by Leddy Harper
“Thinking back on that, is that what really happened?”
I didn’t have to think back on it too hard, it was the last dream I had of me and him together. “Yes. That’s what really happened. He grabbed my arms and pulled them behind me and I went face first into the wall. His hands were on my arms, not my back. Not my head.”
“What caused that fight?”
“He was being short tempered so I threw his boot at him and it hit him in the face.”
She nodded, taking notes.
“So you are aware that it’s not okay for a man to hit a woman,” she stated, not asked. “But are you aware that it’s still not okay the other way around? Just because you’re a female and he’s a male, that doesn’t give you the right to put your hands on him either. Or throw things at him. Violence is violence. Just like abuse is abuse, no matter if it’s emotion, physical, mental, or verbal. It’s never okay, Danielle.”
I began to cry again, thinking of the way Link looked at me after I slapped him. I hadn’t ever thought that it was okay, but never saw it as abuse or violent behavior, either. It was a slap. But that one little slap was enough to make him look at me with those blue eyes that told me he felt betrayed. He was so upset with me when I slapped him, and I couldn’t help but think he was over-exaggerating. But now, I see it differently.
“Are you telling me that I’m an abuser?”
“No. That’s not what I’m saying. I just want to make sure you know the difference between right and wrong, and see that there isn’t a difference when it comes to abuse. You threw something at him and in the end, you were hurt.”
“But he didn’t hurt me,” I argued defensively.
Joanne sighed as she looked way from her notepad and into my eyes. I could see some empathy behind her eyes and it unsettled me some. “He may not have struck you, but he did hurt you. Look at the chain of events. You threw a shoe at him, he went after you, and intentional or not, you hit your head on the wall.”
“So you’re saying it’s all my fault I got hurt.”
“No. You can’t think of it like that. If that’s how you want to think about it, you said he was being temperamental before you even threw the shoe. So with that mentality, it was his fault. But I’m sure something set him off. So, maybe it was that person’s fault. But maybe that person was in a bad mood because of something else. So you see how you can’t place the blame that way? It’s your fault you threw the shoe. It’s his fault he was in a bad mood. You getting hurt? It was the conclusion of the actions you both caused.
“You need to learn to take responsibility for your own actions. No one made you lose your temper. Yes, his actions caused you to act out, but in the end, you’re the one that acted out. That falls solely on your shoulders.”
Her words affected me more than I wanted them to.
“Like what Link said about me taking responsibility for reaching out to Billy,” I stated mostly to myself. She agreed with a head nod and let me continue. “So how do I change that? How do I stop connecting my behavior to something someone else did?”
“You just do. When you come to a fork in the road, and you have to choose one path or the other, stop and think. Think about how that decision would affect not only you, but the people involved. You can’t be selfish. Being selfish only leads to others getting hurt.”
I nodded, thinking about all she’s taught me since I’ve been seeing her. I could already tell a difference in me, and knew this new development would only prove to help me overcome so much more. I smiled at her and watched as she smiled back.
“I think we’re done for the day. I’ll see you on Thursday,” she said as she rose from her seat and walked me to the door. Link was waiting for me on the other side and I couldn’t wait to see him. I couldn’t wait to be in his arms again and start this new life with him.
I didn’t have too much time with Link before school started. He would be gone all day at work, and then sit in front of his computer all night. He was still very attentive to me, but it made me miss the times when we’d just sit together and talk, about everything and nothing all at the same time. I wondered if it would’ve been different had I been able to attend school with him. But that couldn’t happen until the next semester started. I was still waiting to hear back about my last sets of test scores. It didn’t stop me from going over his work while he was gone during the day. I found his class studies simple–things I had pretty much already taught myself. I was sure I’d do fine once I actually started school.
I spent my days getting things taken care of. Jeri had even taken me to get my learner’s permit. I wasn’t able to get my driver’s license until I was eighteen. But I was okay with that. At least I was able to be behind the wheel of a car, even if it was with another adult in the vehicle. That just meant I couldn’t drive with Link yet. We didn’t go very many places together anyway.
One day, I was at Jeri’s house, making dinner with her when Jack came in. I was trying to learn to be around him more, but I still didn’t like it. Aside from the one time at the police station when he seemed to open up to me, he’s been cold and distant.
Jeri realized she was out of an ingredient for dinner and ran to the market up the road. I didn’t want to be alone with Jack, but I didn’t have much choice in the matter. Jeri wanted me to stay there to keep an eye on the oven.
Jack stared at me, boring holes into the back of my head while I tried to ignore him.
“What?” I finally asked when I couldn’t take it anymore.
“I’m just wondering how you were able to convince such a nice boy like Link to take responsibility for a baby that’s not his.”
I was speechless, wanting to say so many things. I wanted to argue with him, tell him he was wrong. I also wanted to yell at him and let him know he had no business talking about my child. I didn’t know which way I was going to go.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” I surprised myself when I only brushed him off and began to walk away.
