“Let me expand the picture.” Shawn spread two fingers across the screen in a V and handed him the phone again. “Do you see Jared dropping something into Raven’s glass?”
The coached stared at the phone, squinting his eyes. “Let me get my glasses.”
I perched on the edge of my chair, leaning onto the desk. I was dying to know what that picture contained and how Shawn got it.
Picking up his glasses from his desk, he put them on. Coach’s fingers swept across the screen as he studied the picture. After a few long seconds, he pulled his glasses off. His already tanned skin turned a shade brighter. “Damn it, Raven!” He slapped the desk with his hand. “Why must you keep hanging around this guy? He’s nothing but trouble. What’s it going to take? You in the grave?” He shook his head and handed me the phone. “It’s Harrington, alright, and he’s obviously dropping a few white pills into the glass you’re holding.”
I quickly took the phone, anxious to know what they were seeing. My stomach knotted at seeing my lips on Macy’s as I squeezed one of her butt cheeks. Not wanting to focus on that, I zoomed in on my drink. Jared was dropping something into my glass. That something being pills. Hydrocodone. Part of me was relieved that I had a good alibi, but another part was pissed that it happened.
“That motherfucker.” I clenched the phone tightly in my hands, ready to crush it as if it were his throat between my fingers. “Shit. I should’ve known it was him.”
“Hey, now, don’t kill my phone.” Shawn motioned for me to give it back to him.
“Sorry, man.” I released my death grip and returned his device. “It’s just…” I gritted my teeth together, trying to control the anger. I looked at Coach. “What are we going to do?”
“I don’t know.” Coach turned to his computer, typing and clicking away as fast as his thick fingers allowed. His head shook repeatedly and he sighed several times. “No…no,” he muttered under his breath. “Shit.” He pushed the keyboard away and let out a long breath. “Well, it’s all over social media. Everyone knows you were in the hospital.”
“Damn it!” I pounded the armrests with clenched hands. “I knew it wouldn’t take long to get around.”
“Can you please send me that picture, Shawn?” Coach ran his hand through his thick grey hair. He leaned back in his chair and folded his hands behind his head. His gaze darted to the ceiling, deep in thought. Was he preparing to tell me I was kicked off the team? That I was done? That football was over for me?
“Yes, sir.” Shawn quickly tapped his phone.
“Send it to me too, man.”
“Thanks, Shawn. If you don’t mind, I need to talk to Raven in private.”
“Of course.” Shawn gave me a pat on the back. “Good luck, man.”
The door opened and closed while I sat there, waiting for the verdict. With each passing second, my heart beat faster and harder. It was worse than throwing a Hail Mary in the last play of a game, but there was no one to blame but myself.
“Oh, Raven.” Coach buried his face in his hands and then dragged them down slowly. “Why is it so hard for you to do the right thing? I just don’t get it,” he said with a smirk. “What’s it going to take to wake you up, son?”
“I’m sorry, Coach. I screwed up…again.”
“That’s what you always say. You do good for a while and then slip. And the next thing I know, you’re back in my office and we’re discussing your fate. You have so much potential…so much going for you. I just don’t understand why you want to throw it all away.”
He was right. I hadn’t changed. I kept regressing into my old habits despite knowing where they’d take me. It was like I couldn’t get away from the pit of destruction. It was determined to follow me and swallow me up until I was trapped there forever. But I refused to let that happen. I had to stand strong against these demons and fight them with everything I had. Knowing I was willing to risk it all just to be with Lexi made me feel that much stronger. I had to stand strong and show them The Raven was one dragon that couldn’t be defeated.
“That’s just it, Coach. I don’t want to throw it away, but I can’t seem to get away from the cards I’ve been dealt.”
“Then get a new deck, son. It’s not that hard.”
I gripped the armrests for support. “I know…and I’m trying.”
“Are you and Lexi over?”
I shook my head. “No, we’re back together.”
“And she knows everything that happened?” He pegged me with a hard stare.
