Lost Angel

by Mandasue Heller

Rita slammed her palms down on the table and snapped, ‘Who the hell do you think you’re talking to like that? You might be married, but that doesn’t make you queen of this hive, lady. I’m the only queen around here, and don’t you ever flaming well forget it.’

  Cheeks reddening as she fell quickly back into her place, Ruth said, ‘I was only saying you could be a bit nicer to Johnny. It hasn’t been easy for him, having to move in with us when he’s used to having his own place.’

  ‘Don’t make me laugh,’ Rita sneered. ‘He’s never owned a thing in his life. He was bumming off that mate of his before he started freeloading off us, so don’t try and make out like he’s good for anything, ’cos he’s nowt but a scrounger. Now, quit talking rubbish and get me a drink.’ She snapped her fingers in the direction of the cupboard where she kept her supplies.

  Ruth did as she was told without saying another word, but her lips were as taut as two elastic bands tied in a double knot. She usually just got upset when her mum had a go, but this time she was furious. Her mum had no right to talk about Johnny like that when she didn’t even know him. He had made a real effort with her, but she hadn’t even pretended to welcome him into the family. So now he just tiptoed around her, afraid of attracting her attention, because the tiniest meeting of eyes was all it took to unleash the devil in her mouth.

  Well, her mum could say what she liked about Johnny’s reasons for coming home on time, but she’d be better off thinking about why her husband didn’t do the same, in Ruth’s opinion. Although it wasn’t hard to figure that one out, because no man in his right mind would be in a hurry to rush home if he knew a bitch like her was waiting for him.

  ‘What are you staring at me like that for?’ Rita demanded when Ruth handed her the glass of whisky.

  ‘Didn’t realise I was,’ Ruth muttered, folding her arms. Then, glancing at the clock, she said, ‘I think I’ll go up in a minute. Johnny’s got another early start in the morning, and it isn’t fair to make him go to bed on his own again.’

  ‘He won’t thank you for it,’ Rita sniped. ‘If you ask me, he goes up early to avoid you.’

  ‘He does not,’ Ruth shot back, raising her chin proudly. ‘He just doesn’t want you to think he’s taking me away from you, ’cos he knows you like me to watch TV with you at night. Any other man would have told you to get stuffed by now, but he’s too nice.’

  ‘Nice, my backside,’ Rita snorted. ‘I bet he’ll already be in bed pretending to be asleep when you get up there. That’s what he usually does, isn’t it? And don’t say no, ’cos I have got ears.’ Mimicking Ruth now, she put her hand on her heart and simpered, ‘“Don’t you love me any more, Johnny? Oh, Johnny, please do it to me, I just need to know you care.”’ She gave her daughter a dirty look when she’d finished and said, ‘Pathetic.’

  ‘Oh, my God, you’ve been listening,’ Ruth gasped. ‘Johnny was right.’

  ‘No, Johnny was wrong,’ Rita retorted. ‘That squeaky little voice of yours carries all over the flaming house, so I suggest you keep your gob shut if you don’t want us knowing your business in future.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I will,’ Ruth muttered, her cheeks flaming.

  Rita took a sip of her drink and looked at her daughter’s stomach through narrowed eyes.

  ‘How far on did you say you were supposed to be? Four or five months? Weird you’re still not showing, isn’t it? If you ask me, you’re losing weight, not putting it on.’

  ‘I’ve been sick.’

  ‘I haven’t heard you. In fact, I’m starting to wonder if you’re really pregnant at all.’

  Ruth inhaled sharply and said, ‘Don’t be stupid. You know I am.’

  ‘You forget I’ve been there, so I know what it looks like,’ Rita reminded her. ‘And you don’t look pregnant to me.’

  ‘You’re drunk,’ said Ruth, clasping her hands together to hide how badly they were shaking. ‘You always talk rubbish when you’re drunk.’

  ‘I’m not so drunk that I can’t see what’s in front of me nose,’ Rita persisted. ‘Did you lose it? Is that why you’ve been moping about these last few weeks? Did you drop it down the loo and flush it away by mistake? ’Cos that can happen, you know.’

  Chin wobbling, tears burning her eyes, Ruth said, ‘I’m not listening to this. I’m going to bed.’

