Signs of Love

by Kimberly Rae Jordan

  Fire flashed in her green eyes. "But he hasn't. And that's all that matters."

  "No, actually, it's not. You need to take care of yourself too." Justin took a bite of the sandwich he held before he said anything more. The purpose of this lunch was to talk through things, not rile her up more.

  "Caden and I are just fine." She set her fork down and lowered her hands to her lap, hidden from his view by the picnic table. "And I agreed to stay with Beth and Daniel only if they'd let me contribute by paying rent. But sooner or later, we will move into a place of our own. I have managed to take care of both of us before and there's no reason I won't be able to do that again once I’ve save up a bit more money. I'm planning to get a job when he goes to school in the fall. We will be fine."

  Justin lowered the sandwich, his appetite slipping away. Was she aware of what she was saying? That she was making it very clear—whether she meant to or not—that she saw herself as caring for herself and Caden alone in the future she was laying out to him? She wasn't going to even give him a chance, he realized.

  “Listen, about this past week..." Justin tried to find the words in an attempt to get things back on track. "I'm sorry."

  "No need to apologize." She said the words as if she'd been practicing them. "I know you have a very busy and stressful job."

  "Yes, it is, but—"

  She cut his words off with a wave of her hand. "You don't have to explain anything to me. I think right now it's just best if you don't have to worry about us. I know Caden will appreciate any time you can spend with him, but I don't want you to feel stressed out trying to juggle your job and stuff with us. It seems that it works best to just commit to Monday nights."

  Justin swallowed hard as he tried to take in what she was saying. He supposed he should be glad she wasn't shutting him completely out of their lives, but the pain he felt was just too much. "I really am sorry about what happened this past week. It wasn't my intention to make you feel like I didn't have time for you."

  “But you didn't. Have time that is." She tilted her head as she looked at him. "And I understand that. I think it's pretty clear that you have a lot of responsibility at BlackThorpe. I just don't feel like it will work. Either you'll cut back and I'll feel guilty because I know you'd rather be there for things like the training you've been doing, or you'll continue on as it is, which wouldn't be any good for a relationship. We've already seen that."

  "Won't you at least give me a chance to make some changes? We kinda started things off in the middle of something I'd already committed to. And I know I made a mistake not contacting you last week." Justin rubbed his forehead. This talking stuff out was hard. "I think I could make changes that would make this work."

  She arched her brow. "You think? And then what happens when you find out you can't? When I let myself get my hopes up only to have you decide that you just can't step away from it enough? It will only get worse the longer we put this off. The bottom line is...you love your job."

  That was true, he did. He loved it, and he was good at it. But as he faced the prospect of losing Alana, Justin realized that while he did love his job, he loved her more. Yes, there it was. The L word...but there was no avoiding it. He had to acknowledge the depth of his feelings for her because it was what would propel him forward to make the changes to show her that he could—and would—make room for them both in his life.

  He wanted to tell her that he was going to change. That he wanted to change so that he could be with her and Caden. But something told him at that moment that his words carried zero weight with her.

  No, he was going to have to show her.

  “If you're sure that's what you want," he said when he realized she was sitting there waiting for a response from him. He saw the resignation in her eyes but strangely enough, it gave him hope. She wasn't ending things because she didn't want to be with him. He was counting on that as he began to formulate a plan of action. Unfortunately, it wouldn't be as simple as just suddenly switching his job to 9-5 hours starting the next day. He had to hand off some responsibility and rearrange a few things. Nothing that couldn't be done, but it would take a little bit of time.

  "It is." She stabbed a piece of lettuce with her fork and lifted it to her mouth.

  They ate in silence for a couple of minutes before Justin said, “So you've decided to send Caden to school in the fall?"

  She shot him a wide-eyed look, obviously surprised at the change of subject. She take a quick breath and let it out. "Yes. I went and took a tour of the school, and I think it will be good for him."