“Most of it.” Although I wasn’t sure whether she’d seen the picture Shawn just showed us, I was willing to bet she had. “She came to the hospital and hasn’t left my side.”
Coach rubbed his left eye. “She’s a damn good woman and you need to straighten up your act so you don’t lose her.”
“I know.” The reality of Lexi leaving me struck the center of my chest. Who was to say she wouldn’t leave me next time? I had already called it off twice, even if the second time was through no choice of my own. “I don’t want to lose her.”
“Then start making good choices, Raven, instead of foolish ones.”
“Yes, sir.” I shook my head.
“Apparently you have something that keeps her coming back. I mean, if she’s willing to leave Collin Norris that must mean something.”
His words were like pouring salt on an open wound. I guessed he had heard she’d been engaged to Collin. Despite how much it hurt to be reminded of that fact, he was right. “I’m trying, Coach, I really am.”
“There’s no trying, only doing.” He pointed a finger at me. “And I’m tired of seeing you mess up. You’re a damn good player and you know it. So pull your head out of your ass and get your shit together, son.” He not only had his coaching hat on, but his fatherly one.
“Yes, sir.” I nodded, taking in his advice. “What about the bowl game?”
He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. As much as I hate to tell you this, but your punishment will be suspension from the playoff game and disciplinary probation from the team. I can’t allow you to play knowing what happened the night before last.” The coach glanced at my medical report and then his phone.
“I understand.” Immediately, my eyes watered and my face got hot. I was pissed and relieved at the same time. This totally sucked. Part of me was thankful I didn’t have to play because I felt like shit, but the other part was mad because it was the chance of a lifetime. And I had screwed up. The thing that bothered me the most was the probation. Would I be able to return for spring training and play next year? It felt like someone knocked the air out of my lungs, leaving me unconscious on the field.
His head dropped and his shoulders sank. “I’ll also have to inform the Ethics Committee and the Dean of Admissions.”
“What?” My heart dropped to my stomach. “Why do they have to know?”
He folded his hands and leaned on his forearms against the desk. “Due to the nature of the offense, I have to inform them. I have no idea what will be decided since it won’t be my decision alone. The university will have to weigh-in on the discussion because it won’t just be about you playing football, but staying at PHU.”
“Oh no.”
“Yes, exactly. You’ve violated the student code of conduct. They might kick you out, permanently. And if they release you, then you can’t play football for PHU. Plain and simple.”
Shit. I hadn’t thought about that. I had more to worry about than I thought. But I had to own up to my mistakes and face the consequences. I just hoped this wasn’t the end of my football career.
Coach stood up and walked from behind his desk. “Just go home, get some rest, and wait to hear from me.” He rubbed his forehead a couple of times. “I have to figure out what we’re going to tell the media and fans.”
I rose slowly. My legs felt like every bone had disintegrated and only weak muscles were holding my body up. My throat tightened and my eyes stung. “Again, I’m sorry I let you down.”
He placed his h
and on my shoulder. “I’m glad to know you didn’t take the drugs on your own free will. I’m still pissed you went to Jared’s, though.” He shook his head and I could see the remorse he felt for me. “I’ll be praying for you, son.”
I wiped my face, feeling the drops of moisture that had seeped from my eyes. “Thank you. I appreciate it.” He walked me to the door and I opened it to see Lexi, Shawn, and Shelby waiting for me. Despite all the friend support I had, I needed all the prayers I could get.
Σ
Chapter 32
I really believe that all of us have a lot of darkness in our souls. Anger, rage, fear, sadness.
I don’t think that’s only reserved for people who have horrible upbringings. I think it really exists and is part of the human condition. I think in the course of your life you figure out a way to deal with that.
~Kevin Bacon
Josh and Shelby brought Lexi and me back to the apartment. He said when the media bypassed the players and headed straight to the athletic offices, he knew they got word about what had happened. I was grateful he was there waiting for us with his truck because when we exited the building, news reporters bombarded us, each of them wanting more information. I refused to tell them anything, recalling what Josh’s uncle, who served as my attorney back in the spring, taught me.
