Highly Unsuitable Girl

by Carolyn McCrae

  “He’s not much like his father is he?” Anya looked at the photograph “He looks far too athletic.”

  “Fiona’s genes I believe.” Anya failed to read in Linda’s tone what she thought of Fiona.

  “And that’s the daughter, Rose?” Anya pointed to a girl, also tall but standing in such a way as to give off the impression of sulkiness.

  “That’s Rosemary, Rose to everyone though she’s trying to be Ros now. She thinks that’s more grown up, she’s 15 in July and full of it. She’s gone a bit off the rails recently, she does exactly what she likes when she likes.”

  “Probably just like me at her age.”

  “I wondered whether you’d think that, you’d be far better at understanding her than her mother.”

  “Possibly.”

  “And this is the youngest.” Linda pointed to another picture. A boy was sitting on his own, fondling the ears of a black labrador. “James, known as Jimmy, he’s just 13. He’s the sensitive one. Gezza is sporty and bossy, Rose is a rebel while James is a lovely boy, quiet and what we might once have called bookish but is now more ‘computerish’. He works hard at school, reads a lot, enjoys working with computers which Geoff, of course, has loved. I think of the three James is coping least well with all this change, he bottles things up and takes everything to heart.”

  “You’re fond of him.”

  “We’re fond of them all. We have children of similar age, they come round and hang out together.”

  “When it suits them.” David added.

  “Even Rebellious Ros and Gorgeous Gezza?”

  “We don’t see as much of them as we do Jimmy,” Linda’s tone indicated disapproval of the elder siblings. “but then no one is very nice in their teens are they?”

  “Surely Kathleen’s clucking around her Geoffrey’s brood.” Anya wasn’t afraid to let Linda know exactly what she felt about her ex-mother in law, though she had every reason to believe she would already know.

  “She’s been round at the house every day, she does her best but she’s nearly 80 and has no idea how to cope with teenagers in the 1990s.”

  “She had no idea how to deal with teenagers in the ‘60s.”

  “They certainly don’t like her very much and they take absolutely no notice of anything she tells them.”

  “She never did her very well with her own children, why should she do any better with Geoff’s?”

  “But what happens when Geoff’s, well, when he’s gone?” Anya didn’t like euphemisms but she couldn’t bring herself to say the words ‘when Geoff’s dead.’

  “That’s what he’s scared about. He’s accepted the fact that he hasn’t got long to go and he’s being very stoical about it. But he gets very agitated when he thinks of the children’s future.”

  “Does Kathleen realise she won’t be able to look after the children?”

  “She thinks she’s the only person who can but I think one day she will accept that she would be out of her depth.”

  “You mean that at the moment she thinks she will?”

  “I’m afraid so. That’s why Geoff asked me to call you.”

  Anya heard, but didn’t take in fully, what David had said.

  “But what about Margaret? Her children must be grown up and flown the nest by now?”

  “Ah yes. Matthew and Maggie. Matt’s in his final year at Durham and Maggie’s teaching in Thailand of all places. We’ve never seen much of either of them.”

  “So why not Margaret? She must be ideal. The children must know her, she must have the time on her hands.” Anya pictured the prim, rather grim woman that she had watched at the Golf Club New Year Ball.

  “Unfortunately she’s her mother all over again. If you thought Kathleen was a control freak you should see Margaret as a mother. Nothing the children do is ever right. Ever. She criticises everyone and everything. She’s not yet 50 yet she could be her mother’s sister.”

  “But that’s 50 going on 80.” Linda joined in supporting of her husband’s argument. “There was a family tea before Geoff went into hospital to which we were privileged to be invited, probably on Geoff’s insistence. It was difficult to tell which was the mother and which the daughter, quite frightening really. Geoff’s never liked her and he certainly wouldn’t trust her to bring up his brood in the way he would want. Also, she drinks like a fish. Really, Anya, there are so many reasons why Margaret would be a disaster.”

  “So I’m the only one left?”

  “Geoff asked me to talk to you. He says you’re the best, the only, person he would trust to help them grow up without him. He told me ‘she’s the only one suitable’. ”

  “Me? Suitable?”