  ‘You don’t fool me,’ Rita called after her as she headed out of the door. ‘And if I’m right, you’d best tell that stupid husband of yours before he cottons on. And your dad, before he goes and tells the family and they all start fetching presents round for it.’

  Ruth closed the door on her mother and ran upstairs. Johnny was still in the bath, so she sat on the bed and stroked the indentation in his pillow. The tears came now, dripping down onto the quilt like big soft raindrops, turning the light green satin ten shades darker. She swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand and pinched herself hard on the leg to snap herself out of it. But it was useless. She’d been an emotional mess for weeks, right as rain one minute, sobbing her heart out the next. She loved Johnny so much and couldn’t bear the thought of losing him, but that was exactly what was going to happen when he found out what she’d done. And if her mum had already guessed that something wasn’t right, it wouldn’t be long before he did too.

  She was still sitting there when Johnny crept in a few minutes later with a tiny towel wrapped around his waist. He jumped when he saw her and said, ‘Christ, you scared me. I didn’t hear you coming up. How long have you been here?’

  Ruth turned her head away without answering, and he heard a little sniffling noise.

  ‘Are you crying?’

  She shook her head, but Johnny knew she was lying. He sat next to her and put his arm around her.

  ‘It’s me, isn’t it?’ he asked guiltily. ‘I’ve upset you.’

  When Ruth sobbed and buried her face in his chest, he guessed he must be right, and that made him feel terrible. She’d been trying so hard to be a good wife but he’d been a selfish bastard, too wrapped up in his own misery to notice how miserable he was making her.

  ‘Don’t cry,’ he said soothingly. ‘Talk to me.’

  ‘It’s not you,’ Ruth told him when she’d got herself under control. ‘It’s me.’

  ‘No, it’s not,’ Johnny argued. ‘You’ve done nothing wrong. It’s me. I’ve been neglecting you, and you don’t deserve it.’

  He brushed her dark hair back off her face as he spoke. It felt silky, and his dick twitched to life as the sweet scent that he’d forgotten drifted up to him.

  ‘Look,’ he said, nudging her when it pushed its way out through the gap in the towel.

  Ruth gazed down and gave a little gasp. ‘Is that for me?’

  ‘What do you think?’ Johnny raised her chin with his finger, kissed her softly, and then pushed her down onto the bed and peeled her panties down over her thighs.

  And, for a change, she didn’t stop him and tell him to turn off the light, or freeze and tell him to quieten down when he pushed himself into her and set the headboard banging against the wall.

  7

  Ruth felt as if she’d been given a reprieve, and she floated around in a little bubble of bliss for the next couple of weeks, relieved to have found a way out of the hole that she’d dug for herself.

  It had seemed like such a good idea to tell her dad that she was pregnant, a sure-fire way of making Johnny stay with her. At the time, marriage hadn’t even entered her mind, but once her dad had told Johnny that he had to make an honest woman of her it had been too late to admit that she’d been lying. She’d thought naively that no one would ever find out and had convinced herself that she would get pregnant really quickly once they were sleeping together regularly. So when Johnny hadn’t been able to do it, she’d panicked. Then her mum had sussed her out and she’d known that the game was up. But just as she’d been about to confess, Johnny had made love to her at long last.

  And they had done it every night since, so, when Ruth realised that he
r period was three days late, she truly thought that her prayers had been answered.

  She had been walking around in a daze ever since, cradling her stomach, convinced that she could feel a tiny heartbeat flickering to life in there. They said that women instinctively knew when they were expecting, and she had never been more certain of anything in her life. She even knew that it was a girl, and she was mentally compiling a list of names as Johnny made love to her tonight. But her fantasy crashed and burned when he pulled out of her and looked down in horror.

  ‘Oh, Jeezus – you’re bleeding!’

  ‘What?’ Ruth sat up and peered down in dismay at the red stain on the sheet between her legs.

  ‘I told you I was going to hurt it,’ Johnny said guiltily, leaping off the bed and snatching his underpants off the floor. ‘I’m going to call an ambulance.’

  ‘No!’ Ruth blurted out as he shoved a leg into his jeans and hopped towards the door. ‘Don’t.’

  ‘You need to get checked out,’ he insisted. ‘Even I know you’re not supposed to bleed when you’re pregnant. And it’s my baby as well as yours, so no arguments.’