  "It's a school for deaf students?"

  With his questions, Justin grabbed control of the conversation and steered it away from the tense discussion they'd just been having. Though Alana had appeared surprised initially, she seemed to relax as they stayed on neutral ground with the talk centering on Caden, Beth, Daniel, and Genevieve. She ate slowly as they talked, but at least she was eating for which Justin was grateful.

  When she finished, he cleaned up their containers and dumped them into a nearby garbage can.

  "What time do you need to pick Caden up?" Justin asked as he returned to the table.

  "Four."

  "You've still got an hour and a half. Want to go for a walk?"

  He thought she was going to refuse, but then she nodded and got up from the picnic table. As they walked along the path, Justin found himself wanting to reach for her hand, but that wasn't his place right then. Soon, he hoped it would be, but just not quite yet.

  It was during the walk that he tried to delve a little deeper into her life. He found out she did indeed have parents and two siblings, but it quickly became apparent she didn't want to talk about them. It was kind of sad really, given that he couldn't imagine any circumstances—barring death—that his parents would have allowed him to break off contact with them. Unless, of course, it had been her family who'd broken contact. He'd already done the math and figured she had been either seventeen or eighteen when she got pregnant with Caden. She wouldn't be the first person whose family had kicked her out over a teen pregnancy. It was definitely their loss if that had been the case.

  It did explain a lot, however and gave him that much more insight into how she'd view things with him. As he walked beside her, Justin realized he'd never thought he'd care enough about a woman to work this hard at a relationship. He'd dropped his last girlfriend when she'd kept after him about working less, and yet now he was already figuring out how to do that in order to be with Alana and her son.

  He didn't just take advantage of the walk to ask about her life, but to share more about his. Oh, he didn't come right out and talk about his past, but wound it up with Beth's and delivered it to her that way. Previously, he hadn't wanted people to know much about him, but with Alana, Justin found that he wanted her to know everything.

  By the time they'd circled back around to the truck, Justin felt more confident in his plan. And best of all, she was relaxed with him in a way she hadn't been earlier.

  "What's the address?" he asked as he started up the truck.

  She frowned and opened her mouth to no doubt object, but Justin looked at her and lifted an eyebrow. Alana sighed and gave him the address. He punched it into the navigation system and waited for it to plot the route before pulling out.

  "I know you'd probably rather take the bus on your own to pick him up, but I'd like to see him for a little bit." He paused. "If that's okay with you."

  He glanced over in time to see her look at him, her brows drawn together over her beautiful green eyes. "Yes, it's fine. I know he'd like to see you, too."

  Alana didn't pursue further conversation during the drive to pick up Caden, but this time the quiet wasn't tense like it had been before. He couldn't remember the last time he'd spent as much time with a woman—other than Beth—just talking. Once she'd relaxed, Alana had been surprisingly talkative. He'd enjoyed it and planned to do what he needed to in order to make sure it happened again. And again.

&
nbsp; He had no problem imagining them spending time talking each day. Him sharing about his day. Her sharing about hers. It's what he should have done in the week following their movie date.

  When they pulled up to the house, Alana turned to him. "Do you mind just waiting here?"

  He knew why she wanted that. She considered their relationship over so didn't want to have to explain his presence to whoever was inside. He was fine with that...for now...so he nodded.

  He watched her walk in front of the truck and head for the front door. She moved gracefully, the long skirt she wore flowing around her legs. He frowned as he thought of how she always wore long skirts or pants. Did her legs have the same scars as her arms? His stomach clenched at the thought.

  It wasn't long before the front door opened and Alana stepped out with Caden. Justin grinned as he saw the moment when Caden realized he was there. The boy froze then darted toward the truck.

  Justin opened his door and slid out just as Caden reached him. The little guy flung himself into his arms and he scooped him up. The feeling of Caden's small arms tight around his neck just reinforced how much he wanted these two in his life permanently. He wished he could hold Alana like he held Caden. He wanted to gather them both close.

