A Different Side (University Park #4)

by C. M. Doporto

  “Yes, but my appointment isn’t until ten forty-five.” She proceeded to the next step. “I’ll walk with you to your appointment.”

  I eyed her for a moment, trying to staunch the voices telling me she didn’t trust me. That she doubted I’d change. That she’d want to know every detail of my sessions and wouldn’t rest until I told her. I gripped the strap of my backpack, trying to will them away, but they weren’t giving up. “I don’t need an escort.” I darted to the top, taking the steps two at a time.

  “Raven. Don’t be mad,” Lexi called after me.

  She was right. Why was I frustrated with her? She was only trying to help me. I paused at the top of the stairs, feeling bad for the way I was acting. I turned around and quickly moved to the side, allowing some students to pass. She placed her hand on my arm. “The last thing I want is for you to think I’m watching you like a parent or a policeman, because I’m not. I’m just here to support you. That’s all.”

  I backed up and let my head hit the wall behind me. With my hands balled into fists, I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths, facing the voices head on. They were persistent sons of bitches, but I told them to take a hike. I didn’t have time for their bullshit games.

  “I’ll leave if that’s what you want,” Lexi said in a low voice. “I was only trying to help.” I opened my eyes to see her turning to go down the stairs.

  Reaching for her hand, I said, “Don’t go. I’m sorry.”

  Lexi stopped and turned to face me. Her eyes searched mine and I could see the damage my actions and words were causing. “Why is it so hard to let me in? I only want to help you.”

  She had no idea what I was dealing with, nor did I expect her to. “You don’t want in, believe me. My mind can be a cold, dark place. Not a place for someone innocent like you.”

  She took a hard swallow and blinked rapidly. I could tell she wanted to understand, sympathize with me, but I couldn’t risk telling her. My painful experiences would only scare her away for good.

  “The only place I want in is right here.” She placed her hand on my chest. “If we can get your heart healed, then I know it can heal whatever torments your mind.” Her touch sent a ripple through my body and everything relaxed. Maybe she was right. I had so much pain in my heart, it left little room for those I truly loved. It was time for me to release it all so I could live my life and keep Lexi in it. “I’m not asking you to tell me those horrid thoughts, just open your heart to allow me in and love me.”

  “I do love you.” I smiled, feeling even more thankful for her. She gave me the strength and confidence I somehow lacked when it came to the healing I needed.

  “Then let me stand by your side. All I want is for you to get better.”

  I picked up her hand and pressed my lips to her palm. With our eyes connected, I said, “This isn’t going to be easy for me, Lexi. The last thing I want is to disappoint or hurt you again.”

  “That’s the last thing I want, too. But I’m going to keep my promise.”

  Those words pained me. Lexi knew how to stay committed to her word, but I didn’t. I had to be honest with her. It was the only way to gain her trust. Let her know what could happen, regardless of my intentions. “At what point will you see that I’m not worth that promise?”

  “Never.” Her voice shook and her eyes watered. “You’re worth it, no matter what you put us through.”

  “But you don’t deserve to be hurt anymore.” I stared directly into her eyes, waiting for her to agree, but she didn’t. Instead, she held my gaze, telling me she was in this one-hundred percent.

  “And neither do you. So, you do your part and I promise I’ll do mine.”

  Lexi knew how to put things into perspective. Any other girl would’ve already walked away or been down on her knees, begging me not to hurt her again. “How did I get so lucky?” I pulled her into a tight hug, not wanting to let go.

  She shrugged. “You must be on God’s special list. I’ll tell you that.”

  I chuckled and gave her a big smile. God knew the only list I truly belonged on was the naughty list. “I guess.” Latching on to her hand, I pulled her in the direction of the offices. “C’mon. I don’t want to be late.”

  We walked down the hall to the counseling center. I stared at the list of counselor names on the wall and the memories swarmed in like mad wasps that just had their hive sprayed with poison. I looked past the plaque on the wall to Lexi.

  “Give it a chance.” She rubbed my arm and I took a deep breath before opening the door.

