Coco Pinchard, the Consequences of Love and Sex: A Funny, Feel-Good, Romantic Comedy

by Robert Bryndza

  ‘Do you want stigmata ketchup with that?’ asked the nun. I said I did.

  ‘I’ll have a Virgin Mary and, let’s see, a green salad… the kale Mary,’ said Chris. The nun left.

  ‘You want to hear some gossip?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Apparently Regina Battenberg is in hiding on Richard Branson’s private island,’ he said.

  ‘How do you know that?’

  ‘This guy I’m friends with on Grindr works in the Virgin Club Class lounge…’

  The nun returned with our drinks. Chris saw my face.

  ‘What is it Cokes?’

  I told him everything: Adam’s job, money worries, the piece of condom wrapper, Adam’s ex-wife coming to stay, and the strange man who knew my name.’

  ‘Oh hun, I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘Do you want to borrow some money?’

  ‘Thank you, but no. How would we pay it back?’

  ‘Well the offer is there… And I’ve never had Adam down as a cheater. And you’re a condom girl, right?’

  ‘The pill and contraceptive injection made me balloon to terrifying proportions.’

  ‘I remember. You looked like Judy Garland when she came off her uppers and downers.’

  Despite myself, I laughed. ‘I did not!’

  ‘Couldn’t it be one of yours, the condom wrapper?’

  ‘I suppose so. But you should have seen this girl Chris. She’s so hot. And I’m so not, right now.’

  ‘All men look, but not all men cheat,’ said Chris. ‘Gay men, straight men, bi men, we’re all window shopping all the time. But Adam has brand loyalty. He only wants to shop at the Coco shop.’

  ‘What about that old man, Chris? He said there was going to be trouble with my son. He knew my name. Coco isn’t a common name.’

  ‘You have a number one book love, it has your picture on the jacket. It’s in the front of every book shop… Isn’t there a Waterstone’s across from Trafalgar Square?’

  I hadn’t thought of that.

  ‘Cokes. We both know how many loons hang about In London. You stopped just long enough to indulge his madness. Your mistake, but don’t believe a word of it. Remember when that old crone on the pier in Brighton told me I was going to die at thirty? And I paid fifty quid to be told that. Clairvoyant my arse. I’m still here.’

  ‘But you spent the rest of your twenties living in terror,’ I said.

  ‘And I wish I hadn’t… And finally Adam’s wife. Firstly she’s a lesbian, right?’

  ‘Yes, right. But she’s so gorgeous…’

  ‘Then what the hell are you worried about? A lipstick lesbian is coming to stay. It’s Adam who should worry. She might try and jump you. All the lesbian couples I see are one skinny one and one shorter one with enormous bosoms!’ said Chris.

  I laughed.

  ‘See. I’ve made you smile twice in half an hour, pretty good going,’ said Chris squeezing my hand. The nun returned with our food.

  ‘I have to eat quick Cokes,’ he said diving into his kale Mary. ‘I’ve got a very tense meeting this afternoon about selling a big chunk of the Cheshire Estate.’

  ‘Why do you have to sell?’

  ‘I don’t have to. I’m doing it to help Rebecca out. This whole inheritance thing is so unfair. She’s had a great idea for starting an events company, and this will give her the capital.’

  ‘Is it part of the grounds of Cheshire hall?’

  ‘No. It’s land down the road. A house, a giant overgrown vineyard, and a deconsecrated church with a tree growing out of the roof.’

  ‘I didn’t know your family owned all of that?’

  ‘We barely notice it. But I’ve got my mother complaining that it will lower our social standing to sell. Some women want bigger tits to feel good about themselves. My mother wants bigger land!’

  We finished eating, and then Chris had to run for his train. I realised I’d forgotten about meeting Adam.

  ‘Just relax Coco, find the right time and have a sensible conversation with him,’ said Chris as we went our separate ways in taxis.

  It was almost three o’clock when I got back to The Hop & Grape. Adam was waiting outside, talking to a couple of guys in their fifties. One was completely bald with tortoiseshell glasses, and the other had his salt and pepper hair very fashionably shorn. They were dressed beautifully, and rather captivated by Adam. I stood there meekly as they said their goodbyes. Adam didn’t introduce me.

