Watched

by Cindy M. Hogan

I didn’t even bother to undress before getting into bed. Completely exhausted, I didn’t have the energy, even though my insides buzzed with excitement. I had kissed Alex again and it had been great. I decided to pretend the kiss at the club never happened. Unfortunately, just because my body was exhausted, didn’t mean my mind was.

  My conversation with Rick danced through my mind. What would he think when he saw me holding Alex’s hand tomorrow? Would Alex even want to hold my hand in public or was it only a one-time thing? Would he treat me like Josh treated Summer—a behind closed doors relationship? A horrible feeling washed over me, and I tried to ignore it, but it steadily grew until I ached all over.

  “I’m sorry, Rick,” I mumbled into the night, hoping to release some guilt. It didn’t work.

  I thought about how I’d acted at the club and wished it had been different. I thought about fake-drinking, and that now everyone at the club thought I had drunk alcohol. I didn’t really want them to think that, and yet I did. And, then I thought about kissing Alex, my second mistake. (and kissing him again, my third, and fourth and fifth...)

  Guilt overwhelmed me; it was sudden, complete and devastating. Hot tears pushed their way to the surface and flowed freely. I was glad for the darkness. Maybe I didn’t know myself. I had never dreamed that this trip would test decisions I had made a long time ago. I never thought I would have kissed two different guys in two days, nor did I think I would go to a club where everyone was drinking and being wild. I also didn’t think I would ever steal clothes, fake drink or twist the truth. I never thought the opportunity would arise for me to have a boyfriend before I was sixteen. Now there were two guys wanting me to be their girlfriend. Was nothing sacred to me anymore? Had Marybeth’s help made people accept me only while here in D.C. or would it extend to my home? Was my past what made me an outcast back home? Could the people back home forget the old me? Did I want to be the new me?

  Really, why had Alex thought I would go to his room? Could it be that because I went to the club, he thought I drank, and I kissed him, that he thought I would do more? Did he think so little of me? Maybe he saw nothing wrong with it, though—maybe he’d never been taught that it was. But, couldn’t he feel it was?

  I gasped, realizing that my seemingly little choice of sneaking out to the club to be with Alex had caused a chain reaction that led to places I had never intended to go. I didn’t want people to see me as someone who would go to a club. I definitely didn’t want anyone to think I drank, and I certainly didn’t want anyone to think I was easy. What had I done? How could I undo what had happened? The answer was easy—I couldn’t.

  One deception had blossomed into many, with no turning back.

  I lay awake all night, trying to find a way to ease my guilt. I’d decided that Alex came from another world, entirely different from mine, and I didn’t know how to deal with him. I would have to give him up, as hard as that would be. When I was with him, I compromised a lot of what I thought I wanted out of life and pretended to be someone I wasn’t. I let the fact that he made me feel so good override my better judgment.

  I would also have to tell Rick that I absolutely couldn’t date until I was sixteen. The timing with Rick was just off. I felt hot, thinking of his soft lips. I really had to trust that sixteen wasn’t some random age my parents picked, but that something magical happened on your birthday to help you be smarter with guys. On the other hand, maybe I would just have to choose to be smarter. But, smarter, I’d found, didn’t always feel better—at least at first.

  Besides, this little world in D.C. was different from reality. Alex, Rick and the rest of them would probably go home and in two minutes forget I existed.

  With a start, I sat up. The clock read six-thirty. I stretched and slid out of bed. I smelled cigarette smoke and looked down at myself. Marybeth’s clothes. My heart dropped and nervous flutters filled my chest. I looked over at her. The room was just light enough to see her shadow in bed and without a noise, I grabbed a dry-cleaning bag and some new clothes from my closet, hurrying into the bathroom. I shoved her clothes into the bag and showered as fast as I could. What if she woke up? After getting dressed, I ran the clothes down to the reception desk, asking them to bill me. When I got back to the room, I heard the shower. Did she see me leave with the bag? I sat on the edge of my bed, waiting for her to come out, nervous that she had seen something. This guilty conscience thing was going to kill me.

