by Nina Levine
She takes a sip of water and passes the glass back to me as she smiles recalling the memory. “You mean the time you were practicing your rockstar moves on your bed? When you were playing air guitar, jumping around like a dickhead and ended up falling against the wall?”
Chuckling, I nod my head. “Yeah, that time.”
“I remember Dad being so mad with me for days over that.”
“But you wouldn’t let me fess up and admit it was me… you always had my back, Princess.”
Fear slices through my chest at the thought of losing her.
I don’t want to contemplate it.
But, fuck…stage four cancer.
I push out of the chair and stand, desperate to force these thoughts out of my mind.
She reaches for my hand and I give it to her. Hell, I’d give her anything she wants. It fucking kills me that I can’t give her the one thing she needs. “Jett.” Her voice is so soft…so kind. Jesus, it’s full of compassion when she shouldn’t be the one giving it. “Look at me, Jett,” she begs, and I give her that, too. It’s dark in her room but there’s a sliver of light falling through the curtain and I can see the sorrow she’s feeling. “I’m sorry.”
Her words threaten to rip my heart out and I struggle for breath. “You have nothing to be sorry for.” My throat dries up and I have to force the words out, but she needs to know the last thing any of us expect is a ‘sorry’.
“I didn’t know… there were no symptoms…” Her chest heaves and her voice cracks as she begins to cry.
I drop my knees to the floor and kneel next to her so our eyes are level. Taking a firm hold of her hand, I say, “You don’t have to explain any of that. This is not your fault and I never want to hear you say that again.”
Tears flow down her cheek as she stares at me, taking in everything I’ve said. “Okay,” she whispers as she tries to wipe the tears away. When she gets herself together, she says, “I like Presley. You did good, big brother.”
I nod. I don’t want to discuss this because I know why she’s bringing it up, and I fight it by changing the subject. “Did you manage to catch up on your studies?”
She frowns. “Why are you asking me that?”
“Because I’m interested to know.”
“No.”
“You didn’t catch up?”
Her voice takes on an angry tone and she lashes out a little. “No, that’s not why you asked me that. You’re avoiding talking to me about Presley.”
“No, I’m not,” I lie.
“Jett! I’m fucking dying and I want to talk to you about your girlfriend, not about my goddamn studies. I want to talk about the fact you’ve finally found someone to love, and I want to tell you not to screw that up.” Even she seems surprised by her outburst as we lock gazes and process her words. She takes a breath and adds softly, “I need to know you’re going to be okay without me looking out for you. I need to know you’re going to let Presley take my place now.”
I glare at her. I hate those words. “No one can ever take your place,” I force out with distaste.
“I know, but you need to let someone in; you need to show someone that amazing heart of yours, and I’m hoping Presley’s the one.”
Fear rushes through me.
I can’t do this without her.
I can’t lose her.
My heart thumps in my chest and my head roars with panic. I gulp back the bile rising up my throat and grip her hand harder. “I’ve let her in.” They’re the only words I can manage, but Claudia knows the tracks of my heart like the tracks of her own heart, and she’ll understand the significance of those four words. She’ll know the thousands of words I have to describe my feelings for Presley that I can’t say out loud.
We’re both silent for a beat.
Watching.
Knowing.
Silently battling the devastation of this disease. The devastation it hurls at everyone it touches and then leaves behind in its wake as it moves on to break another family. It’s like a fucking bushfire blazing a trail of pain through the lives of everyone it touches. And when it’s done, there’s nothing but ashes of heartache and suffering. And loss.
“I know you’re going to shut down when… when this is done, but you have to promise me you won’t do that. You’re so damn scared of losing people that you keep them at a distance, and I hate that for you,” she says, her eyes pleading with mine.
The fury I have at the cancer takes over and spills onto my words. “I hate that I have to lose someone in all of this. I fucking hate that cancer has the power to rip you from my life… from your life.” I stop talking, wanting to take back everything I let fall out. And then I expel the breath trapped in my lungs and explode. “Fuck!” I push up off my knees and pace the room, rubbing the back of my neck.
My thoughts are a fucked up mess of chaos and I can’t think straight. A headache begins to pound through my head and my mouth goes dry. I need to get the fuck out of here but I refuse to do that to Claudia.
Her coughing breaks through my consciousness and I turn to see if she’s okay. What began as a few coughs turns into a coughing fit and she fights to get her breath back so I sit next to her on the bed and rub her back, whispering, “Shhh, shhh,” over and over as if it will help. As if it will make a fucking difference when I know nothing will make a difference.
“You’ve been an amazing brother,” she whispers once her coughing resides.
And there it is.
We’re already talking in past tense.
My body sags.
Cancer: 1, The Vaughns: 0
23
Jett
“Jett, wake up.”
My mother’s voice cuts through my sleep and I slowly open my eyes. When I come to, the pain radiating down my neck and back makes itself known and I mutter an obscenity as I straighten. “What time is it?” I ask.
“Just after eight.”
