The Book of the Unnamed Midwife

by Meg Elison

  “That . . . might be good,” she said cautiously.

  “Of course it was good, but there was all this fuss about it. She wasn’t a member, and she was black, and she was so much older than him. There were fights about whether the marriage was legit or if the baby would be born in covenant or not. Some of the brethren said the marriage should be annulled and she should be courted and choose someone or whatever, since she had only met two missionaries. It got freaking ugly. Brother Danielson ended up saying he’d kill anyone who tried to take his wife from him.

  “But it didn’t matter anyways, because she was sick. We didn’t realize at first because she didn’t look sick. She was just like everyone else with the fever, no temperature for a long time and then suddenly super hot. She had joined the relief society and was helping us with the children. We got her away from them as soon as we figured it out, but it was too late. Everyone who hadn’t gotten sick the first time got it this time. Mikayla, Ben, and John all got it super fast. Mikayla was dead in three days, but the boys held on a long time. They both died a few days ago. Patty had it before. She wasn’t sick at all.”

  “Oh no. Not the kids. What about the women? Sister Everly and Sister Johannsen?”

  “Sister Everly passed on. Sister Johannsen had it before, but she just about died taking care of the sick. But she couldn’t help it much. Elder Johannsen died right in front of her. Brother Danielson and his wife died alone in their house, nobody wanted to go to them. They blamed them for bringing it back.”

  “So how many are left?”

  “Bishop Comstock died, so Bishop Graves is in charge. There were twenty-one people left when I ran away. But Bishop Graves is acting so weird.”

  “Weird how?”

  “He said he’s the prophet now. God’s telling him what to do. He married Patty.”

  “Didn’t you say she was nine?”

  Jodi nodded, tearful again. “He said she’s going to live in his house and learn to love him, but that he’ll hold her virginity sacred for seven years.”

  “He’s a fucking prince.”

  “Please don’t curse at me.” Jodi was still crying. “I’m just trying to tell you.”

  “Ok. Ok, I’m sorry. Go on.”

  “Sister Johannsen was remarried to Elder Sterling right away. I don’t even know if she wanted to, she’s been so sad since her husband died. But even then, with her as old as she is, there were fights about that, too. Every man in town wanted to marry her when her husband died. But then Bishop Graves turned on me. He said that my husband is never coming back, that God showed it to him. He said I needed to remarry and suggested a few of the men to me. Brother Dusty, I just know Honus is alive. I would feel it if he died. I have his baby inside me, like, I would know.”

  Dusty nodded, not committing to saying anything.

  “But he kept after me. Marry this guy, marry that guy. I told him, like, I am still married. But they started showing up at my house all the time, bringing me presents, offering me special things. Promising me what good husbands they would be. I didn’t want to be mean to them, but it was, like, breaking my heart. I couldn’t cheat on Honus.”

  “How far along are you?” Dusty looked at her belly, guessing six months at the most.

  “Honus and I were married one hundred and eighty days ago, exactly. We were together for a week before he was sent out. So I’m like six months.”

  Dusty nodded. “So you left to get away from all that?”

  Jodi started to sob again, clutching up the blanket. “No, I left when the bishop said I would be married in a week to the man of his choosing and that I was being stiff-necked and disobedient and I’d have to learn to submit. He issued, like, a proclamation that women would be given in marriage by their fathers or by the bishop from now on. Period. We don’t get to decide anymore.”

  “I see.” Dusty was boiling with an old anger. It seemed as old as the world.

  “I went to his wedding with Patty. We don’t have a temple, but they made do. She cried, like, the whole time. It was terrible. The guys all looked jealous or bored, but nobody seemed sorry for her. They were just like, ‘That’s how it is now.’ I tried to talk to Sister Johannsen . . . I guess she’s Sister Sterling now . . . I talked to her about it. She said it’s hard for Patty to understand because she’s just a little girl, but that I was grown-up and I should know better.”

  “Why didn’t they wait until the baby was born? Why so soon?”

  Jodi choked a little laugh and shook her head. “They don’t know,” she said.

