Xanth 29 - Pet Peeve

by Piers Anthony

  Hannah's hand shot out and caught the bird by the feet. "You're coming too, crow bait."

  "I'll fly away, you feminist garbage," it threatened with her voice.

  She took a long tress of her hair and knotted it about one of the peeve's legs. "I think knot," she said, smiling. She set the bird on her head.

  "I'll poop on your hair!"

  "If you do, I'll dive wa-ay down deep to wash it off."

  The parody looked thoughtful and kept its beak (or whatever) shut. The knot on its leg was quite tight.

  They both stripped and waded into the water, which was pleasantly cool. Hannah had to go out twice as far as he, being twice as tall. "Yee-haa!" she cried, leaping up and coming down with a great splash. She was indeed barbarian.

  "Watch it, harridan!" the peeve exclaimed. "You're wetting me."

  "Oh, like this?" She scooped a handful of water and fired it at her own head. It smacked into the bird, thoroughly soaking it.

  The peeve got the message. It ceased protesting. Goody rather admired the way she was handling it. Barbarians evidently had a knack with animals.

  Then she waded halfway back, dripping from several rounded points, heading right for him. Goody hoped he had no reason to be alarmed. She dropped beside him and sat on the sand beneath so as to be his height. "I'll do your back now."

  Oh. "Thank you." He turned away.

  "You're blushing, goblin twerp," the bird said from her head.

  Goody hoped that was not the case. His skin was of course goblin dark, but it was possible for a goblin to blush, and his surface was making the effort.

  Her hands were strong yet gentle as she stroked, then kneaded his back and shoulders. "Oh, that feels good!" he said.

  "Well, it doesn't look good! If you were any scrawnier it would take two men and a bird just to see you."

  "Barbarian massage. It relaxes the muscles after a hard day's battle. You can do me next."

  "Front or back?" the bird demanded.

  He did her next, emulating her motions as his hands went over her tightly muscled back and shoulders. He felt the knots relaxing, and knew he was getting the job done. She was big and strong, but there were ways in which she reminded him of Go-Go. Probably it was just that she was female.

  "You have the touch," she said. "Maybe it's your talent."

  "Goblins don't have talents." But then he remembered what Magician Murphy had said. "But maybe I will develop one some day."

  "There's love in your hands. I never felt that before."

  "Why would you want to, cutie pie?" the bird demanded with overwhelming sarcasm.

  Oh. "I was thinking of my wife. That always melts me."

  "That's what I'm feeling, then."

  "You got it backwards, babe. He's feeling up you."

  They finished and waded out of the water. They had no towels, but that was no problem for Hannah. She simply shook herself in place, doglike, making the water fling out in every direction.

  "Squawk!" the parody protested dizzily.

  But it wasn't the water that bothered Goody. His eyes locked up and his breath froze. The world went darker than the dusk.

  A hand whammed him on the back, nearly jarring his teeth loose. "Come out of it, goblin! What's the matter with you?"

  "The jerk freaked out!" the bird said.

  Goody gasped in a breath as his eyes creaked back into focus. "This time the peeve is right. I—I think I freaked out."

  "Freaked out?"

  "When you shook your body. There was so much, so close, so mobile—above and below—"

  "Too much hot wet meat whomping around," the bird clarified helpfully.

  She was amazed. "My body did that? But I'm no nymph!"

  "You could pass for one, unclothed. A muscular one. I was caught off guard. I'm sorry."

  "The little louse's a man after all. Who would have thought it?"

  "I freaked you out," she repeated. "I never thought I could do that to any male. I'm a warrior woman."

  "A battling bawd."

  "Now you know," he said, smiling wanly.

  "I wonder if it would work in combat? If I was really hard pressed and needed a secret weapon."

  "I believe it would work," he said. "Especially against human males."

  "What a discovery!" she exclaimed, pleased.

  "Thirty-six years old, and she's just discovered sex!"

  The bird could be uncomfortably accurate. "I am glad to have helped," Goody said, wondering how it knew her age.

