Heteroflexibility

by Mary Beth Daniels

  “Unless you try to go to a restaurant on Valentine’s Day,” Bella said. “Remember how that girl quit waiting on us after we started making out?”

  “I’d stop waiting on you if I had to watch that,” Blitz said.

  “It sucked,” Nikki said. “But nobody said anything to us.”

  “It’s better than 2004,” Ivy said, glancing at Bradford. “Gay bashing reached a height. Boys especially got the crap beaten out of them.”

  I stole a peek at Bradford, wondering if he’d ever been targeted for that, how often it might happen, like at the piano bar. I suddenly raged with protectiveness.

  “Nothing like those naked marches,” Nikki winked at Bradford.

  I tried to picture him, wrapped in a flag, arms linked with other men.

  “I wasn’t there for all that,” he said. “Had my own personal demons.”

  “I recall that little drama queen,” Ivy said. “That’s how we met.”

  Queen? Drag queen? I couldn’t picture Bradford with a man who dressed like a woman. But what did I know. His face was pretty enough to win a drag contest, hands down.

  I hoped they would keep talking about Bradford’s past, but Mary said, “You girls have any ideas for us? If we don’t get married today, and the measure passes, we won’t be able to do it at all.”

  “You can always go to Canada,” another woman said. “That’s what we did.” She squeezed the hand of a petite girl next to her. “The license doesn’t travel, but it carries weight for legal stuff. Though my parents have never recognized that we had a ceremony.”

  “I don’t think anything was worse than me having to tell my redneck daddy I was gay,” Jenna said. “I still don’t think he’s gotten over it.”

  “At least he’s not still asking if you’ve met any boys,” Mary said, nudging her.

  “I haven’t spoken to my mom in six years,” Audrey said. “She disowned me when I came out.” Aud threaded her arm through Audrey’s.

  “You think she’ll ever come around?” I asked.

  “I don’t know.”

  Ivy rocked forward on her chair. “What exactly was her problem with it? Did she say?”

  “She wanted grandkids.”

  “You can do that!” Bella said.

  Audrey rested her small chin in her hand. Bradford had rolled her hair into an intricate updo, glossy and near black, with tiny rhinestone flowers dotting the backward sweep. “She couldn’t save face to her Bunko friends, I think. They were always bragging about their handsome successful sons-in-laws, the weddings that were too lavish for words, the country club outings.”

  “How did she let you know you were disowned?” Bella asked.

  “She wrote me a letter actually. Said it was too painful to talk about. Asked me not to contact her anymore.”

  “And you let that happen?” Ivy asked. “You just allowed it?”

  Audrey fingered a dangling earring. “What else do you do? Make them accept you?”

  Ivy slammed down her margarita glass. “I fought back. When I brought Amy over for Thanksgiving and announced we were dating, my parents tried to pull the ol’ silent treatment. I just kept talking. And when they put sheets on the sofa for Amy, I just took them right off and put them in my room.”

  “You’re braver than me,” Audrey said. “I never was good at disobeying my mom.”

  “You were not disobeying!” Ivy’s pale face had flushed red to her roots. “You act like you wrecked the family car! You were being who you are.”

  “It’s not that easy,” Bella said. “It took two years for my parents to get used to the idea. That’s one thing that will be different about this little one,” she smiled up at Nikki. “He won’t have to grow up like we all did, with that built-in assumption that he has to be like his parents.”

  “God help me if he turns out to be some Tonka truck crashing macho man,” Nikki said.

  I caught on first. “Are you saying that Bella is—”

  “Oh my God, I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out!” Mary said. “Bella!”

  Everyone jumped up and began hugging her. I stood, snapping shots, the first happy smiles since we’d seen since the minister.

  “I so hope you get some strapping young buck, chasing skirts and driving you mad,” Ivy said. “Justice.”

  “Shut up, ho’!” Nikki shouted, laughing. “But it’d serve me right, with all the trash talk I do about boys.” She glanced at Bradford. “No offense.”

  He held up a palm. “None taken.”

  “So what did you do?” Audrey asked. “Sperm bank? Was it expensive?”

  “The old fashioned way,” Nikki said, and this time Bella flushed red.

