded my chest, feeling the adrenaline rise within me. Josh was right. I couldn’t throw all of this away over some girl. What the fuck was wrong with me? The team was relying on me. We had a bowl game to win. And we would win it.

  “That’s what I’m talking about.” Josh high-fived me. “Now, either call Lexi and get back with her, or move on, dude. No time for crying over pussy.”