The Northwoods

by Jane Hoppen

  Sarah moved to a chair and opened the sewing basket that she kept in the sitting room. She took out some gingham cloth with grass green and white squares that she had asked Evelyn to pick up on one of her trips into town, and she began to stitch. She was making curtains for the house, starting with the kitchen. By the time the boys and then Karl and Louise had played a game of checkers, bedtime was upon them.

  “Put away the disks and the board so you can get ready for bed,” Sarah said.

  The children picked up, and Peter and Karl headed up the stairs. Sarah took Louise’s hand and they followed. The children went to their room to change their clothes, and Sarah peeked in on Evelyn.

  “The children are getting ready for bed,” she said.

  Evelyn put down the book she was reading. She looked at the cloth in Sarah’s hand.

  “What do you have there?” she asked.

  “I’m making curtains. These are for the kitchen windows.”

  “Curtains?”

  “I know they’re not particularly practical, but they bring a sense of warmth to a room,” Sarah said. “I thought they might make things more…homey.”

  “I’m embarrassed to say the thought never entered my mind,” Evelyn said.

  “I’m sure you had your hands full,” Sarah said. “I can see why curtains never came to mind, but they’ll make a difference. You’ll see.”

  The children burst into the room and gathered around Evelyn’s bed.

  “I’ll be up in a bit,” Sarah said as she left them with their mother.

  “Good night, Sarah,” they all said cheerfully, before they began to explain checkers to Evelyn.

  When Sarah went upstairs that night, Evelyn had already turned off the lamp and pulled the blanket across the room. Sarah started to change out of her clothes and Evelyn spoke.

  “The children love the checkers,” she said.

  “I’m so glad,” Sarah said. “It was my favorite game as a child.”

  “And I appreciate the curtains,” Evelyn said.

  Sarah smiled and crawled under her covers.

  * * *

  A Saturday late in June, Helen and Jess joined Evelyn, Sarah, and the children for an evening picnic in the yard. As Sarah and Jess prepared the table outside and started a fire, Helen helped Evelyn get the food ready.

  “Jess and I want the children to stay with us for the Fourth of July festivities in town,” Helen said. “We can pick them up late Friday afternoon. Is that okay with you?”

  “Is it that time already?” Evelyn said.

  “One week away,” Helen said. “What do you think?”

  “I think that’s a great idea,” said Evelyn. “Sarah and I can manage fine here for a day or two, and the children will be thrilled. They deserve a break.”

  “Oh, and I ran into Mary Boyd,” Helen said. “She said to tell you yes.”

  “She did?” Evelyn said. “I can’t wait to tell Sarah.”

  “About what?” Helen asked.

  “The last time I was in town I asked Mary if she might want to hire some extra help in her tailor shop. Sarah could work for her, and she has a spare room in her boarding house.”

  Helen looked at Evelyn.

  “Are you two having problems? Has Sarah told you that she wants to leave the farm?” she asked.

  “Well, no,” Evelyn said. “But I thought…Her life in town would be more like what she is accustomed to, like the life she had before. I worry that she’s unhappy here.”

  “Have you asked her? She’s been here nearly three months now. It appears things are working out fine, and she seems perfectly content to me.”

  “I just…” Evelyn stammered.

  “Is that what you want? Do you want her to go?”

  “No, I don’t want her to go, but…”

  “What do you want, Evelyn?” Helen asked.

  “I want her to stay, but…”

  “But what?”

  “I want her to be happy. I never want her to feel like this is her only option,” Evelyn said. “Ever since the altercation with Sam…I would never want her to feel beholden to me. I want her to be here by choice.”

  “And you don’t think she is?”

  “I don’t know,” Evelyn said. “I really don’t know. She didn’t have much choice when I brought her here.”

  Helen settled her eyes on Evelyn and shook her head.

  “What?” Evelyn asked.

  “I don’t think Sarah will be happy with your news,” Helen said.

  “Why not?”