  “What?”

  “They don’t know I’m expecting. I’ve been wearing my sister’s old clothes that are super baggy on me and tying my apron really loose. I hid when I had morning sickness, and I never told anyone. I lived alone in our house, mine and Honus’s. I really wanted to tell the little girls, to tell them how, like, awesome it was to feel him kick and whatever. But I didn’t.”

  “Unfuckingbelievable.”

  “Why do you have such a potty mouth?” Jodi glared at her.

  Everyone you know is dead, but let’s focus on my language.

  “Are you really angry at cursing at a time like this? Look, it’s how people talk where I’m from. I’m sorry it offends you. I’ll try to keep it under control, but this is my house.”

  Jodi appeared chastened. “Forgive me, Brother Dusty. I didn’t mean to challenge your authority.”

  “Oh, for fuck’s . . . heaven’s sake.” Dusty stood up and took Jodi’s empty cup. “You want another one?”

  “Yes, thank you. Could I fix you something to eat?”

  Dusty smiled, her back to the girl. “I think that’s your subservient way of saying you’re hungry. Am I right?” She glanced over her shoulder to see her reaction.

  “No, I just meant if you wanted . . . you don’t have anybody to cook for you. I can do that. I can clean, too, and, like, wash clothes. I really don’t want to go back. I will make myself useful and stuff if I can stay.”

  Dusty put the kettle back on and turned around. “Of course you can stay. What kind of heartless psycho would turn a pregnant woman out into the snow? Stay as long as you want, and I’ll take care of you. I’ve been in labor and delivery for the last ten years. I want to ask you some questions, though.”

  “Sure, whatever.” Jodi pulled the blanket up to her chin.

  “Is this your first pregnancy?” Dusty poured out another cup of cocoa and put on two cans of soup.

  “Of course it is. I told you, we just got married.”

  “Of course. And you said ‘him.’ How do you know the baby’s sex?”

  “I just have a feeling.”

  “So you didn’t tell Dr. Beaumont you were pregnant, either.”

  “No. I was afraid to.”

  “Have you been taking prenatal vitamins or anything like that?”

  “Yeah, I knew that was important. I took them from bishop’s storehouse, but nobody noticed. They’re in my coat.”

  “Smart girl. Any bleeding or cramping?”

  “No, huh-uh, not at all.”

  When the soup was steaming, she poured it into deep mugs and brought one to Jodi with her cocoa. She returned with her own and sat back down.

  “Jodi, have you seen any babies born since the plague came through the first time?”

  “No.” She set her mouth in a little pink purse. She knew what was coming, but her mind was already made up.

  “But you heard about it? You know that a lot of babies are born sick and they . . . they don’t make it. You heard that, right? I’m not trying to scare you. I just want you to understand the risks of the situation.”

  “That doesn’t matter,” she said firmly.

  “Why is that?”

  “Because there’s a new covenant. The prophet said so. Babies born into the new world and the new covenant will live.”

  “Is that the same prophet who just married a nine-year-old girl?”

  “No, like, the real prophet in Salt Lake City.�
�� Jodi looked like she was trying to explain something simple to someone very stupid. “He told all the bishops in his last message before we lost contact or whatever. Our babies are safe.”

  How convenient.

  “Ok. I will do the best I can for you and your child. I’ll help you any way I can. But I can’t do that unless you’re honest with me. Can you promise to tell me how you’re feeling and if anything changes?”

  Jodi nodded.

  “All right. There’s a bedroom at the end of the hall that I think belonged to a teenage girl. It has its own small fireplace. I can start a fire in there, if you want to take it.”

  “That’d be fine.”

  Told her to be honest with me, but I’m not even trying to be honest with her. Let her figure it out or tell her? How weirded out is she going to be? Be better that she know I’m not going to try to fuck her, that I can examine her without her freaking out about it. She finds out on her own = might not be able to trust me afterward. Could take this fucking binder off = = = = Have to tell her.

  In the morning, Dusty had hardly slept. She had been nocturnal for too long. She got up anyway, relieved to have somebody to talk to. She found Jodi already at work.