  ‘You’re so late,’ he said.

  ‘You seemed happy talking to your friends.’

  ‘They’re not my friends. They run a micro-brewery.’

  I looked blank.

  ‘The beer bottles you liked this morning were from their micro-brewery,’ he said.

  ‘Did you enjoy having a bit of male attention?’ I joked.

  ‘No I was interested in their business. They’ve invited me out to see their brewery.’

  ‘You drink Stella Adam.’

  ‘Jesus, Coco, it’s all about you.’

  ‘Is it? What’s this then?’ I asked. I pulled out the tiny piece of condom wrapper and brandished it in front of him.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘I found it in your pocket, last week. Are you sleeping with that Becky girl?’

  ‘No!’

  ‘Then where did it come from?’

  ‘We’ve had a lot of sex Coco…’

  ‘Not anymore, now you’re spending your whole life at this bloody bar.’

  ‘Coco, I keep saying. I’m doing this for you, for us.’

  ‘Don’t give me that bullshit. You’re doing bloody minimum wage bar work!’

  ‘Yeah well it’s more fun than being stuck in all day with the most self-obsessed person I know,’ he said.

  ‘Me?’

  ‘What other word do you know?’

  ‘That’s not fair.’

  ‘Life isn’t fair Coco, and to prove it I have to go. I’ve had no lunch.’

  He vanished inside the bar. So much for having a sensible conversation.

  Saturday 5th May

  I took Rocco for a walk and then made up the spare room for Nanette and pulled out the sofa bed in my office for Holly. There is something horrible about not sorting out a problem before people are coming to stay, and Adam was at work – again – so that he could take a few days off.

  They were due at six, and I spent most of the day trying to make myself look good. My Rosencrantz-styled ‘This Morning’ outfit is now too small. So I had to opt for dungarees… Dungarees to meet my husband’s lipstick-lesbian ex-wife! Would she think I was being satirical?

  They arrived just before six. Nanette is tiny, beautiful and Irish with that creamy skin and top-a-tha-mornin’ accent which is so friendly. She looked all tousled and sexy in Ugg boots, skinny jeans and a black t-shirt. Her blond hair was piled on her head.

  ‘Hi Coco!’ She grinned and gave me a huge hug.

  Adam’s daughter Holly towered above her, gorgeous and model thin with her flawless cappuccino skin, looking catwalk-ready in a red dress.

  ‘Hi Coco,’ she said. She felt as if she would snap as we embraced.

  Rocco leapt about. Then Adam came in just behind them so there was another round of hellos before we all went into the kitchen.

  ‘Let me look at yer,’ said Nanette as we were all round the kitchen table. ‘Coco, having a bairn suits you, you’re blooming.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I said adjusting my dungarees over my bump.

  ‘I’ve been reading your book on the train.’ Nanette pulled her Kindle out of her bag. ‘It’s so so good.’

  Holly came and took me by the hands.

  ‘Coco, I haven’t read any of your books, but I just want to say that I’m so thrilled I’m going to have a little nephew.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I said. ‘But he’ll be your half-brother.’

  Holly wrinkled her smooth forehead, confused.

  ‘Holly, I’m you father, and I’ll also be the father of this baby,’ said Adam. The
re was a pause.

  ‘Oh, I thought I was going to be an aunt?’ said Holly disappointed. ‘So many of my friends are now aunts and do cool aunt stuff, like buy baby things, and walk the pram along holding a latte.’

  ‘That’s because their brother or sister has had a baby, love,’ said Nanette.

  ‘I’m sure you’ll be a great aunt when the time comes,’ said Adam.

  ‘A great-aunt? Aren’t they really old?’ said Holly.

  ‘Not a great- aunt. A great. Aunt,’ I said.

  ‘Oh,’ she grinned. ‘Oh yes, I can be an aunt when he has a baby.’

  We all smiled and nodded. I’ve never felt comfortable about broaching the subject of Holly and what a plank she can be. Nanette and Adam just grinned patiently.

  ‘I suppose now I’m not his aunt, he won’t be my uncle?’ asked Holly.

  ‘No love… Here go get the present!’ said Nanette changing the subject. Holly went out to the hall and came back with a huge bag.