I think what resonated with me the most was the fact that Josh and Shawn were standing by my side, supporting me, just like Lexi. Even though I screwed up and made a bad decision, they remained loyal. But I hadn’t remained loyal to my word. I’d promised them I would stay away from Jared. Shawn knew me all too well — keeping a close watch on me when he didn’t have to. In all honesty, I was glad he did. Otherwise, I might be dead right now.
We walked into the apartment and I went straight to my room, not saying a word. I hated to shut Lexi out, but I needed some time alone. Time to process what had happened. Think about the mistakes I had made and the consequences I was facing.
I untucked my shirt and then pulled off my tie, tossing it on my dresser. Instead of lying on the bed, I sat on the leather chair in the corner of my room. Even though my body was weak, I was tired of being in bed. I slumped to the side, resting my head against the palm of my hand. Everything hurt and ached. I’d never felt so bad in my entire life. It was worse than the flu or getting my ass kicked on the field.
I couldn’t stop thinking about what was going to happen once Coach told the Ethics Board and the Dean of Admission. Being dismissed from the bowl game was bad enough, but knowing I might be kicked out of school and off the team had me scared shitless. Football was all I had going for me. If they took that away from me…I don’t know what I’d do. My mom was going to freak when I told her. I pulled my phone from my back pocket and stared at the locked screen. I leaned forward and set it on my nightstand, unable to gather the courage to call her right now.
Not sure what to do or what to think, I considered what Josh told me. He recommended I call his uncle, William Marshall. Attorney Marshall had represented me last spring after Jared was pulled over for reckless driving and I got busted with a joint on me. Not only did he get the charges dismissed, agreeing I would attend rehab, he worked on getting them expunged from my record. Marshall was an excellent attorney and best of all, an alum of PHU, so it was in my favor to have him help me. Even though I wasn’t in trouble with the law this time, I could definitely use some professional advice when it came to my college and football career.
For several hours, I sat there, thinking about everything. The demons were doing their job, too — consuming me, piece by piece. Determined to destroy me until there was nothing left. They constantly reminded me of what a fuck up I was and how I wouldn’t amount to anything. That I didn’t stand a chance and I’d be kicked out of school and off the team. That Lexi would walk out the door and never talk to me again. They harassed and mocked me, filling my head with bullshit lies I struggled not to believe. Mainly because, deep down, I knew it was true.
The battle I struggled with the most was the guilt burning inside of me. Knowing what I had done with Macy, Abby, Reece, and the other women made me sick to my stomach. I might have thought I was having the time of my life, but I regretted every minute of it. There was no one to blame but me. I knew what I was doing. I thought screwing Macy and everyone else would help me forget about Lexi, help get her out of my mind. That was the worst mistake ever.
I hated that she saw the picture of Macy and me kissing. That pic might be my saving grace, but having to show it to everyone to prove I didn’t take the drugs on my own freewill sucked. And though it cleared me of the conviction, I was guilty, and I wasn’t sure which was worse. We might have been broken up, but I cheated on her nonetheless. I could only imagine what she thought and how she felt about what I did. Why she chose to stay with me was beyond my understanding. It just didn’t make sense. There was no erasing what I did and I wasn’t sure how I’d ever prove I was trustworthy.
Several hours later, the door cracked open and Lexi peeked in. I was still sitting in the same chair, practically in the same position, wide awake. The demons refused to allow me any rest. I was worn out mentally from their torment and physically from Jared trying to kill me.
“Raven?” She approached me slowly. “Are you okay?”
I kept my gaze focused on the floor, unable to look at her. Disgust, filth, disappointment, and heartache weighed down my body, cementing me firmly in place. Lexi knelt in front of me, trying to connect my eyes with hers. But I couldn’t look at her. I hurt the one person I loved and swore I’d protect no matter what. Some boyfriend I was.