  Bright, cheerful colors in light blue, green, and purple painted the walls along with pictures of beach houses. A huge sunflower arrangement rested at the center of the table. No matter what they did to the office, dreadful emotions still filled me.

  A young woman, most likely a student, wearing glasses and a peach sweater, greeted us. “Hello. Can I help you?”

  I stalled, trying to find my bearings. After a few seconds, Lexi gave me a gentle nudge. “Yes, I’m here to meet with Dr. Galen.”

  The girl gave me an overly satisfying smile. “Your name, please?”

  “Raven,” I cleared my throat, not wanting to say my name too loud. “Davenport.”

  She made a perfect O with her mouth and adjusted her glasses, before continuing. Clicking and typing away at the computer, she seemed to be making notes of me — or at least, that’s what I thought. “Please, have a seat. I’ll let him know you’re here.” She sounded more thrilled than I did. I prayed I wasn’t going to have any problems with her. That last thing I needed was her trying to wiggle into my trap.

  “Thanks.” I ignored her plea for attention and headed to a row of chairs. Lexi placed her hand on my lower back, as if telling the girl, hands off. It felt good. Unable to sit still, I shoved my hands in my pockets and remained standing. “If you need to go, I understand.” I kept my stance, trying not to look at the door begging me to run to it, or the receptionist who refused to take her eyes off me.

  Lexi glanced at her phone. “I’m good.” Then she did something I wasn’t expecting. She took a step toward the door. “Unless you want me to leave?”

  “No.” I shook my head. “I just didn’t want you to be late.” Lexi resumed her position next to me, proving she was there for me, no matter what.

  The receptionist stood up, and said, “Dr. Galen is ready to see you.” Leaning against her desk, she shifted her weight to the side, sticking her ass out for me to see. Her tight skirt revealed smooth curves without lines, which meant one thing: thong or no panties. Without warning, she quickly sat down and I shook the forbidden thoughts from my mind.

  As I stood near the hallway leading to the therapists’ offices, a wooden door on the left hand side caught my attention. It appeared to be golden rather than dark brown. I stopped for a moment, watching as the door literally changed colors in front of my eyes. Instead of alarming me, it lured me in, giving me a sense of security and filling me with an indescribable peace I’d never felt before. I blinked, trying to clear my vision, but the door didn’t change. Something told me this is where I’d finally find healing.

  I turned toward Lexi, feeling confident about my session. I leaned forward, touching the tip of my nose to hers. “Wait for me, in case I get done before you.” I pressed my lips to hers, giving her a quick kiss. “Okay?”

  “Okay. I’ll wait on the second floor.” She gave me a quick peck.

  I walked toward the small corridor with a confidence and determination I only felt when I was on the field. “It’s the second door on the left,” the receptionist announced.

  “Yeah, I know,” I whispered under my breath, feeling even more assured I’d come to the right place.

  I knocked on the door and it opened. A man, about my height, with brown hair that was greying around his temples answered. “Hello, you must be Raven.” He shook my hand with a warm, firm shake.

  “Yes, and you must be Dr. Galen,” I responded.

  “Correct. Please come in.�
�� He opened the door, which was now brown, just like the others. “Have a seat wherever you’d like.” He motioned to a set of chairs facing each other and a couch. I opted for one of the chairs.

  Sitting, I took in the quaint office decorated somewhat differently than the front waiting area. Warm colors in brown and yellow resembled our apartment, making it feel homey and comfortable. He unbuttoned his blazer and sat in the opposite chair. “I’m glad you came to see me. I wasn’t sure you would make it to your appointment.”

  “Really?” I was surprised at his candid remark.

  He crossed his legs and rested his elbows on the armrests. “Let’s just say I was warned that you might not go through with your sessions.”

  I cleared my throat a few times. “Well, I want to play and finish my degree.”

  “Good. I only want you here if you want to be here. Otherwise, this will be pointless.”

  He didn’t hesitate to set the record straight.

  Despite what the voices were telling me to say, I told him the truth. “I want to be here. I’m ready to get my life in order once and for all.”