“You’re no different than your mother, you know. You act like you’re so much better than her, but you’re not. Stringing someone along when you really have no intentions of being with them. And bringing a baby into the mix. Just cut the act and accept it.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” My anger was building.
“Figure it out. You seem to be good at digging into things. Asking people the right questions. Why don’t you find that out on your own?”
“You’re full of shit. Corinne wasn’t seeing anyone other than my dead-beat father.”
Jack stood up and got right in my face. His tone was calm when he spoke. “I knew what she was up to. Why do you think she pushed me away? Why do you think she pushed everyone away? Doug wasn’t about to let her go. There was no way he was going to let her leave him. She knew she had our support, but she wasn’t allowed to have it. So don’t tell me that I don’t know what I’m talking about.”
“Why won’t anyone tell me these things? Why are you and Jeri so adamant on keeping this all from me? Don’t you think I have a right to know?”
I was so upset I could feel it ring through my body. I may have lived a lie while I was with John, but at least I lived blissfully in it. I didn’t know it was a lie. But since coming back to this place everyone wants to convince me is home, everything seems like a lie. Feels like one. Is one. I don’t even know what to believe anymore. I wish I could be ignorant and just pretend it doesn’t exist, but Jack won’t let me. He won’t just let things go. As soon as I feel somewhat happy, remotely content, he has to throw something back at my face. Mention another secret. I couldn’t handle any more secrets, especially when it came to my parents.
“That’s all I know. I can’t tell you anything else because I don’t know anything else. Trust me, I wish I did. I wish I could tell you everything, but I can’t.”
“That’s a lie. If you really wished that then you would have told me about the accident. The real truth. Instead, I had to
find out from a letter that my dead rescuer left me. If you really wanted me to know the truth, you wouldn’t have hid any of this from me. I don’t believe a single fucking word out of your mouth.”
He silently moved to the kitchen, pulling a bottle of water from the refrigerator. The quietness that surrounded us rang through my ears and became louder than anything I had ever heard before. I could hear the thumping of my heart, the gulping of his water, and the anxious breaths seeping past my lips. They were filling up the room around me, ready to suffocate me and pull me under.
Jack put the cap back on the bottle and walked back over to where I was standing. “I couldn’t tell you about the accident without admitting fault. Fault that has the ability to take my job from me. Not to mention, I really don’t know how that’s pertinent information. Your parents died in a car accident and you were kidnapped—not rescued—and I don’t see how whether or not they were intoxicated has any bearing on who you are as a person.”
“Maybe it doesn’t, but you keep telling me how much alike I am to my mother. So you make up your mind, Jack. Either keep things from me and let me live my life without throwing all the mistakes Corinne made in my face, or fess up and allow me the chance to be better than her. But you can’t fault me for turning out just like her when I don’t even fucking know her!” I yelled the last words in his face, spitting on him in my anger.
“I’m pointing it out so you’re aware of it.”
I laughed. I couldn’t help it. “Are you really, Jack? Come on, cut the crap. How is telling me that I’m just like her by stringing a nice boy like Link along while pregnant with some other man’s baby making me aware of anything? Are you trying to tell me that I should let a nice boy go and be with the baby’s father? Because last I checked, you didn’t want me anywhere near Billy.”
“You know that’s not what I’m saying. I just find it hard to believe that after a lifetime away from your mother, you’re still making the same mistakes. That’s all. She pulled that same stunt and look at what happened to her. I don’t want to see that happen to you. What do you think is going to happen when he finds out his kid is calling another man ‘daddy’? Do you think he’s just going to sit back and let that happen?”
“Shows what you know. He already knows. He doesn’t want the baby.”
The silence was back as he stood there and stared at me.
“And what are you even talking about? You keep talking like Corinne was cheating on Doug. Is that what was going on? Are you trying to say the accident wasn’t really an accident?” I waited for him to speak, but he never did. “What aren’t you telling me?” I cried out in desperation.
“I don’t know what really happened that night. All I know is that yes, she was cheating on him and I found out. She dropped you off at my house one afternoon and said she had some errands to run but would be back to get you before Doug got off. Doug called me in a panic because he didn’t know where you were and couldn’t get ahold of Corinne. He came and got you, and when your mother showed up about an hour later and found out, she was hysterical. I pressed her for some sort of answers but didn’t get much.”
“What did you get?” I desperately asked.
“Pretty much the gist of it was, she was seeing someone. I asked her who, but she refused to tell me. She didn’t want it to come back on me if Doug were to find out. All I got about him was that he was from her past. Someone she knew a long time ago that came back in the picture. I assumed someone from high school, but I can’t say for sure. All I know is Doug had his guard up from then on and didn’t want you around us anymore. He thought we were covering for her so she could go run around on him.”
It was my turn to be speechless. I didn’t know what to say to him, or how to react. All I could do was sit down and stare at the floor as I tried to steady my breathing. Ever since finding things out about my parents, I never imagined she was cheating on my dad. I suddenly had so many questions bouncing around in my head that needed answers. I could no longer block it out and be content with my life. I had to know.