“You’ve been snoring for the last hour so I didn’t want to wake you,” Claudia says.
I shift my gaze to her. She’s sitting up, but doesn’t look any better than she did yesterday. In fact, she looks worse if anything. Frowning, I enquire, “How are you feeling?”
She shrugs and avoids my eyes. “I’m okay,” she murmurs, but I’m not buying it. However, I choose not to pursue it with her; if this is how she wants to cope with what’s happening, I can’t fault her. I’d want to avoid it, too.
Mum nudges my foot and I switch my attention back to her. “You should go home for awhile. I’m going to stay until lunch and then your father is coming for the afternoon.”
I nod as I stand and stretch. “Yeah, I’ve gotta touch base with the boys and Tom.”
“What’s happening with your album?” Claudia asks.
“Van and I decided to put it on hold for the moment.”
Her brows rise. “Are you two getting along any better?”
I pick up the keys for Presley’s car and shove my phone in my pocket, getting ready to leave. “I don’t know. He gets this and is being supportive, so I guess so, but who knows what’s going on in that head of his.”
She tries to laugh but it turns into a cough. Her hand moves to her chest while she coughs and then she says, “There’s too much going on in that head of his. That’s the problem.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” I step forward so I can place a kiss on her forehead. “I’ll see you later, Princess.”
A smile graces her lips and she nods. Waving me away, she says, “I’ll be here.”
I leave them and make my way outside, calling Tom on the way.
He answers almost straight away. “How’s Claudia?” His obvious concern means a lot to me.
“Not good, Tom. Did Van fill you in?” I hope so because I really don’t want to go through it with him.
“Yeah, and he told me you want to put everything on hold. I think it’s a good idea.”
“And the label? Are they on board with it?” At this point, I’m not sure I could care if
they aren’t.
He takes a moment to respond. “They’re not happy, but I’ve made it clear to them you need this time so they’re running with it at the moment.”
“Thanks, Tom.”
“It’s what I do, Jett. It’s why you pay me the big bucks, right?”
I love that he’s trying to lighten the mood; I need it this morning after my conversation with Claudia last night. That conversation still sits heavy in my gut, and I keep replaying it in my mind. “Seriously, though, I’d be lost without you. I hope to God you never stop working with us.” I pause for a moment, a thought coming to me. “Actually, how are things between you and Van?”
“I don’t hold grudges, you know that. Fuck, not in this industry with all the drama and shit that goes on. We spoke and I made it clear to him that if he does it again, it’ll be either him or me walking away, so I’m fairly confident that won’t happen again. But, he’s not happy, Jett, and I don’t think it’s got much to do with the band even though it’s you guys he’s taking it out on. So, I’m hoping this time off might do him some good.” His thoughts echo my own.
I arrive at Presley’s car and end the call with a promise to keep him in the loop. I’m relieved he spoke to Van and hope like hell Van doesn’t step out of line with Tom again; we can’t afford to lose either of them.
* * *
Nearly half an hour later I arrive at Presley’s apartment after sitting in rush hour traffic for longer than I cared to. She answers her door wearing a tiny scrap of material that most would probably call a dress, and on any other woman, I would agree, but on Presley, I wouldn’t even call it a dress.
She greets me with a smile as I trail my eyes down her body, taking in every inch of skin on display. “I take it you’re not planning on going out today,” I say as I brush a kiss over her lips.
Frowning, she replies, “I’ve gotta go and do some grocery shopping, and I thought I’d come with you when you visit Claudia later.”
“Right, so we’ll need to find you something else to wear when you do all that,” I answer as I step inside and close the door behind me. “And I’m gonna need a key to your place, and I’ll give you one to mine.”
“I see you’ve come home all bossy and shit,” she mutters as we walk down her hallway into her kitchen.
Heading straight to her Nespresso machine, I give her a smile. “I love the way you say ‘you’ve come home’.”
She comes to me and takes my face in her hands and lays a kiss on my lips. Then she smacks me on the ass and takes her turn bossing me. “Go sit down. I’ll make you coffee.”
I do as she says and pull up a stool at the kitchen counter. Resting my elbows on the counter, I drop my chin into the palms of my hands and watch her make the coffee. My eyes track the sway of her ass and appreciate the smooth skin of her legs. Sex is again the last thing on my mind but I’m enjoying the hell out of watching her.
“How’s Claudia?”
“Not too good.” I don’t elaborate for fear I’ll break down and I don’t want to do that this morning.
Her eyes come to mine and she narrows them, watching me for a moment. I wait for her to say something more, to try and make me tell her more, but she doesn’t. She simply nods and then goes back to the coffee.
I breathe a sigh of relief.
A few minutes later, she places a hot mug of coffee in front of me and sits next to me. Taking a sip of her coffee, she asks, “Have you spoken to Tom?”
“Yeah, he’s sorted us out with the label. For now, anyway, and screw them if they aren’t happy with our decision.”
“What would happen if they tried to force you back to work on the album and you didn’t do it?”