  Ruth burst into tears. She couldn’t go to hospital and risk them telling him that it was just a slightly late period and not a miscarriage. And that was what it was, she knew.

  ‘I know you’re upset,’ Johnny said supportively. ‘But you have to go to hospital. So I’m going to get your mum, then I’m calling an ambulance.’

  ‘Please don’t,’ Ruth sobbed, clutching at his hand. ‘Just sit down for a minute. There’s something I need to tell you.’

  ‘We haven’t got time.’

  ‘Yes, we have.’ Gazing forlornly up at him, Ruth took a deep breath. ‘I didn’t want to tell you, because I didn’t want to upset you, but I’ve already lost it.’

  ‘What?’ Johnny’s face creased into a confused question mark.

  ‘It slipped out last week when I was on the toilet,’ she lied, using her mum’s words. ‘I didn’t know what it was at first – I just saw blood and panicked.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘You were at work. I didn’t want to disturb you.’

  ‘I wouldn’t have minded,’ Johnny said quietly, knowing as he said it that he probably would have. ‘Anyway, it might not have been the baby,’ he went on reassuringly. ‘It could have just been a clot, or something.’

  Silently begging God’s forgiveness for her wickedness, Ruth shook her head. ‘It was the baby. I saw it.’

  ‘Oh, God.’ Johnny flopped down beside her and ran his hands through his hair. He hadn’t even wanted to be a dad, but since he’d accepted that it was actually happening he’d begun to look forward to it. He’d had big plans for his boy. He was going to take him fishing, and teach him how to play footie. And when he was older he was going to take him to all the home games at Old Trafford and let the kid sit on his shoulders with his Man U scarf round his little neck. But none of that was going to happen now, and he felt like a part of him had been torn out.

  Ruth was overcome with guilt when she saw how upset he was.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ she cried. ‘I know I should have told you, but I didn’t even want to admit it to myself.’

  ‘Don’t blame yourself.’ Johnny pulled her into his arms. ‘It’s not your fault.’

  Unable to look at him, because she knew that it was, albeit not in the way he meant, Ruth buried her face in his chest.

  ‘Don’t cry,’ Johnny said softly. ‘We might have lost this one, but we can still try for another.’

  ‘Really?’ Ruth’s heart skipped a beat and she gazed up at him through her tears. ‘You’re not going to leave me?’

  ‘Don’t be stupid.’ Johnny frowned. Then, sighing, he said, ‘Do you want me to tell your mum and dad?’

  ‘No. It was our baby, so we’ll tell them together.’ Ruth wiped her nose on the back of her hand and looked up guiltily at him. ‘I am sorry, you know – for everything. I know you didn’t really want to get married, and my mum’s been horrible so it can’t have been easy for you, having to live here. And now this has happened. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to get away.’

  ‘I’m not going anywhere,’ Johnny assured her, pulling her closer so that she couldn’t see his eyes. She was right: he hadn’t wanted to get married, and living here had been pure hell. But Frankie would never allow him to leave, so there was nothing to gain by allowing himself to go down the if-only-it-hadn’t-happened route again.

  ‘Are you sure you don’t want to go to hospital?’ he asked after a while. ‘Just to make sure the bleeding isn’t serious.’

  ‘The doctor said it’s normal,’ Ruth lied. ‘It should stop by the end of the week.’

  ‘Oh, I didn’t realise you’d already seen him, but I suppose it must be all right if he says it is.’ Johnny eased her away from him now and gave her a small smile. ‘Why don’t you get yourself cleaned up while I change the bed? And can I get you anything? Painkillers, or a brew, or something?’

  Ruth shook her head and sloped off to the bathroom with her eyes downcast in shame. Johnny was being so lovely, but kindness was the last thing she deserved. And she was bound to get more of the same from her dad when they told him.

  But the guilt was her punishment, and she was just going to have to suffer it if she was to keep them from finding out how wicked she’d been.

  Johnny and Ruth called her mum and dad into the kitchen the following morning, and sat them down to deliver the news – and it was every bit as distressing as Ruth had known it would be.