  Hannah reached up and untied the loop of hair holding the bird to her head. "Go find your own perch, fowl-mouth." She went to fetch her clothing where it had dried on bushes. Goody clapped a hand over his eyes before she got into her steel-mesh panties, saving himself another freakout.

  They finished dressing, and things were safe again. Goody gathered pillows from a pillow bush.

  "What are you doing?"

  "Fetching something soft to sleep on."

  The parody flew up to roost on the front pole of the lean-to. "Make her take off her halter again, idiot!"

  Goody's skin made another effort to blush.

  "Why bother? The ground is good enough." She flung herself down under the lean-to in her clothing and was instantly asleep.

  Well, she was a barbarian. Goody placed his pillows beside her and lay on them. He was soon soundly asleep too.

  "Well, now!"

  Goody woke. That was the peeve's voice. "Is there a problem?"

  "No. Go back to sleep, runty."

  Hannah stirred. "The dirty bird wants us asleep? I don't trust this."

  Both of them quietly got up. There was a light out on the pool. What was going on out there?

  "Well, stuff me in a bottle and call me a pickle," Hannah breathed. "It really is a car pool."

  Indeed it was. Cars were lined up on the far side, with headlights slanting toward the pool. Kiddie cars and motorcycles were sporting in the water, supervised by the full-sized cars. Sport cars were racing along the sand, and bold pickup trucks were sparking with well-upholstered limousines.

  Several cars got together and made music for others to dance to. Pictures also appeared in the flickering headlights of a car labeled with the words Anni Mae, showing cars doing funny things. "Car tunes," Hannah whispered.

  Something nudged Goody's foot. He looked down. There in the faint light left over from the distant cars was a miniature car, a toy, nudging his ankle. In fact there were a number of them, covering the ground before them. "What's this?"

  "A car-pet, imbecile!"

  It seemed the bird was right: the ground was covered with friendly little cars seeking adoption. Finding no takers here, they soon rolled on around the lake.

  "It seems harmless," Goody said. "And not our business." He returned to his bed.

  "Look at the tailpipe on that doxie," the parody said. "That's revving some motors."

  "Forget it," Hannah said. "She's already hitched to a semi."

  Fortunately Goody was too far into sleep to wonder about it.

  By morning the cars were clear. They ate more pies, cleaned up the campsite, and were ready to move on.

  The parody hopped onto Goody's shoulder. "You're looking good today, mop-head," it said to Hannah.

  "Thank you." Then she changed her mind. "Wait half an instant. You never compliment anybody. What's wrong with my head?"

  "I'll never tell, tanglehair."

  She faced Goody. "What?"

  "Well, your hair is rather tangled under your helmet. I suppose that's all right for a barbarian warrior lass."

  "But not if I should happen to want to freak out an enemy warrior man with my body," she said, catching on. "How do I fix it so I can charm a man if I ever want to?"

  "Say, you're getting those sneaky distaff ways, chick!"

  "My wife used to braid hers to keep it out of the way, and coil the braid on her head." He was able to speak of his wife without sinking into an abyss of grief now; it seemed the gray rose was helping.


  "That's way too much trouble. I'll just comb it out." She lifted off her helmet, plucked a comb from a bush and started ripping it through her tangles.

  "Rip it all out, playmate!" the bird advised.

  "If I may assist—" Goody said.

  She considered half a moment. "Fix it like your wife's hair." She sat on the ground and gave him the comb.

  "Braided and coiled? That would take some time."

  "That's right. I forgot. Then just leave it loose."

  He used the comb carefully, and soon enough had disentangled the tangles and combed her tresses out into a fair flair that flowed silkily down her back.

  "You actually have very nice hair," Goody said.

  "You ruined it!" the parody complained. "What a mess!"

  "That confirms it," she said, satisfied as she set the helmet carefully over it, letting the tresses show below. "Thank you."

  "Welcome."

  They got on their way. Soon they encountered an ogre who was entertaining himself by twisting saplings into square knots. By mutual consent, they elected to pass him by, as ogres were not safe to mess with.

  "What a weakling," Goody's voice said loudly.

  The ogre paused. Ogres were the strongest creatures of the forest, and knew it, and liked to prove it. Then he picked up a fist-sized stone. "Who speak me weak?" he demanded.

