Leap of Faith

by Fiona McCallum

  ‘So how’s the ankle feeling after your first ride?’ Tiffany asked as she settled at the kitchen table and Jessica set about putting the kettle on.

  ‘Great. Wouldn’t even know there was anything wrong with it,’ Jessica said, her voice coloured by the hint of surprise she was feeling. She hadn’t actually given it any thought while riding, and hadn’t noticed if it felt any different. Now she was focussed on it, though, the joint was aching. She decided it was a good ache; riding used different muscles and tendons to walking and running. In fact, she felt a little tight all over. But, again, it was the lovely feeling of tired muscles that told her she’d exerted herself. It felt good. But, crikey, she was unfit!

  ‘It’s incredible that she’s so trusting and relaxed, considering what she must have been put through at the hands of humans,’ Jessica mused a few minutes later as they sat clutching their mugs.

  ‘Hmm. She’s a smart horse,’ Tiffany said. ‘Has clearly figured out what side of her bread is buttered. But seriously, this unconditional love and capacity to forgive that’s part of most animals’ makeup is just so amazing. I’d want to kill someone.’

  ‘I do,’ Jessica said forcefully. ‘I’d love to track down the bastard who treated her badly.’

  ‘Hopefully the RSPCA did and whoever it was got prosecuted.’

  ‘Even if they did, the sentences are never enough.’

  ‘Don’t go there. And don’t go looking online for court transcripts. Just don’t think about it at all. Knowing exactly what happened to her and who did it will only upset you. Just be thankful that you’ve given her a good home.’

  ‘Well, Steve did,’ Jessica corrected.

  ‘It doesn’t matter who did, Jess. She’s here, and she’s loved.’

  ‘I feel awful for thinking so badly of her when she arrived.’

  ‘Well, you’ve been in a pretty bad place. And it’s not your fault you were raised to be a horse snob.’

  ‘Yeah, I was, wasn’t I?’ On both counts.

  ‘Yes, but I still love you.’

  ‘Thanks. I’m really starting to see how messed up I am, thanks to Dad.’

  ‘God, Jess, that’s a bit harsh on him – and you. It was what it was. And look where it got you. You were picked for the state team, for Christ’s sake – that’s one hell of an achievement. It was one of your big goals.’

  ‘You know what?’ Jessica said, looking up at her friend.

  ‘What?’

  ‘My ride today was one of the most rewarding and satisfying of my life.’ She was slightly shocked at the forcefulness of her words, but she meant every one of them. She’d thought she’d enjoyed eventing, but perhaps that had been for all the wrong reasons.

  ‘Wow,’ Tiffany said. She raised her eyebrows and looked at her friend with a quizzical expression. ‘Faith really has got under your skin.’

  ‘I’m serious. I know I was on her for only about two minutes, but I felt a connection with her I haven’t felt since I was a kid. It’s always been me who’s been the boss, demanded respect, performance. Of course I’ve had great partnerships over the years … God, listen to me. I’m not making sense. But I feel like something big has happened to me. At a soul level.’

  Tiffany laughed. ‘Jess, you’re starting to sound all earthy like me.’

  ‘It’s just the weirdest feeling, like I’ve learnt something major, but I’m not sure what it is yet. Would you listen to me? I need something stronger than a cup of tea – or perhaps it’s time to call the men in white coats,’ Jessica said with a laugh, waving an arm dismissively.

  Instead of laughing or teasing her, Tiffany nodded knowingly. And at that moment, Jessica felt awful for all the times she’d been dismissive of her friend’s comments about the universe providing. Granted, she’d rarely actually expressed her scepticism aloud, although she’d thought it often enough.

  Now she had the strangest feeling that Faith had been sent to her at the right time, and for the right reason. And no matter how many times she told herself it was bunkum and merely a coincidence, she couldn’t shake it.

  Tiffany said there was no such thing as coincidence – everything was part of the grand plan of the universe. Jessica was beginning to see that. She was sad, though, to think that Faith had had to be treated badly in order to eventually find her way here. And that Jessica had to lose her father in order to be ready to see it all. She almost burst into tears at the thought, but managed to swallow them down in time. God, she’d become emotional lately.

