by Leddy Harper
So I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t know what to do. I was too stunned to tell the doctors. All I could do was answer their questions the best way I could without letting them assume I may have been pregnant. I even told them I had started my period when I should have. I lied. That was the beginning of it. Then I lied to Jeri when she asked if I had been feeling better. I didn’t want her to take me back to the doctors. I lied to Link. I inadvertently lied to him when I smoked with him, then lied again when I made excuses as to why I didn’t want to anymore. More importantly, I lied to myself.
The lie I told myself was that I just wanted the baby and the pregnancy to go away. I searched for abortion clinics I could visit without Jeri ever knowing. I looked up things to do, and things to take to make my body abort it naturally. I even read a few things about girls using coat hangers, but that just truly made me sick. No matter how desperate I was, I could never do that.
One of the things I read was eating deli meats and cheeses. Something about a bacteria that attacks fetuses, and is a big contributor to a lot of miscarriages. Another thing was Aspirin. I had envisioned a day of nothing but eating bacteria infected food and swallowing medicine that would thin my blood out enough. Then I cried. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t because I was lying to myself. No matter how much I didn’t want to be pregnant, I didn’t want to be the one to kill it even more. It was a life, and I was not a killer. The only option I had at that point was to go get an abortion. I even made an appointment. But before I could go, I saw blood on the toilet paper, and realized I had been lying to myself more than I thought. I didn’t want to kill my baby, by my hands or someone else’s.
I thought by not having the baby would prove I wasn’t my mother. But as I laid on the cold tile floor and hearing the echoes of my erratic sobbing, I knew the only way to prove that was to be the best mom I could. I put my hands in front of my face and prayed. I prayed to a God I had never spoken to before, one I hadn’t ever believed in before. But if he was real, this was the time to believe.
I pulled myself up from the floor, with an overwhelming sense of content, and went to the kitchen where I found Jeri. She took one look at me and knew something was amiss. I had never been so scared in my life to tell someone something. But I knew I had to. I had to tell her because I needed her help. I needed her to make everything better. I was going to do the right thing for me and for my baby. But most of all, for my baby.
Jeri rushed me to the hospital as soon as I told her. I didn’t go into many details with her, except that I was pregnant and bleeding. I could tell she wanted to ask me questions, but held them in until we had some answers about the baby.
While we were waiting for the ultrasound tech to come into the room, she finally spoke. Her voice was hoarse as she asked, “Do I even want to know whose baby it is?”
“Link’s,” I said without even thinking. I don’t know why I lied, but I felt I had to. My heart was clenched tight, like someone reached into my chest and grabbed it in a tight fist. His name came out strangled, full of fear, but without thought. I hadn’t planned on saying it was Link’s baby, but I didn’t once regret it either.
She sighed audibly. I could tell it was a relief to know it wasn’t Billy’s. I hadn’t thought far enough ahead as to what would happen when the truth finally came out, but I just couldn’t hurt her at that moment. Something inside of me kept me from causing her any more pain. Maybe it was my baby, maybe it was my conscience—whatever it was, I just couldn’t do it.
“I didn’t want this for you, Danielle. I didn’t want you to follow in the same footsteps as your mother. You deserve so much better than this. You deserve to have a life and live it.”
I wanted to tell her that I wouldn’t be in this situation had she not brought me back here, but the words died on my tongue at the sight of her tears. The fact that she called me by my given name didn’t go unnoticed either. It didn’t make me angry as it had before. It actually softened my heart. It felt right and I couldn’t explain it. I just pretended like she didn’t say it, not wanting to delve into the feelings it elicited from me.
“I’m nothing like my mother. It’s not like I’ve had a normal life, anyway. I won’t ever do to my child what she did to me. Ever. I’ll admit, at first I didn’t want it, and had even hoped I’d lose it. But no matter what I did, I just didn’t have the strength to do anything to harm it. It’s my baby. I know for sure now that I want this baby. I’ll do whatever I have to in order to keep it safe. To make sure it knows I love it and that it feels it to its core. I am not my mother, and Link is not my father.”
She nodded and looked at her hands in her lap. She was twisting her fingers together and I realized I was doing the same. Nature versus nurture… it always comes back to nature. No matter how hard we fight it, it will never change. It’s who we are. It’s where we came from. Even if we didn’t live with it, it was there, running through our veins and pumping through our hearts. It was the thing that kept us alive. But I’d prove one thing wrong. I would break the cycle. I would never put my baby in harm’s way. I would never be my mother. I would prove nurture played a part, and raise my baby the way John raised me.
The tech came into the room and got started right away.
I was full of relief when she told us the baby looked healthy, and that the bleeding was normal. She said it could’ve been hormonal, but to keep an eye on it. She printed out a black and white picture for me to keep. You couldn’t tell it was a baby, but I knew.
“We need to have a family dinner tonight. Us and the Hunts. There’s a lot that needs to be discussed and I think it would be beneficial if we all came together in this. You two will need all the support you can get,” Jeri said as soon as we were back in the car. She seemed a lot calmer since we spoke in the room. Maybe it was our talk; maybe it was knowing the baby was okay–whatever it was, I was happy to see she wasn’t as upset anymore.