  Goody tried to fade back as the ogre's short attention span made him forget what had annoyed him.

  "And smart, too."

  The ogre huffed up. Cracks appeared in the stone he held. Ogres were justifiably proud of their stupidity.

  Goody set himself to run. "And handsome as they come," the bird concluded. And of course ogres loved being ugly.

  Juice dripped from the fragmented squeezed stone as the ogre took a step toward Goody. "Me do a job on bigmouth gob."

  "I'll handle this," Hannah said.

  "Please, no bloodshed," Goody said. "It's not the ogre's fault. Maybe we can apologize."

  "With the pet peeve on your shoulder?" She put her hand on her sword. "Pacifism can't counteract that."

  She had a monstrous point. "Or at least delay until we can escape," Goody said desperately.

  A bulb flashed over her head. "Female wiles," she said. "Maybe they'll work. I'll distract him while you and the bird get clear."

  "Spoilsport!"

  "Agreed," Goody said.

  Hannah faced the slowly advancing ogre, opening her halter. "Hello, you ugly brute," she said. "We were just trying to get your attention, because you looked too stupid to understand anything."

  The ogre gazed dully at her, mollified. "Me see a she."

  Hannah moved her head, flinging her hair about in nymphly style. Ogres liked ugly in their own kind, but were not entirely immune to nymphly charms. "Yes, we are just passing through." She inhaled.

  The ogre's eyes began to glaze. The maiden's charms were working. Goody took a cautious step backward.

  "She says she's seen trolls uglier, stronger, and duller than you are!" the peeve called.

  That snapped the ogre out of it. He grabbed a small tree, ripped it out of the ground, and prepared to club the barbarian woman with it.

  "Panties!" Goody called. "Flash them!"

  She whirled, drawing up her metal skirt. Goody turned away in time, but the ogre didn't. In a moment he was frozen in place, caught in mid swing.

  Back on the trail, safely past the ogre, halter back in place, Hannah murmured with satisfaction. "It worked," she said. "It really worked. I paused him with my hair, stopped him with my chest, and froze him with my panties. I'm a successful nymph!"

  "Aw, you were just lucky," the parody said.

  "And you didn't have to hurt him," Goody said, relieved.

  They climbed a moderate hill and came to a sign partly shrouded by foliage. Goody peered at it, making it out. LOVE SPRING.

  "We don't need that," Goody said. "We had better circle well around it."

  "Amen."

  "What's a love spring?" the parody demanded.

  "What, are you asking questions now, you ill-tempered avian?" Goody asked. "Are you thinking about reforming your nasty nature?"

  "That'll be the day!" Hannah said, laughing.

  But Goody felt constrained to answer the question, as it was the polite thing to do. "A love spring causes any people or creatures who drink or touch its water to—"

  Then the ground gave way beneath them, and they slid helplessly into the spring.

  "Ha ha!" the peeve called as it hovered in the air. "I distracted you so you didn't see the overhang. You morons!"

  And the two of them splashed into the water. It was deep enough for Goody to float and Hannah to stand with her head clear, so that her armor didn't sink her. They weren't hurt, but were thoroughly soaked.

  "Oh, no!" Goody cried, swimming toward her. "This isn't what I want."

  "If I had to choose someone to get dunked in a love spring with, it sure wouldn't be you," Hannah said, disgusted, as she oriented to meet him.

  "What a laugh!" the parody chortled. "Now you're really in for it!"

  "D—da—dam!" He couldn't get the bad word out; what emerged was something to do with a dike for water.

  "Bleep!" Hannah swore, doing it for him.

  Then, respectively floating and standing, they embraced each other and kissed passionately.

  "Oooo, what clumsy smooching! Why don't you put some real oomph into it, you amateurs!"

  "We can't do this here," Goody gasped as they broke for a breath.

  "Or in clothing," she agreed. That had not been exactly what he meant.

  "Ha ha ha!" the peeve laughed. For once it wasn't peevish, oddly.

  They clasped and kissed again. The barbarian woman was really quite compelling when she tried, to his dismay. Now he wished he hadn't helped her learn how to be feminine.