  “Oh no you didn’t!” Audrey said.

  Nikki elbowed Bella. “Well, you know she used to date boys.”

  “Nikki, stop it!” Bella lightly smacked her on the knee. “I did no such thing.” She turned back to Audrey. “But we didn’t do IUI. Insurance wouldn’t cover it and it was going to cost six thousand dollars.”

  “Six thousand!” Mary said.

  Bella nodded. “We picked a friend we know and love, and he was the donor.”

  Jenna leaned forward. “You did the turkey baster? That really works?”

  “It was a little more intricate than that,” Bella said, her face blossoming red again. “It took a few tries.”

  Nikki held up the glass. “I got the honor, thank you very much.”

  Aud tossed a napkin at Nikki. “No wonder you were hot to get married!” she said. “You knocked her up!”

  Jenna grasped Mary’s hand. “We were hoping to do medical IUI. But it’s expensive.”

  “What’s an IUI?” Ivy asked. “Don’t be using all these inside code-words.”

  “Inter-uterine insemination,” Jenna said. “They unfreeze the little squirmies and stick them in you.”

  “Is that the technical description?” Ivy asked. “Because if that’s the technical version, I don’t want to know what really happens.”

  Aud rolled her eyes. “No details!”

  “Where else do we get details?” Ivy asked.

  Nikki slapped the table. “Did you know it takes fifty million sperm to fertilize an egg?”

  Ivy jumped up from her chair. “No way.”

  “But it does! Because none of them will ask for directions!”

  The collective groan was punctuated with laughter. “She got you, Ivy,” Jenna said.

  Ivy shook her head. “I should have seen that coming.”

  A petite Asian woman with sleek black hair popped through the doorway and waved. “Sorry I’m late!” she said.

  “Ameeeee!” the Patties chorused.

  “Our fearless leader,” Ivy said, leaning to pull an empty chair near her. “And love of my life.”

  Amy leaned over to drop a quick kiss on Ivy’s mouth and sat down. “I’ve been on the phone and here’s what I found out.” She looked around the table. “There’s a JP I know who can do the wedding.”

  “Really!” Mary said. “Oh, Amy!”

  “Here’s the catch. We have to go to him because he’s sandwiching us between two ceremonies today already.”

  Nikki jumped from her chair. “So let’s go! I’ve got to make my honey legitimate!”

  “Sit down,” Amy said. “We can’t just walk out of here.”

  Nikki crossed her arms. “What are you talking about?”

  “The protestors are pretty serious outside.”

  “What do you mean?” Nikki glanced at the patio walls.

  “Out front,” Amy said. “Nobody’s coming in, actually. The manager’s not thrilled about it. I hung out for a while to see what was going on, then walked around and came in through the delivery entrance.”

  “So we’ll sneak out the delivery entrance,” Nikki said. “Let’s go!”

  “But the limo,” Mary said.

  “You Patties got cars, right?” Nikki said. “We’ll ditch the limo.”

  “We might could make it,”
Ivy said. “It’s worth a try.”

  “I wouldn’t,” Amy said. “They’ve got handcuffs.”

  “They’ve got what?” Nikki stopped her pacing across the floor and whirled around.

  “They’re planning to stop your wedding no matter what.”

  Mary dropped her head to the table. “Why are they doing this to us?”

  “It’s show time for Haverty,” Amy said. “He’s hell bent on stopping you, and now that the media’s involved, he doesn’t plan to lose.”

  “I’m going to go check out the back,” Nikki said. “This is ridiculous.” She hurried through the door to the restaurant.

  “Can we call the cops? Isn’t that assault?” Audrey asked.

  “We could,” Amy said. “But if we get detained, you’ll miss the chance to get married.”

  “We have to be careful with Bella,” Mary said. “We don’t want a scuffle.”

  “I’m ready for a scuffle,” Blitz said.

  Krieg tweaked her ear. “You’re always ready for a scuffle.”

  “Let’s not get arrested,” Mary said.

  My cell phone pinged with a text message. Fern, of all people. Where r u?

  I ignored it. I didn’t have time for that drama.

  It beeped again. We have 2 talk.

