This Courage of Mine

by Amanda Bennett

  I could hear the small inflection in her tone when she said the word husband and I instantly knew that there was something that she hadn’t told me yet. I gave her my signature look, the one that asked her if she needed to talk about something, but she just shook her head no. I walked over to Madison and gave him a hug, saying goodbye to him first so I could have a second with Kayla.

  I walked over to her and pulled her into a hug. “You okay, Kay?” I whispered into her hair so no one else would hear.

  “I’ll talk to you about it tomorrow. You two go spend the rest of the night together. Don’t worry about me. It’s nothin’ major, I promise.”

  “Coffee tomorrow?”

  “Of course. I’ll come pick ya up around eight. Is that okay, cowboy?”

  “Yeah, you can just drop me and Mia off with Glenn. We’ll spend the mornin’ hangin’ out while you ladies go do your thing.”

  “Sound good?” She asked.

  “Sounds good. Thanks Madison.” I shouted over my shoulder. “All right, we’re out of here. I’ll see ya in the morning.”

  Kayla and I made our way out onto the front porch where Glenn was talking to Joey. “Well thanks for having us.”

  “Thanks for coming. I know Mia was happy to see y’all. You too, Joey. Thanks for coming over. I know you probably had better plans.”

  “Always KJ, you know that.” He laughed.

  I shook my head at my brother-in-law, and then turned and gave Kayla one last hug before bounding down the stairs and into my husband’s waiting arms. We turned and waved then proceeded to walk towards our truck. When Glenn walked me over to my side of the truck I was a little surprised, but when he helped me into the truck by grabbing my ass and coping a feel, all of that surprise faded away.

  It wasn’t long before Glenn was putting up the armrest between us and pulling me over to his side of the bench seat. This was the Glenn that I had missed. This morning I wasn’t even sure if he still wanted to be with me, and now, I was absolutely certain that I was the only woman on the planet that this man wanted to be with, for all time.

  “So, were you really thinking about exploring the whole, having a baby thing?” I was hesitant to ask because I didn’t want to read too much into what Madison said, but I was more than curious.

  “I’ve been more than just thinkin’ about exploring the option. I think we should start tryin’. What do you think?” He turned towards me with a look of excitement that I just couldn’t get enough of.

  “Honestly, I haven’t really thought about it all that much. I mean, I’m not opposed to it by any means, I guess I just didn’t think that you were ready yet. With the band, and me going back to school, and what would I do about my job?”

  “Whoa, calm down baby. I was just sayin’ we could start tryin’. I don’t think you’d end up pregnant right away. You’d have to go off the pill first and what not, right? And you hate your job. You know I make enough money that you don’t have to work. Wait, what do you mean you’re going back to school?”

  I cringed as I looked in Glenn’s direction. I forgot that I hadn’t yet mentioned the whole going to college thing to him. Just as I suspected, when I looked over at him I could tell he was pissed. Perfect. This was exactly how I wanted to end our anniversary. “I’ve just been thinking about it. I wanted to go to college and maybe get my Bachelor’s degree in business management, maybe open up my own clothing shop or something like that. What do you think?”

  “Honestly Cam, I want you to do whatever makes you happy. I’m not here a lot and I want you to have something that brings you as much joy as my job does.”

  I let out a sigh of relief when he finally spoke. I honestly thought he was going to pitch a fit when I told him. Glenn wasn’t controlling by any means, but he was very over protective of me, especially when he wasn’t around. “Thank you, Glenn.” I pressed my lips to his cheek and curled into his side as we made our way home. “And my answer is yes. I want to start trying.”

  “For real?” I could hear the excitement returning in his tone.

  “Yes, for real. There’s nothing else I want more than to have a baby with you. I guess we will see what happens.” I just hope it didn’t happen too soon.

  Chapter 6

  Glenn

  “Baby, answer your phone please. Or at least turn it off.” Cami rolled over taking the blankets with her and leavin’ me exposed, with no other choice but to answer the stupid phone.

  “What?” I groaned into the receiver.

  “Hey man, sorry to wake ya so early but we just got called early for the second leg of the tour.”