  “Hey!” Marybeth said when she came out of the bathroom.

  “Hey!”

  “You got in a workout this morning, huh?” she asked.

  I looked at myself, wondering what had given her that idea. Maybe she had seen me leave with the bag and thought it was a gym bag of sorts. I just smiled and hurried to get ready. I had dodged a bullet, but I still had one more to dodge. I had to get her clothes back into the closet without her knowing. Why had I been so stupid? I should have asked her if I could borrow them. She would have let me. I’m sure of it. If only I’d asked, I wouldn’t have this stress now. Marybeth and I hurried down to grab a bagel and then ran onto the bus. Mrs. J. raised her eyebrows at me.

  “Doing okay today, Christy?”

  “Yes,” I said. “Just running a little late.” I had to pull it together and give a good performance for Mrs. J., with whomever she wanted to impress. I couldn’t let her down.

  She smiled, and I made my way to the back of the bus. Both Alex and Rick had open spots next to them and both looked at me. A burn shuffled down my spine. It didn’t seem right to sit with either one, so when Marybeth sat with Kira, I squeezed onto the seat with them.

  “What the…,” Kira called out.

  “Christy, what are you doing?” Marybeth asked, looking at me.

  “I wanted to sit with you guys. It’s okay isn’t it?”

  “Whatever,” Kira answered.

  “Sure,” Marybeth said.

  The tight fit was worth not having to face either Alex or Rick. Facing Kira’s wrath was easier at the moment. It would also be good to keep an eye on Marybeth—to make sure she didn’t tell Kira about the kiss.

  I picked at the bagel the whole way to the place we were meeting up with the lobbyists, listening to Marybeth and Kira talk about how excited they were about today. They loved the idea of shadowing a lobbyist and seeing firsthand what they did all day. It baffled me. It was like I wasn’t even there. Glad in a way, I didn’t want to explain to them that I wouldn’t be shadowing a lobbyist. Mrs. J had something else planned for me.

  When I stepped off the bus, several men in suits stood on the sidewalk in a row, students massed around them. One called out names and as he did, the student’s whose names he had called, rushed up to stand next to him. I just waited by the bus door. After the first man had everyone on his list, he led them away. Then the next man in the row started calling out the names on his list, and he was swarmed with eager students. Soon, I was the only one left without a leader. I headed for Mrs. J.

  I caught sight of Rick, who looked at me with questioning eyes. I smiled and shrugged my shoulders. His group walked away, but he lingered, looking at me until he had to go or be left behind.

  “Christy,” Mrs. J said. “There you are. Let’s go. They’re waiting for you.” We walked to a car that was waiting for us a bit further down the road. We drove toward the capitol and stopped in front of one of the Senate office buildings. I probably should have asked where we were going—but I didn’t.

  We walked into a large reception area and a tall, thin, stiff man, with short brown hair and glasses, put out his hand for Mrs. J. to take. He then looked me over and decided to give me his hand, too. I noticed I was slouching, so I straightened up. I had to become a performer. I had to produce for Mrs. J. She had gone out of her way to get me here, and I didn’t want to let her down. My brain clicked into action. No matter what had been going on in my life, I had to be amazing in some way, now.

  “This is Christy, Mrs. J said. “She is quite incredible—like I told you
on the phone. Put her to good use, Stephan.” She smiled at me and then walked back out the large glass doors.

  Stephan didn’t answer her, he simply nodded in her direction and then put me to work, researching, none other than immigration—the same thing I’d given my speech on the day before. Coincidence, or not? He handed me a stack of papers to go through and then a list of websites to consult. I looked over the sites; I’d already read and summarized many of them. I wrote the highlights of those and then moved on to the stack of papers in front of me.

