Does it Hurt to Die

by Anderson, Paul G

  ‘Clever boy,’ she mocked, and tried to look haughtily indifferent to his feigned despondency.

  He leaned through the car window to kiss her goodbye and found her staring ahead and ignoring him.

  ‘Issy,’ he called gently.

  ‘No, not until tonight.’ She suddenly turned, laughed and blew him a kiss. She then revved the car and drove around the driveway, laughing softly as she went. Christian stood for a while in front of Mike’s steps. Quietness descended after the automatic steel gates had closed. He turned and walked up the front steps, remembering that Mike and Sian had gone away for the weekend and it was the maid’s weekend off. He walked inside and switched the security alarm off. On the kitchen bench were instructions from Mike and Sian on eating and their contact number at Hermanus.

  As he read their note, he reflected on how far he had travelled on this journey of discovery about his father. Although he thought he felt better about his father’s memory, part of him would not let him reconcile the fact that his father, the wonderful caring surgeon, could have done some of things that he had. His thoughts then wandered to Issy. How quickly she had become part of his life. Now when he woke up in the mornings he thought about her, and as he opened his eyes, he could almost see her black curls bouncing, her smile and the twinkle in her eye. It was almost as though they were destined to meet and for her to go on this journey of discovery with him. He was starting to feel like she belonged with him. How was it possible, he wondered, to feel such an intense emotion when they had not even made love? He rushed upstairs taking two at a time and threw off his clothes as he turned on the shower.

  Showered and changed with a touch of Mike’s aftershave, he heard the front door chime. Listening as he walked down the stairs, the sound was different from its usual chime. It was as though it was struggling to chime fast enough. He considered the thought absurd that a front door chime could react to Isabella and that most probably it was the batteries becoming flat. He smiled to himself at the thought that she could have a similar effect on the door chime as she had with him. As he opened the door, the evening light pushed into the hallway, silhouetting her beautiful shape. Perhaps the batteries were not flat, he considered for a fleeting second. The impact of her silhouette was followed very quickly by the smell of her perfume. Then he noticed the ends of her black curls still wet from a shower, refracting the evening light, creating a further surreal effect. With his sense of sight and smell assailed, he stepped back and gathered his breath.

  ‘Well, aren’t you asking me in, or does a girl have to stand here all night?’ she said as she playfully pushed him back inside with her hand on his chest.

  Christian regained a little of his composure. ‘You look absolutely stunning, Issy,’ he said, as he completed the surveillance.

  Pushing past him, she half walked half glided down the hallway. Her skirt was short and pleated and flowed around her body. When she was opposite the lounge entrance, she pirouetted for him. Her skirt rose and flared a little. Christian felt his heart race; the junction of her thigh and buttock was beautifully outlined, the muscled straightness of her thigh meeting a perfect curve, a glimpse which for a second was an aeon, and then gone. He looked at her, the twinkling eyes and mischievous smile signalling that she was not only aware of the effect she was having but that she was also delighted at its impact on him. As she finished her pirouette and stood facing him, Christian took in the effect of the white V-necked top cropped high on the shoulder contrasting with the black pleated skirt and black strapless shoes; a complete vision.

  ‘Speechless is good, Christian, but I also love the way you think and speak.’

  ‘Issy, I’m just stunned.’

  ‘You men are such visual creatures. What about the beauty beneath?’

  ‘Isn’t it a bit early for that?’ he replied, having regained his composure and keen to interact with her again.

  Isabella stood and faced him, smiling seditiously now. Christian waited for the riposte, wondering whether she was going to raise their banter to a new level of intimacy.

  ‘Christian,’ she replied, deliberately having made him wait just a little bit longer than usual. ‘The beauty that I was talking about resides within.’ She fixed him with her gaze daring him to raise the intimacy stakes.

  ‘Mmmm, now there’s a risqué thought.’

  ‘Christian,’ she mock admonished him.

  ‘Sorry, Issy, you look so beautiful tonight, it’s impossible not to…’

  Isabella cut in before he had finished. ‘Impossible not to what?’