  “I was gonna surprise you with breakfast.” She was in the pantry, looking at the shelves. “I can make eggs and biscuits, I think. There’s some canned sausage gravy. How does that sound?”

  Dusty had avoided the powdered eggs so far. She knew one day they’d have to get eaten. It wasn’t a good time to be picky. “Sounds good. I’m going to make some coffee. It’s instant and the creamer is dried, but it’s not bad. You’re not supposed to have a lot, but I could make you a weak cup.”

  Jodi didn’t look back at her; she was reaching for the powdered eggs. “No tea, no coffee. I told you.”

  “Oh, right. Mormons.”

  “Yeah. Like, I’ve never even had coffee. Everybody says the smell is nice but the taste is super yucky.”

  “You get used to it,” Dusty said as she put the kettle on.

  The kitchen was large, but the Franklin stove was small. In the end, Dusty let Jodi shoo her out to the table so she had enough room to cook.

  “So did you get a job after high school?”

  “Nah, me and Honus got engaged right at my graduation. It was super romantic. I waited for him while he served his mission in Canada, I wrote him letters like every week. That was super hard. I can’t believe I have to wait for him again. Anyways, he got into BYU, and we were gonna move to Provo together.”

  “Did you apply to college, too?”

  “Nah, I knew we would have kids right away. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Did you ever get married?”

  “No.” When the kettle whistled, Dusty got up and made a cup of coffee with cream.

  “Aw, that’s so sad.”

  “It would have been sadder to have been married and have it fall apart.” She sat down and stirred her coffee.

  “So you were, like, a doctor?”

  Dusty tried to remember what she had told them in Huntsville. She didn’t recall, but she didn’t think Jodi remembered anyway. “I was a registered nurse and midwife. I got my degree at UCSF and worked in the university hospital. Babies born every day. Always plenty of work to do.”

  “Wow, that’s so cool.” She sounded distracted.

  “It was cool. I loved my job.” Dusty hadn’t tried at all this morning to sound like a man. She was still wearing the binder, going slowly. She waited.

  After a few minutes, Jodi came out carrying two plates. “The biscuits burned on the bottom. I’ve never cooked them that way before. I just cut the bottoms off.”

  “I’m sure they’ll be fine.”

  Jodi sat down, pushing her chair back to make room for her belly. “I swear I’m bigger every day. Are you gonna . . . ?”

  “What?” Dusty already had half a biscuit in her mouth.

  “Are you gonna say a blessing, Brother Dusty?”

  “Oh. Why don’t you go ahead?”

  Jodi smiled indulgently at her. “Dear most gracious Heavenly Father . . .”

  Dusty chewed and swallowed unhurriedly. Jodi’s prayer was almost the exact same as the ones she had heard given in Huntsville. Same words, same cadence, same sequence. Dusty waited.

  “Amen.” Jodi ate as though she was hungry. “I should make some fruit and veggies with lunch. I know the little guy needs them.”

  Dusty nodded approvingly, still mashing biscuit crumbs and sausage gravy together to cover the texture of powdered eggs. “That’s a good idea, good that you’re paying attention. What would you like to do today?”

  “I dunno,” Jodi said. “You know what I miss?”

  Dusty smiled and popped her chin to encourage the answer. She was happy in the anticipation of being able to miss the lost world together. They could share it.

  Like with Roxanne.

  “I super miss TV.”

  Not at all like Roxanne. She’s just a kid.

  Dusty tried not to look let down. “Oh yeah? Like what?”

  “I miss Real Housewives, and The Bachelor. They always went on the best dates. It was so romantic.” She looked wistful, like she was remembering old friends.

  “Oh. I don’t think I ever saw either one of those.”

  Jodi rewarded her with nearly an hour of exposition of where the season had ended with the bachelor, who was there for the “right reasons,” and who was pushing the envelope sexually.

  Dusty was bored with the subject in minutes, but she tried to take comfort in the sound of Jodi’s voice. She had desperately wanted someone to talk to. She couldn’t be picky about her company now.

