Witch Glitch

by Robyn Peterman

  "My mom is not a healer," I said in my outdoor voice. "I healed her daily for years. I thought it would make her like me better. It just pissed her off."

  "I hear she's living with a Vampire," Hildy said with a derisive snort.

  "This is true," I muttered somewhat distracted by everything I was learning.

  Was my mother jealous of my abilities? I couldn't imagine why she would want to heal. She was as selfish as they came.

  "Why on earth would my mother want to be a healer?" I asked. "She didn't have a lick of compassion in her."

  "Isn't it obvious?" Hildy snipped. "With the healing power we’re in line to become the next Baba Yaga."

  "Wait. There's only one Baba Yucky and she's a 1980's reject." I was so confused.

  "Oh dear." Hildy giggled. "Sometimes I forget how young you are and how little training you've had. Baba Yaga is simply a title bestowed on our chosen leader. Baba's real name is Carol."

  "You're shitting me."

  Carol? Her name was Carol? That just didn't compute.

  "Do I look like I'm shitting you?" Hildy inquired seriously.

  "Um… no. So healers are Baba Yagas?"

  "Yes, there are two lines which can rule. Ours—the line with healers—or Carol's."

  "What's Carol's line? The fashion disasters?" I asked with a giggle.

  Hildy's belly laugh made me giggle harder. "No, no, no no!" She waved her finger at me as she tried to control her mirth. "Carol's line are creators."

  "So we have special magic?" I asked.

  "We do. Our magic can't be taught. It simply is," Hildy said with a flip of her red hair.

  "Well, I sure as hell hope I can be taught to control this shit because the craters are ugly," I cut in referring to my destroyed back yard.

  When Baba Yumpy showed up for her date with Daaaaad, I was going to have to stop myself from calling her Carol. In fact, it was going to be next to impossible.

  "You just need to relax and focus," Hildy advised. "Stop thinking so hard. When you wanted the Shifters to stop beating themselves up, what did you do?"

  "I waved my hand and wished for them to cease the idiocy," I said.

  "There you go," Daaaaad said happily. "PS, Chuck has some real issues."

  Hildy nodded and flew herself to the chair next to me. "He doesn't care about freezing to death. He wants to be with me."

  "He's been trying to off himself for weeks," I told her.

  "If he kills himself, he will never be with her," Daaaaad said thoughtfully. "His death must be natural or noble in order to move on to the Next Adventure."

  I considered the question hovering on my tongue for a good while before I asked it. Did even I really want to know what was foremost in my mind? Could I handle the truth?

  "Hildy?"

  "Yes dear?"

  "What is the Next Adventure like?"

  "I haven't been there yet," she said quietly. "I was in a holding tank of sorts, I suppose. Apparently the Goddess had more plans for me here."

  "So the Next Adventure could be nothing—just a big black hole of nothingness?" I whispered.

  "Maybe," she answered. "But I don't think so. I caught little glimpses of those moving on and it was indescribable."

  "Beautiful?" I inquired hopefully.

  "Beyond mere words," she replied. "It looked and felt like pure peace."

  "I don't want you to go there. I want you to stay," I said in a voice that reminded me of myself as a child begging my mom to love me.

  Hildy floated close without touching and smiled at me. "My coming back is a gift," she said. "I don't know how long it will last, but meeting you completes me. I never had a child, but if I had one, I could only wish she was as beautiful, compassionate, kind and as strong as you."

  "I'm none of those things," I told her.

  "You are all of those things, child. You just have to believe."

  Was she right? With all my bad traits—and there were many—was I all those good things too?

  "This is getting deep," Daaaaad said as he hugged me tight.

  "Yep," I said as I wiped away a stray tear which had fallen from my eye. "Let's get back to more gossipy shit. What's Chuck's gift?"

  "You mean besides his prehensile lips?" Hildy inquired with a glint in her eye.

  "What the hell does that mean?" I asked quite sure I would regret my question.

  "Detachable lips! You wouldn't believe what he can do with those. One time…" Hildy was on a roll.

  "Stop!" I yelled and smacked my hands over my ears. "I am this close to projectile hurling and I ate multi-colored cereal this morning for breakfast. And thank you for assuring for the need to tack on at least ten more years of therapy."

  Daaaaad scrubbed his hands over his handsome face and groaned. "I think I might need some therapy to erase that one too."

  "You're all just jealous," she trilled. "Don't you want to know Mac's gift?"

  "No she does not," Daaaaad grumbled. "She going to meet a nice warlock and settle down. Soon."

  "Hummph," Hildy grunted. "Warlocks are imbeciles. Present party included. A big, and I mean big Shifter, is definitely the way to go."

  I bit back my laugh as Daaaaad turned an unbecoming shade of purple. Hildy sang on about the size of Shifters and I was certain Daaaaad was going to blow.

  "What's Mac's gift?" I asked trying to avoid a brother-sister smackdown.