  I loved to do research—the perfect thing for me to do when I was tired. In no time at all, it was time for lunch. I didn’t stay gone the hour allotted me; I would have fallen asleep at the cafeteria table. Glad to get back to work, I’d finished the stack of papers and was starting on a few new websites, when the tall, stiff senior staff member, Stephan, joined me.

  “How’s it going?” he asked.

  “Great. It’s pretty interesting.”

  “It’s about to get more interesting,” he said, grinning. “We need a five minute report on what you’ve found at three o’clock. That gives you one hour. Can you do it?”

  “Sure,” I answered.

  “It needs to be your best work, okay?”

  “Sure,” I repeated, hating the tone of his voice. I wasn’t a child. “I’ll have it for you.”

  In a flash, he was gone. I looked at the fifteen or so websites that I hadn’t gotten to yet. They stared up at me from the paper. What if I missed something important, because I hadn’t read through all of them? I decided to just scan them. A five minute presentation should only take me fifteen minutes to prepare, which left me forty-five minutes to research. Time passed quickly, but I was able to get through ten sites. Writing the speech was the easy part.

  “Ready?” Stephan asked, standing in the doorway.

  I handed him a nicely printed copy of what I’d found, along with the speech, annotated and all.

  He stared at me with a crazy look on his face.

  “How’d you get through all that material?” he asked.

  “I didn’t. I missed about five of them,” I said, ashamed.

  “Hmm,” he said. “Only five? Amazing. Come on.”

  “Huh?” I said.

  He held my papers out for me to retrieve, waving them a bit.

  “Oh, didn’t I tell you?” he said, in a dramatic voice, all stiffness gone. “You get to present the information to the Senator.”

  “What? Why don’t you just do it?” I asked.

  “Your research. Your presentation. Now, get a move on.”

  I stood up, nervous about the unexpected, and followed him out of the cubicle area, back to the entrance foyer.

  I’m sure I was supposed to be ecstatic about this opportunity—but I wasn’t. Any of the people, except maybe Alex, from our tour group would be clamoring for such an opportunity. To me, it seemed silly to present what anybody could just as well read.

  He had me sit on a bench in the foyer and wait while he went to see if they were ready for me. Then, he opened a door for me. The large room was packed with people sitting around an oval table in large, cushiony chairs. I would be presenting my report to a whole group, not a single person. I looked away from them, hoping it would calm my nerves. It’s like a debate, I kept telling myself. Speaking in public wasn’t hard for me to do, but thinking that these people probably knew more about immigration than I did, made me feel silly.

  Stephan took his place in a seat not far from me and nodded for me to start. The silence in the room slithered over me.

  At about the fourth sentence of the speech, my instincts turned on and I became a performer again. I felt like I was flying when I did something well. I got brave when I reached the second page, and looked away from my notes. I knew the talk by heart; I’d written it after all. I started making eye contact with each person in the room. I felt powerful and alive. Reaching the back of the room, my eye caught a very familiar face.

  I stammered and sputtered, staring into the eyes of one of the men of my nightmares, Senator Randolph. A monster sat in front of me, and I was helping him in some way. I felt my body sway, and everything went dark.

  I woke, my eyes slow to adjust to the bright lights shining down on me. A man with white hair started to come into focus. He talked, but it seemed in slow motion.

  “She’s coming around,” the man said. “She just fainted, locked her knees or something. She appears fit as a fiddle. It’s the bump on her head I’m worried about.”

  I tried to sit up, but the room spun.

  “Slow down young lady,” the white haired man said, “Give yourself a minute or two.”

  I couldn’t help but lay back down. I wondered how I’d gotten there. I took a few deep breaths and took in my fuzzy surroundings. I was in an office of some sort, but a large elegant one, with books lining the walls, and prominent furniture standing in exactly the right places. I decided the white-haired man must be a doctor by the way he looked me over. Then I saw Stephan standing behind him, and I remembered I’d been giving a report on immigration issues when everything went black. Where had they taken me? How long had I been out?

