Redemption Lost

by Marc Avery

  “Seriously, I’m not playing with you.”

  “Shhh,” she said and put her finger on my lips. We locked eyes, and she kissed me. Her hands were everywhere at once. She bit my neck and my earlobe. She knew all my sweet spots. I didn’t want this to be about sex, but she obviously did. I was at her command. Everything in my brain told me not to get sucked up in her sexual vortex. Everything in my pants said the direct opposite of what my brain yelled.

  Her perfume kept me at attention, and her kisses had me breathing heavy with weak knees. Soon enough, we were down in the basement butt-naked.

  I ripped her lavender-colored thong off and licked her from her neck to her feet, making sure to stop and suck on her clit. She moaned in delight.

  “Put it in,” she begged me.

  Holding her ankles, I pushed her legs against her shoulders and went inside her raw. Big mistake. Her warmness felt like home. She took it all the way to the hilt as I stretched her insides out with my thickness. I started off slow and then built up speed as I went deeper into the abyss. The sound of our skin smacking together bounced off the walls in the basement. Sweat covered our arms, legs, and foreheads. Every stroke brought me closer to coming. I bit her shoulder it was so damn good.

  “I missed you so much, baby,” she whispered in my ear.

  “I missed you too.”

  After a few more strokes, we came together, and then snuggled. As soon as we caught our breath, Essence went right in.

  “Can we start over?” she asked.

  “You cheated on me, and that shit is unforgivable.”

  Visions of her with Austin almost made me kick her out of the house.

  “I made a terrible mistake, Anthony. I beat myself up about it every day. All I’m asking for is one more chance. One more chance to show you how much I’m in love with you.” She put her hand on my chest.

  I looked in her eyes and tried to find something other than sincerity, but I couldn’t. Her words seemed genuine. How could you hate a person and love them in the same breath? It was mind-boggling to me.

  “If I see you with him again, you and I are done forever,” I said with finality.

  “It won’t happen again. I promise,” she said and grabbed my hand to emphasize her words.

  She had some type of hold on me. I hated that I loved her so much. I just hoped she didn’t break my heart again, because I don’t know if I could take it.

  * * *

  Three days later, I stumbled into the bathroom, and when I went to pee, my dick felt like it was on fire. I immediately called my doctor’s office, and they fit me in on a Tuesday.

  The next day, I rushed into the office and hoped I got prescribed some strong pain meds. After fifteen minutes of waiting, my doctor came out and we went into an empty exam room.

  “What happened, sweetheart?” the doctor asked.

  “I tried to pee, and it burned.”

  She put her hand on my shoulder and gave me a sympathetic look. “Let’s run a couple of tests and see what we come up with.”

  November

  The four days I waited for the STD test results were excruciating. Before work, my cell phone rang, and I noticed the doctor’s office number on the caller ID. I swallowed hard before I answered the phone as I paced around my bedroom.

  “Good morning, Anthony,” the doctor said.

  “Good morning,” I said feeling like nothing would be good about it.

  “As you know I’m calling with your test results.”

  “Yes.”

  “You have gonorrhea, but it’s treatable.”

  My legs went weak, and I felt like I might throw up.

  “How bad is it?”

  “You’re going to be okay. I sent a prescription to your pharmacy. Take all your medication, and within a week or so, it will be out of your system.”

  I exhaled the breath I was holding in. “Are you serious?”

  “As a heart attack.”

  “Thank you, Doctor Ross.”

  “You just be careful next time.”

  “I will.”

  She softened the blow somewhat. Although I still planned to choke the life out of Austin and Essence, the news was less deflating. I always had fears of catching an STD. I never thought I would catch one from someone that I loved.

  After I got the news, I picked up the prescription at my pharmacy for antibiotics.

  Once I got home from work that night, I found out where Austin lived by pulling up the picture I took of his pill bottle at Essence’s house.

  I made the trip to North Philly.

  * * *

  He lived in a terrible neighborhood that had abandoned houses and people selling drugs out in the open. I got a bad vibe when I got on his block. I spotted his black BMW right away parked in front of a modest-looking home.

  As soon as we made eye contact he twisted his face up. Then he got off the steps and approached me. Two guys trailed him.

  He blew cigarette smoke in my face. “Talk that shit now.”

  I looked in all three of their faces before I punched Austin in the jaw, kicked one in the nuts, and rushed the third one. Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my shoulder where I got hit with a 40-oz bottle. When I fell to the ground, I curled into a ball to fight off the kicks and punches that rained down on me. If I got the chance to get up, I planned to kick all of their asses.

  Luckily for me, police sirens blared in the distance, and Austin and his friends scattered off the block. The police cruiser hopped the curb, and the officers spilled out of the car and helped me to my feet.

  “You all right, son?” one of the wide receiver-built officers asked.

  “Yes, sir. Thanks for helping me up.” I held my sore ribs and winced because of the pain in my shoulder.

  “Do you know who did this to you?”

  “No.”

  “You sure?” he asked skeptically.

  “I’m sure.”

