by Leddy Harper
“Come on, let’s put your things away.” He let go of me and stood up to head back into the room. He started grabbing clothes from the box and began throwing them back into the dresser drawers. He didn’t bother folding them before stuffing them away.
“Why do you still want me here?” I asked, standing in the closet doorway.
He turned and looked at me. I could see the bedroom lamp reflect off his glossy eyes. There were no tears streaming down his face, but I could see them in his eyes. It was the most emotional I had ever seen him and it made my heart ache. It made me feel like the worst human being to have ever walked the earth. That was until he answered me.
“Because, as much as you want me to love you, I want you to love me, too.”
Every emotion I had felt since walking into the room that night had been amplified by his words. I was angrier than ever, only this time, I was angry with myself. I hurt this guy, and he never deserved any of it. He was the best person that could’ve ever lived and I hurt him. I didn’t deserve him.
I was sad. Not just sad; I felt pure sorrow. He deserved the best kind of love, and that was something I didn’t believe I could give him. I knew the kind of love I had with Billy, and that wasn’t enough for Link. He deserved more, and I didn’t believe I could give him that. I didn’t think I was capable of that. And the thought alone made me feel so sorrowful.
And I felt lust. Just hearing him tell me that after all I had done to him, after all I had put him through, he still wanted me to love him. I felt a deep yearning to be with him in ways we’ve been denying each other for an eternity already. I didn’t want to wait anymore. I needed to be with him, in ways that were only meant for lovers.
I ran to him, launching myself in his un-expecting arms. My lips found his despite my lack of vision due to the flow of tears that were filling my eyes. It took less than a second for his lips to respond to mine, for his tongue to find mine, and for his arms to hold me. It was the most calming feeling in the world to be in his arms again after believing they wouldn’t be there for me anymore. I fell backward onto the bed and pulled him with me. We moved to the top until I was nestled in between our pillows. His scent on his pillow enveloped me along with the scent of his body around me. It was more than I could take and began to tug at his boxers.
He pulled away from me, breathless. “What are you doing?”
“I need to be with you. Right now.”
“Don’t you think that’s a little fast after our argument?”
“No. I need to be with you,” I pleaded and saw his face soften. I knew he was giving in.
He kissed me again, letting me strip the only clothing he was wearing until he was naked in front of me. I couldn’t see him, but I could feel his erection against my thigh as he pressed it onto me. All I could think about was what he looked like when I walked in on him earlier. He was considerably larger than anyone I had ever been with before. The thought of it scared and excited me at the same time.
He moved down my neck until he was kissing my collarbone. Once my shirt was stripped off me, he removed my bra and continued to kiss his way down my body until he reached my shorts. He slowly and carefully removed them, then my underwear, until I was just as naked as he was. I could tell by the way he was taking me in that he was feeling the exact same way I was. Scared and timid, nervous and careful, excited and eager.
I grabbed two fistfuls of his hair just as his head began to dip between my legs. I pulled him up and he looked at me with confusion in his eyes. “I don’t want that tonight. I just want you inside of me. I just want to feel you in me. I need you to be so deep in me I don’t know where you end and I begin. And I need that now. I don’t need you to get me ready, I already am.”
His gaze flickered to the side of my face. “I don’t have a condom.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m already pregnant.”
When he finally looked back at me, I could tell he wasn’t worried about that consequence of sex. And that made me feel insecure. No one had ever looked at me like that before. With the eyes of someone worried of catching a disease. Like I was a whore that was dirty and passed around venereal diseases.
“I was tested. I’m clean,” I shyly admitted, feeling awkward and uncomfortable.
“But you’ve been with him since you’ve gotten here, and he’s been with other women since you left. It’s not you that I worry about. It’s him. I don’t trust him, nor do I know what his circle of girls are like. You can never be too sure.”
“I was tested when I found out I was pregnant. They said it was procedure. I haven’t been with anyone since then.” I wanted to give up. To tell him never mind and cover myself. I didn’t want to have that conversation with him, nor did I want to see him look at me that way ever again. But his audible sigh kept me from giving up.
He moved over me and kissed me like I had never been kissed before. It was full of longing and want. It was hungry and desperate. My legs wrapped around him out of instinct and I never wanted to let him go. I couldn’t be angry for his thoughts and worry. But it did put me at some ease. I knew if he was that cautious with me, I’m sure he had always been that way with the other partners he’d had. It made me want to question him and the choices he made before me, but I couldn’t find the strength to stop what we had started in order to ask.
I felt his tip at my entrance and I sucked in a breath of air. I held it until my lungs burned, only exhaling once he began to press into me. It had been a while since I had been intimate with someone, and never had it been with someone as big as he was. It had taken some time before I was comfortable with his size. He had to slowly inch his way in, watching my face the entire time until I had consumed all of him. Once he filled me to the hilt, he stilled and waited.
“Are you okay? You’re kind of choking me,” he said with a sexy chuckle.
I moved my arms from his neck.
“No, not my throat.”