  ‘So, enough about me, how’s everything with you?’

  ‘All good. Busy. But good busy – manageable. Is Steve off at the CFS working bee?’

  ‘Yeah. Yet another one. The usual scramble to get everything as ready as they can.’

  ‘I wouldn’t be surprised if they have to head over to New South Wales to help. A few of the guys were talking about it at work.’

  ‘Oh.’ Jessica had seen on the news that the fires were out of control and that some homes had been lost and many more were being threatened, but Steve hadn’t mentioned they were considering sending a contingent. Not that that was surprising: there was always a chance the CFS would go and help interstate colleagues; they were essentially always on call. He’d only bother telling her when they were actually called upon to pack their bags – often with just a few hours’ notice. He always kept a spare set of clothes and toiletries in his ute. Just in case. She didn’t like him being away during their fire season, but it was just the way it was sometimes.

  She’d stopped worrying about him when he was away. She was always concerned, but had accepted long ago, in this regard at least, that what would be would be and she’d deal with any consequences when and if they arose. Jessica regularly consoled herself with the knowledge that at least if he was injured – or heaven forbid, worse – it would have happened while he was doing something he believed in and was worthwhile.

  ‘I hope they get it under control soon,’ she said.

  ‘Mmm. Even if they do, they’re probably still going to need reinforcements to give them a break for a few days.’

  Half an hour later, Tiffany left for her next shift and Jessica went over to check on Faith. The horse pricked up her ears at seeing her new mistress, nickered, and was standing at the rail when she arrived at the yard. Jessica patted the horse, who gave her a kiss back. She giggled as the whiskers on the horse’s chin tickled her face. Faith responded by raising her top lip and showing Jessica her teeth, making it look like she was laughing too.

  ‘You’re a funny thing, aren’t you?’ Jessica said, rubbing the horse’s face. Her voice was jovial, but her heart was heavy, reflecting her thoughtful mood. She couldn’t shake the feeling something major had happened, had changed within her, like her whole being had shifted a little off-centre. There really was something very special about Faith. Well, that’s how she felt, standing there in front of the mare. It was as if the horse was sharing her thoughts, the innermost thoughts she kept locked up in her soul.

  God, what is wrong with me? I’m sounding like a mad woman – in my own head! She shook her head to try to clear it and went into the yard with the lead rope in hand.

  ‘A quick brush and then would you like a couple of hours in the paddock before your dinner?’ she asked. ‘I think you would.’ After the morning’s session and her greeting from Faith now, she was confident she wouldn’t have any trouble bringing the horse in again. If not, she could feed her in the paddock. Except she didn’t want to leave the horse unattended for too long in case she decided to play in the trough.

  As she brushed off the sand clinging to Faith’s coat, the thought that perhaps the horse was the spirit of her recently departed father came to her. That would explain their strangely deep connection, wouldn’t it?

  Shit, where had that come from? She wasn’t even religious, didn’t believe in spirits, reincarnation and such. Anyway, Jeff Collins would be represented by a gruff, cantankerous beast, not one as gentle as Faith. As hard as it was
to admit – not least because of society’s norms dictating that one shouldn’t speak ill of the dead – she reluctantly admitted, if only to herself, that her father had been a bully. Yet whatever he’d been and whatever he’d done, she was sure he’d meant well. He’d just been a tough-love sort of guy. And she’d coped fine. It was only now, since he’d gone, that she was turning to custard and becoming a pathetic, overly emotional softy – and somehow that change had coincided with the arrival of Faith.

  Nothing wrong with being a softy, Tiffany would say, and no doubt Steve would agree, if she’d confided her fears. But it was a new feeling for her; she’d prided herself on being tough, and it was all rather unsettling.

  Jessica felt a rush of emotion as she set Faith free in the paddock. The horse looked around her and then trotted off, leaving Jessica with a sense of disappointment. As outrageous as she knew it was, she had expected Faith to stand there and not want to leave Jessica’s side. But she’d behaved like any other horse who had been cooped up for days would.

  Jessica turned away and walked slowly and heavily back to the house, wondering how she could suddenly be feeling so down after being on such a high. No answer came to her.