  “That’s exactly what I wanted to hear.” He smiled and opened a leather book. “Let’s get started. Does Monday and Wednesday’s at one p.m. work for you?”

  “Yes. My classes end at noon and practice is at three.”

  “Perfect. We will start this schedule next week.” He scribbled in his steno book with a pencil and then took a moment to review a few pages.

  Great, another file on me.

  I unzipped my jacket, feeling the room heat up. “If you’d like, there’s a coat rack behind you,” he said without looking at me.

  “Thanks.” I removed my jacket and placed it on a hook. I rolled my shoulders a few times, trying to ease the tension building in my muscles, and sat down.

  Closing his leather binder, he said, “What I’d like to do, Raven, is help you discover what burdens you. Uncover the issues constantly bothering and causing you to react the way you do.”

  “Okay…but I think I already know.”

  “Good.” He gave me an approving nod. “That puts us ahead of this battle.”

  Even better.

  “So, we’re not going to discuss why I’ve used drugs in the past?”

  He let out a slight chuckle. “We’ll get to that part later. Right now, I want to understand what those demons tell you.”

  My ears perked up. How the hell could he know about my demons? I shifted in my chair, reminding myself it was okay to tell him. If I wanted his help, I had to trust him. But that was the hard part.

  “It’s okay, Raven. Anything we discuss will remain between us.”

  “Unless it’s life threatening, right?”

  He closed his eyes for a brief moment. “That’s usually in cases where I feel the patient will harm themselves or commit suicide.” Inclining his head toward me, he said, “Do you ever have those thoughts?”

  I shook my head. “I may hate the cards I’ve been dealt, but I have never tried to end my life, nor do I want to.”

  “Okay. Then I don’t think we have anything to worry about.” He gave me a reassuring smile. “Let’s talk about those cards you mentioned. Why do you feel you’ve been dealt a crappy hand?”

  I laughed. Was he serious? I’m sure he’d heard my story. After all, everyone knew my story. I waited for him to say something about it, but he didn’t. Instead, he waited patiently for me to speak. Clasping my hands together, I leaned forward, resting my forearms on my thighs. “For one, my mother was gang raped and I don’t know who my father is,” I said, nonchalantly, even though confessing it to him was ripping me up inside. “How’s that for starters?”

  “I see. That is unfortunate. I’m sure that was difficult for your mom, and you as well.”

  “Hell yeah. It’s all I ever think about. I wasn’t wanted, Dr. Galen. Although my mom couldn’t go through with an abortion, I knew she didn’t want me.”

  “Did she tell you that?”

  “Yes, but not purposefully.” I shuddered, recalling the day that forever changed my life.

  “What do you mean? She accidently told you?” he questioned.

  Sweat covered my palms and I rubbed them against my pants. Images of that day jeered at me and I contemplated telling him. Did he really need to know?

  “It’s okay, Raven. You can trust me.” I eyed him for a moment. Concern filled the crevices of his eyes and I could sense his sincerity. But I still wasn’t convinced telling him would help me. “People say things without thinking and those words can be damaging and hurtful. People don’t realize that they can’t undo what’s been said and usually regret it later.”

  He had good, valid points. “True.” I took a deep breath and decided to tell him. After all, what did I have to lose? “I know my mom didn’t want to tell me, but we got in an argument when I demanded to know who my father was and she couldn’t answer me.”

  “I see.”

  I bowed my head, feeling terrible about how things played out. “It was me who pressured her to tell me everything. I told her I could handle the truth. I guess I was too young at the time. Hell, I still can’t handle it at twenty-one.”

  “I don’t know anyone who could.” He sympathized with me. “Hearing that isn’t something you just sweep under the rug and forget about.”

  “Exactly.” I straightened, liking what I was hearing.

  “But there is a way to control those toxic thoughts — those demon voices.”

  I leaned forward, eager to hear more. “How?”

  Dr. Galen cleared his throat. “It’s not possible to rid your mind of them forever, but it is possible to learn how to respond to them. That is the key to learning how to deal with your past and overcoming it.”