  “Are you shittin’ me? Madison, this messes everything up. Fuck!” I drug my hand down my face in exasperation. Just like that, my perfect two weeks off with my wife had now turned into a few days, and I was livid. As much as I loved bein’ a part of the band with the guys, it was really startin’ to make my life somethin’ I wasn’t prepared for.

  “I’m sorry, man. Trust me, I’m not happy about it either. At least you don’t have a kid you’re leavin’ behind too.”

  I could hear the hurt in his tone and I instantly felt bad. “I know this is a lot harder for you. Sorry man. I didn’t mean to be a dick.”

  “It’s cool. So enjoy your last day with her. We leave at five in the mornin’. We’ll see ya in a bit?”

  “Yeah, I’ll be here.”

  “Cool. Bye.”

  I hung up the phone and slid back into the comfort of my wife’s warm waiting body. I slid my arms underneath her, pullin’ her deep into my chest makin’ her let out a small sexy moan. Without sayin’ a single word, my lips fell to her exposed neck leaving hot heated trails across her skin. If I only had today left with her, then I was gonna take full advantage.

  About an hour later, I finally rolled out of bed and made my way out to the kitchen to make my now exhausted wife, some breakfast. “Eggs and bacon okay with you?” I shouted over my shoulder.

  “Yes and coffee, please.”

  “Before you go have coffee with Kayla?”

  “Yeah.” She shouted back.

  I simply shrugged my shoulders and made quick work of gettin’ out all the fixings for breakfast and got to makin’ it. I hadn’t told Cami about the new time for us to leave, and I definitely wasn’t lookin’ forward to havin’ that conversation with her this mornin’. I heard the shower go on as I cracked open the first egg and I silently prayed that she would take a little extra time, so I had time to figure out how to break the super awesome news to her.

  I quickly ran to grab my phone off of the nightstand to make a phone call before Cami was done in the shower. I dialed Kayla’s number as quickly as my fingers would allow. Her phone rang and rang and rang. I was just about to hang up, when I heard a crying child on the other line.

  “Hello?”

  “Kayla?” I could barely hear her over Mia’s tantrum.

  “Glenn? Sorry, hold on a second.” I heard her ask Madison to take Mia real quick while she took my call, and I instantly felt bad. “Glenn, you still there?”

  “Yeah. Sorry, I can let ya go if y’all are busy.”

  “No, no you’re fine. Mia was just upset because her daddy wasn’t getting her dressed fast enough. What’s goin’ on? Everything okay with Cam?”

  “Yeah, I’m sure Madison already told you that we are leavin’ earlier than we thought?”

  “Yeah, unfortunately.”

  “Well, I haven’t told Cami yet. I’m tryin’ to plan somethin’ special for her tonight to kind of ease the pain of it all, but I just can’t think of anything. Do you think maybe y’all can get a sitter for the night, so y’all can join us?”

  Kayla let out a small laugh. “You know she’s gonna have your balls, right?”

  “Don’t I ever.”

  “You know what? I have a great idea. We’ll come by and get y’all at about six. Make sure y’all are ready to go. Oh, and bring swimsuits.”

  “Swimsuits? All right, sounds good. See y’all then.
”

  I hung up the phone shakin’ my head. I wasn’t exactly sure what Kayla had planned, but now I was curious as all hell. The shower went off a few seconds later and I rushed around the kitchen tryin’ to get the rest of Cami’s breakfast put together. A few minutes later when she peeked her head around the corner, a huge smile formed across my face.

  “I smell coffee.” She moaned.

  I walked towards her with a fresh cup in my hand. “Just for you.” I placed a chaste kiss to her cheek and led her over to the kitchen table. “Your breakfast, my love.”

  “It smells amazing.”

  “Of course it does, I made it.” I laughed as I placed my plate next to hers and took a seat. “So, we’re goin’ out with Kayla and Madison tonight. That okay with you?”

  “I guess.” She gave me a perplexed look. “I thought we were going to spend some quality alone time together for the next week?”