  ‘I just hope you haven’t got one already,’ said Nanette.

  ‘We’ve got nothing so far,’ said Adam.

  It took both of us to pull the box out of the bag. We tore off the paper and saw that it was a travel system. Which in old-fashioned language is a buggy that comes apart and can be fitted into a car.

  ‘Wow, thank you. It’s lovely’ I said. It was sleek black, with a turn down cover and lining of leopard print. I was genuinely touched. I looked at Adam but he refused to make eye contact with me. I realised we were in serious trouble. This should be the time where we feel so close and happy, but we were strangers in that kitchen.

  I pulled out the take-away menu which was a welcome distraction, and then I phoned in our order. Adam pulled some bottles of beer out of his rucksack.

  ‘I want you all to try this,’ he said. ‘It’s called Pickled Peacock.’ It was the bottles with the peacock feather I’d had seen earlier at the bar.

  ‘Oh Lord… Pickled Peacock? Got any G & T Coco?’ winked Nanette.

  ‘No, you must try it!’ said Adam. He pulled down some highball glasses and poured everyone a measure.

  ‘I shouldn’t Adam,’ I said.

  ‘Go on, a little nip won’t hurt, stout will make your breast milk sweeter,’ said Nanette. Adam poured me half an inch in the bottom of a glass. It was a deep honey colour and was surprisingly delicious.

  ‘Ooh. It’s sweet and hoppy, and unlike most bitters it doesn’t catch in the throat,’ I said feeling my cheeks flush. ‘I feel like I’m imbibing goodness and warmth, and my blood is being fortified…’

  ‘I can see someone hasn’t drunk in a while!’ Nanette grinned.

  ‘You see what looking hot does for him, he gets free beer!’ I said taking another sip.

  ‘That’s not how it is,’ said Adam.

  ‘There are these two gay guys, who own this beer company, they love Adam!’ I laughed. ‘You should sweet talk them for more of this.’

  ‘I’m interested in their brewery,’ said Adam.

  ‘And they’re interested in your cock,’ I said. I realised the beer had gone to my head. There was a silence. Nanette and Holly sipped their beer. I excused myself and came upstairs.

  It was the first time I’d felt the weight of being married. Up until now I was thrilled and horny and felt I’d got the man, a fabulous man at that. But it dawned on me that we’re doing this, having a baby, we have baggage, and we’re going to be together, forever. It felt like… How it did with Daniel.

  I called Marika and told her what happened.

  ‘This marriage is nothing like you and Daniel. For starters he hasn’t got an Ethel equivalent mother or a Meryl and Tony. And Nanette sounds lovely.’

  ‘I know… I’m cringing about the cock joke,’ I said.

  ‘Yeah. Doesn’t sound funny Cokes. Never mix drink when you meet the ex.’

  ‘Do you think I got married too quickly?’

  ‘With Daniel, definitely. You were too young and Rosencrantz came along before you knew each other properly.’

  ‘But what about Adam and me? Am I just doing it all again? Is history repeating itself?’

  ‘It might be you that’s the problem,’ said Marika.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Maybe you pick men you want to emasculate. It sounds like Adam is doing the best he can, working hard, and you still want to pick on him.’

  ‘That’s not fair.’

  ‘Come on Coco, you want the truth so you phoned me. If you want it all sugar-coated, phone Chris.’

  There was a pause.

  ‘Milan and I are fine, by the way. Better than fine.’

  ‘Sorry. It’s been a bit rough lately,’ I said.

  ‘That’s life. You can’t be on honeymoon for the next twenty years. Real life will come up and hit you in the face…’

  ‘Yes.’ I said quietly.

  ‘You’re lucky Cokes. You’ve had two loves in your life. Either way you’ll never lose out. So many women would kill to have one guy love them in their lifetime.’

  ‘I know… So what’s occurring with Milan?’

  ‘Complete and utter bliss. He’s just. He’s the best. I want you to get to know him more.’

  ‘I will. And that’s great…’ I said.

  ‘Now get downstairs. You don’t want to be one of those women, leaving the room in tears, having a headache. Go on.’

  I pulled myself together and came down. Adam was talking with Nanette in the living room. I stopped at the bottom of the stairs.

  ‘This bar can’t be a long term job solution,’ she was saying.