  Frankie didn’t say a lot but Ruth could tell that he was upset, and that made her feel ten times worse, because she hadn’t even stopped to think how it might affect him when she’d started this whole charade. Like Johnny, he hadn’t been happy about it to start with, but he’d obviously come around to the idea, because she saw the disappointment flash through his eyes.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ she murmured, clutching at Johnny’s hand.

  ‘Sorry for what?’ Rita demanded.

  Already pissed off about being dragged out of bed at such an early hour, she was in no mood for bullshit – and this was a great big bucketful of the stuff, if she was any judge. It had only been a few hours since she’d asked Ruth if she’d lost the baby down the loo, and the girl had not only denied it, she’d made out like Rita had committed a sin for even thinking it. But now here she was, saying that it had happened exactly like that – and she actually expected Rita to swallow it.

  ‘You’ve got absolutely nothing to apologise for,’ Frankie said, jumping in and saving Ruth from having to answer her mother. ‘It’s just one of them things, darlin’. Nowt you can do about it.’

  ‘That’s what I said,’ Johnny agreed, putting his arm around Ruth when she started to cry again. ‘It’s sad, but we’ll get through it. And there’ll be other babies.’

  Frankie pursed his lips when he noticed how gently Johnny was holding Ruth, and the way that he was stroking her hair. The boy would never have married her if he hadn’t been forced to, but Frankie had to give him his due for the way he’d handled it so far. Johnny had been polite to Rita, despite her constant nit-picking; and he was respectful down at the yard, doing whatever was asked of him without question or argument. Frankie knew the lad had sneaked round to see that mate of his a few times, but he’d decided to let it slide since no girls had been involved. And at least Johnny didn’t take the piss and crawl home in the middle of the night – which was more than could be said for Frankie himself. And, rather than looking relieved right now, Johnny actually looked upset about losing the baby, which made Frankie wonder if he hadn’t misjudged him.

  The sudden ringing of his mobile phone broke the silence that had fallen over the kitchen. Frankie snatched it up off the table.

  ‘I’m on my way, Pat. Just give us ten.’ He ended the call and sighed. ‘Sorry, love, I’ve got to go. Will you be all right?’

  ‘Yeah, course.’ Ruth sniffed back her tears and gave
Johnny a little push. ‘Go on, I’ll be fine.’

  ‘No, he can stop here.’ Frankie scraped his chair back and stood up. ‘Oh, and here . . .’ he said, taking a key out of his pocket and tossing it down on the table. ‘I wasn’t going to tell youse just yet, but I reckon you could both do with a lift.’

  ‘What’s that for?’ Ruth asked. She took a tissue out of her dressing-gown pocket and blew her nose.

  ‘Your new house,’ Frankie told her.

  ‘I beg your pardon?’ Rita snapped her head around and stared at him.

  ‘You heard,’ Frankie said offhandedly.

  ‘You can’t just go around buying houses without asking me first,’ Rita screeched, incensed that he’d gone behind her back.

  ‘It’s my money, I can buy what the fuck I want.’

  ‘I’m your wife.’

  ‘And she’s our daughter.’ Frankie pointed at Ruth. ‘And she’s just lost our grandchild, but you’re more bothered about the fucking money, so why don’t you just crawl back to your bed and your bottle, and keep your nose out, you cold bitch!’

  Rita’s face went purple and she pursed her lips so tightly that Johnny thought she was going to burst. But she got up after a moment and, casting a glare of pure undisguised hatred at Ruth, flounced out, slamming the door behind her.

  Ruth shivered. ‘You shouldn’t have done that, Dad. She’s really mad.’

  ‘Do I look like I care?’ Frankie scoffed. ‘Anyhow, I’m not as generous as she thinks, ’cos there’s a mortgage – and you’ll be paying it.’ He aimed this last at Johnny.

  Johnny’s heart sank as he wondered how the hell he was supposed to afford a mortgage on his wages. He hadn’t even received his first pay packet yet.

  ‘In a year,’ Frankie added with a grin. ‘I’ll pay till the end of next March to give you a leg-up. After that, it’s down to you.’

  ‘Oh, Dad, thank you so much,’ Ruth sobbed, bursting into tears all over again. She’d been dreaming about having a home of her own since it had first been decided that she and Johnny were getting married, but she hadn’t dared to hope that it would ever actually happen. Now, after seventeen years under the guillotine of her mother’s tongue, she was finally going to be free.