  ‘You know. What it would be like to be together,’ he half stammered from a defensive pose, concerned whether his insinuation about intimacy was too forward.

  ‘You know,’ said Isabella, ‘guys are all the same. Why is it that they have so much trouble talking about their feelings?’

  Although she had not become serious, the mood had changed slightly.

  ‘OK, here’s how it goes,’ she said, moving closer to him. ‘You’re the most gorgeous guy that I’ve met. I think making love with you would be one of the most exquisite things we could do together, but it’s what’s inside that makes you most attractive.’

  Christian laughed, partly relieved that he had not overstepped the mark, before he slapped her playfully on the bum.

  ‘But,’ he added, looking at her. ‘There’s always a “but”.’

  ‘If we continue talking like this, we’re going to be late for my mother’s and she’ll definitely know what we’ve been up to—later, my darling Aussie hunk. Just think, we can spend all supper thinking about what our first time is going to be like together!’

  ‘If your mother is as instinctive as you say, then we’ll need to be very discreet to not give away our intentions.’

  ‘I’m sure Aussies can do discreet when the occasion demands,’ Isabella added, with a knowing smile.

  He pushed her hair gently back and kissed her and was surprised by all the feelings of happiness, passion and joy that it produced.

  ‘Come on then, we’ll be late for your mother,’ he said as he broke away from her grasp and they hurried towards the front door where he keyed in the security code.

  Nadine had prepared Osso Bucco, the veal marinated beautifully in wine and the sauce, exquisite. As delicious as the food was, Christian struggled to not keep looking at Isabella. She seemed so alive, more so than at any other time. Fortunately, the conversation was funny, which was distracting, although Nadine seemed more preoccupied than he had previously noticed.

  ‘Have you spoken to your mother, Christian?’ Nadine asked.

  ‘Only yesterday,’ said Christian, hesitating and momentarily distracted as he felt Isabella caress his foot with hers.

  ‘What was your mother’s news?’

  ‘Oh, everything is much the same in Australia. She’s working very hard, but she sends her regards to everyone, and could I please send her a photo of you all.’

  ‘I’m sure we could,’ said Nadine.

  ‘In fact we have one with Mike and Sian also in it.’

  ‘She’d really like that, I’m sure,’ said Christian.

  ‘Not your favourite pastime, writing e-mails?’ Nadine inquired cheekily. ‘You might have to improve then when you go back if you’re going to keep in touch with my daughter.’

  ‘Mum,’ Isabella interrupted, ‘Christian can Skype or phone.’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ said Nadine. ‘What high-paying job will he have that will allow him to call you every five minutes?’

  Isabella laughed. ‘Mum, Skyping is free.’

  ‘Well, that’s good to hear. You’re both very young, and remember that you live in different countries, so perhaps it’s best just to keep this at a friendship level.’

  ‘Mum, don’t worry. We’re old enough and smart enough to understand all those things.’

  Nadine interrupted, changing tact. ‘Issy, get that photo, so the poor boy has no excuse not to write to his mother again.’

  When Isab
ella returned with the photo, she kissed Christian on the ear as she gave it to him. ‘A kiss on the ear means inseparability for a year,’ she whispered.

  At the same moment Nadine looked over from the kitchen, the glance of disapproval neither had noted before. It reminded Christian a little of his mother’s reaction when he had told her about Isabella. Perhaps there was something else he was about to find out, since it had been one of those days.

  ‘So, now you have a photo to go with the e-mail. Mothers love photos,’ Isabella mockingly chided.

  ‘C’mon, mate,’ she said, in her interpretation of an Aussie accent. ‘Time to go.’

  Christian’s protest about helping with the dishes was overwhelmed by Nadine insisting that guests were allowed no such privilege. By this time, Isabella had Christian on his feet, and Nadine let them out through the front door.

  ‘Mum, I’m going to stay at Mike and Sian’s tonight, rather than drive back by myself.’