  ‘No. I’ll find something, my record should be sorted in the next couple of months,’ said Adam.

  ‘You’ve put the years in. You could go back into a very nice management role,’ said Nanette.

  ‘Yeah. A grey office. Grey people. A grey life. It’ll be soul destroying, but it’s what I have to do. Responsibility gives me no choice.’

  Adam didn’t say it with a laugh.

  ‘These beer bottles are so pretty,’ said Holly.

  ‘I envy these guys. They made their fortune here in London, then sold up and bought a place in the country and they make a good living from beer,’ said Adam.

  ‘Posh beer,’ said Nanette.

  ‘Exactly. This is the time; people go crazy for independent organic products,’ said Adam. ‘They sell online, they do tours of their brewery, and they are their own bosses.’

  ‘I never knew you were into this,’ said Nanette.

  ‘Well, I’ve had the misfortune to discover what I want to do with my life when I’m up against a brick wall,’ said Adam.

  There was a silence. Then I could hear very softly that Adam was crying.

  ‘You should talk to Coco,’ said Nanette.

  ‘That would go down badly,’ said Adam. ‘She’s about to have our baby. We’re broke… She thinks I’m having an affair.’

  ‘With who?’

  ‘I dunno.’

  ‘Are you, Adam?’

  ‘No! I go to work and I come home.’

  They were silent for a few minutes, and then Nanette got up to clear away the takeaway cartons. Like a kid on the stairs I darted back up before they could see me.

  Adam came up later and quietly got in bed beside me. Rocco jumped up and snuggled down between us. I think we both lay awake for a long time, but we didn’t say anything.

  Monday 7th May

  Adam was offered the double Bank Holiday shift at the bar, which was a lot of money, so Nanette insisted he go and do it. I was worried about spending time with her alone, but I needn’t have been. We spent a lovely day in the garden, drinking and chatting. Then in the evening Rosencrantz came over and took Holly out to the pub, and we stayed in with a take-away.

  ‘Do you mind my pictures on the wall?’ asked Nanette when we’d polished off the food. I looked at the Lido pictures, and the one Adam had had to buy a new frame for.

  ‘Not at all, they’re beautiful,’ I said. And
I was so pleased that I meant it. Adam came back at two-thirty, exhausted, and climbed into bed beside me. Holly and Rosencrantz came back at four-thirty, completely drunk. In the end I had to go down and tell them to be quiet. Rosencrantz was lying on the kitchen floor, and Holly was buttering his forehead.

  ‘Look! I’m having Toastencrantz!’ shouted Holly, as Rosencrantz giggled.

  ‘Be quiet and go to sleep, both of you!’ I snapped like an old washerwoman. I know this sounds silly, but telling them both off really made me feel like we are an extended family.

  Saturday 12th May

  Today was Nanette and Holly’s last day. I’ll be so sad to see them go. This morning I took Rocco for a walk with Nanette round Regent’s Park.

  ‘You always look so at peace with everything,’ I said as we made our way round the lake. ‘What’s your secret?’

  ‘You should always do what you want. You shouldn’t be a people pleaser… But you shouldn’t upset others either.’

  ‘Sounds incredibly easy and difficult at the same time.’

  ‘I haven’t always been like that Cokes,’ she said. ‘I was a terrible bitch to Adam for our last few years.’

  ‘Did you always know you were…’

  ‘A big ole lesbian? Yeah. Deep down. But when you’re growing up no one tells you it’s normal, so you do what people say you should do. I got married. We had Holly.’

  ‘How did you tell Adam?’

  ‘I didn’t. He caught me with another woman.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘The girl who delivered the post,’ said Nanette a little shamefacedly.

  ‘How come you two get on so well now?’ I said. ‘I found Daniel in bed with Snow White, not THE Snow White obviously, a girl who was playing Snow White in panto. Even three years on he drives me crazy.’

  ‘We didn’t get on well at first, but over time he understood. He said I should be who I am. It’s the best thing anyone has ever done for me.’

  ‘Oh crap,’ I said.

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’ve been giving him such a hard time lately… I heard what he said on your first night here. About going back to work in an office.’

  ‘Which he’ll do for you, I’ve no doubt,’ said Nanette.