The Search for Soaring Hawk

by Terry O'Reilly

  Gus turned in his saddle and called to Sam, “That dog o’ yours is happy to be on his way.”

  “How can you tell he’s happy?” Sam called back.

  “Look at that tail, curled up high on his back. If he weren’t happy, you could tell. That tail would be hangin’ down behind.”

  Although it was still early spring, the sun in the cloudless sky made the day warm. By afternoon, the men had shed their jackets and rode comfortably in their shirtsleeves. When they came to a tributary transformed by a beaver dam into a small pond, Garrett decided it was time to make camp for the night.

  The task of setting up camp produced a sweat. Garrett took off his shirt and walked to the edge of the pond, squatting to rinse away the grime of the trail. Sam had his first look at the man’s naked chest and back. Garrett’s broad shoulders tapered to a narrow waist. A lush growth of hair covered his deep, muscular chest. Sam felt himself react to what he saw.

  As Sam stood and watched Garrett, Todd walked by, followed by Wolf. The dog ran ahead and jumped into the water, splashing Garrett, who stood and laughed. Todd removed his shirt and he joined Garrett in splashing water on himself. Sam looked at both men, so different physically, yet both attractive to him. He was not comfortable with the feelings that seeing them engendered. After what had occurred with Todd before they left Laclede’s, he felt he was somehow betraying the young man by feeling such a strong attraction to Garrett.

  Garrett turned to Sam and motioned for him to join them. “Come on…the water feels great. You gotta be as itchy as we are.”

  Sam had to agree he was feeling prickly from the day’s tasks. He reluctantly removed his shirt and walked to where the men were washing themselves. Garrett gave him an appraising look, raised one eyebrow and nodded, a warm smile on his face. Sam felt tightness in his trousers. He made a point of looking away. Garrett rose and left the pond. Sam saw Todd turn and watch him depart.

  “That is one handsome man,” Todd said. “Don’t you think so, Sam?”

  Todd’s comment flustered Sam. He awkwardly looked over his shoulder and, trying to sound casual, said, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Sam turned, squatted down and began to splash water on his sweaty chest.

  “Gus, too.”

  “What?” Sam asked in surprise.

  “Gus is one handsome man, too,” Todd said as he joined Sam at the edge of the water. “He’s got that head of white hair and that full beard. His eyes are so blue. I wouldn’t mind seeing him down here, rinsin’ off.”

  Sam did not comment. He just finished his job, stood up, called to Wolf, who was still romping in the shallows, and walked back to camp with Todd following. As the trio approached, Sam looked at the cook, who was preparing dinner, and observed the wagon master lounging nearby. He thought of the feelings he was experiencing and what Todd had just said. He wasn’t sure what to make of this.

  “Supper’s ready,” Gus called.

  * * * After eating and securing the camp and horses for the night, the men sat by the fire. Wolf curled up between Sam and Todd. Garrett and Gus took turns telling stories of past wagon train adventures. Some of the tales were humorous, and the men all laughed heartily. Some of the accounts were frightening. Sam could see Todd tense and pull Wolf closer. After about an hour of this, Garrett announced it was time to call it a night.

  They checked the horses once more and made up the bedrolls. Sam was relieved they were arranged with a good distance between them, although he would have liked being closer to Todd.

  They all wished each other goodnight and bedded down. Sam lay on his side, with Wolf curled up against his chest. Occasionally, some sound from the forest would cause the dog to raise his head, perk up his ears and sniff the air. In the orange glow of the fire, Sam could see Todd facing away from him. Beyond Todd, he saw Garrett, propped against a log, gazing into the fire, the shadows of the flickering flames dancing on his handsome face. He was smoking a pipe. The firelight made his masculine features more prominent. Somewhere on the other side of the fire, Sam could hear Gus snoring softly. Sam grew hard. It wasn’t his attraction to Garrett that disturbed him because he found many men attractive. It was the undeniable fact that he wanted to be with Garrett, as he had been with Lean Bear, Todd, and Nils. The images of the three men and Garrett filled his mind. Finally, he fell asleep.