  “I’m quite sure this is where she wants to be,” Helen said. “She cares about the children, and I’ve seen how she looks at you when you’re not aware,” Helen said.

  “What are you talking about?” Evelyn asked.

  Helen laughed lightly.

  “She looks at you the same way you look at her when you think no one is looking.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Evelyn felt herself blushing. She knew what her sister meant.

  “You two act like shy teenagers,” Helen said. “You’re clearly attracted to each other.”

  “I don’t think--—”

  Evelyn started to deny the truth, but stopped.

  “I do have feelings for Sarah, and I’ve grown to care for her, but I can’t imagine…”

  “What?” Helen asked.

  “That she would feel the same way.”

  “You sell yourself short, sister,” Helen said. “You are one of the kindest and strongest people I’ve ever known.”

  “But being with a woman…” Evelyn said. She felt both shy and confused. “I don’t…I can’t…I hardly knew how to be with George.”

  She didn’t even know how to explain what she was feeling. Helen rested a hand on one of hers.

  “You know, Evelyn, you should just let things happen. Everything is not black and white. If you hadn’t cared about Sarah, you never would have brought her here, to your home.”

  “I wouldn’t have left her there,” Evelyn said.

  “I know that,” Helen said. “You would’ve helped her leave the camp, but you wouldn’t have brought her home, to be with you and your children.”

  “Well, I never thought about it that way,” Evelyn said. “There’s so much I never thought about, so much that I’ve accepted without questioning. I do have feelings for her, but I’ve always just assumed that I am who I am—Evelyn, who was married to George, with three children.”

  “You are,” Helen said. “You were, but that doesn’t mean your future can’t hold something different for you.”

  “But I don’t—”

  “Things will happen naturally if you let them,” Helen said. “But at some point you need to tell Sarah how you feel.”

  “I don’t know what I feel,” Evelyn said.

  “You know what you feel,” Helen said. “It just scares you because it’s new to you.”

  Evelyn looked away. She knew Helen was right.

  “Anyways, I really don’t think she’ll be happy with your surprise,” Helen said.

  “We’ll see,” Evelyn said. “I need to at least give her an opportunity for a life other than this.”

  Peter and Karl ran into the house then, and their conversation ended.

  “Jess said you can bring the food out now,” Peter said. “The table’s ready and the grill is hot.”

  “You can get the watermelon out of the pantry,” Evelyn told him. “Karl, get a platter out of the cupboard.”

  “Okay,” Karl said.

  “I’ll take out the potato salad and biscuits,” Helen said.

  “I’ve got the sausages,” Evelyn told her.

  Peter came out of the pantry cradling the watermelon in his arms, and Evelyn looked around the kitchen.

  “I guess that’s it,” she said. “I’ll come back in to get the lemonade.”

  * * *

  Throughout the meal that evening, Evelyn kept mulling over what Helen had said. Her stomach was so unsettled that she could
barely eat. She nibbled on a bit of sausage and some potato salad. The children chattered excitedly about the coming Fourth of July celebration—games, fireworks, races, contests. Evelyn suddenly dreaded the prospect of them being absent from the farm, leaving her alone with Sarah. She would be without a buffer.

  When dinner was over, they cleared off the table and gathered on the porch while the children played. Evelyn poured them all cups of wine, and the sky darkened, with sporadic flashes of fireflies scattering throughout the fields. Evelyn occasionally glanced at Helen and Jess, who sat close together, pressing into one another. She thought about what it might be like with Sarah absent from the farm. She knew she could hold the farm together, succeed in making it function as it needed to, but she liked the idea of a companion, someone besides the children. The children couldn’t fill every void. Even though she and George had not had a passionate relationship, he had been a steady companion, someone she could rely on, talk to. Though he had been a man of few words, she had always known that he was listening.