  ‘That’s fine, sweetie. I’d much rather you do that than drive by yourself late at night. Say hi to Mike and Sian.’

  Christian thought the drive back seemed quicker than previous trips, and the security lighting was on as they drove in through the gates.

  ‘Coffee?’ asked Christian as they pulled into the garage and the security door closed behind them.

  ‘No port?’ teased Isabella.

  Christian laughed. ‘We’ll have to see what they have.’

  As he looked for Mike’s seventeen-year-old Stellenberg port, he heard Isabella activate the CD player. The soft tones of Diana Krall drifted into the room. He went to pick up the port and glasses when Isabella spoke.

  ‘Dance with me, Christian.’

  Not so much a request as a longing, he thought. Christian turned to meet her as she took his hand. He kissed her forehead as she moved with him, her body gently touching his. Moving slowly in time to the music, he marvelled at the way she felt so natural in his arms. Her perfume seemed stronger this evening, or perhaps it was just her closeness. He kissed her hair as they slowly danced and he inhaled the intoxicating mix of her perfume and shampoo. Dancing as close as they were, Christian could feel her whole body move with his as they danced. He held her tighter and the memory of all that had happened that day receded. Just as he thought it was a moment that should last forever, Isabella looked up at him and kissed him. As she looked up into his eyes, he saw the desire to be closer. He stopped dancing, picked her up in both arms and carried her up the stairs.

  Christian was the first to awake, the sound of the birds outside preceding the light. He turned over and looked at Isabella, her dark curls encircling the most beautiful face he had seen. He reached across and gently pulled her hair back. He moved the sheet off her shoulder so that he could see her back. Stretching down into the sheets, he traced it lightly with his finger. It was as beautiful as the rest of her body. He moved across the bed and slid his arm around her naked waist, pulling himself into her back. It was, he thought, a perfect fit.

  Isabella stirred and then murmured, ‘Mmmm, does this mean you want more?’

  ‘Issy, last night was the most wonderful experience I’ve ever had. I’ve never made love to anyone like that before.’

  ‘It was the most wonderful experience for me as well.’

  As they lay there smiling at each other, in both wonderment and delight, Christian heard the phone ringing in Mike’s room.

  ‘It’s Nadine,’ he called as he returned. ‘She wants to speak with you.’

  When Isabella returned five minutes later, her joyfulness had gone.

  ‘What’s the matter?’

  ‘She’s angry because I didn’t tell her that Mike and Sian had gone to Hermanus. She thinks that I betrayed her by not telling her last night. She’d like to talk to us.’

  ‘I thought she approved of me?’

  ‘She does, but for some reason she’s repeatedly warned me that we should only be friends.’

  ‘OK, well we are—we’re just friends, just a little closer than most,’ Christian said, trying to lighten the mood. ‘Maybe she wanted us to wait until we knew each other better.’

  ‘Maybe, or it could be just the trust thing that has upset her. We’ve always been very close and my letting her think that Mike and Sian were here will be seen as a betrayal of that trust. Let’s get dressed and go and see her. Just be prepared; she can be quite harsh when she’s upset.’

  ‘Come on in, you two,’ called Nadine as they unlocked the front door. The coffee is made. I’ll be with you in a minute.’

  They followed the rich coffee aroma into the kitchen. As Isabella arranged the cups Christian grabbed her playfully from behind, spun her around and kissed her firmly on the mouth.

  ‘What was that for?’

  ‘Two things: one to let you know that last night was wonderful and something I want to do with you again; and second, whatever it is Nadine wants to discuss with us, we’re in this together.’

  She grabbed him by the shirt collar and kissed him gently on the lips and said, ‘I love you too, you big Aussie hunk.’

  A small cough made them aware that Nadine had quietly entered the kitchen.

  Isabella thought she would pre-empt her talk with an apology. ‘Mum, I’m sorry about last night.’