  Ah. Somehow, she knew I knew.

  My focus shifted for a moment, away from the women, and back to my life. Maybe it was my show time too.

  I sat on a chair and texted her back. I know about u and Cade.

  Almost immediately came a response. I figured. Can we talk?

  I sucked in a breath. Not interested.

  No choice.

  What did she mean by that? Why?

  He won’t leave me alone.

  Ha. That’s hilarious. Ur problem. Not mine.

  He luvs u.

  I typed furiously. Nope.

  I’ve fallen 4 a girl. Surprise! He mite wreck it 4 me.

  “Zest, you with us?”

  Ivy stood near me. “We’ll need you as a back up in case the women get caught. Someone who won’t have been arrested or handcuffed. Haverty shouldn’t target you.”

  I nodded and snapped the phone shut. Fern was not going to fuck up one more thing for me.

  Nikki shoved her way through the door to the patio and dropped into her chair. “I talked to the wait staff. Apparently there’s over a hundred people out there now, and a lot of them have handcuffs. They’re shouting crap about how it is their moral obligation to stop our wedding. Even if we got out the back way, we don’t have access to the parking lot and the cars. We’d have to walk right by them.”

  Robert came back out with a tray of shots. “These are on the house,” he said. “The owner’s called the cops, but unless they damage something, we can’t make them leave.”

  “What if we dressed as waiters?” Jenna asked.

  “In what?” Nikki said, gesturing to Robert in his jeans and t-shirt, a black apron tied around his waist. “They just wear regular clothes.”

  “What would we do if this was a movie?” Jenna went on. “What would be the most ridiculous thing we could think of to create a diversion?”

  “There’s always explosives,” Blitz said.

  “In Star Wars, the Ewoks steal their speeder bikes,” Audrey said.

  “In Revenge of the Nerds, they had a panty raid,” Bella offered.

  “That’s useful,” Aud said.

  Audrey nudged her. “Don’t be mean to the mama-to-be.”

  Aud frowned. “We’ve got to come up with something.”

  “Well, if you need a laugh,” I said, suddenly remembering a funny line from The Lion King. “You can always dress in drag and do the hula.”

  Everyone turned to me. “That’s brilliant,” Ivy said.

  Bradford threw up his hand. “Please don’t ask me.”

  “No,” Ivy said, pulling out her phone. “The Ball Breakers.”

  “Perfect!” Amy said. “Their bridal show!”

  Ivy walked to the corner of the patio, talking manically into her cell.

  “Someone explain?” Nikki started pacing.

  “The Ball Breakers are another softball team,” Amy said, then turned to me. “The gay male one.”

  “Yes!” said another one of the Patties. “They do a mock drag show every year to raise money for the food bank. This year was a bridal show.”

  “So they all have wedding gowns?” Nikki asked.

  “They should,” Amy said.

  “Can they pull it off?” Mary asked. “The protestors know what we look like.”

  “Not true,” said Nikki. “Only some of the wingnuts know what we look like. All the Ball Breakers have to do is excite enough of them to stop watching the back door, and we can make it out to the limo.” She turned to Mary. “Can you call the driver and make sure he knows to be ready?”

  “I’m on it,” Mary said.

  “This is crazy,” Bella said.

  “Not as crazy as what they’re planning out there.” Nikki paced the room again. She turned to me. “You have to get all this,” she said.

  “I’m on it,” I said, grinning.

  Jenna picked up her dog, clutching it to her chest. “I’ll have to make sure Butch doesn’t get squashed in the rush.”

  Mary petted the mop of white fur. “He’ll be okay.”

  Ivy popped her phone closed and walked back to the table. “They’re coming,” she said. “Amy, what time are we supposed to meet the JP?”

  “Not until two. We can make it as long as the Ball Breakers don’t take too long.”

  Chapter 28: Send in the Cavalry

  They arrived slowly, in twos and threes, carrying duffle bags and expressions of grim determination. Tall men, short men. Good looking and average. None looked the least bit pretty or feminine.

  One man was especially striking, not just strong, but with a body builder physique and wheat blond hair that spiked in every direction. He strode in with his bag over his shoulder, his immense chest seeming to enter the room before the rest of him.

