Lost Angel

by Mandasue Heller

  Zeta gave a little upward jerk of her chin and said, marginally less aggressively, ‘It’s all right, I was just busy. What d’ya want?’

  ‘I’ve got a parcel for you,’ Lisa lied. ‘Looks like it might be from a catalogue,’ she added, praying that the woman actually used catalogues. But then, most of the women round here did – Lisa included.

  Zeta peered at Lisa’s hands, and then at the ground around her feet. ‘So where is it, then?’

  ‘Oh, yeah, sorry . . . it’s round at my place.’ Lisa grinned. ‘Don’t know why they brought it to mine, ’cos it’s not even the same number, never mind the same street. But they’re a right load of cowboys, them delivery drivers. I went out with one once, and he reckons they just bung stuff out anywhere when it starts getting late and they’ve still got a load on.’

  ‘Why didn’t you bring it?’ Zeta asked, thinking it must be true what they said about blondes being as thick as pig shit.

  ‘I was going to,’ Lisa told her. ‘But I had to rush out this morning and couldn’t take it with me. Then I got off the bus and realised I’d have to pass yours to get back to mine, so I thought I might as well let you know about it so you can come and get it – save me having to walk back round with it.’

  ‘I can’t come right now,’ said Zeta.

  ‘No probs – whenever you’re ready.’ Lisa tried not to look too disappointed. ‘But if you’re coming tonight it’ll have to be in the next half hour or so, ’cos I’ve got a date. And I don’t know when – or if – I’ll be coming home,’ she added with a conspiratorial smile.

  ‘Where is it?’ Zeta asked, wanting rid of her.

  Lisa told her the address. Zeta thanked her, said she’d come as soon as she could and closed the door.

  ‘Well?’ Johnny looked up from the couch when Lisa walked in. ‘Did you have any luck?’

  ‘She’s coming,’ Lisa told him. ‘Not sure when, though.’

  Twenty minutes later there was a knock at the door. Lisa was lying on top of Johnny, but she quickly peeled herself off him and shooed him into the kitchen. Then, after patting her hair down, she answered the door.

  ‘Oh, hiya, love. Come in a minute, I’ll just get it for you. It’s in the back room.’

  ‘I’ll wait here.’ Zeta stayed put.

  ‘Aw, please don’t,’ Lisa said quietly. ‘There’s someone I’m trying to avoid, and if they see you standing out here they’ll know I’m in.’

  Zeta sighed, but relented and stepped inside.

  ‘Sit down.’ Lisa waved her towards the couch. ‘Won’t be a minute, but there’s a load of junk in the back and it might have got covered.’

  She went through to the dining room and jerked her head at Johnny.

  Zeta had just sat down when Johnny walked in. Her eyes widened and she jumped straight back up to her feet.

  ‘Not so fast!’ He ran to the door before she could get there.

  Zeta turned to go out the back way instead, but Lisa was blocking the dining-room door.

  ‘What do you want?’ Zeta asked.

  ‘The truth,’ said Johnny.

  ‘I’ve already told you. But you made it clear that you didn’t believe me, so what’s the point?’ Zeta folded her arms and gave him a defiant look.

  ‘Tell me again,’ Johnny ordered. ‘And you might as well sit back down, ’cos you’re not going anywhere till we sort this out.’

  Zeta scowled with irritation. ‘You do know Gary’s going to come looking for me if I don’t go back in a minute, don’t you?’

  ‘Let him.’ Johnny shrugged. ‘You’re the one who doesn’t want him to know about this. It makes no odds to me.’

  Zeta sensed that he was going to stand his ground. She didn’t have time to argue, so she sat down sulkily.

  ‘What do you want to know?’

  ‘First off, how can you be so sure it was me?’ Johnny asked. ‘Not being funny, love, but if you were working in that kind of club and getting paid for extras you must have had hundreds of blokes.’

  Zeta’s cheeks reddened. It had been years since she’d sold herself, thanks to Ryan’s wages keeping them afloat. And she hadn’t wanted to do it when she had been doing it, so it was shameful to have to talk about it. But this was too serious for modesty.

  ‘It was you,’ she told him, her gaze lowered. ‘It was a club rule to make the punters wear joeys, but we’d run out that night. I wasn’t going to do it, but your mate paid well over the odds and I was broke, so . . .’ She trailed off and shrugged, her cheeks still flaming. ‘A few weeks later I realised I was pregnant.’

