Redemption Lost

by Marc Avery

  “Why does age matter so much to you?”

  “I don’t want to see you get hurt or taken advantage of because of your inexperience. Senior used my naivety to deceive me,” she revealed.

  “I told you I can handle myself. I’m more mature than you think I am.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t tell you to do things because I’m perfect. It’s because I’ve been where you are. I’ve felt what you’re feeling. Your emotions are all over the place. I get that.”

  I let my guard down. “We’re in a gray area right now. More than friends, but not officially in a relationship.”

  “That’s okay right now. Relationships aren’t something to rush into. Let things happen naturally.”

  “If we do pursue a relationship, do you think you’ll ever warm up to her?” I asked.

  “I can’t promise you anything.”

  “That’s better than no,” I said and smiled.

  She smiled back and hugged me.

  “It’s my job to protect you. You may not like what I say, but I have good intentions.”

  “I know you do.”

  After my mother went out, I put Michael down for the night. Then I called Paul on his cell phone.

  “What’s up, bro?” he asked.

  “Nothing much. What’s up with you?”

  “Chillin’. I was watching CSI reruns.”

  “Guess what happened?”

  “What?”

  “Essence let me hit again.”

  “Are you serious, bro?”

  “Dead serious.”

  “I thought she wouldn’t let you near her after what happened the first time.”

  “Me too.”

  “How you feeling about her now.”

  “I just want to see where things go from here.”

  “The great thing is you don’t have to rush. Just let things happen organically. You’ll figure out what to do.”

  September

  Sex with Essence became addictive. Sometimes that’s all I could focus on. I spent at least two nights out of the week at her house cooking, cleaning, or having sex with her. Despite all of this, we still didn’t have a title, and we had been dealing with each other for a minute. Something had to give.

  In my heart, I felt like we were a couple. Pretending that we weren’t would be stupid. The bottom line was I wanted us to be together.

  Once I got back to her house after work, she came to the door wearing one of my T-shirts. Her nipples strained against the thin fabric. I could tell she just stepped out of the shower because her hair was still wet. I pulled her into a French kiss and rubbed on her ass.

  She broke the lip-lock between us and removed her shirt. I followed behind her into the dining room like an obedient puppy.

  “Have a seat. I’ll have dinner ready in a minute,” she said. Art of Noise’s “Moments in Love” played from her cell phone on the dining-room table. She set the mood perfectly.

  With lust on my mind and an empty stomach, I sat at the table horny and hungry. I didn’t know if I wanted to taste her first or what she made for dinner.

  Seeing her stand at the stove with no clothes on almost made me get up from the table and jump her bones. Patience and I weren’t the best of friends, but I damn sure waited on her.

  Fifteen minutes later, she set a plate of food in front of me. She made us gorgonzola-stuffed pork chops, sautéed garlic asparagus, and Spanish rice.

  She pulled out a bottle of red wine for the occasion.

  “One or two glasses won’t hurt you.” She opened the bottle and poured us each a glass of wine.

  After we finished dinner and the entire bottle of wine, we went to the bedroom. The buzz I had from the wine didn’t prevent me from noticing the rose petals scattered all over the bed or the massage oil on the nightstand.

  “I wanted to try something new,” she said with a mischievous grin.

  “Cool. I’m wit’ it.” I rubbed my hands together in anticipation.

  We rubbed massage oil on each other’s bodies. The foreplay became intense as we licked each other all over with no limitations.

  We tried to one-up each other. I pulled her hair, and she bit my neck. I pulled on her nipples, and she grabbed my balls. I bit her ass, and she choked me. She even slapped me across the face. I egged her on to slap me again, and she did. We played sexual ping-pong.

  I discovered I enjoyed when she hit me. Maybe not on a regular basis, but definitely some of the time when we had sex. She pulled the freak out of me.

  She pinned me down by the wrists and rode me like a wild woman. “This is how you wanted it, didn’t you?” she whispered in my ear.

  I nodded like a small child. She swiveled her hips like a porn star. She tightened her grip on my wrists; I knew she was close to an orgasm. So was I. Minutes later, we came together.

  “Damn, girl. What are you trying to do to me?” I asked, exhausted from our sexual workout.

  “I’m sorry for unleashing the freak on you.”

  “No, you’re not!” I hit her on the shoulder lightly.

  Around 2:00 a.m., I woke up out of my sleep, and Essence was almost nose to nose with me. She scared the hell out of me.

  “Anthony, can I ask you a question?” she whispered.

  “Sure, anything. What’s on your mind?” I yawned and stretched. I wouldn’t have minded going another round with her.

  “We like each other, right?” She sounded unsure.

  “Yes. Of course, we do.” I liked where this was headed.

  “And this is going somewhere, right?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Come and live with me then.” She half-smiled.

  I jumped out of the bed, hit the lamp switch, and circled around the bedroom. I thought she wanted us to be together. She went totally left.