  By the time Alana had joined them, he'd circled around to put Caden in the back seat. The boy's eyes widened, and he gave Justin a questioning look when he spotted what waited for him.

  "Can you tell Caden the booster seat is there so he can ride safely in my truck?" When Alana didn't move, Justin looked over at her. Her gaze was glued to the booster seat, her expression conflicted. "Alana?"

  She seemed to mentally shake herself and quickly signed to Caden. When she finished, Caden gave him a big smile and a thumbs up before climbing into the truck. Justin moved in to buckle the seatbelt for Caden, essentially trapping Alana between him and the door.

  When he straightened and stepped back, her cheeks were flushed, and she moved quickly to the front seat. He waited until she was in and buckled before he closed her door.

  Grinning, he rounded the back of the truck. She may think things were over between them, but little did she know.

  ~*~*~

  Alana stared at the addition of SOLD on the FOR SALE sign across the street from Beth's house as she made her way back from the park where she'd spent the afternoon with Caden. She'd wondered if Justin was seriously considering it after he'd gone to look at it, but he hadn't said a word about it in the almost two weeks since. Not that he'd had many opportunities to say anything. After spending the afternoon and part of the evening with her and then Caden, he'd once again dropped off the radar. This time, however, he had given her a head's up that he had another intense week ahead so would probably not be by until the next weekend.

  Not that he owed her any explanation now. She'd ended things and he'd taken it pretty well. He hadn't tried too hard to dissuade her from it. He hadn't argued with her logic. But then how could he? Everything she'd said about his job had been true.

  As Caden went downstairs to get his tablet, Alana went to the kitchen and found Beth at the counter dumping batter into a cake pan. She looked up and smiled as Alana joined her.

  "How was the park?" she asked as she scraped the bowl and then put it in the sink.

  "Warm. I think we skipped right over spring and headed for summer." Alana looked at the assortment of bowls on the counter. "What can I do to help?"

  "Can you peel the eggs for the potato salad? Daniel's going to try to come home a little early today to help with the barbecue. I'm doing up some steaks and some chicken breasts."

  Alana took the bowl of eggs Beth handed her and sat down on the either side of the counter to peel them. "Are you expecting company?"

  Beth nodded. "Daniel's family is coming. And so is Justin."

  Alana's heart skipped a beat when Beth said his name. "Sounds like a party."

  "Yeah. We're celebrating using the barbecue for the first time this year," Beth said with a grin.

  Not long after Caden reappeared, noises came over the baby monitor and Beth went to get Genevieve up from her nap. The two little kids settled on the floor to play while Alana continued to help Beth with dinner prep. When everything seemed ready except for the meat that Daniel would barbecue, Alana excused herself to go downstairs to freshen up.

  Alana took a quick shower to wash off the sweat from the time at the park then she stood in front of the closet trying to decide what to wear. It shouldn't matter. She wasn't trying to impress anyone, but at the same time, there was a part of her that wanted to look nice when Justin saw her.

  But why? She let out a long sigh and briefly pressed her fingertips against her eyelids.

  She eyed the handful of short sleeve blouses that had been part of the wardrobe the ladies had purchased for her. Slowly, Alana stretched her arms out, turning them so her hands were palm up. She didn't spend much time looking at her scars. They weren't as visible as they'd once been, but she'd never be completely free of them.

  At one time, they had symbolized fear and pain. Now looking at them, they still brought back the memories of how she'd gotten them. But the fact they were healed and fading proved her body was strong and that she was a survivor.

  She ran her fingers over the scars on her left arm. The bumps and ridges were still there, but they no longer hurt to touch. There was no need to keep hiding them. Her arms lowered to her side as Alana realized that even after she felt safe from Craig, she'd never stopped hiding. She'd hidden where she lived from people like Beth and Daniel. Hidden what her family had done to her. Hidden her true identity though she knew Craig would never come after them. Hidden her scars. Hidden what they had survived. It wasn't about fear, she realized as her stomach clenched. It was about shame. And, as Beth had pointed out, not feeling worthy.