  "Ohhhhhhh," Hildy said with reverence. "Mac has a gift very few are given. He was blessed by the Goddess with compassion and a deadly protective instinct unparalleled by any magical species. Shifters of his kind only come along every few thousand years. He is meant for greatness."

  My stomach lurched and I wanted to cry. Shitballsbuttbomb.

  "Well, there you go," I choked out in a tone I hoped sounded casual and uncaring. "He needs to pick someone far better than me."

  "He didn't pick you. You were meant for him," Hildy informed me.

  "Oh my hell," I yelled. "So he's stuck with me? This is awful. He needs someone who can you know… be a responsible grown up."

  "No, he just needs someone who will love him," Hildy countered simply.

  This was giving me hives. Hildy did not understand. She didn't really know me. None of these people did.

  Hell, I'd spent more time with Sassy in the pokey than any of my new friends—and Sassy didn't know me either. I wasn't sure I even knew me.

  They thought I was nice and compassionate. I was not the witch they were making me out to be. This was far more than I could handle. Once they realized who I really was—a selfish, unstable, unlovable and materialistic nightmare they wouldn't want me anymore.

  Fuck, this was why I never stayed anywhere long. It always ended in disappointment—usually mine. I was getting far too attached here and it was going to end in heartbreak. It most often did.

  Fine. I was a big girl. I owed it to the community to find the evil and destroy it. Doing so would feel good and make me happy. After I was done, I would quietly slip away. Maybe Sassy could take over. No. That would be a clusterfuck. I would break up with Mac and let him know I wasn't mating material for him.

  Goddess, if I did that I'd definitely have to leave. Seeing him with another woman would kill me… or I'd kill her. Not very kind and compassionate… or legal.

  I narrowed my eyes and focused on the rock I'd given up on earlier. Before I could explore the ramifications of creating another massive hole in my yard, I blew up the rock. Only the rock. Bingo. Without much thought, I flicked my fingers and filled in all the craters. As an afterthought, I added a few trees and flowering shrubs.

  Daaaaad was grinning and Hildy was cheering. I was about to conjur up an Olympic sized swimming pool, but stopped short. That was self-serving… wasn’t it?

  "Would a pool be a bad thing or a good thing?" I asked my next of kin.

  "Will you open it to the community?" Daaaaad asked with a smirk.

  I considered for only a second. "Yes, but only in human form. I am not cleani
ng hair out of filters."

  "Then I say yes!" Hildy squealed.

  "Done." I wiggled my nose and a pool appeared. "I'm handling my magic," I shouted as I added twenty cabana chairs and a pool house complete with a snack shack and sauna.

  This was fun. Goddess, I could fix up down town for the community and maybe even magic up a Target.

  "Holy shit on a stick, you people are loud," Sassy shouted from her window above. All of your rude chattering woke me up an hour ago."

  "Your point, lazy ass?" I yelled back.

  "You need me," she said with a huge yawn.

  "And yet again, I'm not following."

  "The witch. The one behind stealing Hildy's magic is the very same one who sent the honey badgers to kill you. I know who it is."

  "You gonna make me guess?" I snapped.

  "Nope, but I have to pee like a race horse. Keep your panties on. I'll be down in five."

  Chapter 13

  "Is she sane?" Hildy asked as we waited for Sassy and her theory on who the witch was.

  "Define sane," I muttered as I paced.

  "Oh dear…" Hildy mumbled as she flew around and wrung her hands.

  To pass the time while Sassy relieved herself, I added nice teak tables with sun umbrellas to the pool deck. I considered a diving board, but the amount of broken Shifter necks I'd have to heal prevented me.

  "Where is she?" I hissed.

  "Peeing," Daaaad reminded me.

  "Duh. How long does it take to pee?" I snapped.

  "Depends on the time of day and if it's hot or cold outside. Month of the year also is a determinate," he explained seriously.

  "Alrighty then," I said and kept pacing.

  Did she really have the answer we were looking for? How in the hell could she? Sassy wasn't from here and only knew the bare bones of what had gone on in the last several weeks. Had the warlocks told her and she'd held out? She was in for an enormous ass smite if that was the case.

  "Dude, the guest bathroom has a water fountain in the toilet," Sassy said, stuffing a bagel in her mouth as she stumbled out into the backyard.

  "Did you drink out of it?" I asked, suppressing an evil grin.

  "No, am I supposed to?" she asked.

  All the bathrooms in the house had bidets—very European. Clearly my Aunt Hildy had a thing for cleanliness.

  "Yes. Yes you are. It's a very rare and tasty natural spring water," I said without cracking a smile.

  "Seems a little odd to drink from a toilet, but whatever. When in Assjacket…" Sassy said with a shrug.

  "Soooooo?" I asked.

  "Wait. Do I just drink from it like a water fountain or do I get a glass and fill it?"

  "Water fountain," I said as Daaaaad sprinted to the other side of the yard to hide his laughter.