  Stephan moved around the doctor, looking stiff and awkward, as always, not knowing what to say to me. He held out bottled water for me to take and said, “Drink this.”

  I took it and almost laughed out loud. Lying there like that reminded me that I needed sleep. Like a soft blanket, I felt sleep covering me. I turned my head to snuggle into a pillow and felt a sharp pain in my head and let out a loud, “Ooow”.

  “Be careful now,” the doctor said. “You hit your head pretty hard. We need you to stay awake until your teacher gets here. Can you do that for us?” He moved in closer, looking comical, zooming down to me.

  I giggled.

  They giggled too, but it sounded like it was in stereo, like one laugh came from behind me. I tried to sit up, wanting to know who else was in the room, but decided I didn’t care enough to endure the pain that stabbed my head when I moved.

  After what seemed a long time, the door swung open and Mrs. J. made quite the entrance. She spotted me right off and ran, seriously, ran the ten feet to me with her arms spread out, only to bring them to her mouth when she reached me.

  I pushed deeper into the couch.

  She looked me over, her eyes lingering on my head.

  “Are you all right, Christy? My goodness, what else could happen to you on this trip? I may need to keep you right by me from now on.”

  “I’m fine,” I said. “Really.” The idea of being right beside her from “then on” totally freaked me out.

  “You don’t look fine. You look pale and your eyes are all red.”

  “I’m tired. That’s all.”

  “She can’t sleep yet, however,” the doctor said. “She needs to be watched a good four hours to make sure she’s okay.” He turned to me. “Concussions are no laughing matter, young lady. You could die if you go to sleep before we know you are okay.”

  “Oh my,” Mrs. J. said, gasping.

  “She’ll be all right,” the doctor said, backpedaling. “You just need to be careful and keep her awake for a while.” Turning to me, he said, “I hear you were bringing the house down with your presentation when you decided to give everyone a scare.”

  “Yes, yes, she was doing an amazing job,” Stephan added. “I’ve never seen anyone work so quickly and so well on a project, ever.” He moved closer to me and said, “Don’t worry, I finished it for you. We all wish you were on our team already. Your conclusions were quite insightful.”

  The thin broad smile on his face made him look even more stiff and awkward.

  Mrs. J’s look of concern changed to glee. She smiled now, too. “I knew you would be impressed with her, Senator. She is quite amazing.” She looked behind me. Someone was there. Did she say Senator?

  I craned my head around to look, ignoring the pain. A smiling, round, pudgy face looked back at me. It didn’t look
at all cold and cruel, but my teeth clenched, my pulse pounded in my head, and I felt a cold finger creep down my spine. Frozen, I gawked at him, wide-eyed and open-mouthed.

  It was an interesting thing to look at him. He didn’t look at all how I had imagined him. I had created a tall, fierce, bulky, powerful man, who craved power. This man seemed the exact opposite. His fat fingers held a cup of coffee and suggested a calm, unassuming demeanor, while his squinty eyes and friendly smile were inviting. Was he really the cold-hearted man I’d imagined? Or was he merely a good pretender? Or was he trapped by the bad men—a pawn in their plans?

  I couldn’t bask in the sun of my accomplishments this time. Every nerve in my body screamed for me to run, despite my new impressions, but I couldn’t. I was stuck in a frozen body.

  He walked closer to me, and I couldn’t even flinch. My jaw ached from being left open, and all I wanted to do was to close it. He reached out and patted my shoulder, making my skin crawl. Was it possible to mask a dark, black soul or was it impossible to hide evil when it lurks within? He looked so nice, friendly even.

  “She reminds me of my daughter, Alyssa,” the Senator spoke. “She’s top of her class and always works harder than the next guy. She, however, sees the world through rose-colored glasses. Not like this young lady, sharp, realistic, feeling.”