  When Sam woke the next morning, he was still erect. He wasn’t sure, but somehow he felt he had dreamed about Garrett. Todd was still asleep, but now turned toward Sam. Sam looked at his sweet face, a slight smile playing on his lips. Sam wondered if Todd was dreaming, too…and if he was, who was in the dream?

  His need to relieve himself forced Sam out of his warm bedroll and into the chill morning air. As he stood, he looked to where Gus had been sleeping. He let out a small gasp. Gus and Garrett were curled up together in the older man’s bedroll. They were facing away from where Sam stood, but he could see Garrett was spooned against Gus and slept with his arm draped across the man’s chest, his face snuggled into the white curls at his neck.

  While it was clear the two men were not concerned about being discovered, Sam was reluctant to have them know that they had been observed. Embarrassed, Sam turned and walked out of camp into the forest. He steadied himself against the trunk of a large tree and urinated. When he was finished, he stood with his forehead against the tree. What he had seen had unnerved him.

  “Why is this upsetting you?” said a voice Sam recognized at once. He turned to find the bear sitting near the tree, idly scratching himself with his hind leg. “You’ve seen men together before.”

  There was a soft swooshing of wings and the hawk soared into view before perching on one of the lower branches of the tree.

  “He’s upset because he thinks he loves Todd, but feels he could also love Garrett. Now he’s seen Garrett with another man in his arms. Anyone can see that bothers him.”

  “Ah,” said the bear, looking intently at Sam. “So, you are torn between the two?”

  “No…No, I…” Sam stammered.

  “Yes, he’s torn,” said the hawk.

  “What should I do?” Sam asked the pair.

  “Is there a need to be torn?” the bear asked.

  “I don’t know, I—”

  “And,” the hawk interrupted, “he thinks Todd may find Garrett to his liking as well.”

  “Is that a problem for you? I don’t see why it should be,” the bear said to Sam.

  “It’s a problem because I—” Before Sam could finish, another voice broke in.

  “Who are you talking to?”

  Sam wheeled around to see Todd walking out of the trees. He looked quickly back over his shoulder. The bear and the hawk were gone.

  “An Indian custom. Greeting the day,” he said awkwardly, turning back to the approaching man.

  Todd put his arms around Sam’s waist and hugged him. Sam closed his eyes and leaned into the embrace. Trying to reorient his thoughts, Sam bent down and kissed Todd on the head.

  Todd broke the embrace and turned to the tree to relieve himself. “Gus is making breakfast. Garrett says he wants to get an early start.”

  Sam thought about seeing Garrett with Gus, thought about his feelings for both Todd and Garrett, and then of the conversation with his spirit guides. A jumble of emotions passed through him. He nodded to Todd and the two made their way back to camp.

  * * * The next few days passed in much the same pattern as the first—riding by day, camping at night. For the most part Sam was enjoying the trip along the river, enjoying being in the company of these men. Occasionally his confusion over his feelings for Todd, his attraction to Garrett, and the unmistakable sounds that came from Gus’ bedroll where he and Garrett slept made him uncomfortable.

  This was one such time. Sam purposely dropped back a distance behind the others to ride alone.

  Ahead, he could see Todd and Garrett riding side by side. Sam had not had any chance to find release for his physical needs since the day they left Laclede’
s Village. As he watched the two men swaying in the saddles, as their horses walked along the trail, he felt a growing tension in his groin. He let his mind wander. He found himself imagining what it would be like to be with Garrett. He had seen Garrett shirtless and knew the man’s muscular, haircovered frame excited him. He had surreptitiously inspected the apex where the man’s legs joined his torso, imagining ample endowment there as well. Feeling himself growing hard, Sam tried to distract himself by watching Wolf stalk some unseen animal in the brush.

  “Garrett says we should be in Independence by sundown tomorrow.”

  Sam turned quickly in the saddle at the sound of Todd’s voice. He was somewhat surprised when Todd appeared beside him. He had not noticed the man pull up and wait for him. Garrett had ridden on ahead and was talking with Gus, who had been leading the quartet.

  “I’m sorry. What did you say?”

  “Garrett says we’ll be in Independence tomorrow,” Todd repeated.

  “I figured we should be getting close. A couple of those big paddleboats passed us this morning. Guess they’re carrying folks to join the wagon train.”