  “Horatio!” Ivy called. “I haven’t seen you in ages! Have any trouble getting through the crowd?”

  Horatio laid his duffle on the table. “Nope. They’re not stopping anyone, but the regular people are just driving by without parking. Not going to get much business here today.” His voice was unnaturally low.

  “Did they say anything to you?” Nikki asked.

  “Yes. They said that if we saw the sinners, to beseech them to come out for healing and forgiveness.”

  “Beseech us?” Nikki said.

  Horatio got on one knee, his thighs bulging in the faded jeans. I couldn’t help but stare, longing to photograph each one separately, in honor of every sinew. He stretched out his arms. “Ladies, I beseech you, shed your sinful ways!”

  Ivy shoved him from the side. He neatly caught himself with one palm to the floor, then sprung back toward her, pulling her into a headlock. “Sinning lesbians get noogies,” he said, rubbing his fist through her hair.

  “Arghh! Stop!” Ivy called, laughing. “My do! You’re wrecking my do!”

  “Awww, you dykes don’t care about your hair,” Horatio said. He glanced up and saw Bradford, and instantly let go of Ivy.

  I turned to glance back at Bradford, who also seemed frozen in place.

  “Hey, Brad baby,” Horatio said.

  Bradford responded with only a grim smile. They had a history, I knew it.

  Four more Ball Breakers strode through the door. “What’s the plan?” asked one, heaving a suit bag over an empty table. “We left our cars in the back like you asked.”

  Amy held out her hand. “Give me the keys. I think it will work best if we ask the driver to move the limo forward, like he’s about to get the women. Then we’ll send you boys out, and this will make them think we’re making a break for it.”

  Nikki came forward. “And we’ll sneak out the back and take their cars?”

  “Exactly.” Amy handed her the
keys. “It’s a red Rav 4 and a black Prius, right?”

  The men nodded. Amy walked back around the girls. “Let’s decide who’s driving and who is getting in each car. Don’t worry about the Patties, they’ll make it out okay. I’ll ride with the Hoebags to get them to the JP.”

  Bradford began unzipping bags and pulling out great tufts of white fabric. “What about me and Zest?”

  “Heads up.” Amy tossed him another set of keys. “You take my car and meet us. That way Zest can cover the fun with the Ball Breakers, and then you guys can catch us at The Plantation.”

  Bradford winced. “That’s where we’re meeting the JP?”

  “Yeah, sorry,” Amy said.

  “It’s all right,” Bradford said. “I’m a big boy.”

  I watched him, hoping they’d say more, but Bradford just walked away.

  First Horatio, and now this. I desperately wanted a moment alone with Nikki to see what she knew.

  A set of near-identical California surfer types came into the room, and we were up to eight Ball Breakers. Two of them had facial hair, and I had no idea how they were going to pass for lesbians, but what did I know.

  Bradford tugged another gown out of a bag. “Let’s get everyone dressed.”

  Horatio immediately kicked off his shoes and stripped out of his light sweater and jeans. I held my camera a moment, frozen in awe, then Nikki elbowed me awake. “You don’t want to miss this man.”

  I raised the camera and began taking shots. The light entered from above the high wall and struck the curves of his arms and thighs with amazing effect. I could have photographed this all day, him in gray silk boxers, utterly tan and perfectly formed.

  Bradford approached with a white bustier and the sight of him fitting the lace-trimmed underwear to this man was just too much. The bulging shoulders, the delicate trim. The broad chest, the fitted corset. I sat on the floor and burst into giggles.

  “Somebody cut off the photographer,” Nikki said. “She’s had too much booze.”

  “No,” I said, tears beginning to stream out of my eyes, “I just—I can’t—”

  Nikki stood over me, holding a pitcher of ice water. “Don’t make me do this.”

  I scrambled to my feet. “The camera!”

  “That’s better.”

  All around, the Ball Breakers were stripping with no shyness whatsoever. I needed six photographers to cover it all well. I stepped away, trying to get broader shots, glad for the ambient light and no need for flash, which would have been distracting and would have flattened the perfect shadows and highlights of their bodies.