  Nor had it an hour later, after a lunch of a ham, cheese and tomato sandwich, when she was still sitting at the table, watching Faith through the window, wandering about the paddock. The horse looked content and happy. That was the main thing, Jessica told herself, as she turned away from the window and focussed on preparing a lasagne for dinner.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Having made the lasagne and tossed a simple garden salad, Jessica was starting to wonder where Steve was. He hadn’t texted or phoned to say he’d be out for dinner.

  Despite telling herself the guys often got caught up for hours and lost track of time, she had become quite concerned when she finally heard a vehicle on the driveway.

  Her excitement returned – she couldn’t wait to fling her arms around him, then tell him all about her day with the horse and thank him for bringing Faith into their lives. She put down her tea towel and practically skipped to meet him. She stopped short at the edge of the verandah before bounding down the steps. She frowned. The ute that had pulled up was the same colour as Steve’s, but was a slightly different shape and a different make. And Steve was getting out of the passenger’s side.

  Brad Atkins, one of the CFS guys, got out of the driver’s seat. Something had happened. She took in how slowly and awkwardly Steve was moving and her worry increased. Shit.

  ‘What’s happened?’ she asked, looking from Steve to Brad and back again. ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘I’m fine, just had a bit of a bingle,’ Steve said, trying to wave his arm dismissively, but wincing instead.

  ‘He got T-boned at the Balhannah crossroad,’ Brad said.

  Jessica was shocked into silence. She stood aside as they went into the house.

  ‘I’m fine, just a bit bruised – damned seatbelt and airbags. Got one hell of a fright, though. Ute’s probably a write-off.’

  ‘Jesus,’ she finally managed to say. ‘Shit.’ She followed them inside. He didn’t look totally fine. She was stunned, and felt like her axis had shifted again.

  ‘Do you want a beer, mate?’ Steve asked, as he settled gingerly onto the couch.

  ‘Nah, I’m right. Thanks, though.’

  ‘How about a cup of tea or coffee? And you’re welcome to stay for an early dinner – I’ve got a lasagne ready to go into the oven,’ Jessica said. She hovered, wanting to demand all the details, but was wary of coming across as a hysterical wife.

  ‘Thanks. Just a tea would be great. White with one.’

  ‘Coming right up. Darling?’

  ‘Tea, thanks – apparently with lots of sugar; that’s what the nurse at the hospital said.’

  ‘So when did it happen?’ Jessica asked after she’d brought over three mugs of tea – each with a decent dose of sugar – and had sat down beside Steve. She’d calmed significantly during the time she’d taken to make the beverages. It wasn’t like he was so badly injured that he was still in hospital; he was right there beside her. She should be grateful it wasn’t so much worse. Far too regularly Steve was called out to road fatalities with the brigade. And at least he hadn’t been macho about it and refused to go to hospital to be checked out.

  ‘Couple of hours ago. There was a bit of a wait at the hospital. I was following right behind,’ Brad said. ‘I called the ambulance – didn’t want to take any chances. It was quite an impact.’

  Jessica’s eyes filled with tears. She swiped at them, embarrassed. Steve must have noticed, because he gripped her hand and squeezed it.

  ‘I’m fine,’ he said. ‘Seriously. Just a bit sore.’

  Out the corner of her eye she saw Brad, on the couch opposite, shift uncomfortably. She remembered she’d heard he’d split up with his wife the year before. Such shows of affection must be hard for him to watch.

  Steve and Brad talked about what an idiot the guy was for not stopping, how the impact had pushed Steve’s ute across the other side of the road and over the embankment, and how the other driver had insisted he hadn’t seen the give way sign he’d gone through. It was up to the police to sort out now.

  As Jessica sat and listened, she marvelled at how quickly things could change. Luckily, Steve was only bruised, but first she had been injured, and now he was. What else did the year have in store for her – she wasn’t sure how much more she could take. She said a silent prayer for only good things from now on, then felt a little guilty for being glad that this meant Steve wouldn’t be able to go to New South Wales if they were called up in the next few days.

  ‘Well, I’d better get going,’ Brad said after draining his cup in record time. He stood up.