  “Ah…we haven’t been able to…. Um…” Todd said nervously.

  Sam looked at him. “Yes?”

  “Well, I don’t know what the arrangements will be once we get to Independence or when we leave, but I was hopin’ we’d get some time to be alone and…” His voice trailed off.

  “I’ve kind of been thinking the same thing,” Sam said, feeling an unexpected relief that Todd had brought the subject up.

  Todd brightened. “You think, maybe tonight, after they’re asleep, we could sneak off aways?”

  “I think that could be arranged,” said Sam, giving Todd a big smile.

  Todd smiled back. “Great!”

  Supper that night at camp seemed to take longer than usual. After they ate, they cleared away the remains of the meal. It seemed to Sam that Gus had more stories to tell than any time previously. He tried to listen and not seem too anxious to move the evening along to bedtime. Todd, however, was not as subtle. He reminded Gus, twice, he had told a certain story before. Sam thought he saw Garrett look in Todd’s direction, giving Sam a slight smile and nod.

  Finally, Garrett said, “Gus, I think you’re putting Todd and Sam to sleep with them yarns of yours. Best be gettin’ things settled for the night. We’ll be in Independence tomorrow.”

  Todd almost fell into the fire pit he got up so fast at Garrett’s announcement. Garrett looked at Sam and laughed softly. Sam smiled back, feeling his cheeks burn.

  Does Garrett suspect something? Shouldn’t make any difference to him. He doesn’t make it a secret what he does when he sleeps with Gus.

  Sam got up, being careful not to seem in any hurry. He walked out to the horses, tethered on a stock line, to make sure they were secure. Todd followed him. Making a show of checking the lead ropes tying the horses to the line, he turned and looked over his shoulder back toward the camp. Sam had to smile at Todd’s attempts at elevating the situation to that of an intrigue.

  “I’ve found a place,” he said, turning back to Sam, his voice barely audible. “It’s just a ways north of camp. There’s this pond. Next to it is a nice open patch with a thicket on three sides. Faces away from camp.” He turned to see if they were being observed. “We should be safe there.”

  Sam considered telling Todd he didn’t think they had to be concerned about discovery with what he had observed the last few nights, but he thought better of it. He knew Todd’s fears were based on the treatment he had received at the mill. His own hesitation, however, stemmed from some unconscious apprehension at being identified as a man who preferred men, though he didn’t understand why he should feel this way seeing as, apparently, so did Garrett and Gus.

  “Sounds good,” Sam said.

  “All right,” Todd said, still keeping his voice low. “You wait here a minute. I’ll head back to camp.”

  Sam barely managed to contain his snickers.

  Todd turned and, with exaggerated casualness, sauntered off in the direction of the campfire. When Sam stepped from the shadows into the ring of firelight, Todd was stretching and yawning loudly. Sam shook his head.

  “Yep, gonna sleep like a log, all right. Really tuckered out tonight. Gonna get me a good night’s rest…yes, sir, a good night’s rest.”

  Gus was looking at Todd as if he had lost his mind. Garrett on the other hand, still reclining by the fire, smoking his pipe, regarded the performance with an amused expression. He looked in Sam’s direction. Sam had no doubt he had a complete understanding of the situation.

  Sam’s unexplainable uneasiness returned.

  * * * “I think they’re asleep,” Todd whispered. He was crouching next to Sam’s bedroll. “Meet me by the horses in five minutes.”

  Sam sat up leaning on his elbows. “I thought you said the place you found was north of camp. The horses are south,” Sam said, glancing at the forms of Gus and Garrett on the other side of the campsite. They did look to be asleep.

  “It is, but if we’re followed…”

  Sam reached up, tousled Todd’s hair and laughed softly. “Okay,” he said.

  Todd started to leave, then returned. “Bring a blanket. It’s cold.” He stealthily retreated once more.

  Sam lay back down. His anticipation of what waited for him caused him to begin to swell. He thought of Todd and the time in his room before they left for Independence. He also thought of Garrett: his broad shoulders, narrow waist, hair-covered chest and arms. Sam remembered the ample bulge that filled the front of his pants. He shuddered slightly as he pictured the handsome, rugged face. He realized he had begun stroking himself beneath the blankets and brought himself back to reality. Checking once more to make sure the two men on the other side of the fire were still sleeping, he rose, taking his blanket with him. His erection caused him a mild discomfort as he made his way out of camp.