  “You’re sending me mixed messages,” I said. “I thought you said we were just messing around with each other. You said you weren’t looking for anything serious, and at the time, I agreed with you. Now you want us to live together, just like that?” I snapped my fingers to emphasize my point. “We aren’t even together.”

  “I want us to be together,” she said and grabbed my hand.

  I softened my stance a bit. “I want us to be together too, but moving in is a huge decision for us to make.”

  “I need you next to me every night. I hate when you have to leave and go home. Don’t you?” she pleaded with me through her eyes.

  “Can I think about it and get back to you?”

  “I’m offering you a piece of my life, and you ask me can you think about it? Maybe we don’t have the connection I thought we had.” She roughly pulled the covers over herself and turned away from me.

  I walked over to the other side of the bed so I could look into her eyes. “That’s not true. We most definitely have a connection with each other.”

  “Sounds like all I am to you is a booty call.” I could’ve sworn I saw tears in her eyes. Seeing she was hurt, I tried to console her.

  “Don’t touch me! I can’t believe how selfish you are.” She yelled and left me standing there looking stupid.

  Feeling like shit, I put my clothes back on and called an Uber. Once the Uber pulled up to her house, I hopped in. I wanted to be with Essence, and obviously, she wanted to be with me too, but I wanted my own apartment. I had to find a way to tell her that without hurting her feelings.

  Easier said than done.

  I also didn’t want to seem like I was abandoning my mother and Michael. It was a lot to think about. I couldn’t wait to go home and get drunk.

  When we got to my block, I paid the Uber driver and went in the house and straight to the kitchen. I took several shots of vodka to calm my nerves.

  Before I knew it, I had drunk enough vodka to convince myself to at least consider moving in with Essence . . . although moving out meant I would be leaving my mother and little brother behind.

  Maybe it was time to leave the nest.

  Maybe it wasn�
��t.

  Only time would tell if I was right.

  September

  I drowned myself in vodka again the next afternoon to build up the confidence to talk to my mother about the possibility of moving in with Essence. To hide the vodka smell, I brushed my teeth three times and gargled with mouthwash.

  I sat down at the dining-room table with my mother. “I wanted to run something by you,” I said and sipped iced tea.

  “Go ahead. I’m listening.”

  “What do you think about me moving out of here?”

  She smiled. “I think that’s great. You either found a place or you’re looking for one, right?”

  “Not exactly.”

  “What do you mean not exactly?” she asked and made air quotes.

  “Essence and I are becoming serious and—”

  She cut me off. “And she thinks you should move in with her.”

  I swallowed hard. “Yes.”

  “Wow. She thinks for you too,” she said sarcastically.

  I closed my eyes and rubbed my forehead. “Essence and I will be together. At this point, I don’t care if you approve. I was just asking your opinion as a courtesy. I haven’t made up my mind yet anyway.”

  She leaned back in her chair and smirked. “I guess you got it all figured out, huh?”

  “No. I don’t have it all figured out. I’ve found somebody that I like a lot, and my mother refuses to be happy for me.”

  “The bottom line is, she’s too old for you. Why can’t you see that?”

  “Your age excuse is getting really old. You need to focus on something else.” I slapped the table.

  “Having a relationship with an older woman is one thing. Moving in with her will be much worse. If you make this decision, and it fails, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  “I’m eighteen years old now. I’ll be the judge if I’m making a bad decision.”

  “Excuse me? Repeat what you said. I didn’t understand you.” She cupped her ear.

  “You heard me,” I said defiantly.

  “So now you’re grown all of a sudden? You could’ve fooled me.”

  “Yes, I’m grown. I don’t ask you for anything, and I pay my own way around here.”

  She clapped. “Welcome to adulthood. You don’t get an award for paying your bills. If you want to be real, you aren’t doing much.”

  With anger blinding my vision, I jumped out of my seat and stood in her face. Anger bubbled inside of me like a pot of boiling water.

  “This isn’t about Essence’s age. This is about you needing help with Michael. He’s not my son. He’s my little brother. It would be wise of you to remember that.”

  “You can be so damn selfish sometimes, just like your father.”

  Her words jabbed at me like a knife. Obviously, she enjoyed pushing my buttons.

  My eyes grew wide. “I’ll make this easy for both of us. I’m out of here.”

  She looked disappointed, and I couldn’t have cared less.

  As I stormed out the door, I heard her talking, but I ignored what she said. When I got outside, I called Paul on his cell phone.

  “What’s up, bro?”

  “I had a fight with my mom, and I need to get out of here.”

  “You wanna hit up Dave & Buster’s?”

  My face lit up like Christmas lights. “Hell yeah.”

  “I’m on my way.”

  I hated being at odds with my mother, but in my eyes, she continued to play me. If she wanted to be a jackass, I could be one too. Going out to Dave & Buster’s would give me the distraction I desperately needed.

  When Paul pulled up on me, I hopped in the truck, and we shook hands.

  “Now I can bust your ass again in basketball,” I said as Paul pulled off.

  Paul smirked. “Not a snowball’s chance in hell, bro.”