“I actually haven’t told Link yet. I would like to talk to him first.”
“Of course, honey. Just make sure they know we’re all going to get together tonight.”
I agreed and rode the rest of the way home looking at my baby’s first picture.
Link was worried when I said I had to talk to him. He wanted to meet me at my house, but I adamantly told him no. It had to be done at his house. I couldn’t chance Jeri overhearing our conversation.
“I’m pregnant,” I told him as soon as we were in his room.
His eyes nearly bugged out of his head. I didn’t know how else to say it, so I told him much like I had with Jeri. I just blurted it out. Like ripping a Band-Aid off.
“Before you say anything, let me explain. It’s obviously Billy’s, but he doesn’t know yet. I had a scare this morning and Jeri took me to the hospital. Everything is fine, but it was enough of a scare for me to know I want this baby.”
“What did Jeri say?” His voice was soft and timid, like he was worried for me.
“She was upset, I won’t lie. But I think she’ll be fine. She wants you and your parents to come over tonight to talk.” I saw the confused look in his eyes. That was the part I was worried about telling him. Not so much me being pregnant, but telling him this. “I told her it was your baby.”
“You did what?” He was on his feet in seconds.
“I know, I know. I’m sorry. But I couldn’t tell her the truth. You should’ve seen her face when she asked me who the father was. It was like she was pleading with me to not say his name. You’re the only other person I talk to. I couldn’t exactly tell her I had a one night stand with a stranger and don’t know who he is.”
“What the hell, Kendall?” He was mad. I couldn’t blame him.
“Just listen to me for a second. The doctor told me I’m due March 8th. I’ll be gone long before then. I’m not asking you to raise this baby. I’m just asking that you pretend it’s yours for the sake of my family until I’m old enough to leave,” I begged. I didn’t know how he’d answer, but I prayed he’d agree.
Just before I told him to forget it, that I’d come clean, he looked at me. His dark blue eyes looked into mine like he was looking into my soul. Tears flooded my eyes and I couldn’t stop them. He came to me and wrapped his arms around me, comforting me just like he knew I needed.
“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry,” I cried into his shoulder.
He shushed me and ran a hand over my hair.
“What will I tell my parents when you leave? They’ll be devastated.”
“Tell them I lied to you, too. Tell them you thought it was yours but I told you it wasn’t.”
“Okay. I’ll do it under one condition. You have to tell Billy the truth now.”
I pulled away from him. “I’ve tried. He’s not answering my calls.”
He thought for a moment and then replied, “Use my phone.”
I didn’t want to. I was scared. But I knew I had to.
The line rang three times before I heard his voice. I couldn’t find my own voice when I tried to speak. He had to say “hello” again before I could finally talk, and even then, I didn’t sound like myself. I wanted to cry and felt a sob stuck in my throat.
“Hey, Billy.”
“Why are you calling me, Kendall?” He seemed irritated.
“I’ve been trying to call you for weeks. Why won’t you answer?”
He let out a huff of air. “I told you. We can’t talk anymore.”
I didn’t want to have that conversation with him. I knew it would hurt too much. I called for a reason and I needed to get on with it. I glanced at Link and saw him give me a smile of confidence. It was all I needed to say what I needed to say and get it over with.
“Billy, I’m pregnant.”
Silence.
“And it’s yours.”
“How?”
Well, that was a stupid question. “We had sex. I got pregnant. Not that difficult to figure out the how.”
“I thought you were on birth control?”
“When I came here I wasn’t given any. I never had a real prescription for it.”
“Fuck! Why didn’t you tell me that before we had sex?”
“It didn’t cross my mind.”
“Fuck!” he cursed again. “You can’t have this baby, Kendall.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It wasn’t what I had expected him to say. I didn’t really know what I was expecting from him, but it wasn’t that. “What is that supposed to mean, Billy? Why can’t I have this baby?”
“You just can’t. You have to get rid of it.”
Get rid of it? Was he delusional? That was never going to happen. I felt my walls crumble at the same time my anger began to surface. This was the man I was in love with. No, we had never talked about starting a family before, but we had also never talked about not having one. Hearing him tell me to get rid of it shattered me to my core. I would have cried had I not felt so angry. If he had been in front of me, I would have hit him and never stopped. I wanted him to hurt like he was hurting me.
“I’m not having an abortion. You can forget it. If you’re worried about getting in trouble, you don’t have to be. My family thinks the baby is someone else’s. No one will know until it’s too late. I’ll be long gone before they find out.”
“That’s not it.”
“Then what is it?” My anger had turned to desperation. I somehow still hoped he didn’t mean what he said, and this was the time for him to confess to me that he did want it. And he wanted me. I needed him to want us, to validate my feelings for him.
I heard a loud crash in the background and a hiss from him. I could only assume he punched something, probably a wall. It wouldn’t be the first time. “Think about someone else other than yourself for once.”
“I am!” I yelled. “I am thinking about this baby.”
“No, you’re not. If you were, you wouldn’t bring it into this world.”