  “Ironic that isn’t it.”

  Linda looked perplexed as Anya and David smiled at each other, aware that Geoff had carefully chosen his words. “He said you are the only person he could trust to bring them up as he would want them to be brought up.”

  “How’s that?”

  “With free spirits, confident, not afraid to be different, not afraid not to conform.”

  “Is that how he thinks of me?” She was touched.

  “He always has. We talk about those early days sometimes. He told me how you’d fought against your upbringing to make something of yourself.”

  “I was lucky. I married money.” She tried to laugh the compliment off.

  “But you’d already made something of yourself before that.”

  “I was still considered a trifle unsuitable.”

  “Not by everyone.”

  “I’ve changed, you know, grown up. All that was many years ago and I’m a very different person now.” She began to argue her case. She wasn’t sure why she felt she had to.

  “You didn’t differ very much from everyone’s expectations at the Golf Club.” Linda was suddenly hostile. “I think I could just about understand Tim but why Matthew? Matthew was just a boy.”

  Anya bit back the response that he seemed a bit more than a boy at the time. He needed Linda to be on her side. “Tim and I have a long history.”

  “Have?” Linda asked pointedly.

  “Had.” Anya knew she should have spoken in the past tense. “You know I didn’t want to come south when we graduated, Geoff rather tricked me into it, and I was very lonely. I needed a friend and Tim said he would help me in the seemingly permanent war with our mother-in-law. But he didn’t, he left me to fight Kathleen alone because it was far more important to him to be acceptable to his clubs and associations. I don’t think I’ve ever forgiven him.

  “But why Matthew?”

  “That was a mistake. I regretted it immediately afterwards. I should not have used him, even though he was actually the one that did the seducing.”

  “Are you really the sort of woman who can look after an adolescent boy? Gezza is not much younger than Matthew was.”

  Anya bit back the angry responses that immediately came to mind and spoke quietly and simply. “Matthew was a good two years older than Gezza is and probably a quantum leap more confident and experienced. He also had a bet with his friends, I believe Matthew won a great deal of money that night so it was hardly the seduction of an innocent. But honestly, if you don’t think the relationship would be completely different were I to be in a position of responsibility, then I don’t know why you’re here.”

  “We’re here because Geoff asked us to talk to you.” Linda sounded defensive. “For some reason he trusts you.”

  “I think maybe you’ll have to know me a bit better to understand that I do try to act appropriately according to the circumstances.”

  “I think perhaps I will.” Linda still sounded as though she needed persuading.

  “Please.” It was suddenly very important to Anya that Linda trusted her. “You can’t believe I’d act in the same way. You can’t believe I’d seduce a boy in my care? Geoff’s son? You can’t believe I’d be that crass!”

  “You know Geoff never stopped loving you.”

  Anya was surpri
sed by the change in the tone of Linda’s voice. “Really?”

  “He said he wished he’d stood up against his mother and stuck by you. He said he should never have let himself be manipulated so much by his mother.”

  “He told you that?”

  “Almost the exact words.”

  “And he really wants me to take on his children?” Anya didn’t know whether to be scared out of her mind or flattered beyond belief. Her main emotion was one of sadness that it had come to this to bring her and Geoff back together.

  “Will you come and talk about it with him? Will you consider it?”

  “I’m really the only one?”

  David sensed success.

  “You are.”

  “However unsuitable?”

  “Your word, nobody else’s.”

  Anya looked from David to Linda and down at her hands. She did not know what she should do.

  Since her purchase of Fishermen Rock fifteen months earlier Anya had split her time between England and Barbados. She still took pride in the successful running of her property business in England but she gained most satisfaction from the change of fortune of Edna’s Place. Miriam was a skilled and efficient manager. She was used to dealing with the bookings, the hiring and training of staff, the ordering of supplies and had a brilliant manner with customers and Anya had soon understood that she should not interfere in the day to day running of the hotel because no-one could do that better than Miriam. Her own input was the wider picture. She had no lack of ambition or funds, so she had hired the best international hospitality marketing business in New York. As a result Fishermen Rock was becoming established as the fashionable destination of choice for the footballers, racing drivers, rock stars and actors who loved the idea of Barbados but who were put off by the formalities of some of the established resorts. But there was still a long way to go, she had plans for development and diversification, she had in her mind a detailed five year plan for herself and her businesses. For the first time in her life, as she had flown into Heathrow that morning, she had known where her life was heading.

