by Leddy Harper
“You shouldn’t have to.”
I didn’t have anything to say to that. It made me think of so many things. Where would I go? What would I do? How would I support a baby all on my own? I didn’t have the answers to any of those questions. But I knew I had time to figure it all out. I also knew that I’d do anything I needed to in order to give my child a good life.
“Are you scared?” he asked, breaking the silence.
“Terrified,” I answered without looking at him.
“Don’t be. You’ll be a great mom to this baby.” He placed his hand on my flat stomach. It forced my pulse to pound in my ears and my breathing to grow shaky. I looked to him and noticed he was staring at his hand. I couldn’t read the expression on his face, but it was serious.
“You really think so? You don’t think I’m too young or immature or selfish?” Those were all the things I thought of myself. The things that made me doubt the kind of mother I’d be—the kind of person I’d be.
He shook his head and looked me straight in the eyes. “Yes. I think you’re all of those things. I also think you’re highly capable of adapting to change. You do what you need to in order to survive. And because of that, I believe you’re going to be just fine.”
And the waterworks started again. He pulled me to him and held me as I cried into his shirt. He held me until I fell asleep in his arms. Feeling secure with him scared me. I had only felt that way with two men. One was Billy, and the other was John. Both gave me security in different ways but, security nonetheless. Link also gave me hope—something I had never felt before. With everything Billy had made me feel, hope was never one of them.
Link started on the guesthouse the next day. He wouldn’t let me see it until it was done. I had no idea what the inside even looked like. I wasn’t allowed in. He said the paint and bleach fumes were too much for me. I was thankful I didn’t have to help clean it up, but I would have liked to at least see what the inside looked like. I was going crazy imagining it all. How big were the rooms? How big was the kitchen? How far away was the bedroom to the front door? They were non-important questions, but that didn’t stop me from thinking of them.
I didn’t see much of him for two weeks while he got the house ready for us. He did, however, make it to my first doctor’s appointment. I told him he didn’t have to go, but he insisted. He said it would look bad if he didn’t. It was, after all, supposed to be his kid. I agreed. We had to play the part. I just worried that at some point, we would stop playing and start believing. I didn’t want that. No matter how close I had been getting to Link, I still wanted and loved Billy.
I thought he’d be scared when we saw the tiny blob on the screen, but he wasn’t. He was in awe. I even caught him smiling when the sound was turned up and we heard the woosh woosh of the heartbeat. He even kept a picture and put it in his wallet. I should have known then, but I didn’t. I thought he was just playing the part. I think I was too emotional to see how it would’ve all played out. But I just smiled at his gesture and soaked it all in. Not foreseeing how reckless my lies had been.
The guesthouse was finally done. I couldn’t wait to see it, and Link couldn’t wait to show it to me. Both families came together to see the final product at once. He had been so proud of his hard work and wanted everyone to see it. The smile that was permanently on his face made my heart soar.
I should’ve known that walking through it at the same time as his parents and Jeri was a mistake. Everything was perfect. I didn’t have to fake my excitement when we walked in and I saw the small place. It was perfect for us.
The kitchen was smaller than I was used to. Smaller than the one I had at Billy’s house. But that didn’t matter. It had all the important things needed to make dinners for us. I did feel a twinge of pain knowing I’d be cooking for another man, and it almost made me feel like I was betraying Billy, but he was the one that made that decision, not me. I had to keep reminding myself of that.
The living room was small, too, but it fit two matching loveseats and a TV stand perfectly. I could tell the furniture was new and wondered who paid for it all. There was a tiny area just between the living room and kitchen that had a small round table, just enough room for two. Mrs. Hunt pointed out that a highchair would fit perfectly in the corner when it was time for the baby to eat dinner with us. I didn’t know how long that would be, but I figured it’d be a very long time away. I didn’t know how long she expected us to live in her guesthouse, but it didn’t seem like she was putting any time restraints on it.
Then there were the bedrooms. This was when I wished it had just been the two of us walking through the house together. I had so many questions, but I couldn’t ask any of them. It would give us away. The two rooms were side-by-side. The first one was empty, only a sonogram picture hung on the wall. I could tell the carpet was new, but there was no fresh paint like the rest of the house had. Link said it would be smart to wait until we knew what the baby was before painting it. I would have agreed if I had planned on staying long enough for the baby to sleep in there.
The next bedroom was ours. Neither room had a bathroom in it. The entire house shared a bathroom in the hallway. It was fine by me. It was what I was used to when I lived with Billy. The bedroom had a queen size bed in the middle of one wall and a dresser with a TV on it across from it. He painted the walls a cream color that matched the curtains and bedspread. I could tell he put a lot of thought into it and it made me feel sad.
I wanted to ask where we’d be sleeping, but didn’t think that was smart with his parents and Jeri being right there. I waited nervously until everyone left. I barely spoke unless spoken to, and twisted my fingers in front of me, anxiously waiting until it was just the two of us. I was so confused about everything, especially since he never discussed any of this with me. I had no idea we would be sharing a room. I just assumed we’d have our own beds to sleep in, since we weren’t together and never told anyone we were.