  ‘Were you with your husband back then?’

  Zeta nodded.

  ‘So it could be his.’

  She shook her head now. ‘He was locked up when I got caught. There’s no way Ryan could be his.’

  ‘So how come he thinks he is?’

  ‘’Cos he’s not too bright when it comes to dates. I made out like Ryan was premature, and Gary’s not interested in that sort of stuff, so he didn’t ask questions. But I knew.’

  ‘That still doesn’t explain why you think it was me,’ said Johnny, clutching at straws. ‘You couldn’t have known my name, and there’s no way you would have recognised me.’

  Zeta’s cheeks flared afresh. ‘I had your wallet away,’ she admitted. ‘There was a signing-on card in it with your name on it, and a little photo of you and a girl out of one of those machines. I’ve still got it. The photo, I mean, not the wallet or the other stuff.’

  ‘Why?’ Lisa couldn’t hold her tongue any longer.

  ‘I don’t know.’ Zeta’s shoulders drooped in shame. ‘I just thought you were really nice-looking.’ She flicked an embarrassed glance at Johnny. ‘And then Ryan came out so gorgeous and I guess I had some kind of romantic notion that one day . . .’ She flapped her hands and sighed. ‘One day, Gary might – I don’t know – leave, or die, or something.’

  There was an edge of longing in her voice when she said this, and Johnny and Lisa exchanged a what the fuck? glance.

  ‘And what then?’ Lisa asked. ‘This fantasy of yours . . . Gary dies, or pisses off, and then what? You and Johnny get together and bring your son up together, happy ever after, la la la?’

  ‘I know it was stupid,’ Zeta answered defensively. ‘But when you’ve got sod all to hang onto, anything’s better than nothing. Anyway, now you know, so I’ll go.’

  ‘You can’t just walk away from this,’ Johnny said incredulously. ‘If it’s true – and I’m not saying I believe it – but if it is, then there’s a great big mess that needs sorting out. Ryan and Angel are married, and that’s against the law.’

  ‘So are a lot of things,’ Zeta said pointedly. ‘I might be black, and I might have done stuff that I’m not proud of, but I’m not as stupid as people seem to think. I know my son’s been working for you, and there’s no job that pays as much as he’s been coming home with for a couple of hours’ work of a night. No legal one, anyhow.’

  ‘Stop trying to change the subject,’ Lisa chipped in. ‘Marrying your own brother is major. Have you any idea how much trouble they’d get into if anyone found out? And they’re having a baby. What if it comes out with two heads, or something?’

  ‘Jeezus, Lisa, do you have to?’ Johnny groaned.

  ‘I’m sorry, but it needs saying,’ Lisa replied.

  ‘There’s no point talking about it,’ Zeta said wearily. ‘I tried to stop it, but I was too late, so we might as well just forget it. They’re married, and they’re having a baby, and I know he loves her, so what’s the point of wrecking their lives?’

  ‘They can’t stay married now we know,’ Johnny gasped. ‘It’s not right.’

  ‘What’s the difference?’ Zeta asked. ‘Seriously. They’ve already done it, and that can’t be undone. Anyhow, it’s not like they grew up with each other and knew what they were doing. That would be wrong. But they haven’t got a clue. They just met and fell in love. They’re innocent.’

  ‘We know,�
� Johnny reminded her. ‘Shit, they’re supposed to be living in my house when they get back off their honeymoon – but how can I let them share a bed like a normal married couple now?’

  ‘If you love them, you’ll just have to try,’ Zeta said simply.

  ‘Are you for real?’ Johnny’s expression was a study in utter disbelief. ‘It’s sick. I’m not having my daughter screwing her own brother.’

  ‘If they don’t know, it won’t hurt them,’ Zeta argued.

  ‘But what if they find out further down the line?’ Lisa asked. ‘Or should I say when they find out, ’cos they’re bound to. The kid will probably be deformed in some way, and it might end up needing all sorts of operations. So what happens when the hospital do blood tests and put two and two together?’ She stared from Zeta to Johnny. ‘Sorry for being so blunt about it, but this isn’t going to go away. They need to be told, and this marriage needs to be annulled asap.’