I suddenly realized what he was saying and forced myself to relax around him. I felt my muscles loosen and it was enough for him to start moving again, slowing moving in and out of me.
The way he felt was so different from Billy. I hated thinking of him while Link was inside of me, but I couldn’t help it. I was so used to being with Billy, so used to the way he moved and made me feel that I found myself overwhelmed. I was confused and didn’t know what that meant. Did I like what he was doing? Yes. But it wasn’t the same as Billy.
Once I felt myself grow accustomed to him, he began to thrust with more speed, but he was still slower than what I was used to. I tried to tilt my hips up, hinting for him to quicken his pace. But he didn’t. It was painstakingly slow. Torturous, even. I felt a slow burn build in my lower abdomen, but it was only sitting there, not going anywhere.
“Please, Link,” I begged.
Instead of giving me what I had wanted from him, he bent his head down and took a nipple in his mouth, moving his tongue around it until it puckered enough for him to pinch between his teeth and lips. It sent shivers down my spine but didn’t do anything for the ache I felt. I hooked a leg over his hip and pulled him into me more. That elicited a growl from him. It was animalistic and turned me on more than anything had before.
I needed more from him. I needed him to give me all he had.
“Link…”
He looked me in the eyes and kissed me. “Come with me, baby,” he whispered on my lips before thrusting harder into me.
Our lips were touching, but we weren’t kissing. We were taking in each other’s panting breaths as we reached our climax together. I tightened around him and his movements became rigid and broken. The burn took over my body and he gave me everything he had.
I screamed, saying whatever came to mind as I rolled over the cliff with him. Once we were done, he laid on top of me, still inside of me. He looked at me with questioning eyes. I didn’t know what he was looking for. I didn’t know why he was looking at me like that.
I started to overanalyze, thi
nking of what had changed. I began replaying my screams of ecstasy until I realized what those eyes meant. I listened to myself until the words were vibrating through my own ears, bouncing off my eardrums long moments after they were said. I love you. Oh, God.
The words had been so easy to say in the heat of the moment since I had said them so many times to Billy during the same act of pleasure. I didn’t want to tell that to Link. Not after what just happened between us. I also couldn’t lie to him and tell him I meant them either. So, I just looked at him and smiled, feeling the familiar sting of tears behind my eyes.
“You okay?” he asked, half out of breath.
I nodded, still with the sad smile on my face. “Better than okay.”
He kissed me once more before separating himself from me. The sudden absence made me feel cold and alone. I didn’t want him to move away from me. I wanted him to stay buried in me forever. Did I love him? Is that what this feeling was? I wished there was some magical way for me to know the truth.
I only had Billy to compare love to, and I was slowly beginning to think that wasn’t real love. That wasn’t the kind of love that lasts forever, and I shouldn’t compare anything to that. The feelings I had with Link couldn’t be analyzed and picked apart. They couldn’t be put on a scale and measured the way I had been trying to do. I just had to go with it and trust my heart when it told me how I was feeling. It was just so hard to do that since it was my heart that told me I belonged to Billy. His name was stamped all over it. Embedded in it. Billy held my heart for as long as I remembered, and now I had to learn how to entrust it with someone else. It wasn’t an easy task.
I laid there, and suddenly realized that I just made love to man while carrying the child of another. I felt disgusted, but at the same time content. I knew Link wasn’t just a fling, and that it would happen again. I wanted it to happen again. Over and over again. I also knew that Billy chose to leave me. He chose to leave me and our baby. It wasn’t my fault that I had moved on. I was only following Billy’s lead.
Feeling Link seep out of me only served as a reminder that he was there. He was the one that was with me, not Billy. I thought to myself how I could get used to that. As long as I could get over the feeling of betrayal every time we slept together, knowing Billy’s baby was inside of me.
I went to see Dr. Montage the following week. I had been looking forward to seeing her since the fight and the subsequent make-up with Link. I had so much to tell her, but was somewhat afraid of what she’d say about all of it.
“Tell me why you wanted to leave,” she started after I filled her in on that night.
“Because I had hurt him, and I didn’t want to keep doing that.”
“So, you thought it would be best if you just left him alone?”
“It seemed to be what he wanted. He has been my only real friend and seeing how much I hurt him made me feel sick to my stomach.” Just thinking about it made me feel sick. “I thought if I stayed around it would only get worse.”
“Why, because you still plan on going back to Billy?”
I wanted to think about my answer, but realized I learn more when I just spoke without putting any thought into my words. It taught me a lot about how I truly felt and allowed me to be completely honest, not only to the person asking the questions, but also to myself. I needed to know the truth just as much as anyone else, without me trying to convince myself one way or another.
“It’s not that I plan on going back to him. I find myself daydreaming a lot of him coming back to me and begging me to forgive him. Sometimes he comes to the house and begs for me to go back with him, other times I’m out running errands and run into him. But I think most of that is just me wanting him to realize what a huge mistake he’s made.”
“It seems to me that you are feeling very insecure and looking for him to want forgiveness in order to feel better about yourself. Do you see what he did as a rejection of some sort? Like maybe instead of it being about it, it’s more about you?”