  Or so she had thought.

  “Go and see him.” David said gently. “No one will force you to take them on if it’s wrong for you because if it’s wrong for you it’ll be wrong for them.”

  David and Linda had tried to prepare her for the shock of seeing Geoff. They had explained how ill he was, how he had changed, but no words could have prepared her. Involuntarily she sucked in air and grabbed David’s arm for support. ‘Oh God’ she hoped she hadn’t spoken out loud but she knew she must have done as Linda put her hand on Anya’s other arm and squeezed hard.

  Geoff lay, seemingly asleep, in the bed that occupied the centre of the room connected by a mass of wires to the machines around his bed that beeped and displayed numbers and graphs in different colours that made no sense to her. She stared at the almost unrecognisable face, there seemed to be nothing between the translucent flesh and his skull, his eyes sunken in over-sized sockets. His arms, resting on the covers, reminded her of the pictures of victims of concentration camps.

  Her hand grasped at Dot’s locket and she remembered that hospital visit, so long ago. She had liked Dot, Dot had been her friend and it had hurt her when she had seen her dying in hospital. But she had loved Geoff, probably had never stopped loving him. The hurt was so much greater. She knew, with a certainty that frightened her, that she should have trusted him enough to put his picture in that locket. Perhaps, after all, it wasn’t too late.

  “Hello Geoff old chap. I’ve brought someone to see you.”

  A surprisingly familiar voice answered David.

  “You’ve found her.”

  “Hello Geoff.”

  Geoff opened his eyes and they smiled.

  “Good to see you Anya.”

  She walked over and sat on the chair close to the bed, taking her hand in his. He returned the squeeze.

  “Oh Geoff.”

  “Sorry I’m like this.”

  “Don’t be daft.”

  “You’ll have to do the talking.” His words came in a rush and then he stopped, as if that had exhausted him.

  “David and Linda say you want me to look after the children when…” Words failed her.

  “When I’m dead.” Geoff sounded very matter of fact. “You can say it. Will you?”

  “Yes. I will.” She had no idea what it would mean but seeing Geoff like this she knew she would have to try. Somehow she would rearrange her life.

  “You know what it’ll mean?”

  “I haven’t the foggiest idea but that’s OK. You know I’ve always been a quick learner.”

  “Tell me about your life. What you’ve been up to for the past nineteen years.”

  “We’ll be outside.” David said quietly and Anya heard the door click shut.

  “Tell me.” Geoff repeated and squeezed her hand as he closed his eyes.

  “Well, where do I start?” In a quiet and unexcited way Anya began to tell Geoff about her life. “It’s been a long time since we’ve known much about each other hasn’t it?”

  She didn’t wait for an answer as Geoff’s eyes were closed but he squeezed her hand briefly so she knew to continue.

  “After I left,” she was amazed at how difficult it was to say the words, “I spent a shitty summer but then got a job. In an Estate Agents, would you believe it, me an estate agent? Anyway I eventually married the boss, Peter, but we’re divorced.”

  “Was he nice?”

  “Not as nice as you. But nice is such an inadequate word. He was kind, attentive at first but then he found someone else. We lived apart in the same house for years. Then we got divorced, that was the reason for the fiasco at the Golf Club Ball. I needed to give him very public grounds.”

  “Anyone else?”

  “Not really. I live alone now. There’s no one in my life.”

  “Sad.” Geoff whispered.

  “Not really. I could have got involved if I’d wanted to. I’ve changed you know Geoffers, I’m not the pushy grasping…”

  “Sex-mad”

  “…pushy, grasping, sex-mad, girl I used to be. I suppose I’ve grown up a bit. That mess a couple of New Years ago was my last stupidity. I really regret that, you know Geoff, I do regret making such a fool of Tim.”