  ‘Bring the coffee to the table and sit down, please. Isabella,’ Nadine said, looking anxiously at her daughter, ‘I’m obviously cross about last night, but it’s not about the fact that you didn’t directly tell me that Mike and Sian were away. Of course, I’m concerned about that, although it’s not of prime importance. I’m going to tell you something I should have told you before now but your relationship has moved faster than I suspected. I observed this relationship developing between you and Christian and it seemed so perfect that it didn’t seem right to initially interfere. There’s no easy way of saying this and it needs to be said before it’s too late, and I’m hoping that it’s not too late.’

  Nadine hesitated and Isabella moved to put her arm around her mother. Nadine removed her arm and told her to sit next to Christian.

  Isabella had not seen her mother look so serious or concerned before.

  ‘Isabella, I’ve never told you who your father was. You’d often asked, but I told you no useful purpose would be served, as he was dead. I also wanted to hide his identity from you because of the shame I felt and my fear of how you might react. That was selfish, and you had a right to know, but I didn’t want to take the risk of anything affecting our relationship. Because I haven’t told you, it may do just that. I had a brief affair with Christian’s father.’

  ‘What?’ said Isabella. ‘You mean we may be brother and sister?’ She stared at her mother; the full impact of what she had been told slowly penetrating.

  ‘No, it can’t be true,’ she cried, putting her head in her hands and sobbing uncontrollably.

  ‘Christian, no one knows he’s Isabella’s father, and I denied it to everyone, including your mother. Your father was doing such wonderful work that I didn’t want to complicate his life. I’d always wanted a child and my partner at the time, another doctor in the hospital, had had a vasectomy. He obviously realised it couldn’t be his child and left me. Therefore, in a way, I was thrilled to be pregnant. I knew also that your father still loved your mother and that we couldn’t have a life together in apartheid Africa, even if he didn’t. Then, when he was killed, I thought the secret would be safe.’

  Christian sensed how incredibly difficult it was for Nadine to tell her daughter of her relationship. ‘You must have loved him very much,’ he said.

  She nodded, the tears now rolling down her cheeks.

  ‘What are we going to do?’ whispered Isabella, looking desperately at Christian. ‘What are we going to do?’

  Christian saw how devastated Isabella was, her eyes pleading with him to make this alright, to return their love to where it belonged, and to remove this contagion from their pristine love. He knew that nothing he could say would help—not that the
re weren’t some half brothers and sisters previously who had loved each other. No solution could deal with the contamination that they both now felt. He moved towards her, but she pushed him away.

  ‘Why, why did you have to do that?’ she angrily demanded from Nadine. ‘Why couldn’t you have chosen an unmarried man?’

  Christian had not seen her so distraught. He searched desperately for the right thing to say, but nothing came.

  ‘Christian, why don’t you leave us for a while. I’ll get Isabella to call you later.’

  Isabella nodded without looking at him.

  Chapter 29

  Christian closed the door of the BMW and sat for a while. He did not want to leave. He looked up at the house, trying to will Isabella to come to the window and beckon him back. If he had not come back to South Africa to try to find out more about his father, this would never have happened. Now, not only had he not discovered what his father was involved with, but he had potentially ruined the life of someone he had started to love. About to open the door of the car to go back and ask for the security gate to be opened he saw Nadine at the window. She didn’t look down but pointed the remote control directly at the gate, which he then heard opening. She wanted him to leave. He drove slowly towards the gate wondering whether he would ever return, or after tonight whether he would ever want to return.

  On the drive back to Mike and Sian’s, he tried to rationalise the feeling that now existed. Isabella was his half-sister whom he had now made love to. The relationship was now contaminated in a way that made the experience seem unlawful and perverted. Feeling more despondent than he had in quite some time, he hardly noticed as he approached Mike and Sian’s front gate that it was wide open. They were not expected back from Hermanus for another two days, and even if they were early, he could not remember them ever leaving the gate open. He drove in through the gates and immediately sensed that something was not as it should be. The front door too was wide open and all the lights in the house were on. He parked in front of the driveway, remembering Mike’s words that it was often your intuition that saved you in South Africa. His intuition was, despite Nadine’s confrontation, shouting at him to be careful.