As soon as the door closed, I turned to him, trying to read the emotions on his face. I could tell he was just as nervous as I was. “So, do you like it?” he asked timidly.
I took in a deep breath before answering. “I think you did an amazing job with it, but I don’t like how there’s only one bed. I don’t understand, Link. Why is there only one bed? Where will the other one sleep?”
“And what would I say to my parents when they ask why we’re in different rooms?”
“Tell them the truth. We’re not together, Link. As far as they know, we had sex once and I got pregnant. That doesn’t constitute a relationship. Just because we supposedly slept together once doesn’t mean we’ll be doing it again.”
“My parents believe we are having a child together. They don’t see us as two friends coming together for the sake of the baby. They believe we should be together as a family, in every sense of the word.”
“They don’t expect us to get married, do they?”
“Eventually. But I told them I don’t want to marry you just because you’re pregnant. They agreed with me. That should buy us some time at least.”
“I just don’t understand why we need to have a baby’s room if the baby will never be here to sleep in it. What do you plan on doing, Link? Build a crib and paint the walls, knowing it’ll never be used? That seems like a waste of time and money.”
He suddenly turned serious and it made my heart stop. “I know you plan on leaving, but I just want you to know that if it doesn’t work out like you’re expecting, you always have a place here. And so does the baby. I would never make you do it alone.”
Then I cried… again. And again, he held me, making everything better and worse at the same time. I didn’t know how I was going to handle it. I didn’t know how I would get through the next four months and come out on the other side in one piece. I didn’t know how we’d get through it without one of us falling apart. I knew it would never work out that way. Someone was going to get hurt, and as much as I didn’t want it to be me, I didn’t want
it to be Link either.
That night was our first night in the house. He had gone and gotten all of my clothes from Jeri’s house and moved them into the closet and dressers and made it feel like home. He did the same with his own things, but still left a lot in his parents’ house. He had a lot of stuff, unlike me. Jeri was nice and had gotten me a few maternity clothes for when I needed it. I didn’t know when I’d need them since my body hadn’t changed much, except my breasts had gotten much bigger. I thanked her and took them anyway. It was a nice gesture on her part.
We lay in bed awkwardly. It wasn’t like we had never shared a bed before, but for some reason, this time was different. It felt strained and forced, not to mention, awkward and uncomfortable.
“When do you take your other two GED tests?” he asked, trying to start conversation.
I didn’t mind it. At least we weren’t still silently staring at the spinning ceiling fan. I had had enough of that. I welcomed any conversation by that point. “I should get my first set of results this week, and then we can schedule the rest of the tests. I’m not worried about it. I know I passed. Just can’t wait to get it all done and behind me. What about you? Have you given any thought to school?”
“Some. I really liked working on this house. I think I’d want to do it, but maybe in like a grander scheme. I am thinking of something in construction. My parents would love it if I followed in their footsteps, but I don’t think I can. I just can’t see myself in a suit. It’s not who I am.”
“I think you should do something you love. No matter what it is.”
“Yeah. Working on this place was the first time I’ve done something that I really liked to do. Other than smoke weed.” He laughed. I laughed, too; I thought it was funny. “But I can’t exactly make a living off getting high.”
“Speaking of weed… I don’t want to tell you what to do, but could you just not do it around me? It’s not that I regret having to give it up, I just don’t really want to be around it. But I won’t tell you to stop altogether. Just let me know when you’re going to smoke and I’ll just make sure I’m not around.”
“I have no intentions of smoking anymore.”
His confession caught me off guard. “No, you don’t have to stop altogether.”
“I want to. If you can’t smoke then I won’t do it either.”
“What about sex?” I don’t know why I asked that. I guess I just needed to get it all out in the air so there wouldn’t be any surprises later on down the road. The last thing I wanted was to walk inside and catch him in bed with someone. That thought made me realize we should probably set some rules. Like no sex in our bed. I didn’t want to be sleeping on that.
“What about it?”
“Well, surely you’re gonna want to get laid. I just think we should have some rules first. Like, maybe tell me beforehand so I can expect you to be gone and not worry about where you’re at. Oh, and not here. It would be too risky with our families, and to be honest with you, if we’re sharing this bed, I don’t want be laying in some other girl’s juices.”
He laughed, even though I wasn’t kidding. “Okay, so you want me to tell you every time I have sex? That seems a little weird.”
“Not every time. Just don’t leave me sitting here with dinner ready while you’re out doing your thing. Just give me a heads up if it’s at a time I’ll be expecting you. That’s all.”
“You don’t have to worry about that. I’ll be discreet.”
I don’t know why, but that bothered me. I knew he’d need to be taken care of in that way, but hearing him admit that he planned on it while living with me made me feel somewhat hollow inside. I had never been the type of girl that needed attention from the opposite sex. The only man’s attention I ever needed was Billy’s, which was why my feelings over Link having sex confused me. I blamed it on being hormonal.