  “He deserved it.”

  “Thanks, I hoped he would.”

  She was rewarded with a squeeze of her hand, though Geoff kept his eyes shut.

  “What do you do?”

  “I’ve got a bit of a property business, a range of really nice houses and flats that bring in a good income. I haven’t had to worry about money for a while.” She realised she sounded complacent but she meant only to comfort Geoff. “I bought a hotel in Barbados as well. I bought it on a whim, well not really a whim, more a desperate need to have something positive in my life. It’s been doing really well and has been a very good investment. I’m ashamed to say how much profit it makes. I’ve been going over there three or four times a year, but if I can’t go it’ll run itself.” If she was looking after the children that was something that she would have to give up. Perhaps they could go out once a year, for a holiday and she could pack everything into one visit.

  “A business woman then.”

  “I was.” She was already thinking that those times were past.

  “I’ll make arrangements.” He had opened his eyes. “I’ll get Dave to draw up something, make sure the children aren’t…”

  “Don’t worry. I’ve done quite well for a scraggy tart from Liverpool.” She tried to speak ironically but realised there was an unwelcome defensiveness in her voice. Geoff opened his eyes, looked at her tellingly, and closed them again.

  They were quiet for a few moments and Anya thought maybe he had gone to sleep. His breathing was low and even, the pressure on her hand, slight as it had been, relaxed.

  She found she was stroking his hand, gently, with the back of her fingers, keeping in time with his breathing. She spo
ke slowly, gently to him. Maybe he was asleep, perhaps he couldn’t hear the words, but there was always the chance that he would gain comfort from the sound of a voice.

  “Do you remember that first evening in the hall canteen? I’d been so lonely and all I was looking for was someone to latch on to. I was so lucky it was you, Geoff. So lucky. It wasn’t all about sex was it? Even from that first time there was something more between us. Love? I think we were ‘in love’, from the beginning, but it took time to learn to love each other properly. I think I only realised that I loved you, rather than just being in love with you, the summer after I left you. Love is like happiness isn’t it? You only know you’ve had it when it’s gone.”

  She paused and looked at his shallow breathing thinking of the many times he had been breathless from the energy of their love-making.

  “I have loved you for so long Geoff but the way I loved you has changed through the years. I think I was most in love with you before we came south. That’s when it started to go wrong wasn’t it? We had to work at it, dig deeper, forgive more. Perhaps that’s where we went wrong. Neither of us could forgive the other for things we never even tried to talk about. Sometimes I loved you so much I couldn’t imagine a life without you, at other times I loved you more when you weren’t with me. Does that make any sort of sense? But whether I loved you or not, Geoff, I always liked you, always, and I hope I never blamed you. Your mother and sister were so determined to get their way. It wasn’t your fault they wore you down.”

  There was no change in Geoff’s breathing and she kept stroking his hand. There was no indication he was anything other than asleep. The only sound in the room, when she wasn’t speaking, was the regular beep of the monitor. She couldn’t bring herself to look at the line, imagining at any time it would stop its ups and downs and there would only be a flat line accompanied by a high pitched wail as the beeps stopped. Geoff turned his head slightly, but his eyes were still shut, his breathing still even, he seemed still to be asleep.

  “I’m so sorry about Fiona. I shouldn’t have egged you on to have your wicked way with her should I? But then how were either of us to know what she really wanted. I suppose she went along with her parents and your mother to give herself cover so she didn’t have to explain what she was. They would never have understood. Perhaps she felt she had to get away from her parents so she could be free to be who she wanted to be. What I can’t understand is her leaving you all now.” Anya paused, she realised her talking about Fiona might upset Geoff, but he gave no sign of hearing her. “Your mother didn’t care about your happiness at all. She just saw Fiona as good breeding stock to provide her with the grandchildren who would perpetuate her Geoffrey. I don’t think she has ever really forgiven him for so obviously disliking her so much. And she didn’t really care about Margaret either did she? How did Margaret cope with knowing her children weren’t good enough because they had the wrong surname? We should have worked together more, you know Geoffers, we should have talked to each other more. We could have beaten her, we could have beaten them both.”