I don’t want to think about that. If she’d asked me that a few months ago before my shares crashed, I would have told her I’d buy our way out of it, but now I wouldn’t want to hand over any cash. “Let’s not even go there, baby. Let’s hope it never comes to that.”
She changes the conversation again. “What’s your plan for today?”
“A shower, some sleep in a bed rather than a chair, and then I’m going to head back to the hospital,” I reply before taking a long drink of my coffee.
“I’ll go shopping while you shower and sleep.”
I eye her dress again. “After you change.”
She leans close to me and her hand lands on my knee. “You wanna help me with that?”
She can’t even begin to imagine how much I want to help her with that, but my energy levels are at an all-time low. “Baby, I could help you with that, but you’d be doing all the work. I don’t even have the energy to dream of fucking you, let alone doing it.”
“All right, let’s get you showered and into bed then,” she takes over as she hops off the stool.
I do as she says with a grin on my face while dirty thoughts fill my mind.
“Why are you grinning like that?” she asks, watching me with slight confusion.
“Because I was just thinking that at some point I will have energy and when that happens, it’s gonna be a marathon sex session. And that thought made me really fucking happy.”
I watch as she thinks about that, and I love the sexy smile she gives me.
Motioning for me to walk, she bosses me, “You need to start moving and stop talking, because otherwise I’m going to be happy to do all the work while we change my dress, but I really don’t want to take what little energy you do have. So move, Mr. Rockstar.”
Again, I do as she says.
I love her bossy ways and wouldn’t change her for the world.
* * *
Six hours later, I’m showered, rested, and ready to face the hospital again. And I’ve got Presley out of that scrap of material and into a respectable dress that covers her legs. Every inch of them.
“Do you want to drive?” she asks, holding her keys out to me as we walk downstairs to the car park.
“Christ,” I grumble as I take the keys from her, “we need to go to my place at some point and get my car. I keep hitting my head on yours when I get in and out of it. And I need clean clothes, too.”
She pokes her tongue at me. “Maybe you should bend your head when you get in my car.”
I chuckle. “You’re attached to your car, aren’t you?” It’s gotta be five years old, and I can’t see the attraction, but she seems to really like it.
“It’s the first car I ever bought brand new, so yeah, I am kind of attached to it.”
We reach her car and I unlock it. Smiling at her, I say, “I get that.”
“Crap, I forgot my purse,” she says while rummaging through her handbag. “I’m gonna run up real quick and grab it.”
“Sure, I’ll wait here for you.”
I watch her go and then lean my back against the car while I pull my phone out and check my text messages. There’s one from Claudia from a couple of hours ago that I missed so I tap it to open.
Claudia: I meant it when I said you are the best brother. I love you, Jett.
My eyes skim the words over and over but I can’t bring myself to type a message back to her. I don’t fucking want to.
I rub the back of my neck and stretch.
Maybe a miracle will happen.
“Shit,” I mutter after pushing a breath out and sliding my phone back into the pocket of my jeans.
What’s the fucking likelihood of two miracles in one lifetime?
A siren sounds in the distance, diverting my attention to it for a minute, and I can’t help but think how the world carries on around us even when everything is falling apart.
Pain.
Loss.
Grief.
The world doesn’t know and it sure as shit doesn’t care.
My phone rings, vibrating against my leg and dragging me out of my thoughts.
“Mum…everything okay?” I ask after checking caller ID and worrying that she’s calling for a reason other than to tell me she’s leaving the hospital.
She doesn’t say anythi
ng and the dread circling in my gut climbs up to my throat. I gulp it back and am just about to ask her again when a sob leaves her mouth and travels down the line to me. “Jett…” Her voice cuts off as another sob fills the air between us.
Fuck.
Fuck!
“What is it?” I demand as my limbs turn to jelly and my head begins to spin. This can’t be happening. It can’t be what I think it is.
“Claudia…she’s gone…” Agony screams down the line at me as my mother says the words no mother ever wants to say.
I double over as the pain claws at me. Fighting for a breath, I try to form a question. “How? Why?”
I don’t understand.
Her sobs are coming hard and fast, but she manages to calm them down enough to answer me. “She went into cardiac arrest and the doctors couldn’t do anything for her… about half an hour ago.”
“No!” I scream into the air as my phone falls out of my hand to the ground. Straightening, I punch the concrete post next to the car. The pain it causes to my arm hardly registers.
No!
I never got a chance to reply to her message.
Torment punches through my body as my thoughts come at me like a fucking freight train.
The world around me is a blur; none of it is important.
None of it means anything.
Not anymore.
The pain swallows me and I spin into an abyss of misery.
Doubling over again, I wrap my arms around my body and let the sobs come. They rack my body and I allow them to take over. I allow my grief to spill out.
“Jett.” Presley’s panicked voice fills the air and I lift my head to look at her. Her hand flies to her mouth and distress clouds her features. “Oh my God… what is it? What’s happened?”