  My cell phone buzzed in my pocket. It was a text message from Essence.

  Until you can make a decision on moving in with me, don’t expect us to have sex.

  September

  I didn’t respond to Essence’s text message. The fact that she tried to use sex to force me into a decision disappointed me. I refused to communicate with her or my mother.

  Feeling aggravated, I got caught up in a vicious cycle of sleepwalking through work, and then coming home and getting wasted. Waffling between staying at my mother’s house, getting my own apartment, and moving in with Essence made me hit the bottle harder.

  I also wanted my mother to respect my decision-making skills. She had a responsibility to protect me, but she also had to know the right time to let go. This was that time.

  The only positive to come out of the situation was that I amped up my efforts to get my screenplays noticed. I bought ad space, e-mail lists, and entered my screenplays into a few contests.

  Paul offered to let me crash at his place until I figured out what to do next. I took him up on his offer.

  Unfortunately, I needed some clothes and stuff, and I had to go to my mother’s house to get them. I planned to get in and out of the house without seeing or speaking with her.

  I tried to unlock the front door, and for some reason, my key didn’t work. I tried several more times before I gave up.

  “What the hell is going on?” I said to myself.

  The door swung open.

  “I had the locks changed,” my mother said dryly.

  I shrugged. “No problem. I just came by to get some of my stuff anyways. I’ll be out of your way in a minute.”

  She followed me upstairs. “So, you don’t have anything to say to me?”

  “Nope.” I went into my bedroom to get some books and clothes. I was tired of wearing Paul’s stuff.

  “Anthony, we really need to talk.”

  I turned and faced her after I put my things in an old book bag. “About what? You made your point very clear the last time we talked.”

  “I understand you’re growing, but it’s my job to give you the best advice I can.”

  “What if the advice is wrong? You ever think of that?”

  “I’m two minutes from popping you in your smart-assed mouth.”

  “Do you wanna fight me, Mom? Will that make you feel better?” I asked, my arms out wide.

  “If you could stop being so damn stubborn that would make me feel better.”

  “I have to make the best decision for me. Whatever that is.”

  She caressed my face lovingly. “I don’t want you to have any regrets.”

  I pulled away from her and scowled. “I won’t.”

  “I really hope not.”

  I walked back downstairs to the front door. She followed me.

  “I just want what’s best for you.”

  “I know.” I didn’t bother turning around to face her.

  “I don’t want you to go.”

  “I’m sorry, Mom. I have to.” I put my hand on the doorknob.

  “Don’t do this because you’re mad at me,” she said and let the tears fall.

  “I’m not.” I turned around and hugged her before I left the house.

  My phone went off when I got outside. Essence’s name popped up on the caller ID. I thought about ignoring the call but then decided against it. If I wanted a future with this woman, I couldn’t ignore her forever. Something had to give.

  She went right in. “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Sure,” I said and played along.

  “What are we?”

  “I thought we were just kicking it with each other.”

  “So we aren’t a couple?”

  “I don’t know. You tell me.”

  “I would like us to be a couple.”

  I couldn’t help but smile.

  “I feel the same way.”

  “And I’m sorry for giving you a sex ultimatum.”

  “It’s water under the bridge now.”

  Just like that, we were official, and man, did it feel good. I realized in the moment how stupid it was for us to not be speaking.


  “I won’t pressure you into moving in with me, though. Either you want to or don’t.”

  “I don’t have a problem moving in with you. I just always wanted a place to call my own.”

  “I been there, so I totally understand. I do think I can persuade you to come and live with me.”

  “How so?” She piqued my interest.

  “I’m lying here in the bed naked. Won’t you come over here and find out?”

  I felt my manhood swell. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.” I ended the call.

  I needed to find out how persuasive Essence could be.

  October

  After debating with myself, and then having another long discussion with Essence, I decided to move in with her. She sold me on how much money I would save by splitting the mortgage with her instead paying rent by myself. Paying five hundred a month instead of a thousand was a no-brainer. She also encouraged me to use the extra money to further my film career, and that endeared me to her.

  I always had my mother to lean on, and now I had to build a solid foundation with Essence. The opportunity excited me. Being able to have sex with Essence anytime I wanted to didn’t hurt either.

  “Anthony,” Paul yelled from the living room.

  “What’s up?” I asked as I stood in the bathroom mirror.

  “Essence is calling you on your phone.”

  “Okay.” I splashed water on my face and then patted it dry with a hand towel.

  I went into the living room and sent Essence a text message.

  She sent me a text back saying she would be at Paul’s apartment in five or ten minutes.

  “You sure about moving in with her?” Paul asked. He sounded uncertain.

  “I’m 100 percent sure.”

  “I hope you’re right, bro.”

  “You think I’m crazy, don’t you?”

  “I don’t think you’re crazy. I think moving in with her is premature.”

  “How so?”

  “When two people aren’t on even ground, that can create problems. Be careful. That’s all I’m saying.”

  “I hear you.”

  My phone vibrated with another text message from Essence.