  Did I see tears in his eyes? I could feel my tongue drying out. I wished I could bring the water bottle in my hands to my lips.

  Somewhere, at sometime, this man had a choice to make and he had made the wrong one. I thought of his Alyssa. Even if they had threatened his family, wouldn’t it be better to lose your family than your entire country? Your soul? Or maybe, the Senator was more wise than I’d thought. Maybe he saw that the terrorists would simply kill his family and then move on to the next until they found someone to do their bidding. Why sacrifice your family when it wouldn’t change anything? Maybe he was petrified inside and looking for a way out. Maybe, in his quiet alone time, he cried out in horror at what was happening. My thoughts went round and round—all too real. Who was he really?

  After a few minutes, I could move and drank the whole bottle of water in one breath. My stomach started to churn, and I knew I had to get out of there, and fast. I stood up slowly, holding my hand out to the doctor. “Thank you so much for taking care of me. I didn’t mean to be a bother.”

  “You weren’t a bother,” he said, his eyes earnest.

  “Sorry to have caused you so much trouble,” I said to Stephan.

  “Not at all, not at all. I enjoyed reading your presentation,” he answered. “Maybe in the near future you can become a part of the team permanently and show me how you were able to get through thousands of internet pages in such a short time.”

  Not a chance.

  I moved steadily toward the door, paying particular attention to my balance. I kept my eyes on the exit, and didn’t dare look back.

  “Thanks for letting me crash in your office, Senator,” I said, trying to leave any derision out of my voice. “Sorry about that.”

  “No problem at all. Get better,” he said. Then spine freezing words tumbled out of his mouth. “I feel like I know you. Do you live in my state?”

  My hand stopped turning the door handle, but I didn’t look back. “No, I don’t. And I don’t think we have ever met,” I said, with all honesty, trembling inside.

  “Hopefully, we will meet again under better circumstances, Christy.”

  I couldn’t nod. I pulled the door open and walked out, not sure if my heart would stay in my chest. I wondered how often healthy, almost sixteen-year-olds died of heart attacks.

  Where the heck was the FBI? Didn’t they see me walk into the lion’s den? The Senator could have done anything he wanted to me in there. I had been a sitting duck in that office.

  Mrs. J. brought me back to the hotel in a taxi. The humid, thick air seemed to choke me, intensifying my doubts and fears. This time I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted someone with guns sitting with me, keeping me awake and safe. I felt completely open and vulnerable. I couldn’t get rid of the constant chill I felt since leaving the Senate office building.

  “Let me get you a drink,” Mrs. J said, starting to stand up from my bed.

  “No,” I said, grabbing her arm. “I don’t need a drink yet.” I didn’t let go of her arm.

  “Why don’t we head down to the rec room, where it will be easier to keep you awake until Mrs. Henry gets here. We can grab a drink on our way down there.” I realized then that she needed a drink, probably a stiff one, after all the headaches I’d given her on this trip. I followed her out of the room and down the hall.

  It had been days since we’d been able to play in the rec room. Mrs. J. and I sat, watching TV for the most part, only talking occasionally. It was a little weird to be babysat, but I was glad not to be alone. Did the Senator know the men he worked with were following me? Was he faking that he didn’t know me or was he letting me know he knew? Either way, it scared me.

  Mrs. Henry arrived, and Mrs. J. darted out to meet the rest of the students back at the congressional offices. It was already five, and she only had a half an hour to get there.

  Mrs. Henry talked my ear off. She knew something about everything. I wondered if I talked people to death like she did.

  I got up to stretch my legs and looked out the window. The bus sat empty in front of the hotel.

  “Hey, Mrs. Henry,” I said. “I think it’s time for dinner. The bus is here.”

  She walked over to the window to verify what I’d said. I wondered what it must be like for the kids in her mini-group. I wondered if she verified everything.

  I opened the door to the hallway to find both Rick and Alex heading my way.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN