Redemption Lost
Page 15
“No, Mom. I need you to stay.” I stood firm.
“You know how I feel about you being with older women.”
“Yes, I do, but you’re prejudging Mia. She’s nothing like Essence. Not even close.”
“Oh really?” she said, unconvinced.
“That’s one of the best things about her.”
We all laughed.
“All jokes aside, Ms. Porter, I want the best for Anthony, just like you do. Having your blessing would mean a lot to us. If you’re not okay with this, we won’t do it.”
My mother looked Mia and me in the eyes and sighed. When her shoulders slumped, I saw a glimmer of hope.
“Okay.” She gave Mia a handshake and held her hand. “But if you hurt my baby, I’m on your ass.”
“Understood,” Mia said and smiled.
Just like that, the ice was broken.
“Can we all eat now?” I asked.
“Sure,” my mother said.
For a few hours we ate tacos, drank soda, and talked about any and everything. They even bonded over their love for reality television. I wanted no part of that conversation.
“Dinner was great, baby,” my mother said. “We have to do this again sometime.”
“Yes, we do,” I agreed. “And thank you for the slow cooker.”
“No problem . . . It was nice to meet you, Mia.”
“Likewise.”
“You take care of yourself.”
“I will.” They hugged each other.
My mother and I stepped into the hallway.
“I’m sorry for how I acted earlier.”
“You don’t have to apologize, Mom.”
“The truth is, I’m weary of these little fast-ass women. But I get a good vibe from Mia. I can tell she’s intelligent. I just hope Mia’s the one that makes you happy.”
“Me too.” I hugged her. “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, baby.”
I hugged her again before she went to the elevator, and I went back inside the apartment.
“I’m sorry about how my mother acted earlier,” I said.
“There’s no need to be sorry. She’s just protective over you. Any mother would be.”
We sat on the couch.
“In her eyes, I’m always going to be little Anthony. I guess I can understand where she’s coming from.”
“Seeing how messed up in the head Essence was, I’m not even mad at your mother.”
I smiled.
“You want a drink?” I asked.
“Sure. What do you have?”
“I have vodka and orange juice.”
“Pour me one.”
“Coming right up.”
I fixed her a drink, and I had vodka straight up.
We laughed, drank, and talked for a while. She was easy to talk to, and she listened. That was one of the sexiest things about her.
After our last drinks, she grabbed my crotch, and I didn’t stop her this time. We were way past due at that point.
I touched her too.
“I can’t wait anymore. I need you now,” Mia said with lust in her eyes, desire in her voice, and aggression in her touch.
As a response, I grabbed her waist as we kissed passionately. I unzipped her dress and took off her bra. Her huge breasts spilled forth, and I sucked on her chocolate nipples like a milk-deprived infant. She threw her head back in ecstasy.
We rushed into the bedroom and as soon as we stepped foot in there, I got naked too. We couldn’t keep our hands to ourselves.
“Lie on your stomach,” she said to me seductively.
I did as I was told.
When I got on the bed, she massaged my shoulders and went down to my lower back too.
“You like that?” she whispered in my ear.
All I could do was nod.
When she finished massaging me, she got on the bed, took her thong off, and sat on my face. She tasted so sweet.
She rode my face as I tickled her clit with my tongue.
“Yes . . . Yessss, Anthony. Make me come.”
Ten minutes later, I put a condom on and stroked her slowly until she begged me to go harder.
Two orgasms later, she was snoring. With her in my arms, I lay awake, unable to sleep. An episode of Martin was on where he thought he might be a father. It made me think of being a father myself. What the hell had I gotten myself into?
June
Four months later . . .
Over the last four months of Essence’s pregnancy, I communicated with her through text message. They usually said something along the lines of, how’s the baby doing or are you okay, and nothing more. I put money to the side so that when the baby came, Essence wouldn’t be in a financial hole. I decided to be proactive with fatherhood.
I did my research on the stages of pregnancy, and by my calculation, Essence would’ve been showing. Although we weren’t on the best of terms, I made sure to check up on her from time to time. She broke my heart, but she was also the mother of my child.
One day, I went to visit her at her house. She answered the door, and I smiled proudly when I saw her full belly.
“Now is not a good time, Anthony,” Essence said . . . and looked over her shoulder.
“Is something wrong?” I asked.
Before she could respond, Austin came downstairs eating a bowl of cereal.
“What is this dude doing here?” Austin asked, standing behind Essence.
“I could ask you the same thing.”
“I live here now,” he said with a smug grin.
“You let this asshole live here now?” I yelled.
I didn’t have a claim on her anymore, but he being around her made me uncomfortable.
“Please stop yelling. You’re upsetting the baby, and I could go into labor early.”
“Yeah, pipe down, my dude,” he said and smirked.
“Fuck you!” I yelled and bumped into Essence’s stomach by accident. She grabbed her belly and closed her eyes. I tried to console her, but Austin came around her and stood in my way.