  “Yeah…about that. So, that phone call I got this mornin’? That was Madison, apparently we have to leave tomorrow mornin’.” The second I heard her fork clatter against the plate, I knew I was in for it.

  “You have got to be kidding me, Glenn. This is getting out of hand. How are we supposed to even think about kids when y’all have to up and leave all the damn time? It seems like the only thing that matters these days is what the band has going on.” She stood from the table and slammed her chair as she pushed it in. “I just need a minute. I’ll be back.”

  I wanted to run after her, I really did, but the better part of me knew that when Cami wanted to be left alone, she meant it. As soon as the front door slammed shut and she was nowhere in sight, I pushed my hands back through my hair and let out an exasperated sigh. There was no way I was winnin’ this one. I was damned if I did, and damned if I didn’t.

  Chapter 7

  Cami

  I knew I was being a bit of a drama queen, but let’s face it; I kind of had the right to be at the moment. Regardless of my age, I was starting to feel as though I had no say so in my life, or my future. I married Glenn knowing exactly what his life entailed, but I loved him enough to work through it. Now, I just wasn’t sure where we were supposed to go from here on out.

  I decided to go the back way to the house, so I wouldn’t catch anyone’s attention, especially not Kayla or Madison. Right now, I just needed some time to think. I threw the car in park and slowly exited it. A small smile tugged at the corners of my lips as I took in the beautiful sight before me. Even though our house was still just a shell of what it was going to be, I could see nothing but the potential of all the open space.

  I dropped my hand and let my fingers lightly slide across the soft wooden beams that made up our front door. My glossed over eyes made their way up the beams, past the structured roof, and out into the vast open sky. A small tear escaped from the corner of my eye and I quickly wiped it away from my cheek before it had a chance to make its presence known.

  I continued to walk through the rest of the house, pointing out to myself what each room was or could potentially be, just as Glenn had. When I got to the room that Glenn had previously stated could possibly be a nursery, I was suddenly overrun with about a million emotions. As much as I hated to admit it, maybe my mom and my brother were right. Maybe we did rush into this. Maybe, we should’ve taken more time to figure out the rest of our lives first.

  I dug through the front pocket of my jean shorts for my phone and scanned through my contacts, when my finger stopped and hovered over his name. He was the last person I wanted to talk to about all of this, but he was my big brother, and I honestly missed him more than he or even I could ever comprehend. Before I could change my mind, I clicked on his name and the phone started to ring. My heart began to race and my palms started to sweat. I literally felt like I was about to pass out.

  “Well if it isn’t my long lost sister. So when you get married, you just write off your entire family?”

  I should’ve known better. “Well hi to you too, Mike.”

  “What’s going on, Cam? Do you need something?” I could hear the disappointment and anger in his tone.

  It wasn’t going to matter what I said to him. I knew my big brother all too well, and what Glenn and I did was completely unforgiveable in his eyes, but I had to try. “I just wanted to talk. We used to talk all the time, or did you decide to push all of those memories to the back, along with me?”

  “Look Cami, you called me. I’m not sure what it is you want me to say to you, but I’m on my way to work, so you have the next twenty minutes to figure it out.”

  I could feel the tears welling up behind my eyes, but there was no way in hell I was about to give him the satisfaction of knowing he could still get to me. I took in a deep breath through my nose and prayed that I could keep my emotions in tact, at least until I got off of the phone with him. “I’m sorry, Mike.”

  “For what, Cam?”

  “For everything, I suppose. I know you think that Glenn and I rushed into this whole thing, but we love each…”

  “Yeah, yeah, I get it. I know you guys love each other and love conquers all, and all that bullshit, right? Cami, I’m not just being stubborn in not wanting to forgive you. I honestly believe that what you did, by leaving mom and me out of the whole thing, was a dick move. We were best friends, Cam. I’m your big brother and I would do anything for you, but man you really just didn’t give a shit.”

  Now I was just getting pissed. “That’s not true, Mike. I never meant to hurt you or Mom. I don’t know how many times I can say I’m sorry. Please Mike, I just need my big brother back.” My unshed tears that I had been fighting so hard to keep at bay, were now spilling over onto my cheeks. I tried to think that it didn’t bother me that much that Mike and I hadn’t been talking, but in all actuality, it was literally killing me on a daily basis.