“Well, I am. That’s all I’ve thought about. I don’t care what you say. I’m having this baby with or without you.” I knew getting my hopes up would only be devastating. I fell apart on the inside but kept up my strong persona on the outside. I didn’t want him to know how he was affecting me. I did, but I didn’t. I was still too proud to let him know that he had broken me with his words. The person that was saying this wasn’t my Billy. He wasn’t the guy that took care of me and loved me all those years. He was someone else, and I no longer recognized him.
“Just go have an abortion, Kendall. I’m telling you, it’s the best thing for the baby.”
“You think I’ll be a bad mom?” Tears stung my eyes and I had to sit.
“No,” he said in barely a whisper. “I think you’ll be a great mom. Just not now. Not with this kid. Just do it. Get the abortion and wait. One day you’ll find someone and have a baby with him. And things will be right, but not now. Just trust me. Not now. Not this baby. Not with me.”
I knew what he was doing. He was trying to push me away. I couldn’t argue with him. I just had to let him believe I was going along with what he was saying. He’d realize when the day came that I did the right thing. If not, at least I knew I did what was right. And one day, my baby would know that, too.
“I have to go, Billy.” I could barely get the words out over the tears. I was heartbroken. I was crushed. And I could no longer sit on the phone and listen to him tell me to kill my unborn child. Our unborn child. He was definitely not the man I had fallen in love with. My only hope was that he’d come around when the time was right.
I didn’t wait for him to say goodbye. My finger found the end button and pressed it without a second thought. I fell in a heap on the floor, finally letting my walls completely crumble. Link barely caught me. He was there for me, like Billy should’ve been. But Billy wasn’t there. Instead, the one who was there was the one that had been there for me for over a month. Every time I needed it, Link was there.
Our families didn’t get together that night since his parents weren’t home until late, but we all got together the following evening. It went better than I had planned. Link told me he talked to them beforehand, and told them the baby was his. I didn’t know what I had done in my life to deserve someone like Lincoln, but whatever it was, I was thankful.
Jeri explained how we needed everyone’s support since we were both so young. But at least we didn’t have high school to worry about. That was one thing Jeri did demand of me though, I had to finish my GED tests. Link’s parents also made their own demands. Link had to start college that fall. Even if they were just online classes, it didn’t matter. As long as he was doing something with himself.
Along with those stipulations, the Hunts said we could stay in their guest house, providing we got it cleaned up. And by “we,” they meant Link. They didn’t want me working too much since it could be harmful to the pregnancy. If only they knew I had gotten high a few times since knowing I was pregnant. But they’d never know that. I didn’t want anyone to know that.
They weren’t happy by any means, but they took it the best they could, showing us support and letting us know they’d be there for anything we needed. I hated knowing I was deceiving them all, and knowing I was making Link do the same.
After my talk with Billy, I was nervous how it would go. It’s funny, because I thought it would’ve been reversed. I thought our families would have tried talking us out of it, and Billy would have been the one to be supportive. I guess things don’t always work out like you think they will.
Once everyone said their peace, we ate dinner and talked as if we had these kinds of family dinners all the time. It made me picture a life with me, Link, the baby, and our families, coming arou
nd the dinner table and discussing our days. But I knew it would never be like that. Link would never raise a child that wasn’t his and I would never ask him to. Not to mention, I didn’t think I would ever be able to love him the way he deserved to be loved. He deserved the best, because he was the best. He needed someone that could give him their whole heart and love him completely. I couldn’t do that. I knew I couldn’t.
Link followed me to my room after dinner. I lay on my bed and stared at the ceiling. He did the same next to me. “I’m so sorry, Link. I know you didn’t want to do this. I hate that I’ve dragged you into it.”
He rolled on his side and looked at me. “Honestly? I didn’t until you talked to that douche bag. After what he said to you, I couldn’t say no. How can you love a man like that? Now, the only question is, what do you plan on doing?”
“I’m still gonna go there in December.”
“Why would you do that?” he asked as he shot up in bed, looking at me like I was crazy.
“It’s his baby, Link. He has a right. Maybe he’ll change his mind with time.”
He shook his head and laughed. Yeah, he thought I was crazy. “The guy just told you to have an abortion. He wants you to kill your child–his child. What makes you think he’ll change his mind? Huh? Nothing about that sounds like a man that wants a kid.”
“Maybe not now, but he might change his mind.”
“And then what will you do when he doesn’t. ‘Cause let’s face it, he won’t come around.”
“Are you trying to hurt me?” My eyes clouded with unshed tears. The hormones were making me cry all the time and I hated it. The littlest things could set me off. At that moment, it was Link’s harsh words that were reducing me to a puddle of salty tears.
“Of course I’m not trying to hurt you. I’d never want to do that. I’m just being realistic and trying to figure out what we’re doing. You did bring me into this, and I just need to know what’s going to happen.”
He had a point. “No matter what his decision is in the end, I would never expect you to hang around. I have caused this family enough problems and I don’t want to cause them any more pain. I still plan on leaving when I’m eighteen. If he doesn’t want us, then I’ll just do it on my own. I’m a big girl. I can handle it.”