I left before dinner was ready, using the excuse that Link called and wanted me home. She knew it was a lie, but went with it anyway. He knew I had dinners with her once a week; it gave him time to finish school work without me being in the house.
Link got home just after I did. I told him everything Jack told me, rushing it all out into practically one sentence. I thought I was on the verge of hyperventilating by time I got it all out. He sat, patiently waiting for me to finish before speaking.
“So, what does this mean?” he asked.
“I don’t know. But I have to find out.”
“Find what out?”
“If she was having an affair,” I said, like the answer was obvious.
“What difference does it make?”
I looked at him questioningly, not giving him an answer because I didn’t have one.
“What does it matter now is she was cheating on him? Will it change anything? Will it affect you if it’s true? No. I won’t.” He stopped to take in a breath and calm his demeanor. “Listen, you are pregnant. We are having a baby. Let’s focus on that. Let’s worry about stocking up on diapers and bottles, and not about your parents.”
He had a point, but my brain wouldn’t allow me to just let it go. I had to know. I had to find out if what Jack told me was the truth or not. It really wouldn’t change anything, and really had no bearing on my life, but it was something I just had to find out.
I agreed with him to appease him. Link clearly wasn’t going to see things from my side. He had no reason to. He’s always known who his parents were and what kind of people they were. He’s never had to question his genetics. I envied that about him, about anyone like him. I hated not having a full understanding of who I was. Everyone that could tell me about it was either dead or not talking.
I heated up dinner and then went to bed, leaving Link to finish his homework.
Things were changing and I didn’t like it. I decided to stay with Link and be with him, raising the baby with him because I liked the way he made me feel. But ever since he started school, it’s like that guy didn’t exist anymore. He was still there but buried under books and homework with his face stuck in front of a computer monitor all day. Long gone was the guy that kissed me for no reason, the one that always needed to touch me, protect me, support me. I knew what he was doing was for the bigger picture. I knew he was getting his degree and working so hard to provide for me and the baby, but I just wished he wouldn’t have put everything before me.
I went to bed that night, thinking about Corinne and Doug. Wondering who the mystery guy was and if he was good to her. I tried to picture it in my head, and ended up dozing off to a beautiful love story about a guy trying to save a desperate woman and her small child.
The next day, after Link left for work, I made my way back to the clothing store in search of Shannon. I was hoping she’d give me some answers. If Corinne met this guy in high school, then Shannon would have to know who he was. And if I had a name, I could find him and get the story from him. It was my only hope and I was desperate.
I found her sitting on the bench out front of the doors. The morning sun was hidden behind the building and left her sitting in the shade. I approached her and watched as she smiled in my direction. It was almost as if she knew I was coming.
“I was hoping you’d be here,” I said as I sat down on the bench next to her.
“I was expecting you. Didn’t know you’d be here this fast, but you are your mother’s child, and she wasn’t a very patient person either.” She laughed. “Once that woman had something in her mind, it was a now or never sort of thing. Actually, more of a now sort of thing; she didn’t understand the word never.”
I smiled at the way she talked about my mom. As if she was an amazing person and friend, and still alive. Not the woman that did drugs and ruined her life and endangered mine, or possibly cheated on her husband with some unknown man.
“Wh
y were you expecting me?”
“Jack told me you might be coming around.”
That got my attention. I didn’t know they had been talking again. I wanted to ask about it, but had a more pressing concern to worry about. I figured once I had the answers I was looking for about my mom, I’d delve into her relationship with my uncle.
“So then you know why I’m here?”
“Yes, and I reamed Jack out for ever even mentioning it to you. All he did was put thoughts and questions in your mind. Questions that don’t really have answers. We talked last night about it. I was actually surprised when he showed up at my house. I wasn’t expecting to ever see him again. But it was a good visit, and I’ll tell you exactly what I told him. I don’t know anything about another guy. I’ve already told you everything I know when it comes to your mother. Trust me, if she was seeing someone else behind his back and I knew about it, I would have done everything in my power to let it happen. I hated Doug, that was no secret, and I had always wished she would have left him.”
“So I will never know, will I?” I asked sadly.
Shannon looked at me with such sympathy in her eyes. I could tell she wished she had the answers as much as I did. She placed her hand on my arm and rubbed it, showing me her support.
“Honestly, I don’t think it matters much anymore. Knowing if she was seeing someone or who it was won’t change anything. It won’t bring her back. It won’t take away what happened to you. And it won’t change the person you’re destined to become. I am so mad at your uncle for ever saying anything to you about it. I know what kind of questions are buzzing around now that the thought is out there. But my only advice is to just let it go.”
“He said I’m just like her because I’m stringing around a nice boy.”
She smiled like she thought it was funny. “Your uncle is an idiot. I think he’s just upset thinking if she had another man, she should have left your father for him. He probably thinks she strung him along and then left him the same way she left us all. I really don’t think he means anything by it.”