  "Is he okay?" Sassy inquired with concern. She wiped the cream cheese from her fingers onto some very expensive jeans which looked disturbingly like a pair of mine.

  "He's fine," I said quickly. "Info please."

  "It's not real hard to figure out, dumbass," she said. "You know her."

  I knew her? Who in the hell did I know that Sassy knew as well?

  "It's not Baba Yopaininmyass," I informed her firmly.

  "Oh my Goddess." Sassy crouched over in laughter. "Of course it's not! She might be a fashion show disaster, but she's good through and through. A little rough on the punishments if you ask me, but she's not evil."

  "Okay," I said as I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. "Who is it?"

  "You don't want to guess?" she asked with a smirk.

  "No," I ground out as I briefly considered magically rearranging her face. "I don't want to guess."

  Sassy back away and grinned. "Don't do it," she warned.

  "Do what?" I shouted.

  "I don't know, but don't do it," she replied with a giggle.

  She was enjoying herself way too much for my pleasure.

  "I'll tell Jeeves you're into My Little Pony sexual role playing," I threatened.

  "What the heyhey?" She gasped and backed further away. "How did you know that?"

  "Holy shit," I choked out. "I made that crap up."

  "Well, you have no room to talk, Little Red Riding Hood," Sassy accused.

  "I most certainly do," I shot back. "A witch with a rainbow tail coming out of her ass and a witch wearing a ten thousand dollar Chanel red cape are two entirely different things."

  "Mother fucker," Sassy gushed, totally impressed. "You have a ten thousand dollar cape?"

  "I do," I squealed completely forgetting what we were talking about.

  Daaaaad's groan and dry heave brought me back to reality.

  "Okay," I reasoned trying to get back on track. "I will do my damnedest to block out that you like to wear a tail and snort during sex. And you will tell me who the fucking witch is. Now."

  "You won't tell Jeeves?" she asked with narrowed eyes.

  "No, I won't tell. Witch's Honor," I promised.

  I heard Hildy's chuckle and I shot her a look that shut her up fast. My track record with Witch's Honor was slightly lacking lately.

  "Good because I want to surprise him," Sassy said.

  "He'll definitely be surprised," I said with a small shudder feeling sorry for Jeeves. He had no clue he was now in a relationship with Sassy the Horse. "The witch?"

  "Oh right… it's your mom."

  WTF?

  "Did the butmunching warlocks tell you this?" I demanded as I advanced on her. My mother was a heartless skank, but not a killer. At least I didn't think so…

  "No, your loud mouths did," she said as she stood her ground.

  "Explain," I snapped.

  Hildy had flown close and Daaaaad high tailed it back over.

  "Let's start with something I'm curious about. What the hell is her name?" Sassy asked.

  "Judith," I said at the same time Daaaaad said, "Sandy," and at the very moment Hildy said, "Isobelle."

  "Okay." Sassy shook her head and chuckled. "I'm just gonna stick with 'your mom'."

  "Out with it," I said impatiently.

  "She's dating a Vamp?" she asked.

  "Yes, what does that have to do with anything?" Daaaaad asked, perplexed.

  "I'll get to that," Sassy promised. "You're hot. Are you seeing anyone?" she asked him with a lecherous smile

  "Oh my hell," I hissed. "He's my daaaaad."

  "Ooops, sorry. That is a little weird," she agreed. "And anyway, I'm dating Jeeves."

  I held my tongue before I reminded her she hadn't even met Jeeves yet, but there was no time for a debate. I needed answers.

  "So, your mom tried to be Hildy, right?" Sassy asked.

  "Right," Hildy answered.

  "Then dated your daaaaad and tried to learn to heal?"

  "Yes, but boffed would be more accurate," Daaaaad chimed in.

  "Okay, boffed," Sassy amended. "Got pregnant with his child?"

  "Yes," I said as my head felt light. She was on to something. I could feel it in my gut. I just couldn't decipher the details.

  "Hated you?" she asked me.

  "Yes," I admitted softly.

  "Wanted to be a Baba Yaga?" she added. "Which by the way, I didn't know about either."

  "The Baba thing being a title?" I asked, glad I wasn't the only one.

  "Who did your training dear?" Hildy asked kindly.

  "I was home schooled," Sassy told her.

  "By a witch?" Hildy asked.

  "Nope, by me," Sassy said with pride.

  Well that certainly explained a lot.

  "Sassy, while all of this is somewhat revolting to discuss, I'm not sure I see how you came to this conclusion," Hildy said as she made the international kookoo sign behind Sassy's back.

  "I can see how you would say that," Sassy agreed with a nod.

  "Wait, the revolting part or the how in the hell did you cook up this bizarre plot part?" I asked getting confused and more annoyed.

  "Both," Sassy confirmed.

  "S
assy," Daaaaad ground out as calmly as he could. "It would be outstanding if you could put us out of our misery here. Get to the damn point."