  Todd was waiting for him at the tie line. When Sam stepped out of the trees, Todd came to him and put his arms around him, raising his face to Sam’s. Sam bent and kissed him, the fire of his need igniting as he pressed himself against the smaller man. Todd moaned softly.

  They broke apart. Todd looked in the direction of the camp. “You get away clean?”

  Sam nodded. “They’re still asleep.”

  “Good, follow me.”

  Todd led the way through the moonlit forest, each man carrying a blanket. They skirted the camp. Occasionally Sam could see the light of the campfire through the trees. Both men froze at the sound of something coming toward them through the brush. As Sam turned, a frolicking Wolf bowled him over. “Oh, damn!” Todd intoned. “What’re we gonna do about him?”

  Sam knelt, his arms around the animal’s neck and pressed his forehead against the wolf-dog. “You have to be quiet, Wolf,” he said.

  Wolf sat and looked intently at Sam for further instruction.

  “Come,” the man said as he rose and walked to Todd. “He’ll stay with us. It’ll be okay.”

  Todd looked like he wasn’t sure he believed this, but turned and made his way once again through the trees. They came to the place Todd had described earlier and Sam looked around the clearing. Moon shadows flickered on the water. It was secluded. They laid their blankets on the ground.

  “Wolf,” Sam commanded, “lay down. Stay.” The wolf-dog obeyed.

  Sam looked at Todd, shafts of silver moonlight playing on his face. Sam walked to him and took him in his arms. They kissed.

  “Wish it was warmer,” said Todd as they stepped apart and began to undress.

  Sam had to agree. He was shivering as he dropped his pants and peeled his shirt from his body. They quickly lay on one of the blankets and covered themselves with the other. Their lips met and tongues danced. They massaged chilled muscles until the heat of their rising passion drove back the cold of the night air. Todd lay on his back, Sam on his side supporting himself with his arm, looking down on the boyish face. He slipped
one arm beneath Todd’s shoulder and stroked his face with the other. He lowered his face to kiss him.

  A soft yip from Wolf caused both men to sit bolt upright. Todd gasped and moved behind Sam. Leaning against a tree in the moonlight was Garrett, shirt unbuttoned, one hand on the bulge in his trousers, massaging it slowly.

  “Got room for one more under there?”

  Garrett’s deep voice seemed to resonate the length of Sam’s body. Sam felt himself shudder.

  Without thinking, Sam raised the blanket. Garrett shed the shirt and opened his trousers, letting them fall to the ground, releasing his erect organ to stand rigid against his tight, muscular abdomen. He stepped out of his pants and, on bare feet, padded his way toward the pair. He slid beneath the covers, laying on his side next to a trembling Todd. He added his arm to Sam’s around Todd’s shoulders.

  “Shhh,” Garrett said to Todd, brushing his lips lightly over his forehead. “Ain’t no one gonna hurt you.”

  Sam felt Todd relax.

  With his other arm, Garrett pulled Sam to him. The kiss was soul shattering. Sam released his pent-up feelings for Garrett and surrendered himself to the man.

  Garrett broke the kiss and smiled at Sam. Todd had reached out and had one arm on each man’s back. Garrett bent and kissed him as well. Todd writhed under his kiss. Sam knew he was experiencing feelings similar to his own. He leaned down and joined them.

  For the next hour, the three men explored each other’s bodies with hands and mouths, touching, massaging, fondling. Sam relished Garrett’s hard, muscular contours, the feel of the thick mat of hair on his chest, the rod of iron rising from the base of his torso.

  Sam also delighted in Todd. His smooth, muscled body and his eager acceptance of the affection given him warmed Sam’s emotions. Sam allowed the physical and emotional sensations to carry him away.

  The pinnacle of their lovemaking, as that was how Sam viewed it, came when he was on his side, inside Todd. Garrett had penetrated Sam from behind. The three men, joined together as one, each erupted in turn with exclamations of ardor that seemed to seal a bond among them.