  ‘Thanks so much for bringing Steve home – and for everything,’ Jessica said, also rising.

  ‘Yeah, thanks, mate,’ Steve said.

  ‘No worries. Don’t get up,’ Brad said, gesturing for them both to stay where they were. But Jessica ignored him and followed him out – it would be rude not to, when she was perfectly able. She waved him off, her brow creased with worry. How bad was Steve, really? It was often so hard to tell with men, macho men like Steve, she thought, as she made her way back inside.

  ‘Seriously, Jess, I’m fine,’ he said, noticing her worried expression. ‘I swear. It’s the bloody seatbelt and airbags that have done the damage …’

  ‘Well, thank God you had them.’

  ‘… And I’m feeling much better after that cuppa. I’m sure I’ll be one hundred per cent after your lasagne. And another cup of tea?’ he asked, looking a little cheeky.

  ‘Of course. Anything else?’

  ‘No, I’ll wait for dinner if we’re eating early.’ Jessica nodded and got back up. He was actually looking better than when Brad had first brought him in. He had more colour and didn’t seem to be wincing quite so much when he moved or spoke.

  ‘So, I see Faith’s out in the paddock.’

  ‘Yes. It’s been quite an exciting day here, too – though in a completely different, better, way to yours,’ she said, refilling their mugs. She peered out the window. All was well; the horse had her head down, grazing.

  ‘Oh? Do tell.’

  Jessica told him every little detail of what she’d done and how she’d felt.

  ‘Seriously, Steve, thank you for bringing her home,’ she said when she’d finished her account. She wanted to throw her arms around him and weep, but restrained herself.

  ‘God, she’s really got to you, too,’ Steve said in awe.

  Jessica nodded. ‘As ridiculous as it sounds, I feel like she’d changed my life, that she was sent to do that, and right when I needed her.’

  ‘It’s not ridiculous at all,’ Steve said, quietly and kindly. He carefully drew his wife to him and held her, stroking her hair. ‘I felt the same way when I met her. Honestly, Jess, and don’t take this the wrong way, but I was so desperate to help you by getting anothe
r horse. You’d been so down since the accident and everything – I probably would have brought her home even if the old lady hadn’t spoken to me. I know you’ve tried to hide it, but you’re not nearly as good a liar or actress as you think you are,’ he said, smiling warmly at her. ‘I’m just so pleased to have you back, though I have to say, you are a little different. Not surprising, given what you’ve been through.’

  ‘I only broke my ankle,’ she said, despite knowing exactly what he meant, and that he was right. She had changed, she was different to the person she’d been just a few months ago. She just wasn’t entirely sure how.

  ‘Well, let’s just call her a gift to both of us and leave it at that, then,’ Jessica said, desperate to fill the silence when Steve didn’t answer.

  Steve nodded. ‘Good idea.’

  ‘I’m really looking forward to seeing how she goes on a trail ride. Tiff and I are going to go to the forest in a few weeks when she’s got a day off.’

  ‘That’s great. I’d crack the champagne to celebrate your progress with her, but it’s the last thing I feel like,’ Steve said, apologetically.

  ‘Can I get you anything? Paracetamol, ibuprofen?’

  Steve checked his watch. ‘In an hour. Until then I’ll have a bit of a rest here,’ he said.

  ‘I’ll leave you in peace and go and settle Faith for the night,’ she said, taking their cups over to the sink.

  Jessica was careful to close the door quietly behind her as she left the house. The dogs looked up from their slumber on the deck and slowly got to their feet. The whole mood of the property seemed to have changed – it was far from the high of earlier. And, damn it, her leg was now throbbing.

  Faith was grazing at the far side of the paddock, doing what horses in paddocks did, but Jessica felt a rush of loneliness. She swallowed it down. She was, no doubt, still reacting to Steve’s dramatic arrival home and her new worry about him and his injuries. It wasn’t actually a whole lot different to riding a great cross-country round, only to find someone else had ridden it faster, or only to lose a couple of rails in the show jumping. She really should be used to these highs and lows; she’d spent the majority of her life on that seesaw – hell, she’d thrived on it!