  “You need a lift, son?” the officer offered.

  “No, thank you, sir. I’m going to catch the bus.”

  “You be safe out here.” He spoke into his shoulder walkie-talkie before getting back into his car.

  “I’ll try.”

  I had a few cuts and bruises, but nothing major. My sides were on fire, and I wished I had a chance to go one-on-one with Austin again.

  As I sat on the air-conditioned bus, I felt embarrassed. I fought some idiot twice because of a woman worth less than bubblegum on the bottom of my shoe.

  Back home, I cleaned myself up with peroxide and cotton balls. I took off my torn T-shirt and lay on my bed. Then I grabbed my phone and sent Essence a text message:

  The fact that you gave me a STD is very sad. You need to get yourself checked or you might have known already. Either way, fuck you very much.

  I hit send and felt a thousand times better.

  Now, I had to be more guarded with my heart than I already was.

  December

  The gonorrhea wasn’t in my system anymore, my job was awesome, people were feeling my movie, and I felt like I was getting closer to Mia. Instead of just surface-level stuff, we got into some personal things.

  I told her about my nasty breakup with Essence, and how my agent search was going. She let me know about how she moved here from New Jersey after an abusive relationship and a job change.

  I could listen to her talk on the phone all day because her voice was so damn sexy.

  Not wanting to waste any more time than I already had, I decided to call her up and ask her out.

  I was a little scared, though. What if this led to something? What if I had to put my heart out there again? Was I even ready for that? I threw caution to the wind and dialed her number anyway.

  “Hey, you,” she said.

  “What’s up?”

  “Nothing. What’s up with you?” she asked cheerily.

  “Thinking about you.” I kept shifting positions on the bed.

  “Oh, really? What were you thinking about?”


  “How sexy you are.”

  “Are you getting fresh with me?”

  “Yes, I am.”

  “You better watch your mouth before it gets you into trouble.”

  “What if I want to get into trouble?” I said feeling bold.

  “Oh, I can help you.”

  Things got hot real quick, and I turned the heat down.

  “I know we agreed to take things slow, but I wanted to see you again and maybe grab a bite to eat.”

  “That sounds good to me. What day did you have in mind?”

  “How about this Saturday coming up?”

  “Well . . . I have a job fair at the Sheraton Hotel in West Philly that day. You can come hang out with me and we can go out after.”

  “I’m looking forward to seeing you again.”

  “Me too.”

  Just thinking about her perfect body and sexy voice turned me on. I couldn’t wait to see her Saturday.

  December

  Saturday came quickly. I spent the first half of the day cleaning the house getting rid of nervous energy. Around 5:00 p.m. that night I stood in the conference room at the job fair waiting for Mia to show up.

  Ten minutes later, she came over to me, and I couldn’t stop staring and smiling at her. Her breasts looked even bigger, and her pedicure and short skirt were on point.

  We hugged, and I didn’t want to let go of her.

  “Hey, mister. Can you do me a big favor?” she asked.

  “Sure.”

  “Can you go to my truck and get the box off the backseat?”

  “Okay.” I took her keys, got the box out of her truck, and came back into the job fair.

  “Where do you want me to put this?” I asked.

  “Over there,” Mia said and pointed.

  We walked over to a table in the middle of the room.

  For the next hour and a half, I watched Mia work her magic with the crowd. She had a natural talent for public speaking and had a magnetic personality. She spoke with so much passion and had the people engaged. I was proud to see her up there doing her thing. People stood around her booth as she talked about the company she worked for and the benefits of working there. The small crowd of people had their choice of what booths they could go to, and they chose hers. Her spiel was believable, and people rushed the table to get applications and business cards. Seeing her in her element made me want her even more.

  After the job fair ended, I helped her pack up and put the marketing materials back in her truck.

  We ended up at a place called Distrito in University City and sat by the window.

  “What do you suggest?” she asked looking at the menu.

  “This is my first time here. I found it on the Internet.”

  She smiled that beautiful smile of hers. “Nothing wrong with trying new things.”

  “I couldn’t agree more.” I smiled back.

  Mia ordered enchiladas, and I had the carne Kobe tacos. We ate, drank Sangrias, and enjoyed each other’s company.

  “You did your thing tonight,” I said.

  “Thank you. I hope we get some good applications.”

  “I’m sure you guys will.”

  “I’m glad you asked me out.”

  “Me too. I just had to see you again.”

  “I hope we never go that long without seeing each other anymore.” She looked me in the eye.

  “We won’t,” I said and reached across the table to touch her hand.

  She changed the subject. “How is your agent search coming along?”

  “I haven’t heard anything yet, but I’m still hopeful.”

  “They’ll contact you. I can feel it.”

  “I hope so, because this is the only thing I’ve ever dreamed of doing. I gotta make it big in Hollywood. There literally is nothing else.” I slammed my fist into my palm to emphasize my point.

  “If I can help in any way, let me know. You speak with the kind of passion that can’t be faked. I want to see you make it to the top. Just don’t forget the small people when you make it there,” she said smiling.