She finally opened her eyes back up. “Anthony, I think you need to go.”
“But Esse—” I began.
“Now!” she yelled as the tears fell.
I gave Austin one last dirty look before I bounced.
* * *
After I hit her in the stomach by accident she wouldn’t return any of my phone calls or text messages. I just wanted to know that she and the baby were okay. Eventually, I stopped trying to call her. I wouldn’t be the cause of any pregnancy complications.
To keep myself in the loop, I parked near her house and watched her. I grabbed the vodka off the passenger seat and took the bottle to the head.
Essence wanted to be surprised by the bay’s gender, but I wanted a little boy. I wouldn’t mind him being a junior either. I would teach him how to be a man. Despite what Senior did to me and my mom, I would do my best not to let him down.
This particular day, I followed Essence to her doctor’s office. I punished the bottle of vodka and read an Alex Cross novel. When she came out of the doctor’s office, she went to the King of Prussia Mall.
Essence parked in the parking lot, and I made sure when she parked I kept on driving. Since she moved a little slower due to the pregnancy, I could keep up with her easier.
She talked on her cell phone as she went into the front entrance. I kept my distance, and when she got a few feet inside the mall, I went in after her.
She went to the second floor. She got some jewelry and perfume before she went into Gap Kids.
I walked past the store and sat on a bench two stores down. She left the store twenty minutes later with three bags. Once she got down the escalator and out of sight, I bolted off the bench and burst into the store.
I went up to the counter, and the guy there smiled at me. “How can I help you, sir?”
I leaned in so only he and I could hear the conversation. “My baby mom just came in her. She was the pregnant woman
with the blue shirt.”
“Okay . . .” he said as his voice trailed off into uncertainty.
“I need to know what she bought.”
He looked around cautiously before answering me. “She bought a lot of baby clothes.”
“A boy or a girl?”
“A boy,” he said and smiled.
My heart swelled with pride, and I couldn’t wipe the goofy smile off my face. I would be bringing a piece of me into the world. Someone to carry on my legacy long after I’m gone.
August
Lately, all I could think about was the avalanche of responsibility about to be dumped on me. By my estimation, Essence was due in a month, and time was ticking.
I used the last few months to replenish my savings account. I worked OT at my job, and my Vimeo account was healthy. So money wasn’t an issue. I was ready to embrace fatherhood.
The phone reception in the break room at my job sucked, so I missed calls sometimes. I noticed I had an awaiting voice message. It was from Essence:
The baby came a month premature.
Her phone kept going to voice mail when I called her. I called every hospital in Philadelphia until I found her. She checked into CHOP in University City.
My boss gave me permission to leave, and I drove to the hospital like a madman. I didn’t care about the speed limit or anybody else on the road. I beeped the horn and went around the slower drivers. The hospital appeared on my right twenty minutes later. I found a parking spot on the street and sprinted inside and up to the front desk.
“Hello, ma’am, my girlfriend is in the maternity ward here. I need to know what room she’s in,” I said.
“What’s her name, sweetheart?”
“Essence Dwyer.”
“This your first child?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Congratulations.”
“Thank you,” I said, smiling.
She clicked some keys on her computer. “She’s in room six B.”
Bursting with joy, I sprinted to the elevator and kept pushing the number “6” like I would get upstairs faster. When the doors opened, I zoomed around the corner and went inside the cold hospital room. By the time I got up there, she had already delivered him.
Essence’s mother, father, and a few of the hospital staff were there. Ignoring her parents’ sharp stares, I stared at the name tag on the bassinet which read: Tristan. I wished I had the opportunity to pick his name, but I was just glad he was here and healthy. Nothing else mattered.
I felt the tears, but I wouldn’t let her parents see me cry. My hands shook, and I felt jittery. When I saw his pale skin, head of curly hair, and frail body, my heart ached. I wanted to scoop him up and take him home, but I knew I couldn’t. I felt powerless and hoped for a speedy recovery so my son could get out of there as quickly as possible.
“So nice of you to join us, Anthony,” Essence said as she lay in the hospital bed.
“Maybe if you called me before you delivered him I would’ve been here.” I didn’t even notice that I had raised my voice.
Her father stepped in my face. “Don’t talk to my daughter like that, you little punk.” He jabbed his finger in my chest.
I looked him in his eyes so he knew I wasn’t scared. “It would be in your best interest not to put your hands on me.”
“Or what?” her father challenged me.
“Touch me again and find out.”
By this time, Essence’s mother grabbed his arm and said, “Not here, Robert.”
My baby boy was hooked up to too many fucking tubes to count, and these two idiots wanted to be assholes. I wasn’t for it. After I said a prayer over my son I left the room.
When I got in the hallway I sent a group text message to my mother, Mia, and Paul to let them know the baby came.
That was the best day of my life, and I looked forward to the challenges of fatherhood.
September
Tristan stayed in the hospital for a month while they ran tests and monitored his progress.