  Alana stared at her feet, curling her toes into the soft depth of the carpet. She was ashamed of the decisions she'd made that had resulted in where they'd ended up. Ashamed of believing a guy who told her he'd make sure she didn't get pregnant. Ashamed of not being good enough for her family to love and support her. Ashamed of having stayed so long with a man who spent every day tearing her down. And despite her statement to Justin the week before, she was ashamed that she hadn't been able to provide a better home for Caden.

  So much shame.

  She took several steps back and when the mattress butted up against her legs, Alana sank down on her bed. The weight of her revelation pressed heavily on her. What did she do now? She hadn't been strong, she'd been desperate to escape not just the abuse heaped on her by Craig, but the shame of her life.

  Keeping people at a distance had worked until Beth had butted up against her walls relentlessly, forcing them to cave and allow her, Genevieve and Daniel into her heart and her life. And Justin had followed, bringing with him his friends. They'd swept her along into friendships before she'd even realized what was happening. And now she was struggling to hide her shame when she had no walls left.

  God, help me.

  She remembered all the sermons she’d heard over the past couple of years that had focused on the type of life God wanted Christians to live. Not a life of shame for sins already forgiven. Nor a life of shame for the ugliness that she’d lived through.

  About six months ago she remembered being filled with a longing in her soul following a message at church. It had been taken from Isaiah 61 and had impacted her enough that she’d gone home to memorize the first three verses of that chapter. Shortly after she’d become a Christian, the woman who had shared the Gospel with Alana encouraged her to memorize verses from the Bible. If they were especially meaningful, she told her to commit them to memory.

  The woman had gone on to explain how sometimes a person was in need of the comfort of Scriptures but didn’t have the ability to read it at that moment. Alana had known what she meant. She’d experienced plenty of times when she would have longed for the comforting words but had no access to a Bible. So she’d memorized anything that t
ouched or moved her.

  The verses in Isaiah 61 had filled her with a longing she couldn’t really explain. Maybe it had been the desire to trade all the ugliness in her life for beauty. Beauty for ashes. The oil of joy for mourning. The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.

  But she hadn’t truly understood what that meant until right then. As if God had known she needed to truly grasp what that beauty would be in her life. Not a life without scars, but a life free from the bondage they’d kept her in.

  She wanted to be strong enough to show her scars. To tell people where they came from and then not care if they turned away from her. She'd shown them to Justin and he hadn't turned away...at least she didn't think they were the reason he'd backed off. Maybe he'd discovered, like her family and Craig had, that she just wasn't worth...

  Instead of your shame you shall have double honor.

  Another part of a verse from Isaiah 61 flashed into her mind and helped to steer her thoughts from a path that was sure to leave her in tears. Alana curled her fingers into the palms of her hands and stood up. Resolving to embrace a life of beauty, joy and praise, she returned to the closet and dragged a blouse off its hanger and slid it over her head.

  It was made of a pale green, lightweight material with a peasant neckline and loose sleeves that ended at her elbows. It was gathered just under her bust and fell to her hips in waves. After some debate, she grabbed a pair of jean capris from the dresser and pulled them on. They were just clothes with no spiritual significance, but given her state of mind, they represented the freedom she sought from the shame that had held her soul captive for so long.

  She was a bit surprised to see how well they fit. Usually, her clothes hung on her a bit, but it was clear she'd gained some weight while eating Beth's great cooking.

  Once she was dressed, she went back to the bathroom. Rather than braiding her hair, she worked it into a high ponytail then added a bit of makeup. Once again, just going for a bit of eye shadow and mascara to accent her eyes. She stood in front of the full-length mirror and took in her appearance. It was the most skin she had showed to strangers in forever, but it was time.