“The same rules apply to you, too,” he said, bringing me out of my confused thoughts.
“You don’t have to worry about that.” I turned my back to him.
I felt him sit up next to me and lean over. “What does that mean?”
“It means you don’t have to worry about me having sex with anyone. It’s not going to happen. I only want Billy to touch me, and he is ignoring me right now. So I guess I will be pregnant and celibate.” I said it jokingly, although I wasn’t kidding. I wanted to lighten the mood since he turned it so serious, wondering why I wouldn’t be having sex.
“I think that’s a stupid idea. I don’t know why you’re waiting on that bastard. He’s certainly not waiting on you. He didn’t wait on you before you got pregnant, and he’s not waiting now. He told you he didn’t want you to come back. He told you he wanted you to kill your unborn child. What about that fucker makes you want to wait for him?”
“I love that fucker, thank you very much. You don’t know him. You’ve never met him. Don’t judge him, and don’t judge me,” I raised my voice, getting angry with him. “I will be going back to him, and I know he’ll change his mind. I know him. I’m not going to ruin that by sleeping with whomever just because I’m horny. I can take care of myself.”
I grabbed my pillow and the blanket from the end of the bed and stormed out of the room. Link called after me, following me to the couch. I threw the pillow onto the end of the couch and he picked it back up. I grabbed for it and we fought, each pulling on one side of it.
He finally won, gaining possession of the pillow. He put it on the other couch and lay down. “From now on, if anyone sleeps on the couch, it’ll be me. You’re pregnant. You get the bed. I won’t let you sleep out here. Now go to sleep.” He still sounded angry, maybe even a little lost. I felt horrible, but part of me didn’t care. I threw him the blanket and walked back to bed without uttering a single word.
Our first night together in our new house ended in a fight over sex and Link on the couch. I guess we could’ve passed as a real couple.
I went to see Dr. Montage the following morning. I was actually looking forward to seeing her. There was so much I wanted to talk about, and she seemed like the safest person to confide in. Not to mention, we had that doctor-patient confidentiality thing between us.
“So, you’ve had some big changes happen to you lately. How are you handling that?”
“It’s just too much sometimes.”
She stared at me and I knew it was coming. “And the baby’s father? How is that going?”
I didn’t have to ask her what she was talking about. She knew the truth. I don’t know how she knew, but she did. I couldn’t deny it either, the shock was written all over my face. Billy always told me my facial expressions gave me away when I was confronted with something I wasn’t expecting. And that, I didn’t expect.
“He told me to have an abortion,” I whispered. I didn’t want to say it out loud.
She nodded silently, just waiting for me to continue on my own.
“I don’t really know what I had expected him to say, but it wasn’t that. I’m thankful I have Link, and he’s willing to help me out, but I think it’s just made it more complicated. I thought we’d just tell everyone we were having a baby together and life would move on like it had been. I wasn’t expecting for us to move in together and pretend we’re in this relationship. I don’t want that. I care about him, but I’m afraid one of us is going to get hurt in the end.”
“Who do you think will get hurt?”
“Link,” I answered truthfully.
She nodded again. “You don’t have any romantic feelings for him?”
“No. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. It will always be Billy.”
“About Billy, have you gotten all the answers you needed from him?”
“I don’t even know. Everything is such a cluster-fuck.” I almost apologized for my language but decided against it when she smiled at me, letting me know it was okay. “I found out things about my mom from one of her old friends. Things my family kept from me. What I learned kinda scares me now, because I see how much
like her I really am. Statistics show that daughters of teen mothers have a higher chance of getting pregnant in their teens. I never knew my mother, how did I fall into that statistic?” I felt the tears let loose.
“I don’t think it has too much to do with that. Yes, those statistics are real, but I wouldn’t say that applies to you. Maybe you’re just trying to find some kind of connection with your mother, and that’s how you’re reaching it.”
“I don’t have to reach very far. I wasn’t a saint by any means—I’m still not. I partied, did drugs, drank rather often, and so did she. I’m sure my family would say Billy is just like my father. My mom and I were both raised by loving people, yet still chose to live the carefree lifestyle. We chased it. We craved it. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still want to live that life.”
“And her outcome is overshadowing your future,” she stated, not asked.
“I don’t want this town to still be talking about me in fifteen years, saying how I was trash. I don’t want my legacy to only be carried on through people too scared to tell the truth. I want to do something good, be something good. I want my child to know me and not be scared to grow up like me.”
“You can still have that.”
“I also want it to know its father. I don’t know mine. I don’t know anything about him except that he was trouble and took my mother down with him. I don’t want that for my kid. I want him or her to know Billy, and love him like I loved John. I can’t have it both ways. If I make that happen, people will be saying everything they do about my mom, but about me. I’d be labeled the girl that fell for the troublemaker and ruined her life.”
“What does it matter what the people around here say?”
I shrugged my shoulders. For some unknown reason, it mattered.