“Is there anything I can do for you?” She placed her hand on my leg. The warmth penetrated through my pants and my body reveled in her presence. Only Lexi’s gentle touch and soothing words could make every bone shudder. She rubbed my thigh in slow strokes, kneading it with her soulful touch. “Tell me, babe. I can’t stand seeing you this way. Tell me what I can do.”
She knew exactly what to say and how to say it. Her words comforted me in the best way possible. Despite their intent, they didn’t change the fact that I was an unworthy piece of shit. That I was destined to fail, no matter what I did. There was nothing she could do to change that.
“I’m here for you.” The sincerity in her voice was clear, but it was only temporary. She’d be gone before long.
“Are you?” I lifted my heavy eyes, glancing at her.
“Of course I am,” she pleaded. “I said I’d be here for you, no matter what.”
“I know, but do you really want to be here for me? After everything I put you through, what I did...” I shook my head, cringing at my thoughts. I could never forgive myself.
Lexi sighed and her shoulders dropped. “Raven, if I didn’t want to be here, I wouldn’t be. I’m here because I love you. I didn’t have to go the hospital to see you, but I wanted to. I care for you, more than you realize.”
“Yeah, well, that’s only because you thought I was dead.” I had to face the facts. Lexi was only there because of my near-death experience. She was worried and that’s why she hadn’t left.
“Raven, please.” She clutched a hand to her chest. “Yes, I rushed to the hospital to make sure you were okay, but when you told me everything was a lie and you still loved me, I knew there wasn’t a place I’d rather be than with you.”
Her words were breaking me down. If she were being honest, then I was the fool who couldn’t see that this woman was madly in love with me. She was willing to risk everything to be with me. Give up her family for me. Love me no matter what. “But I’m so messed up.” My voice cracked and my eyes watered. Aside from my mom and Mimi, no one had shown this kind of love or care for me.
“No one’s perfect. I’m certainly not. But together, we are stronger. You even said it yourself.”
I managed to crack a smile at that remark. She was feeding me my own medicine, working to mend the ailments keeping me from opening my heart completely to her. “Did you just steal my line?
”
“Maybe. All I know is that when you’re hurting, I’m hurting, too.”
My body couldn’t take much more. Being without Lexi was like being without air. My lungs were deflated and my body weak. My heart didn’t beat the same when she wasn’t around. We were connected on a deeper level — a soulful connection only existing between her and me. I needed to know that she forgave me and was willing to give me another chance. I straightened and leaned forward, clasping my hands together. “I never intended to hurt you. I’m sorry.”
“I know you didn’t, but help me understand why you sent me that text.” Her voice rose two octaves and her eyes watered.
I thought she was upset about what I had done at the party, but it was obvious the coerced text was still plaguing her mind. I owed her an explanation and couldn’t put it off any longer. I took a deep breath and thought about the right words to use. It wasn’t going to be easy, but I had to man up and say it. I rubbed my thumbs against each other, feeling uneasy about placing the blame on her mom. But it was the truth and she needed to know.
“If you don’t want to talk about it right now, I understand.” She started to get up, but I grabbed her hand.
“Come here, baby.” I pulled her onto my lap and wrapped my arms around her. It felt like it had been years since I held her this close. In my arms is where she belonged — no one else. I needed to do whatever I could to re-establish the trust that I had lost.
I owed it to her.
To us.
I loved Lexi. She was the best thing that had happened to me and I didn’t want a day to pass without her knowing it. She was the angel who brought light to my broken path. She was my saving grace and regardless of what happened, I needed her in my life.
“I’m so sorry.” I stroked her soft hair. “I’m sorry that I nearly drank myself to death. That I was with those girls. That I was at Jared’s house when you asked me to never go there again. I’m sorry that I allowed your mom to get to me. That I let her convince me that I wasn’t good enough for you. But you have to understand, it’s not easy for me. When I look at you,” I lifted her chin, aligning our eyes, “I see this innocent and perfect woman that deserves a man that’s just as perfect. One that isn’t broken and shattered. A man without a tarnished past and with a bright future. And when I look at myself, I know I’m not that man.”
A Different Side (University Park #4) Page 39