  Johnny closed his eyes and lowered his head into his hands. Lisa was right, but it was going to absolutely break Angel’s heart. And the baby was something else they were going to have to deal with. Knowing Angel, she might still refuse to have an abortion, and what then . . . ? They’d be stuck with it for life.

  37

  Ruth was in bed, reading a book by the light of the lamp, when Johnny got home that night. He knew she’d been waiting up for him when he saw that she was wearing a negligee instead of her usual flannelette cover-all nightie. She had on eyeliner and lipstick, and she’d brushed her hair and left it loose so that it lay softly around her shoulders.

  Johnny had always liked her hair. It was thick and glossy and always smelled sweet, and the fact that she was wearing it down was a clear signal that she was up for sex. But he doubted she’d still want it when she heard what he had to say.

  He desperately didn’t want to tell her, because he knew that it would turn their entire world on its head. If she let him stay – and it was a very big if – she would be in total control, and she would make sure that he knew it. And he wouldn’t blame her after the way he’d treated her over the years. But she could just as easily kick him out on his arse. So, either way, his life was going to be shit from here on in. But he had to tell her because he had to tell Angel and Ryan, and there was no way of doing that without Ruth finding out.

  ‘You look tired,’ Ruth said, looking up at him and noticing the lines etched on his face. ‘I told you to leave that paperwork for Dave. You’d already had a stressful day, what with the wedding and everything.’ She smiled now, and closed her book. ‘Angel rang while you were out, by the way. They’ve booked into the hotel and were just about to have dinner. Then they were going to wander down to the arcades for the last hour. She sounded that excited, I was a bit jealous.’

  ‘Ruth,’ Johnny said quietly. ‘There’s something I need to tell you . . .’

  ‘No!’ Ruth gaped at him as if he’d just admitted to murdering the pope. ‘No, you’re lying.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Johnny murmured, his shoulders drooping as he sat miserably on the edge of the bed. ‘I didn’t believe it. Still don’t want to. But it all fits.’

  ‘How could you?’ Ruth was crying now. ‘How could you do this to me? I’ve given my whole life to you.’

  ‘I know,’ Johnny said, reaching for her hand.

  ‘Don’t!’ she hissed, slapping his hand away. ‘Don’t you dare touch me. You disgust me. I’m not stupid,’ she went on through gritted teeth. ‘I know you’ve had other women. But this . . .’ She trailed off and shook her head, the pain of his betrayal shining out through the tears. ‘You’ve had a baby with someone else.’

  ‘I didn’t know,’ Johnny reminded her. ‘It wasn’t like I’ve been playing Daddy to him behind your back. Angel’s my only child – always has been, always will be.’

  ‘But she’s not, though, is she?’ Ruth spat. ‘Not if what you’re saying is true. And I can’t imagine why you’d tell me if it wasn’t. After everything I’ve been through, that was the only thing I had that no one else could give you. Your first child. Except she’s not.’

  ‘She is to me,’ Johnny insisted. ‘In my heart, where it counts.’

  ‘Oh, Johnny, what have you done?’ Ruth asked plaintively.

  ‘I didn’t know,’ he said again, shaking his head. ‘I honestly didn’t know.’

  He looked so miserable, Ruth knew that he was telling the truth. She pushed the quilt aside and got up onto her knees, pulling him into her arms. He was her man, and good women supported their men through thick and thin. If they stuck together, they would get through this.

  ‘We’ll have to tell them,’ Johnny said quietly. ‘And we’re going to have to stop them from having this baby as well. It’s not too late, is it?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ Ruth sighed. ‘I’ll make an appointment at the clinic.’ She inhaled sharply. ‘Do you think we’d best ring Angel before they – you know?’

  ‘They’ve probably already done it,’ Johnny said resignedly. ‘They’re on honeymoon. Anyway, it’s too late to worry about that now. It’s not like they haven’t done it before.’

  ‘Only once.’

  ‘Once, twice, a thousand times – what difference does it make? No.’ Johnny exhaled loudly. ‘Might as well let them enjoy the next few days, ’cos God knows they won’t be enjoying themselves after they get back.’

  38

  Angel was glowing when she stepped off the train, and Johnny felt sick to his heart when she ran into his arms.

  ‘Did you have a good time?’ he asked, holding her tighter than he’d ever held her before.