  Louise left the company of the boys and climbed onto Evelyn’s lap. Sarah watched as Evelyn combed through Louise’s hair with her fingers and kissed her on the forehead. She was excited about the idea of having some time with Evelyn while the children were gone. Ever since they arrived on the farm, every moment seemed filled, and the children were always close at hand. At times, when Sarah and Evelyn were near each other, washing the dishes or preparing a meal, Sarah would find herself breathing in their proximity, edging in closer to Evelyn, and just when she thought the moment might be right for a fleeting kiss or a knowing touch, the moment would be shattered—the children barging in from outside, or Evelyn suddenly moving on to some other task she had forgotten.

  The only time Sarah could engage with Evelyn alone was when they retired for the evening, but by then they were both exhausted and their talk was mainly about the farm and the children, and tasks that had to be done. Sarah needed a chance to talk to Evelyn frankly, tell her how she felt. Some days she thought she would burst. She wanted to grab hold of Evelyn, draw her near, taste her lips, feel her warmth. She hoped that time would soon arrive. At least then Sarah would know where she stood. She would know what kind of future she and Evelyn could have together. She often wondered if Evelyn ever contemplated or envisioned an intimate relationship with her, but there was a part of her that was too afraid to ask, fearing what the answer might be.

  * * *

  The afternoon that Helen and Jess were to return the children from the holiday festivities, Evelyn and Sarah stood beside each other at the kitchen counter, cutting apples into wedges and slicing bread and cheese for a light lunch. They’d had so little spare time since the children had been gone, with Evelyn leaving extra early to head to the fields and Sarah taking over the chores in the barn and the garden.

  “I have a surprise for you,” Evelyn said as she arranged apple slices on a plate.

  “What?” Sarah asked.

  “I found you a position in town if you want it, working with the seamstress, Mary Boyd,” Evelyn told her. “She even has a spare room.”

  She turned to see Sarah’s expression. Sarah put down her knife, cupped her hands over her mouth, and ran up the stairs, closing the door behind her. Evelyn stood in the kitchen, dumbfounded. That was not the reaction she expected. Maybe Helen was right. She set down her knife, removed her apron, and headed upstairs. When she reached the door to the bedroom, she lightly knocked and then entered. Sarah trembled as tears began to slide down her cheeks.

  “Sarah, what is it?” Evelyn asked. “I don’t understand. I thought you would be happy.”

  Sarah didn’t look at her.

  “Why are you doing this now, when I’m just starting to feel like I belong here, like I might be a part of your…Don’t you care for me at all?”

  “Of course I do,” Evelyn said.

  “Then why this?”

  “I wasn’t sure if you liked being here, with me and the children,” Evelyn said. “I know it’s a big change from your usual life. Ever since we arrived here, I have worried that you might be unhappy. I want you to have a chance to have a life like the one you had before.”

  “But you never even asked me,” Sarah said. “I’ve just now gotten close to the children. How could you assume…”

  Evelyn crossed the room and sat beside Sarah on the bed. Sarah stood up and began to pace.

  “This is my fault,” she said. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I should have been honest with you about my feelings all along.”

  She kept pacing, wringing her hands.

  “What do you mean?” Evelyn asked.

  “You don’t understand,” Sarah said. “At the camp, before I knew you were you, Evelyn, I was already attracted to you, just the person who you were, even as George. You stood out so among the other jacks that I was drawn to you, which confused me greatly. Trust me. Then, when I discovered you were a woman, everything made sense to me. But I knew all along that you had your children and the farm, and I had planned to return to Pine Creek, even with Abigail gone, until Sam…Then all that changed, and I thought that perhaps it was a sign, that we were meant to be…There were times at the camp, and here, that I thought you might also…What was I thinking? I should have known that you could never…We were never meant to be. Perhaps you’re right…The job in town…I need some air.”

  Sarah left the room, went downstairs, and hurried out of the house. Evelyn wanted to stop her, call after her, but she simply sat for a few moments, stunned. She wants to be with me. She’s attracted to me somehow. Why am I pushing her away? She went after Sarah. When she stepped outside, she caught a glimpse of Sarah as she headed into the woods, on the trail that led to the pond. A breeze whirled around Evelyn, and she glanced up at the sky to see a mass of clouds gathering in the north. She stepped off the porch and hurried to the woods, in the same direction that Sarah had gone. When she reached the pond, she saw Sarah, sitting on the bench that George had built there years ago. Evelyn slowed her pace as she approached her.