  “Look Cam, I’m pulling up to work. Was there something you needed besides to grovel?” He was being an ass to me, and deep down I knew that we would get absolutely nothing accomplished or worked out.

  “Maybe you just don’t understand because you’ve never felt love like what Glenn and I have.” I covered my mouth trying to take back what I had just blurted out.

  “Nice, Cam. I gotta go. Was that all?”

  “I guess I have no choice but to just get used to our new relationship. I’ll let you go, Mike. Have a good day at work.”

  “Maybe one day, Cam.”

  Before I could say good-bye, the line went dead and I was left speechless. I stood there staring at my phone for a few minutes, when suddenly my phone began to ring causing me to jump right out of my skin. I glanced down at the screen and a huge smile covered my face as my mother’s beautiful face sat there staring back at me.

  “Oh my god, Mom. I can’t believe you’re calling me. Oh, I miss you so much.”

  “Oh baby girl, I miss you too. So, how are you? Everything okay?” My mom’s tone was a little bit off and I automatically knew why.

  “Mike called you, didn’t he?” The sad thing, is that was probably the only reason she called me.

  “He was just worried, Cam. And he didn’t call, he sent me a text.”

  “Really? Worried? Because while I was speaking to him for the whole, oh minute that we were on the phone together, he didn’t seem the least bit worried in what was going on with me. He was more concerned with how I had hurt him. So Mom, I’m not okay, not in the least.” I could feel the tears freely falling down each cheek as I continued to pour my heart out to the one woman in the world who should have stuck by me no matter what, but some how I was still defending myself to her.

  “You know, I wish more than anything that I could turn back time and make sure that you and Mike could have been at our wedding. I wish that you both could have found it in your hearts to realize that I’m a grown woman and I’m entitled to make my own mistakes. I didn’t need your permission to marry Glenn, and I sure as hell didn’t need Mike’s. I’m your daughter. You should have loved me and supported me, regard
less of the choice I made. And now, when I need my mom the most, I can’t even turn to her.” I paused briefly to listen for her reaction, but when she didn’t say anything, I knew this entire conversation had been pointless. “Look, I have a lot of things going on so I’ll just talk to you later.”

  “Cami Renee, don’t you dare hang up on me. Now that you’ve said your peace, it is my turn. No I didn’t agree with how you went about the whole marriage thing, but I thought we had gotten past this? Before you moved, I honestly thought that we were in a pretty good place, considering. You are my only daughter and I refuse to let you push me out of your life. I am your mother and I will always be here for you, no matter what it is that you need from me. I love you so much, baby girl. Now can we please just move past this whole thing and you start telling me what is wrong?”

  I covered my mouth as my mother spoke. With every word that passed through her lips, my heart began to swell to immense proportions. All I ever wanted or needed for that matter, was her forgiveness and her love. And as much as I didn’t want to admit it, I needed my mommy. “I need you, Mom. I just feel so lost and confused, and alone. I…” My voice caught in my throat as I fell into hysterics. I just wanted to feel my mother’s loving arms wrapped around me, telling me it’d all be okay.

  “I’m on my way, baby girl. I’ll be there as soon as I can be. You hear me?”

  I nodded but laughed, forgetting that she couldn’t see me. “Are you serious?”

  “Of course I am. My baby girl needs me and honestly, I need my baby girl. I’ll call you when I’m on my way.”

  “Okay, Mom.”

  “Oh and Cami?’

  “Yeah.” I croaked out.

  “I love you.”

  I smiled. “I love you too. See you soon.” And just like that, all felt a little more right in the world.

  Chapter 8

  Glenn

  I knew Cami was pissed, but I also knew there wasn’t anything I could do to fix this right now. I decided to drive out to our house, not expecting to see Cami, but when I pulled up and saw her car parked next to it, a little piece of me was ecstatic. I proceeded with caution as I maneuvered my way through the framed pieces of wood, until I reached what was supposed to be the nursery some day.