  “Those words mean a lot to me. And trust me, you would be hard to forget,” I said slickly.

  For a moment we stared into each other’s eyes. The lustful thoughts running through my head excited the hell out of me.

  “I have to get home soon,” I said to break the silence.

  “You’re right. Let’s get you out of here, mister.” She smiled at me.

  Back at my mother’s house, she kissed me on the cheek and wiped her lip gloss off my face with her thumb.

  “Call me later on,” she said.

  “I definitely will.” I got out of the truck and watched her drive away. Mia intrigued me.

  I didn’t know if that was a good or a bad thing.

  December

  I needed to get an old flash drive from Essence’s house, and then I would be completely done with her. I was on a mission, and no make-up sex would derail me this time.

  I still had a key to her spot, and I was surprised that it actually worked. I assumed she would get the locks changed. I could get in and get out without speaking to her.

  Moving as quickly as I could, I found the flash drive in one of the dresser drawers in the bedroom. When I looked around the bedroom, all sorts of emotions hit me like sucker punches. This was the first place where we made love. We held each other in that bed and fell asleep laughing at old Martin episodes in that bed. I paid my first real bill in this house. This place was also where she broke my heart. Now it was all up in smoke because Essence couldn’t keep her panties on. Just as quickly as I became nostalgic, I kicked the dresser in frustration when I thought about how dirty she did me.

  The sound of the front door closing downstairs broke up my memories.

  As I came downstairs, Essence looked up at me with her hands on her hips and her head cocked to the side. “What the hell are you doing in my house?”

  “I got what I came for, and I’m out,” I said and tried to get by her.

  She got in my face and blocked my path. “You’re a coward to leave me here with all these bills.”

  “All these bills?” I asked incredulously. “You had these bills before I got here. Maybe the food bill went up a little, but nobody told you to get a new car. Your decisions. Your problems. Fuck outta here.”

  “I needed a real man,” she yelled and put her finger in my face. “And that’s exactly why I cheated on you.”

  Her words cut me deep, but I smiled anyway. “Very nice, Essence. Your real man gave you gonorrhea, and you gave it to me. So fuck you and your real man.” I made air quotations.

  “Fuck you and your little-ass dick,” she shot back.

  I busted out laughing at that one. “Don’t play yourself. You and I both know the truth. I hope you took your meds. I’m gone.”

  I went to the front door.

  “That’s why your dad left you, and your mom is an uneducated bitch,” she said and punched me in the back of the head.

  Without thinking, I turned around and slapped her in the mouth. When she slammed into the wall, I got scared.

  “Shit,” I said. I tried to help her up, but she pulled her hand away.

  She wiped tears from her eyes and blood from her lip. Seeing that I had hurt her broke my heart into tiny pieces.

  She pulled her cell phone out of her pocket.

  “What are you doing?” I asked trying not to panic.

  “I’m calling the cops on your black ass!” she yelled.

  I ran out of her house. I wasn’t sticking around for the police to lock me up. I shouldn’t have put my hands on her, but I also wasn’t trying to go to jail either.

  * * *

  I went straight to my mother’s house, and she stood in the kitchen sipping tea. My facial expression must have said it all.

  “Let’s go in the living room so we can talk,” she said.

  My mother and I sat on the couch. Images of me hitting Essence flooded my mind.

  “
Where do I start?” I leaned back on the couch.

  She patted me on the hand. “At the beginning, baby.”

  “I made a terrible mistake today, and I put my hands on Essence.”

  My mother looked at me shocked. “What happened?”

  “It was in the heat of the moment. She hit me first, and I reacted without thinking.”

  “I don’t condone violence against women. You know that. However, I understand mistakes happen. You have to think before you act, son. You hear me?” She grabbed my chin.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “What were you over there for?”

  “I needed to get an old flash drive.”

  “She call the cops on you?”

  “Yes.” I looked at the ground.

  “Remember this moment and move on.”

  “How do I move on and be with another woman after all this drama?”

  “If you happen to meet a nice young lady, you take things one step at a time. Go as slow as you possibly can. There is no need to rush.”

  January

  The only bright spots in my life were my mother and Mia. Lately, Mia was in my head a lot. I could smell her perfume, hear her voice, and imagine her touch. I became addicted to her energy.

  I needed to see her, so I had her meet me at a hole-in-the-wall sports bar. I figured I could kill two birds with one stone. We could see each other, and she could meet Paul too.

  Paul and I sat at the bar nursing drinks.

  “Can I still count you in for a donation to the big brother mentorship program?” Paul asked and sipped his beer.

  I looked at him like he was crazy. “Of course, man. We can’t have them out here with raggedy uniforms.”

  “I appreciate that. Pretty soon, we’ll have enough money to start the basketball tournament.”

  “Anything I can do to help.” I finished my drink and ordered another one.

  “I got some good news.”

  “What’s up, bro?” Paul asked.

  “Remember the girl Mia I told you about?”

  “Of course.”

  “She’s supposed to meet me here tonight.”

  “It be cool to meet her, bro.”