That made me think. I knew I had been feeling insecure about a lot of things, but I never thought of myself as an insecure person. I had always been very confident in myself, but the way she asked me that made me wonder if she was picking up on something I hadn’t.
“Maybe. It’s kind of hard not to feel rejected when I tell him I’m pregnant with his baby and he tells me to get rid of it and leave him alone. Then he blocks all lines of communication with me. How should I feel about that?”
“I can’t tell you how you should feel. You are entitled to your own feelings. But maybe you should start viewing it as a release from your past. Growing up, you were always confined, unable to be yourself in the world. Even when you lived with Billy. You didn’t have a job, you didn’t have a full education. You lacked the opportunity to reach your fullest potential since you were unable to attend college. You couldn’t even get an identification card or even a library card. So, in a sense, you were trapped in that life.
“After coming here, where you were all of a sudden accessible to all of those opportunities, you were adamant on going back to that box. To that confinement. Once he began to close the door on that, I started seeing you open up more. You began coming into your own. Look at what all you’ve accomplished since then. Those binds that were there, holding you to your past, were starting to weaken. And now, you have to ability to completely break free from them.
“So, maybe, instead of seeing what he did as a form of rejection, try seeing it as a form of release. You are no longer tied to him, to that town, to that life. You can be anyone you want to be. Do anything you want to do. And go in life wherever you want to. I strongly believe that had he not freed you from him, you would have gone right back to that confined box and withered away in a life that is too small for you.”
“But I am tied to him.” I held my hand over my flat stomach.
“Only as much as you allow yourself to be. Link has already made it abundantly clear that he wants that baby and you. You’re the only one still seeing that baby as Billy’s. Link sees it as his, and so do your families. You’re the only one tying it to Billy.”
I had a hard time not tying it to him. I can still remember the day we conceived it. I could still see the love in his eyes, feel it in his hands, and hear it on his lips. How could I separate it all from him when I knew deep in bones that the love he showed me was real?
“Well, I’ve already committed myself to Link, what else am I supposed to do?”
“Believe it.”
I hadn’t really thought that I didn’t believe it. But maybe she was right. Maybe I told myself that I had committed to him, convinced myself, but didn’t fully believe it to be true. Not that I believed it not to be true, but that I was just going with what I had told everyone. It is true what they say, the more you tell a lie, the more it becomes the truth.
“How have you and Link been since that night?” she asked, breaking through my thoughts.
I felt a smile spread across my face. I couldn’t hide it if I wanted to. “Amazing. Better than it was before the fight. I think it brought us closer together if that makes sense.”
“And the two of you have been intimate since then?”
I blushed, not wanting to answer her. “Yes,” I said quietly.
“Have you told him anymore that you love him?”
“Yes.”
“How did you tell him?” She looked right at me when she asked.
I felt embarrassed. Small. Ashamed. And I knew she could tell all of that from just looking at me. I could see the empathy in her eyes from across the table. The way she looked at me like she knew the answer without me having to say it out loud. But she still made me say it.
“In bed. The same as the first time.”
“Have you given it any thought as to why you’ve only told him in the heat of the moment? Why haven’t you told him outside of the bedroom? Do you maybe feel like it would make it more real and that scares you? Or do you think it won’t be the truth?”<
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“He has never said it to me.”
“That wasn’t what I asked, Danielle.”
I hated how she never let me skirt her questions. And she never let things go. It used to piss me off and make me angry with her. It would put me in a bad mood. But now, it upset me because she was right. She made me answer her honestly and that scared me. The truth scared me.
“I know I have feelings for him. I don’t know if it’s love or not. I can’t seem to figure that part out. I want it to be love, but it doesn’t feel like it. It just feels like really strong feelings. And I don’t want to be the first to say it outside of the bedroom. That makes me feel vulnerable and I don’t like to feel that way. I’m so tired of feeling insecure and rejected.” I started to cry and she handed me a tissue. For some reason, her office was the only place I felt comfortable showing my weakness. She didn’t make me feel like less of a person for crying. I was the one that made me feel that way.
“Who was the first one to say it between you and Billy?”
“He was,” I answered confidently. “I had my things packed and was planning on leaving him because a fight escalated and things turned physical and I didn’t want to be there anymore. He came home as I was walking out and begged me to stay. He told me he was in love with me then. That was the first time.”
“How were the fights between you two? Were they physical very often?”
“I was generally the physical one in fights. I threw things at him and would hit him when things got bad. He never responded with violence. He just yelled a lot at me.”
“Have you thought about that? About how unhealthy that is?”
I had thought about it. I knew couples that were violent with each other and I hated it. But I never thought Billy and I were unhealthy. We fought hard, but we loved hard, too.
“He never laid a hand on me.”
“But you said you were leaving because it turned physical. What does that mean?”
“I was slammed into a wall. Then he left. But when he came back and refused to let me leave, he explained that it was an accident. He didn’t push me. He just tried to grab me, keeping me from running away and the momentum threw me against the wall.”