With a heavy heart and fear of the unknown, I visited him every day he was under the hospital’s care. Seeing him hooked up to tubes felt like a punch in the stomach.
For the first three weeks, Essence and I didn’t speak to each other until I decided to be the adult in the situation.
I asked her to follow me into the lounge area near the vending machines so we could talk. We sat down in chairs next to each other.
“We need a solid plan for our son,” I began.
“I just want you to be an active father in Tristan’s life.”
“I plan to be, but I’m going to need your help. Just like you’re going to need mines.”
“I know,” she said barely above a whisper.
Sometimes she could tug at my heartstrings so easily.
“Then we need to work together.”
She sighed. “Okay. We can work together.”
I touched her hand. “I never thought we would end up here.”
“Me either.”
“From here forward, we’ll help each other coparent. Deal?” I asked.
“Deal,” she repeated.
We stood, and I pulled her in for a hug.
“And I’m sorry for—”
“Water under the bridge.” I cut her off and headed for the elevator.
At the end of the day this wasn’t about Essence or me. It was about the well-being of Tristan, and that’s where I wanted to keep it at.
As soon as Tristan got out of the hospital, I called Essence, and we agreed to meet at her house so I could see him. Austin wasn’t there, and I decided to have Mia come with me for moral support.
“I can’t wait for you to see him,” I said as I flew through the yellow traffic light.
“I can’t wait either.”
When we got to Essence’s house, I parked across the street.
Mia and I hopped out of the truck and held hands. Just as we got on to Essence’s front steps, she answered the door with a smile on her face. When she saw Mia, she immediately grilled her.
“Who’s this bitch?” Essence asked.
“You gon’ find out if you call me out my name again.”
“Listen here, Miss Thi—”
I cut Essence off. “I didn’t come here for you to argue with my girl.”
“Your girl?” Essence asked in a deflated tone.
“Yes. My girlfriend.”
“Why would you bring her here?”
“That’s irrelevant. I’m here to see my son.”
Essence smiled devilishly. “If you two idiots don’t leave right now, I’m calling the cops and telling them y’all tried to jump me.”
“Let me give you a reason then,” Mia said and lunged for Essence, who moved just in the nick of time.
I decided not to chance it and pulled Mia back toward the truck.
“This ain’t over, Essence. I can promise you that,” I said.
“Whatever, Anthony. Get ready to start paying child support.” She slammed her door shut.
“That little girl is lucky I didn’t bust her upside the head.”
I had a mind to let Mia beat the brakes off Essence.
“I’m going to go at her another way.”
“What did you have in mind?”
“I’m going to file for joint custody.”
October
While I waited to get the custody paperwork back from the court I did everything in my power to see Tristan. I showed up at Essence’s house, and she was never home. One night I actually slept in my truck outside her home. She neither came out nor in. In fact, I never saw the lights in her house go on. I suspected she might have been staying somewhere else, but I had no idea because she wouldn’t answer my calls, text messages, or e-mails. I even went by her job, and they told me she was taking time off. I was desperate and at the end of my rope. I didn’t know what to do until one day, out of the blue, she called me.
I answered the phone, “About time you called me back.”
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“You can come and get Tristan.”
Not caring why she was letting me see my baby on a random Wednesday night, I eagerly accepted her offer. “I’ll be there.”
Usually when I went to Essence’s house, there was some type of drama associated with my visit. It felt good to be going there under normal circumstances. I wanted to see my boy and that was it.
When I got there, she answered the door with a smile and moved to the side so I could come in. I sat on the couch.
“Make yourself comfortable. You want something to drink? Water? Soda?”
“I’m okay. Thank you.” I was all business.
“All right. Give me a minute, and I’ll be right back.” Essence disappeared upstairs.
I picked up a magazine off the coffee table and flipped through the pages.
Out of nowhere, Essence stood in front of me wearing purple lingerie and way too much perfume.
“What the hell are you doing?” I scooted over to the other end of the couch to avoid her touching me.
She sat next to me. I jumped up to get away from her, and she pinned me against the wall by the wrists. She tried to kiss me on the lips, but I turned away, so she kissed me on the cheek. Her lips on me made my skin crawl and stomach flip. She did nothing for me anymore. I would rather kiss a public toilet seat then to have her touch me ever again.
She tried to grab my crotch, and that’s when I broke free and pushed her away.
“Where is he, Essence?” I fell into one of her manipulative traps again. I could’ve kicked myself for being so stupid.
“Why? I need you to focus on me,” she yelled with a crazed look in her eyes.
I thought she had mental issues before. I knew for sure now. Frustrated, I ran upstairs to look for Tristan. She was talking, but I ignored her.
I punched the wall when I realized Tristan’s room was empty. I rushed back downstairs and got in her face.
“Where the fuck is he?”
“With my parents.” She trailed her finger along my shoulder.
I shook my head. “You played me yet again.”
“Anthony, if I’m not happy . . .” She put her hands on her hips and craned her neck. “. . . you won’t be either.”