  My shoulders dropped. “Easier said than done.”

  “Stay with me for a moment.” He motioned with his hands for me to be patient. “Memories or thoughts circle around in our mind, sometimes triggered by certain occurrences, and influence how you react under certain situations. These situations may or may not be related to that hurtful time in your life, but most of the time, they are related.”

  “I can agree with that. In fact, it sounds like what I deal with constantly.”

  Dr. Galen nodded. “What I want to help you do is learn how to grow the good thoughts in your mind so they overcome the bad, toxic ones.” He tapped his temple with his index finger. “My goal is to help you redefine the landscape of your mind so you can successfully deal with disappointing events, because there is no escaping that. We live in a broken world and you have to equip yourself with the right armor to fight those demons when they decide to start a battle in your mind.”

  I released a long, deep breath. “Sounds great, but I’m sure it’s not that easy.”

  “It’s not and it’s going to take some time.”

  “How much time?” I pressed, still questioning whether his method would work.

  He let out a small chuckle. “It’s good to see your eagerness, but this is no quick fix. It takes time and practice. You have to decide what your mind will hear and respond to the positive thoughts instead of negative ones. We all have freewill, but it’s up to you to choose how you respond. The voices may never go away, Raven, but with a step-by-step process, I can teach you how to successfully take control of them, instead of letting them control you.”

  “Sounds intensive.” I let out a sigh.

  “Like I said, it’s not going to be an easy battle, but if you use the tactics I teach you, I promise you will see change and results.”

  “You sound convinced it will work for me.” I smirked, relaxing in my chair. Although I hadn’t heard of his methodology, it sounded like something a psychologist would use. “Not every brain works the same and not every person is the same, you know.”

  “Of course and it might not work for you. But what if it does? Can you imagine how different your life would be? Would you say it’s worth trying?” He stood up and buttoned his coat. �
��The choice is yours, Raven. If you want to try this, I’m more than willing to help.”

  I nodded. “Okay. I’ll think about it.”

  “Please do. If you don’t show up to your appointment on Monday, I’ll know the answer.” He walked toward the door and I followed him, grabbing my coat off the rack.

  “Thank you for your time, Dr. Galen.”

  “My pleasure.” He shook my hand and I walked out of his office and straight out the door, not bothering to look back. The last thing I needed was any interference from the receptionist.

  Glancing at my phone, I wondered if Lexi was done with her appointment. She’d have questions, but I wasn’t ready to talk about it with her — not yet. My mind was going full speed and I needed to release some nervous energy. Flying down the stairs, I bypassed the second floor and exited the building. A gust of cold, drizzly air hit me and I slipped on my jacket. The weather resembled exactly how I felt. Shitty. And the best cure was a good workout. I got in my car but before pulling out of the parking lot, I shot Lexi a quick text.

  Me: I’m headed to the gym. Need some time to myself.

  I backed out of the parking lot and headed to the athletics center. It didn’t take long for her to respond.

  Lexi: Is everything okay?

  As soon as I drove into the parking lot, I responded.

  Me: I’ll be fine. I just need some time to process a few things.

  Lexi: Okay.

  Σ

  Chapter 38

  Success is nothing more than a few simple disciplines, practiced every day.

  ~Jim Rohn

  Eight weeks had passed since I started counseling. It had taken me a few days to come to a final decision to go through with the sessions. If I wanted to stay at PHU, it wasn’t like I had a choice, though. The difference was I wanted it to work this time. I was so tired of being controlled. I needed a new set of plays to win this fight. The best offense against my demons was a good defense. I had to learn how to position myself by protecting my head and Dr. Galen’s techniques were working.

  Some days were good and some sucked. Lexi had started staying at her dorm after the first three weeks of my counseling sessions. I loved waking up next to her, but I couldn’t blame her for moving back. After a bad session, I’d ignore her until I worked out my issues. It had been rough, just like I expected. Dr. Galen was peeling away the layers, getting to the root of the problem and showing me different ways to handle those toxic, demonic thoughts.