  "I hate this," Goody said at the next break. "I'm in grief for Go-Go." Another hot kiss as he stroked her back.

  "Quit fooling around and get down to business," the parody called.

  "If it weren't for the barbarian code of honor that requires me to complete my assignment, I'd pulverize you rather than do this." She put her hands on his rear and hauled him in to her halter for a heart-throbbing squeeze.

  "What are you two doing in my pond?" a voice demanded.

  They paused to look. It was a lovely lady standing by the edge of the pool. She wore a beautiful short dress with wet hems. She looked like a water fairy.

  "We fell in," Goody said awkwardly. "We didn't mean to."

  "And we wish we hadn't," Hannah said.

  "The last thing we wanted to do was fall in a love spring," Goody said.

  The woman laughed. "Love spring? Whatever gave you that idea?"

  "That sign," Hannah said.

  "What sign?"

  "The one on the bank above that says LOVE SPRING," Goody said.

  She laughed. "You mean the LOVE SPRINGS ETERNAL sign at the lookout ledge? I've been meaning to clip back the encroaching foliage."

  Goody and Hannah exchanged a gaze of something other than passion as they disengaged. "Part of it was covered," Hannah muttered.

  "I'd be relieved if I weren't so embarrassed," he said. "We didn't have to—to—"

  "Whatever," she agreed crossly.

  They swam and waded to shore and emerged in their dripping clothes. The woman went the other way, wading into the water. Her dress became a fish tail. She was a mermaid!

  "Perhaps we should introduce ourselves," she said. "I am Lorelei, the Siren's lesser-known cousin who was lost in the Void but managed somehow to find her way out."

  "I am Goody Goblin, the only polite male of my kind, on a mission for the Good Magician."

  "I am Hannah Barbarian, assigned to guard this goblin."

  "It is an education to meet both of you," Lorelei said. "It does get rather quiet in this isolated spot."

  "Would you like to have a talking bird?"

  "Bird?"

&n
bsp; "I need to find a good home for this pet peeve." Goody indicated the parody, who was now hovering silently above the pool.

  "Why, that might be nice," Lorelei agreed. "Is it housebroken?"

  "Housebroken!" the peeve exclaimed, outraged. "I'll poop in your pool!"

  "Don't you dare!"

  But she was too late. A nugget plopped into the water.

  "Unfortunately it's obnoxious," Goody said.

  "It certainly is!" Lorelei agreed. "Shoo! Get away from here, bird!"

  "And what if I don't, you wet piece of tail?"

  The mermaid put her hands together. A jet of water shot up, scoring on the bird.

  "Awk!" The parody tumbled through the air, righting itself barely in time to land on Goody's shoulder. "You fishy wench!" it sputtered with Goody's voice.

  "We'll take that as a no on the bird," Hannah said.

  "Do you have any idea who might be interested?" Goody asked.

  "Maybe someone in the Region of Madness," Lorelei said as she gingerly scooped up the bird dropping and hurled it into the brush. "They'd have to be mad." She washed her hands off vigorously.

  That about covered it.

  4

  No Man's Land

  They found a private glade where they could strip and dry, no longer sensitive to the problem of exposure or the bird's risqué remarks. Hannah found some fireweed that was useful for heating and drying their clothing, but they didn't dare hang it so close as to burn. It was easier to wait.

  "I wish to apologize for my behavior in the mermaid's pool," Goody said.

  Hannah shook her head. "You really are polite! I was as much at fault as you."

  "It is amazing how influential suggestion can be. We saw the sign, and assumed we were compelled."

  "We should have known better."

  "If we are ever in a similar situation—"

  "We'll stop and check to see if it is real, before we act."

  "Before we act," he agreed.

  She hesitated. "Now don't misunderstand, but—"

  Goody felt himself trying to blush again. "We are definitely not cut out to ever be a couple."

  "Right. You're a goblin and I'm a barbarian. But—"

  "But it was fun kissing."

  "It was fun kissing," she agreed. "Let's never do it again."

  "Agreed! What this suggests is that we are perhaps more ready than we thought to find appropriate partners, if they exist."