  When she had finished her breathless recap, Jodi turned to Dusty. “So what have you been doing here alone all this time?”

  “Well, I read every book on the block. They’re in the dining room on the sideboard if you want to try one.”

  “Nah, I don’t really like to read.”

  There’s a shock.

  Jodi had washed the dishes and wiped down the kitchen. She stoked the fire and then turned around, looking for something to do.

  “What’d you do in your spare time in Huntsville?”

  “Canning and sewing and stuff. Like, taking care of everyone, making food, and fixing socks and stuff.”

  “What do you like to do, though?”

  Jodi looked blank.

  “Don’t get much time off, do you?”

  “I dunno. I liked to talk with the other sisters. Gossip, really. I know we’re not supposed to, but it always happens. I guess there’s nothing to gossip about with just the two of us here.”

  “Well, there might be . . .”

  Jodi looked at her askance. “What do you mean?”

  “There isn’t any easy way to say this,” she began.

  “Oh no.” Jodi looked stricken. “Please. Please don’t.”

  “What? Why are you so scared of me?” Dusty took a step toward her, then thought better of it and stopped.

  “I don’t know, but I can tell you’re trying to tell me something important. Is it bad news? I can’t take any more bad news.” She was blinking back tears.

  Dusty sighed, exasperated. “It’s not bad news. It’s just something I want to get off my chest. It doesn’t change anything.”

  “Ok. What?”

  “I’m not a man.”

  Jodi stared at her.

  “I’ve been dressing like a man since I left San Francisco. I’ve been much safer this way. It’s not safe out there for anyone, but especially not for women.”

  “You’re lying.” Jodi looked very confused.

  “What, do you want me to show you? Look at me! No beard. No Adam’s apple. It’s a simple disguise.”

  “But your figure . . . ?”

  “I’m wearing a binding vest.”

  “A what?”

  “It’s a vest that smashes your breasts down. So you can look like a guy.” She itched to take it off, and this was taking longer than she expec
ted. She had thought Jodi would see it right away and laugh a little at having been fooled for this long.

  “Why would that even exist? Who would want that?”

  Dusty snorted. “Lots of people you’ve never met. Look, why would I lie about this?”

  “To get me to drop my guard so you can, like, take advantage of me.”

  Dusty rolled her eyes. “This is stupid.”

  She started unbuttoning the plaid shirt she was wearing. Jodi started to look away, but when the top of the vest became visible, she was transfixed. The garment was very worn, and yellowed at the armpits. The front closed in a long series of tiny bra hooks. It didn’t fit well or snugly anymore; Dusty had lost too much weight, and it had just been worn too long. Still, it was doing a fair job of smoothing out her curves. The material was a translucent white mesh, and the pink of her nipples showed through just slightly. She pushed the hooks together and started to open the vest. She reached a deep V between her breasts, and her cleavage was clear.

  “Ok, stop. I get it. You really aren’t a man.”

  “Nope. I’m gonna get this thing off.” She walked out of the room to go change. She pulled a sports bra out of the bottom of her pack and put it on, followed by her shirt.

  She walked back out, buttoning up. “Sorry about that. I just had to prove it to you.” She looked up, but she didn’t see Jodi anywhere.

  “What the fuck?”

  She walked around the house, looking for her. She was about to call out when she heard the snowmobile outside. She crossed to the window and looked. It was pulling up out front.

  Shit, shit, shitty, shitstorming fuck. Perfect.

  She ripped her heavy winter coat off the hook by the door and put it on. Then she ran into the kitchen, picked up the wet clothes Jodi had hung up to dry, and stuffed them into the oven. She turned around, looking to see if there was any other sign of the girl. She touched the gun in the back of her waistband where it always was and spotted the rifle leaning against the wall.

  Safe. Everything safe. Alone here.

  She went to the door. She thought about refusing to open it, but discarded the idea. Too suspicious. She looked through the peephole just as they started to knock. It was Chalmers and another man she had never seen. She opened the door.