  “Sarah,” she said quietly as the winds picked up around them.

  Sarah looked at her. Her face was wet with tears.

  “I’m so sorry,” Evelyn said. “I’m just…I thought…”

  Sarah looked as if she was wilting before her. Evelyn dropped her head. She felt herself sinking. She never meant to cause sadness. She never meant to hurt Sarah. The winds churned around them, and the trees swayed, the sky quickly darkening. A slash of lightning flashed across the sky, followed by a loud boom of thunder. Another jagged slice of lightning cut through the sky, and the thunder that followed was so ear splitting that it echoed over the land. Sarah jumped in her seat.

  “We have to go in,” Evelyn said. “It’s not safe in the woods with the lightning.”

  Before she could say anything else, Sarah sprinted through the woods. The winds grew even stronger, and rain began to sprinkle down. Evelyn headed toward the house, reaching it just as the skies opened and the light sprinkle of rain became a deafening downpour. She entered the house to find an empty kitchen. She peeked into the sitting room, which was also empty, and then heard noise upstairs. She climbed the steps and stopped in the doorway of her and Sarah’s room. Sarah was frantically going through her things, stuffing some items into the trunk she had brought with her to the farm and other things into a large satchel.

  “What are you doing?” Evelyn asked.

  Sarah did not look at her.

  “I’m packing,” she said. “I might as well leave as soon as possible. I can’t see any reason to draw things out. If you want me to go, I’ll go. Maybe Helen and Jess can take me to town with them when they return with the children.”

  This is all wrong. This is not how I meant things to turn out. She thinks I want her to leave, that I don’t want her here. But I was only thinking about her, about…

  “You don’t have to…”

  “What, Evelyn? I don’t have to what? I need to pack my thin
gs. The furniture you can keep. It’s got no meaning for me anymore.”

  “But wait,” Evelyn said.

  “Wait for what, Evelyn?” Sarah asked.

  “I didn’t mean…”

  Evelyn didn’t know how to explain herself. She had no words. Sarah continued to pack, keeping her back turned to Evelyn. Evelyn glanced out the window. The rain had dwindled into a light sprinkle.

  “I need to go tend to the animals,” she said, unsure of what else to do. “We can talk more when I return.”

  “I don’t think we have anything more to say,” Sarah said curtly.

  She was so hurt that she cloaked herself in anger. Evelyn walked over to the doorway. Sarah refused to look her way, and Evelyn finally left the room and went downstairs.

  * * *

  As Evelyn was returning to the house from the barn, Helen and Jess pulled up in their wagon and the children happily climbed out and ran to her, all of them talking at once, reliving the events in town. Hoping to soothe the situation between her and Sarah, Evelyn invited Helen and Jess in for coffee before they headed back home, and as they all entered the house, Sarah was coming down the stairs, carrying the large satchel. Louise ran over to her to give her a hug, and she set down the bag.

  “Where’s Sarah going?” Peter asked Evelyn.

  Helen and Jess both looked at Evelyn, and she felt herself blushing. No one spoke.

  “I was hoping your aunt would let me ride with her into town,” Sarah finally said.

  Peter grimaced.

  “Why?” he said.

  “Your mother has found me a position there,” Sarah said flatly. “A job in a shop, evidently.”

  She had a blank look on her face.

  “I knew you wouldn’t stay,” Peter said angrily and then ran up the stairs.

  “I don’t want you to go,” Karl squealed and then started to cry. “Why does she have to go?”

  He looked at Evelyn and then, following his brother’s lead, escaped up the stairs. Helen and Jess were still standing in the doorway as if they had frozen in place, and Sarah stooped down to pick up the satchel. Louise ran to Evelyn and wrapped her arms around one of her legs.