  ‘Oh, Daddy, it was amazing,’ she gushed. ‘The best time of my life.’ Detaching herself when Ryan walked up with their case and several carrier bags, she linked arms with him and laid her head on his shoulder. ‘Ryan’s been treating me like a queen.’

  ‘Good,’ Johnny muttered, shaking the boy’s hand.

  ‘It’s been fantastic,’ Ryan told him. ‘Had to force her out of the arcades, though, or we’d have been broke on the first day. You’ve raised a right little gambler.’

  Johnny groaned inwardly when the pair gazed lovingly into each other’s eyes. They were absolutely crazy about each other, but in twenty short minutes their world would be torn apart irreparably. And it was all his fault.

  ‘So, have you missed me?’ Angel teased as they walked out to the car.

  ‘Course I have,’ Johnny told her. He held the back door open for her.

  ‘I’ve missed you, too,’ she told him, giggling as she climbed inside. ‘Ryan had to tell me off because I kept wanting to ring you.’

  ‘At two and three in the morning,’ Ryan said. ‘I told her you wouldn’t be interested in what was going on outside our bedroom window, but she wanted to ring every time anyone laughed out there, she was that excited.’

  Johnny smiled tightly, and closed the door when Ryan had climbed in beside Angel.

  He was quiet on the drive home, but Angel didn’t notice because she was too busy gushing about the fantastic hotel, their lovely room, the brilliant rides on the fair, the money she’d lost in the arcades . . .

  Ruth had been waiting nervously. When she saw the car, she ran to the door.

  ‘Hi, Mum,’ Angel trilled, jumping out and giving her a hug.

  They had never been as close as a mother and daughter were supposed to be, and Ruth was taken aback by the overt show of affection.

  ‘Come in,’ she said, unsure how to deal with it. ‘I’ll put the kettle on.’

  Rita wandered out of the parlour.

  ‘Hiya, nan.’ Angel waved. ‘I’ve brought you back some rock.’

  Rita raised an eyebrow and looked at Ruth. When Ruth gave her a warning look and mouthed Not yet, she shook her head and went back into her room.

  ‘Put the case in our room,’ Angel told Ryan when he came in behind her dad with the bags. Giggling, she said, ‘Sounds funny, that, doesn’t it? Our room.’ She gave a happy sigh and took the carrier bags off
him. ‘I’ll wait till you come down, then we can give them their presents.’

  Ruth and Johnny exchanged a hooded glance and traipsed into the kitchen.

  Ruth put the kettle on and made a pot of tea.

  ‘This is for you,’ Angel said, her eyes glowing as she took a small, neatly wrapped present out of one of the carrier bags and handed it to her mum. ‘I love it – hope you do too.’

  Ruth peeled the paper off and smiled when she saw the necklace. It was a tiny silver rose pendant on a delicate silver chain.

  ‘It’s beautiful,’ she said.

  Angel smiled and took another present out of the bag. ‘This is yours.’ She handed it to her dad. ‘I let Ryan pick it, so don’t blame me if you hate it.’

  Johnny opened it and raised an eyebrow when he saw the matching cigarette lighter and keyring.

  ‘It’s great. Thanks. I’m always losing my lighters, but I’ll look after this one. And I needed a new keyring.’

  ‘See, I told you he’d like it,’ Ryan told Angel proudly.

  ‘Men,’ she scoffed. ‘There’s a load of rock as well,’ she went on, reaching back into the bag. ‘They’re all different flavours, so you’ll have to have a root and decide which ones you want.’

  Ruth looked at Johnny and gave a surreptitious nod. He took a deep breath and said, ‘Angel, hush for a minute, darlin’ . . . there’s something we need to tell you.’

  ‘Nooooo . . .’ Angel wailed. ‘No, I don’t believe you! You’re lying!’

  ‘I wish we were, baby,’ Johnny put his arms around her. ‘I swear to God I had no idea, or I’d have told you.’

  Ryan’s face was a mask of shock and disbelief. ‘This ain’t real,’ he mumbled. ‘This ain’t real . . .’

  ‘I’m so sorry.’ Ruth reached over and patted his hand. ‘We both are.’

  ‘You’re lying,’ Angel said again, dragging herself free of her father’s arms. ‘You’ve been planning this all along to punish us.’